I edited the original.  I fixed the grammer and such.
 
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In the brightest light,
We find darkness

Just clarification - what do you mean when you mention the Jedi?

We are currently in the Thrawn Era - approximately 10-15 years after the events of RotJ. The Jedi have been extinct for over 60 years.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------

For future reference, if you're going to post such historical facts, it'd be good if you also posted when such events occured. By a first reading of your biography, it sounds like this encounter with the Jedi was recent, and not 900 years before the Battle of Yavin.

I'll have to have a talk with Grand Moff Kadann to be exactly sure where we stand in the timeline, but I know that we aren't including much of the expanded universe.

Also, everyone in The Vast Empire (superior officers, etc) speak and give their orders via Basic, and if your character is having great difficulty in understanding Basic, you may have to revise your biography. I do not believe our "recruiters" would allow someone to enlist if they couldn't understand much of what they were saying.

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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Cool beans. Check your email for your next assignment.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------

Name: Urakai

Call sign: Urakai

Eye Color: Blue

Hair Color: Blonde

Hair Style: Long Spiked/Wavy

Race: Human

Age: 19

Weight: 115kg

Build: Muscular Body

Home world: Coruscant

History:

Loathing his father, Urakai was forced into a tight position. He spent his entire life with his cruel father and spending an entire year weeping for his mother's death, Urakai despised his father's wish for him to join the rebel alliance. They lived in the underworld, cut off from the imperial control above. Urakai hated the destruction the rebels caused and wished he could stop it. As Urakai came home from his regular trading day, it flickered in the side of his eye, the white stormtrooper armor. He turned his head to see six stormtroopers being carried up the small elevator with two uniformed officers. Curious, Urakai walked forward, noticing the recruitment symbol on one of the officers uniforms. Over joyed, he ran to toward the elevator ready to leave his father behind and start a new life in the Empire. Before his destination was reached, a foot extending sending him face first onto the cold metal floor of the underworld city. "What are you doing boy?!" Screamed his father right before joining his fist with Urakai's face.

Urakai woke up and threatened to never do such a thing again. A year passed as Urakai was becoming of age. His father's agression did not weaken but neither did Urakai's passion to oin the Empire. The fear inside Urakai had grown soft and no more did Urakai tolerate his father after bringing home Imperial Recruitment papers (although trying to hide them). Rage boiled within Urakai's father and no more did he stop his hand from reaching the blaster pistol strapped to his side. But before he could pull it out, Urakai sent a blast streaming across the room exploding into his father's chest.
No more was he stuck to his father's torment or watchful eyes, now he was able to run away without fearing (or knowing) that his father would follow him.

Urakai swore loudly in the elevator, forgetting the Imperial recruitment sheets. Once in the city for only the second time in his life, Urakai explored the streets before flipping out his credits and paying for a stay in a hotel. The next day Urakai roamed around the free city, looking for recruitment desks. He soon saw an Officer walking away from the desk in between a corner of two buildings under the guard of two stormtroopers. Urakai dashed after the officer. He begged him to just quickly sign him up. The officer gave in and Urakai's, only 17 was enlisted into the Vast Empire.

I think it's a good start but were in the Thrawn era which is when the New Republic have taken Coruscant. Which means you will have to go off-world to enlist.
 
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EclipseSquad
TRP/PFC jag fel/2SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Red Dragon Order]
SM/Com Jag Fel/Task Force 1/Eta Squad/2nd Platoon/Red Company/1st Battalion/KBcC Helsa/OFF/Army/RDA(O)

"The fate of the free world is in the hands of a bunch of hustlers and thieves" XXX2
"Say hello to my little friend" Tony Montana
"Im going to make him an offer he cant refuse"
"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" Godfather

Tell us a bit more about his personality Urakai, but it sounds god so far, except for the ocasional typo.
 
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TRP/SGT_Aeos/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1RGT/1BAT/VEA/VE/Tadath [LoR][ES2C][CoR]

'Raiders' Wiki Page'
Raider Squad-

Name: Urakai Orion

Call sign: Urakai

Eye Color: Blue

Hair Color: Blonde

Hair Style: Long Spiked/Wavy

Race: Human

Age: 19

Weight: 94kg

Build: Muscular Body

Home world: Rivix

History:

Urakai was never like any other child living in the city of Sira, Rivix. He exiled himself, feeling insecure around everyone. He completed schooling when he was 17 but he was confused not knowing any of his real talents. His family tried to support him but he cut them of saying this was his life now. Urakai knew he needed credits for a stay, and easily found a job offered by a sturdy looking rodian. He was to meet on a certain street in a few hours to help lift goods off a small carrier to sell in the black markets. The black markets were really like your normal markets only the legal goods that appeared like your average food/misc stall was really a cover for contacts to sell their stashes of drugs and weapons. The pay wasn't much but if it was a regular job, Urakai would benefit from it.

