Looks good, just a small note, when specifying a number,w rite it out fully, instead of 3, its three.

One day his master told him to do something---------What did the master order? You seems to have the hang of writing but i find that you build this wonderful momentum in the story, and then you suddenly break it ...Example:


One day his master told him to do something It totaly broke the climax and momentum with that one word; something

But other then that it looks good,

Cos, i think there is a spot open in Dark Dragoons
 
-----------------------
--Corporal-Hellra--
  -Dark-Dragoons-
SL/SGT Hellra/2SQD/2PLT/1CMP/1REG/1BAT/Tadath/VEA[LoR][ES2C][CoR]

Age:unknown
Height:6'3"
Weight:190
Eye color: Red
Hair color: Black
Tatoos: none
Scars: one long scar running from back left shoulder to right hip

The history of DarkFireX is a dark and misterious one, as his name suggests. his name was given to him (he added the X, cause it sounds cooler(and theres already a darkfire)) by the ancients of Vega. he had saved there planet from distruction. he is 6'3". black hair red eyes.he wears a red and black overcoat. back to his name. Dark because his history isnt know to anyone but him, Fire because of the destruction and pain he causes, and X because its cool. he is very quiet and doesnt get P.O.'d easily. When he's drunk(which takes alot) he thinks he's superman. If youre passing him in the hall and say "hi" dont expect a reply. Any information on DarkFireX's past can only be given by command of a superior officer(cosmic). weapon of choice, fists

 
-----------------------
-=DarkFireX=-

And also, give your character flaws, its not vey intresting to read about people with these god like abilities, i find it...boring


And I you dont mind me asking...how come your character's eyes are red? Is it also just there for the cool looks or what?

No offense, but humans and red eyes? Very cliche.
So ya, feel free to take a peek at pther people's bios by clicking on their names or avaters.


-----------------------
-Dark-Dragoons-
SL/SGT Hellra/2SQD/2PLT/1CMP/1REG/1BAT/Tadath/VEA[LoR][ES2C][CoR]

thanx for the advice. he isnt really a human but they didnt have many choices. he doesnt have any "godlike abilities".
i left it so vague and short because he cant remember all of his life. i was meaning to set it up for a bigger story. one that will be like, 100 times bigger than this
 
-----------------------
-=DarkFireX=-

Welcome to Drill, Garai. Check your email for further updates.
 
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------

Name: Kethiel Tallanvor
Age: 24
Race: Human
Height: 172 cm
Weight: 87 kg
Home planet: Coruscant
Eye color: Gray
Hair colour: Black
Distinguishing marks: None

The lights flicker unevenly, creating a patchwork of shadows crossing the path. A rusting shell of what was once a city maintenance bot sits rusting on the broken sidewalk, its arms upheld almost in a posture of supplication, the long-smashed remains of a replacement glow-rod clutched in rusting fingers.

Huddling in a deep crack, a shadow shivers with the cold. Down this deep, the utilities failed long ago, along with the care of the government. From along the path, sounds of booted feet approaching echo from wall to wall with ominous intent. The shadow huddles deeper into the crack.

Outside, the glow of a detector display casts blue silhouettes on the cracked and patched walls as the booted feet slow outside the crack.

"Hold it," says a voice muffled by a mask or helmet, "Got something, reads as human. In there."

"Firing," comes a second voice. In the crack, the shadow slumps as a small tranquiliser dart hits true.

The metal feels cold under my back, and I can feel the harshness of bright light through my closed eyelids. Hesitantly, I open them a crack to let a little of the light through. As I suspected, its harsh glare causes me to squint them closed again. With effort, I lift an aching arm up to shield my face and try opening my eyes again. As I do so, I feel a vibration in the table, a deep thrumming noise that reverberates through my bones, chilling them and causing me to shiver anew. I had heard tales of this from spacers in the seedy bars near where I had slept until recently: the feel of a hyperdrive active. I had thought I felt chilled until then, but now I knew real fear.

My fear overruled the pain of the light in my eyes and they snapped open. Looking down, I saw I was wearing a plain gray, lightweight jumpsuit, and lying on a flat metal pallet. The wall, just past my feet, was plain unrelieved white, as was the ceiling, and the floor. A small door was the only break in my small, white world. A shiny, metal panel with no door controls on this side blocking my escape from imprisonment.

"Ah," a voice boomed from everywhere and nowhere, "you're awake. Welcome to your new life as a member of my enforcers."

Clutching my head, I cried out, "Who are you?!"

"I am your boss, Yshalk. Now, get up and walk to the door."

For want of something better to do, I decided to follow his instructions. As I approached, the door swished open to reveal a flickering patchwork of broken shadows and cracked steelcrete. On the floor, lying there invitingly, was a blaster.

