Interesting story. A few pointers and constructive criticism:

1) I'm not sure if you've read my biography, but I stated that, even though I used 1st person, you/everyone else should use 3rd person. 1st person is an extremely difficult style to write in, and even though your story was good, writing it in 1st person wasn't the wisest idea.

2) There are a lot of grammatical errors. If you aren't going to make use of ComNet's spellchecker feature, I suggest writing all posts in MS Word, or any other program with a spellchecker feature. There are also many punctuation errors.

The story is good though. You'd be surprised how many other people in the VE are like yourself, however :P The "I was a former-bounty hunter with tattoos all over my body" seems to be the rave around here, and I know that we have at least 5+ people with that description.

You don't need to rewrite the story in 3rd person, but keep in mind that you should write in the 3rd person style from here on (it's just easier). Also, before I place you in a squad, I'd like to see you fix those grammatical errors.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------

Physical Appearance

Native Language: Basic
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Blue
Skin Color: White
Height: 5' 11''
Weight: 165 lbs
Age: 26
Full Name: Garren Revnos
Physical Build: Athletic Build, Toned
Home-world: Kiffu


Talents/Skills

1)    Has extensive training in meele combat (primarily with vibroswords)
2)    Was trained as a scout and sniper for his town's militia before Imperial takeover.
3)    Understands several other launguages, primarily Twi'lek, Wookie, and Huttese

Background History

Garren was fifteen years old when a small group of rebel soldiers visited his hometown, trying to convince them to join the Rebel Alliance. They managed to convince most of the people in the town to join them in arms against the Empire, and the rebels started training the volunteers. They had been training for about a month when two companies of Stormtroopers were spotted heading for the town.

They had been called on by a citizen of the town that was an extreme loyalist to the Empire. A greedy man, he hoped that reporting a training place for the rebels to the Empire would net him a bit of credits. Wether it would or not he would never know, he was killed in the crossfire in the battle that followed the Stormtroopers arrival.

The townspeople were armed mainly with blaster pistols, smuggled in by the rebels, the rebels themselves sporting E-11 Blaster Rifles. outnumbered one-to-three, the townspeople used their knowledge of the surrounding area to try and ambush the Stormtroopers. It didn't exactly work.

Recon droids were set out and warned the advancing Stormtroopers ahead of time about the ambush. A third of the militia had hidden in the surrounding area, and were likely going to attack them from behind once they passed and entered the town. They had a small group of men with speeder bikes break off from the main force, making it look like they were heading back to their base for some reason. They were really getting out of sight of the militia forces and circling the town to the other side, where they would use their speeder bikes to initiate a series of quick hit-and-run attacks. They had the men attack in intervals so as it appeared so that there were more men attacking from behind than there really was, distracting the main militia forces in the town.

In the chaos, they never noticed that the rest of the Stormtroopers had charged forward, taking out the ambush, and taking a hold of the town.

Garren, who had taken up a sniper post, was the first to notice this, and his warning stopped the Stormtroopers from having a quick victory. The Stormtroopers opened up on the back of the militia forces, those that had heard Garren's call in time managed to escape the slaughter.

Garren's sniper group managed to give the remaining militia forces enough time to recover from the attack and counter. In the quick battle that followed, the building Garren was sniping from was taken by the Stormtroopers, and after a quick chase through the building Garren was captured. As he was being taken away, he watched as the Stormtroopers rounded up the last of the militia forces, his family with them, and shot them all. The last thing he saw was his mother's frightened look when she saw him being taken away before she was executed, and he was knocked out.

Apparently the rebels that had convinced the town to take up arms had escaped, and Garren was tortured until he revealed their names. He resisted the physical torture, not wanting to dishonor his family by giving in. When this was realized, the interrogators tried a different approach.