He arrived on the street like said and met with more men waiting around in an alley to avoid suspicion. After a few minutes the carrier came through the street, the driver trying to keep the hover systems quiet. The driver jump out and ordered that they start unloading the goods onto a small cruiser that would fly it the upper city black markets. The upper city was a bit like the cloud city, having a giant hovering device keeping it stable in the air. On top, a twenty-mile city was built in. The city below was the suburbs and houses of the people working in the upper city. Urakai began lifting crate after crate, curious of what was inside. He asked the driver, as he was lifting, what he was lifting. The driver responded that he did not need to know but with a smirk, added, "Well, you would if the cops show". Urakai had not thought about the cops, he had not thought about being busted. He was very eager to finish the job. He lifted for a few more minutes before lights flashed in the distance.

"Police cruisers!" shouted one after dropping a crate and punching in six digits before pulling out what seeming to be a blaster rifle. Urakai was stunned and argued that they couldn't just kill the police. But Urakai knew that it was a corrupt world that not even police could do anything about the black market. Pulling out a rifle, Urakai ducked for cover. The cruisers landed, police piling out which were soon kissing the metal street. A cruiser above deployed a turret. As it dropped through the sky, the group dispatched it through a wave of fire. The night would be remembered through out Sira for a long time as it was a favored Police hero Kiran Toid, who busted an entire gang by himself, who was leading the squad that was now lying dead, soon to be found by the local citizen, horrified at the site. Urakai finished the job and was paid his 200 credits which he spent on a stay in a hotel and a blaster pistol. The next day as Urakai walked through the city, with a contact card for the Red Mark gang (which he learned was the gang he was working for) in his pocket. The jobs soon became a weekly basis and before long, he was engaged with selling the commodity in the markets himself. The pay was incredible and before long, Urakai's face got it's self up on the wanted list like other Red Mark members.

Urakai had killed six police members in a market bust, but only just escape with three other members out of the fifteen. Urakai was glued to his job and lived around the Red Mark hangout. When Urakai turned 18, the second in command saw Urakai's talents and passion for his job and, being eligible, he was awarded third leader rights. Urakai was thrilled to know he would lead transfers and selling. He had saved three hundred thousand credits already and enjoyed his steady income. But all that was about to change as the police, after years of investigating, raided the Red Mark hangout. Urakai was unaware of anything until his door was blasted open. Thinking quick, he sprang up from his bed, pulled his blaster to his side and dived behind a container. Police men rushed in but were blind to Urakai as they decided no one was there. Then the warning alarm went off. Urakai dashed down the hall and fired at the squad of police, killing three before he needed to find cover. He opened a door and jumped inside as a wave of bolts flew down the hall. Three men were startled to see him in there quarters as they were just loading their blaster rifles. Taking one, Urakai looked for a ventilation shaft or anything that they could escape in.

After finding no escape passage but the door, Urakai pulled a grenade from a container in the room. Opening the door, he threw the grenade against the wall parallel to the door opening, bouncy off and flying down the hall towards the squad advancing forward to ambush them in the room. After the explosive screams finished they move out, twisting their heads towards the secret exit. Meeting with other members, they all worked together to defend from the squads inside. The escape hall led to a hatch that opened in an alley way that led out into the core suburbs. After leading the twelve men out and avoiding patrols (killing some), they all split, each knowing that was the end of the Red Mark for now. Most members had been killed or captured and the few that were still in the market had no line of commodity anymore. Urakai was pleased to know he still had a fortune in his bank but when he checked his balance he found it depleted. Urakai, boiling with frustration let out a scream of anger. He slid his back down a wall and sat on a pathway. For some time he just sat there and tried to make sense of what had happened that night and then it snapped at him. He remembered the stories of the empire and how it had fought against the rebels. He remembered the tale of how the empire was defeated and then it came to his mind, the story that all had not died and were still fighting in a new division. The Vast Empire...