"Pick it up," said Yshalk, "and walk down the corridor."

I complied, thinking vaguely of using the blaster pistol on the first person I saw and most of those I saw after until I was free again. I took hesitant steps down the corridor stumbling on hidden crevices in the floor. A corner loomed up out of the shadows; I saw a boot poking out from around the corner. As I took another step, a stocky figure swung around the corner brandishing a metal pipe. Before I knew what I was doing, I had raised the blaster and fired. The man crumpled, and the pipe fell to the floor with a hollow clang. I fell to my knees, retching violently. I had just killed a man.

"Good!" said Yshalk, "Well done! If you had not killed him, he would have killed you, so do not feel bad."

After a time, I felt my stomach subside and climbed to my feet. My knees shook violently, but I moved on.

This was but the beginning of a long period of training for him. Soon, he was an accomplished enforcer, and took the name Kethiel Tallanvor, losing his past to his new employer, Yshalk. Over the years, he took many lives and pleased his employer until another, rival gang took out Yshalk, leaving Kethiel free again to choose. His choice, tainted by his past, was to join the Vast Empire Army.

Personality: His past occupation as a troubleshooter/enforcer for Yshalk's criminal organisation has left Tallanvor a little battered and scarred, and somewhat cynical. He tends to take the worst view of most situations, and view most comments with suspicion. He also carries a long temper. Slow to anger, and slow to forget. Vengeance is a dish best served chilled.

*cries*
Tis sad that DD has no open spots, Garet and I would have been happy to get this one,
 
-----------------------
-Dark-Dragoons-
SL/SGT Hellra/2SQD/2PLT/1CMP/1REG/1BAT/Tadath/VEA[LoR][ES2C][CoR]

Very good, Tallanvor. Well done.
 
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------

I think everyone has muscles under their fat. :P

Anyway, good start. I'll place you in a squad. For future reference, I suggest making your future writings a little more detailed. I also suggest fixing this bio up on your own, since this bio is not just to "graduate" from Drill Squad - this bio is the soul of your character: where he came from and who he is. You may want to put more thought into it.

--------------------------

I have wiped Drill clean of its recruits and have kept the ones with some pulse left in 'em.
 
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------

I would like to see a bit more detail. Go through and read some of the other bio's here in Drill or around ComNet for some inspiration.
 
-----------------------
Private First Class Marka
Fire Team Captain
- Raider Squad -
FTC/PFC Marka/3SQD/1PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE
[LoR][ES2C]

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together"

Well, this is my bio.. Its full of mistakes probably so criticize away!

Callsign- LotusPhoenix
Full Name- Eugene Grace
Age- 21
Race- Human(albino male)
Hair COlor-Silverish White
Eyes- Pink
Height-6'1
Weight- 128 lbs
Skin Color- Pale White
Native Language- Basic
Physical Build- Lean with some muscle
Homeworld- Naboo

Skills-

1. Skilled in melee combat( preferably the electrostaff, knives, and polearms)
i) Has spent exetremely long times perfecting his control of weapons such as polearms

2. Skilled in silent and stealthy larceny, assasinations, and just stealth in general


Background History-

Eugene Grace was born into a rich upperclass family on the planet of Naboo. However, his parents

refused to let Eugene enjoy the advantages of being rich. Trying to teach him survival skills, they often

left Eugene in the middle of the streets at night. They went out of their way to criticize and humiliate

him every second of the day. This shaped Eugene to become irascible, eventually causing him to murder his

parents one night out of rage. Realizing what he had done, he quickly decided to flee to a place where he

would be less likely to be found, Tatooine. There he spent his time solely on two things. By day, he was

a thief and a beggar who earned his meal showing off his sleight of hand. By night, he trained with his

electrostaff, a little trinket he took with him for security measures. At 15, he saw his chance to make his

dream, which was to become a trooper for the empire, when a recruited came looking for civilians with

suitable material. However, he was turned down due to the fact that he was underaged. Still, he trained

harder partly because combat skills was valuable in a harsh street life. By the time he was 21, he had

become very lean and weary but also more muscular. Seeing it was time to try again, he tracked down

imperial recruiters and became part of the Empire's Stormtrooper corps. Finally, he had achieved his to

become a loyal trooper of the Empire.

Eye color: dark blue
Hair color: none
Race: Twil'lek
Age: 21
Skin color: Very dark green
Height: 6'00
Weight: 190 lbs
Personality: hothead, adventurer.
Born: Naboo

Born in stormtrooper's family.Like his father Killa my Rama he want to be stormtrooper.When Sitna was 19 rebels kill his father and Sitna sweared by all gods: he will have his revenge.