They had seen enough to know that Garren loved his family dearly, and used that to turn him. They started reducing teh amount of torture he went through, trying more of a "good cop" approach. They told him that if the rebels had never came to his town, none of this would have happened. That this was going to keep happening through out the Galaxy until every last rebel was killed. Slowly, but surely, Garren changed.

Finally they turned him. He gave up the names of the rebels after a few long years of imprisonment. He never knew what happened to the men whose names he had given up.

Garren joined the Stormtrooper Corps after he was released, wanting to get rid of the Rebel Alliance so that their lies would stop spreading. However, lately he's been wondering if he's doing the right thing. He believes that he is, but there is still that small, small shed of his subconscious that remembers the speech that had his family, him, take up arms against the empire.

Looks good so far.

Tell you what, for the great writing I've seen thus far, I'm going to place you in a squad. You can finish your bio still - I'm just moving you up ahead to get you going.

Great job. I look forward to reading the rest.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Nah, take your time, dont rush it, wait till you make a story post and actually work with your character. Get to 'know' him.
 
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--Corporal Hellra--
- Raider Squad -
FTL/CPLHellra/3SQD/1PLT/1CMP/1REG/1BAT/Tadath/VEA[LoR][ES2C]
Storm, you better get your ass in gear, cause Wildcard's gonna make it hot in here.
The world is about me, it revolves around me, take that in mind... :P

Welcome, Private First Class Jester, to Drill squad. Check your email for further details.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Cosmic as Squad Leader of Drill Squad, and finally the rebirth of Iron Horse? I guess there are comin good times for the VE, finally! Everytime I look in here, there are new surprises.

Well, I hope you have fun with those newbies, Cosmic...
 
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Sergeant Major Stormie
Iron Horse Elite Squad Leader (Retired)
Platoon Commander of WildCard Platoon (Retired)
Platoon Commander of Storm Platoon (Retired)
APP/PAG Darth Seegers (Senate Hall)/Aurora
RETIRED/SRGMStormtrooper1026/2PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE/{EW1}{IH}{SoM}{CoR}

Welcome to the Stormtrooper Corps, kingfighter. Perhaps you'll like it more on the ground than in the air.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Well done. I'll place you in a squad. However, I would like to see a bit more personality about your character.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------

Welcome to Drill Squad, halsey7. Check your email for information.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Hmm, il post a example of my own bio, include more detail, where did your char grow up, where was he born, how does he look, skills, and etc.

Name: Hellen Le Clerique
Callsign: Hellra
Race: human
Planet or birth: unknown
Length: 1,4 m
Weight: 47 kg +/- Skin colour: white,, slight tan
Eye colour: blue that often turns to a darker shade when angered.
Hair: Shoulder length hair, extremely thick, and spiky, and curls towards the ends.

Hellra was found on the doorsteps of a wealthy man's estate in the early mourning sun of Tadath. Planning to adopt her a slave he and his family took her in. But the man soon grew fond to her, the exact opposite of how his wife felt. Hellen grew up calling the man her father, his wife her mother, and their children her brother and sister. As a born troublemaker she made it her job to terrorize the servants, and her family. As she grew older she was sent to various academies that varied from science, to politics. None appealed to her, till her father in desperation signed her up to the martial arts academy. This seemed to satisfy her, though she never excelled in it as she hoped she would. After the death of her master she refused to undergo training again. In sadness, she started spending more time away from, in the forests, learning more of her self as well as sharpening her senses, she grew much stronger then she id in the academy. By this time she has already reached the age of twelve.

Her life changed in the first week after her twelve birthday. She found out that she a mere adopted child, and she came to realise why her 'mother; despised her so much. Not able to accept it, she flee from the estate into a rainy and dark night, to comforting hands of the forest, though not as protecting as she thought it was. Soon she found her self on her way to Tatooine, captured as a slave&

Scavenging for food in dust bins, and fending of lust filled men hardened her, but even through her suffering she still retained her innocence and remained the naïve girl she grew up to be on Tadath. She went through several masters, most of them were kind, and even allowed her to compete in pod racing, swoop and street races, for which she had an unnatural ability for an twelfth year old. Her reflexes have always been sharp, and it sharpened even more as she practised and competed in these races.