OOC:/Well I understood your info and made a new bio. If parts are needed to be edited or the bio doesn't fit the Thrawn Era, just let me know.:OOC


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TRP/PFC Urakai/1SQD/1PLT/1CMP/1REG/1BAT/Tadath/VEA [LoC]

Outstanding. I'd have to say that this is the best improved bio I have seen thus far. You proofread, your paragraphs are excellent, grammar is good.

Very good.

Also, due to your outstanding achievement, I am awarding you the Letter of Recommendation medal.

Letter of Recommendation [LoR] - Given to members who have shown fantastic displays of promise while serving in the Vast Empire Army Academy. It adds a 15% increase on the test to achieve a commission as an Imperial Officer. It may only be awarded by the Commander of Training.

Congratulations.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Wow thanks . I didn't expect to have this much praise. This was my best work so I'll try especially hard when I'm put in a squad. Thanks again .
 
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TRP/PFC Urakai/1SQD/1PLT/1CMP/1REG/1BAT/Tadath/VEA [LoC]

Ooh, your post challenged my firefox display

Seperate your details by one space,
like this:
Appearence:
Name: Rayden Shiong
Primary Langage: Basic
Hair Style: Shoulder length, unkept.
Hair Color: Brown
Eye Color: baby Blue, though they change to a pure bright white when in the dark.
Skin Color: Peach
Height: 6'2
Weight: 200 Pounds
Age: 20
Build: Cut, but not buff or bulky. He is well defined.
Homeworld: Correlia

Secondly:
Seperate your history into paragraphs, its not easy or comfortable reading one block of letters.

I would suggest you beta read your writing before you post it, and spellcheck it as well with MS Word or OpenOffice, if don;t have that or any other spellchecker. I suggest you download

Cosmic would have the final say and word of this, but I don't think there exists any kind of thing that could make one force sensitive, and if it did, they would either have killed you by now in order to keep it the tight knit secret it is, or the whole galaxy would have been force sensitive. But either way, you are not allowed to the Force in anyway. Any references are a no-no

I also suggest you make your character sligthly older, by 2 or 3 years or soemthing. Your character was 10 or 12 when he left the Empire. This is if my numbers add up correctly.

What your character experainced, could not fit into a lifetime of 10 or 12, so either I suggest make your character a bit older, or have him leave later then you had it leave.

On the 'leave' subject, why did he leave the Empire? Did he escape? Why did he come back?




 
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TRP/SGT_Aeos/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1RGT/1BAT/VEA/VE/Tadath [LoR][ES2C][CoR]
'Raiders' Wiki Page'

Raiders

CGEMPIRE

Yeah. I'm not going to read it yet.

Fix the paragraphs.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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(I'll help)
 
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EclipseSquad

TRP/LCP Riqimo/2SQD/2PLT/1COM/1RGT/1BAT/Tadath/VEA
Imperial Baronet

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to war we go, we'll find some Rebels or lose our marbles, hi ho, hi ho

Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.

Subtle and insubstantial, the expert leaves no trace; divinely mysterious, he is inaudible. Thus he is master of his enemy's fate.

nice avatar
 
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TRP/PFC Sayah/1SQD/2 PLT/1 COM/1 RGT/1BAT/Tadath/VEA


[Black League]
SM/Com Sayah/Task Force 1/Eta Squad/2nd Platoon/Red Company/1st Battalion/KBcC Helsa/OFF/Army/RDA(L)

"We're all dying. Promise yourselves you'll be the last to go."
Commander Salvo

I'm going to have you amend you bio with these following tips for you to take into account:

1) People cannot be "injected" with "Force-Sensitivity". There's just really no way that can happen. An individual's ability to eventually "control" the Force is currently seen (Tal/Kad can correct me) through the number of concentration of Midichlorians in one's cells. In order to "wield" the Force, one must have a high concentration count. Everyone has Midichlorians, but only few can have such a high concentration that will allow them to, with training, control the Force. Midichlorians cannot be simply "injected" into a body.

2) It's fine and dandy that you have a mechanical arm. Several people have mechanical body parts, but when you say that your arm can lift twice your body weight, you need to be sure that you're just stating that as a fact. If you're character is 200 pounds, it would be extremely strenuous to your body/lower back if you tried to lift 400 pounds.

3) State your Race. If you're Human, you'll have to give reasonable explanation as to why your eyes/skin/etc. will give off varying characteristics that are uncommon to normal Human beings.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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