I put this in the main army comnet...It looks like it should be here.
December 27, 2005 2:14:24 PM         

Personal Information:
Call Sign:  Bones
Real Name:  Julius Gregory Kelley
Native Language:  Basic
Hair Color:  Blonde
Eye Color:  Blue
Age:  25
Height:  6'2''
Weight:  195
Home World:  Trallus(Located in the Corellion Sector)

Talents/Skills:
Close Quarters Combat
Small Arms Expert
Long Rifle Marksman

Back Ground:

Julius Gregory Kelley, known to almost everyone as Greg, was named for his Grandfather Julius, who made a long career working under cover through the sector in smuggler rings for CorSec Counter "Spice" section.  Greg's' father Salvo also worked for CorSec, in the "Spice" interdiction section.  While working a case together, Julius and Salvo encountered a startup rebel group who were trying to sell a large quantity of  Glitterstim to fund their group.  Salvo, who was already unhappy with CorSec and the emerging Empire, decided to betray CorSec to the dealers, and to steal the Glitterstim, and leave the system on their ship.  What Salvo did not know was the group was not a Rebel group, but Black Sun.  Upon learning about the treachery, The Black Sun  gangsters murdered Julius, the whole time still attempting to maintain the cover of the Rebel group.  CorSec was however aware of the events, and promptly took, Greg four years old at the time, and his mother Nora into protective custody.  While Salvo was attempting to enter Hyperspace in the ship he had commandeered he was intercepted by an Imperial interdictor, and ordered to prepare to be boarded.  Knowing that he would be arrested, and taken to the Kessel Spice Mines, with the very same inmates he put there,  Salvo sent out a message to his wife, Nora, and only son Julius, that he loved them, and was sorry for disgracing the family, and hoped that Julius would follow in his foot steps as CorSec, then overloaded his hyperdrive, turning his ship into nothing more then flotsam and atoms.  CorSec intercepted Salvos message, and decided to maintain the cover story of the Rebel Group, blamed the death of Julius on the Rebels, and the death of Salvo on the Imperial ship that intercepted him.  The Black Sun was cut completely out.  Over the next Sixteen years, Greg's resentment for the Rebel Alliance, the Empire, and the New Republic grew and grew. 

Greg Entered CorSec Academy at the age of Twenty, and he excelled in all aspects of  CorSec, however, he was interested in only Intel.  Upon graduation Greg began working as an analist for Intelligence and had a good eye for detail.  One night while following up a lead, Greg encountered  a man named Bonner claiming to be former Intel, and a good friend of Julius, Greg's grandfather.  Bonner told Greg that CorSec had covered up the incident and pushed blame onto The Imperials.  The man refused to tell Greg any more then the two were closer then brothers.  The man gave Greg a Data Card, and turned down an alley then disappeared into an old abandoned building.  Disturbed by the happenings of the night, Greg decided to go home to get some rest.  When Greg got home, curiosity got the better of him, Greg had to see what was on the Data Card.  He inserted it into his secure data pad, to see an old grainy Holo of a Theta-class Shuttle streaking towards the Holorecorder.  Greg noted a faint audio in the back ground that sounded like radio chatter, then saw the Tractor latch onto the ship.  Greg noted the audio again, then watched the ship blow apart.  The Holovid terminated the recording, and the screen went black.  Greg adjusted the audio pick ups and restarted the holovid.  He closed his eyes to enhance his hearing and Listened:

    Imperial Interdictor:  "Theta Shuttle, this is Imperial                Interdictor    Falos, shut down drives and prepare for boarding.  We are under orders to detain you and turn you over to CorSec for protective custody"   
    Theta-Class Shuttle:  "I am sorry Greg, I was wrong, I love you and Your Mom.  I am sorry father for disgracing you, and getting you killed.  This is all my fault"
    Imperial Interdictor:  "Theta Shuttle, this is Imperial Interdictor Falos, shut down drives and prepare for boarding.  This is your last warning...Captain, He is powering up the engines and engaging his hyperdrive, he's going to... Oh Sithspawn."

The Holo ended there.

Greg sat silent and shaking.  All these years, he has directed his hatred towards the Empire for killing his father.  All they were trying to do was hold him until he could be turned back over to CorSec.  How could he work for an organization that lied to him, and diverted blame to others.  With Corellia allied with the Rebellion, there was only one place to go.  The Empire.  Greg resigned from CorSec that night, joined the ranks of the Imperial Army.     

 

 
-----------------------
Speed, Surprise, and Violence of action.

Native Language: Basic
Hair Color: brown
Eye Color: brown
Skin Color: very tan/but white
Height: 6' 1"
Weight: 175
Age: 21
Full Name: Peebs (Joss)  Kornaski
Physical Build: muscular/strong
Homeworld: Dantooine
physical attributes that stick out - a (small) scar over is left eye

TALENTS/SKILLS

1.) exceptional with a blaster
2.) very keen and perseptive.