A rebel raid occurred when she was nearing her thirteenth birthday, unconscious, and emotionally drained, they took her in, and she lived with them for the next two and a half years. She was sent to do small missions, and underwent classes training her in the basics of spying, scouting and other survival lessons that saved her life more then once. One of her worst memories stems from this planet, when she was forced to prove her worthy to be a rebel by killing another. Being through much slavery and hate, brainwashed her, and she did it without second thought, though she regrets it till today.

She played mostly messenger girl for the rebels, her quick reflexes on a swoop being her only asset. She was the youngest in their group, but fastest. No more then six months after being taken in by the rebels, she was taken to the core world of Anaxes, where her racing skills were most handy when dodging the trees and boulders, zipping across the fast forests while carrying valuable coded information regarding the planet, and other subjects unknown to her. Spending her time there honed her skills, but never was it perfected. She chose to ignore the death raging around. She reasoned it the victims' own fault, and she wasn't the one doing the killing, she was merely messenger girl. At the age of fifteen years old the rebels were contemplating sending her to the system of Chandrila but decided against, and they sent her back to Tadath, not knowing her past very well. She was mortified when she found out, but went on the mission for old times sake, to see how her family was coping. Her mission was to infiltrate some sort of academy there. She never really cared much for who her enemy was, and who her allies was, since she could escape from almost everything on her swoop and even without it, she was cunning. Her judgement was greatly clouded with arrogance and cockiness. On her way to Tadath her flight was intercepted by imperials who suspected her, unable to escape she forced to submit her self to be further inspected. They immediately recognized the rebel insignia burned on her left wrist right above the veins, launching her straight to a prisoner's cell.

Coincidently they went to Tadath, on her arrival there she was interrogated, till today, she doesn't know what damage she did, or what she slipped, her memory blank when thinking of that. Her unusually nice manners, and high morals took her guards and interrogators by surprise. They decided against her execution, feeling there might still be a chance left for her, a chance of 'redemption' since she was still fifteen at that time.

Till today she doesn't know why and how she signed up, she merely follows orders now, and fights whoever she is sent to destroy.

Personality: She is a little naïve, but has extremely quick temper accompanied by sarcasm. Her downfall is her pride that takes everything to personal. She is willing to help other, and tries to avoid killing at all costs, except when she is over ridden with anger. When she gets close to someone, she grows extremely protective over him or her. She is extremely stubbourn as well, and she is also very impulsive,

Skills: She doesn't excel that much in close combat, though she is very skilled with her neuronic whip. She can shoot with perfect aim, though it does not come from her naturally, while training in the academy, she made a personal goal to shoot with perfect aim. Her only asset is her reflex, but she wishes to have more then that, and struggles to attain more skills.
 
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--Corporal-Hellra--
  -Dark-Dragoons-
SL/CPL Hellra/2SQD/2PLT/1CMP/1REG/1BAT/Tadath/VEA[LoR][ES2C]

Name: Leon "Omni" Shinra

Excellent work on the bio Omni. Looking forward to reading more of your stuff.
 
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Private First Class Marka
Raider Squad Fire Team Captain
FTC/PFC Marka/3SQD/1PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE
[LoR][ES2C]

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together"

Shinra... FF7!
 
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ASL/CPL Darr-Rann/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1RGT/1BAT/VEA/VE/Tadath [LoR][CoR]
LANCE CORPORAL
one of few - A vast Empire medic
Read Losses of Vandetta by me and Hellra
www.darr-rann.95mb.com

Very good. Some grammatical errors here and there, but everyone has those. Excellent job. I'll place you in a squad - check your email soon.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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I'd like to welcome Private Gunnar to Drill Squad.

Now check your email for your next step in graudating from Drill Squad.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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