BACKGROUND

Peebs sat on the hot but comforting ground on the planet of Dantooine. He sat alone usual at this time of day. It was nice the sun was still not deathly hot but the surface of the planet was not frigid either. He often thought about his life and his destiny, which was still a mystery to him and to many, especially if you lived on a planet that was almost baren.
"Today is the day," he thought outloud as he sifted sand through his hand.
"Hey lets go its almost full sunrise," said a familiar voice behind him.
"give me a sec," called Peebs back to his best friend Viscus.
Peebs hurredly packed up his supplies which included 2 0-6 officers blaster pistols. (It was rumored among his family that his dad was an officer and had retired from the naboo service before naboo actually became in any trouble.) a medpack, ration bars, datapad, and a comlink and a few other necessities. They planned to pack light on this trip incase of an accident which would cause them to need an escape route quick.
"So,"said Viscus strapping on his Exp-7a hunting rifle," What'll it be this time, Voritors or Huurton,"He said in a sarcastic tone of voice.
"Maybe a little of both," He said winking at his lifelong friend.
With that the 2 set off on there land speeders.
"Lets set up camp here tonite were only 90 kilometers left till we get to the *spot*." said Peebs.
      *with that the 2 set up camp and slept*
"Wake up," said Peebs shaking his friend violently.
"alrite,alrite, im getting up," exclamed Viscus half mumbling.
"lets go," Peebs said as they saddled up the land speeders and speed off to the destination.
"Their they are," exclaimed Peebs anxiously loading his pistols with new blaster packs.
"I'll take the right side you angle back to the left, stay under that ridge, give me the command once your in position," said Peebs feeling a sense of command wash over him.
"I know, I know, we have done this maneuver many a time,"said Viscus mumbling back to Peebs.
* A few moments later*
"On the count of three you know what to do," stating Peebs,"One, Two..........Three," Half screeming the last word.
The 2 boys lept up from behind there respective bunkers and starting laying down blaster fire left and right. But something was wrong. One of the male Voritors started charging Peebs head on.
"Bantha fodder," uddered Peebs under his breath as he took down one more. He looked just in time as the Voritor took a swing at his face with a claw, but one of the claws hit him squarely on the left side right above his eye.
"Frack," yelled Peebs as he unloaded the last of his blaster on the beast. luckily one of the blaster shots his the Voritor right in the Weak spot under his belly and the giant collapsed.
"Wooh," that was a close one, uttered Viscus,
"ya... it was", Peebs said have dazed as the red liquid started to drip down his face in a stream.
Peebs pulled out his medpack and sprayed a liquid on the wound and then started to clean up the blood on his clothing.
"Alrite, we better start taking trophies while there is still light, and lets hurry the smell of blood could bring out much worse things than a few Voritors., " Viscus said speaking to Peebs.
"ya..," he said working free the hunting knife he had packed with him the day before.
 
* when the boys had finished they left on there speeder hoping to reach home before dark*

"What the......,"Viscus was cut off by a man in scruffy looking clothes holding a blaster.
"What do you want," said Peebs in a nervous tone.
"Give me your speeder bike now," he said stuttering and looking behind him from time to time.
"No," said Viscus, with that the man pulled the trigger on his blaster pistol, hitting Viscus in the head with a deafening shreak the young man hit the warm sands of the Dantooinian desert. Viscus was dead before he even hit the ground.
The man jumped on Viscus's speeder and fled.
Peebs was to stunned to move let alone turn on his speeder bike and go after the murderer.
Just then 5 men in shiny white armor pulled up in their speeder bikes.
"Was he here?," one of them asked obviosly the leader of them," He wore worn out clohtes and was carrying a small blaster.
"yes....I....I..think so...," he said stuttering still in disbelief.
One of the men said,"Sir your whole village was destroyed by that rebel, there isnt anything left for you, come join the ranks of the Stormtrooper corps, they will give you a home and much more," The trooper said with a convincing tone.
"I...I'm not sure," he said,
"If you havent noticed there really arent any spaceports around, so if you wanted to get off this planet were your only hope, for awhile anyways," the soldier said waving his blaster rifle around.
Peebs thought for a moment, confused still but sure of his destiny more than ever,
"I'll go with you," Peebs said with a weak tone.
"good," the trooper said encouragingly," if you dont mind following us for awhile we must catch that rebel that you saw earlier.
And with that the men went off.
Even if joining the stormtrooper ranks were just for revenge. Peebs knew that this was his destiny. He glared back to his fallen freind and sighed. and sped off after the men in white armor.

thanks