Giovanni Bryden
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Chuck Norris
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November 19, 2005
12:36:31 AM
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Man or Diety?
You decide.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, only Chuck never cries.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris. -----------------------
*DarkDragoons*
*Corporal Giovanni A. Bryden*
FTL/CPL Giovanni Bryden/2SQD/2PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE/[LoR]
Whenever death may surprise us, let it be welcome if our battle cry has reached even one receptive ear and another hand reaches out to take up our arms.
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Sniping101
ComNet Disciple
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 19, 2005
12:49:27 AM
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I see you have visited the Chuck Norris 'fact' repository,  -----------------------
TRP/SSG Sniping101/4SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE [LoR][IH][BoA]
Storm you better get your ass in gear, cause Wildcard's gonna make it hot in here.
Vin Diesel has been known to have philosophical debates with R2D2.
" (I) Is always hatching plots against newlyweds; I mar the beauty of virgins and cause their hearts to grow cold"
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TK-112
ComNet Veteran
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 19, 2005
4:37:49 AM
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I like the Vin Diesel ones better. -----------------------
Senior Sergeant David "TK-112" Bowman - Master Chef
Vast Empire Army Advisor
AD/SSG TK-112/VEA/VE [CoR] [IH] [BoA] [SoS] [GRoM]
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Garet Daimun
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 19, 2005
9:59:32 AM
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Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Diety. -----------------------
Lance Corporal Garet Daimun
Dark Dragoons
TRP/LCPL Garet Daimun/2SQD/1PLT/1COM/1RGT/1BAT/Tadath/VEA
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vint
ComNet Member
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 19, 2005
12:19:42 AM
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My brother showed me these last night. I never laughed so hard in my life....or just that day. |
Shazam
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 19, 2005
1:30:13 PM
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Wow. That is probably the greatest thing I have ever seen on the lounge. Beside the FF7 World Map experience. Thankyou, Gio. No... Thankyou Chuck. -----------------------
*Flash Was Here...*
CMDR/ESN Shazam/Nazgul 1-1/Phoenix Wing/mSSD Atrus/1VENF/VEN (=A=) (=*SA*=) (=*MA*=) (=*FOCE*=) [LoM] [LSM] [VC:S] [DSM] |
Giovanni Bryden
ComNet Member
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 19, 2005
1:48:55 PM
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A diety indeed. -----------------------
*DarkDragoons*
*Corporal Giovanni A. Bryden*
FTL/CPL Giovanni Bryden/2SQD/2PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE/[LoR]
Whenever death may surprise us, let it be welcome if our battle cry has reached even one receptive ear and another hand reaches out to take up our arms.
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Kami
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 20, 2005
7:49:38 PM
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Vin Diesel > Chuck Norris -----------------------
Iron Horse Squad
SL/SSG Kami/1SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE [LoR] [CoR] [IG] [GCA] [BC]
TRN/KAD Kami/Training 1-3/VEDJ/VE
-=Surrender to your darkest dreams, and you'll live as you've never lived before...=-
+ Advance Recon Commandos {ARC} +
Storm you better get your ass in gear, cause Wildcard's gonna make it hot in here. |
Zafo
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 20, 2005
8:47:34 PM
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Zafo > Vin Diesel.
Burn.
Aye, Chuck Norris is something else...Made me laugh, all those things...hehe... -----------------------
~ZaFo
*DarkDragoons
+ Advance Recon Commandos {ARC} +
ASL/SSG ZaFo/2SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE [BC] [EW2]
~Keep on Rocking in the Free World |
Kami
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 20, 2005
9:16:44 PM
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Kami > Zafo
*giggles*
I win -----------------------
Iron Horse Squad
SL/GSG Kami/1SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE [LoR] [CoR] [IG] [GCA] [BC]
TRN/KAD Kami/Training 1-3/VEDJ/VE
-=Surrender to your darkest dreams, and you'll live as you've never lived before...=-
+ Advance Recon Commandos {ARC} +
Storm you better get your ass in gear, cause Wildcard's gonna make it hot in here. |
vint
ComNet Member
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 20, 2005
10:08:36 PM
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Conan will rule the world! |
chipmunk man
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 20, 2005
10:17:20 PM
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/me nods. Chuck is indeed great.
Heh, JMac has already posted that on his blog. -----------------------
SC/WO1 Chipmunk Man/Aegis 1/Phoenix/mSSD Atrus/DEF/VEN/VE/(=A=)(=SA=)(=*MA*=)[LoC][MC:1]x3[LSM][VC:B]
"I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking, 'Did he fire six shots, or only five?' Well to tell you the truth, I've forgotten myself in all this excitement. But being this is a .44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and will blow your head clean off, you need to ask youself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya? Punk!"
-"Dirty" Harry Callahan |
Gavyn Kanu
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 20, 2005
10:40:15 PM
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I think the Mr T ones were better than the Vin Diesel ones, and the Chuck Norris ones were the best, although some of the better ones wernt on the top 30...
God calls Chuck Norris "sir." -----------------------
"A painless lesson, is one without any meaning. One who does not sacrifice anything, cannot achieive anything."
"Do. Or do not, There is no try."
Corporal Gavyn Kanu
Iron Horse Squad
TRP/CPL Gavyn/1SQD/1PLT/COMP/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE [LoR] [EW 2nd Class]
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Garet Daimun
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 21, 2005
1:55:29 PM
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Mind telling us what site you found this from? I would love to see more. -----------------------
Corporal Garet Daimun
Dark Dragoons
TRP/CPL Garet Daimun/2SQD/1PLT/1COM/1RGT/1BAT/Tadath/VEA [ES2C]
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move."-Douglas Adams
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Gavyn Kanu
ComNet Initiate
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 21, 2005
2:05:54 PM
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just google it, chuck norris funny facts or something like that, thats how i found it. -----------------------
"A painless lesson, is one without any meaning. One who does not sacrifice anything, cannot achieive anything."
"Do. Or do not, There is no try."
Corporal Gavyn Kanu
Iron Horse Squad
TRP/CPL Gavyn/1SQD/1PLT/COMP/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE [LoR] [EW 2nd Class]
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vint
ComNet Member
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 21, 2005
9:54:02 PM
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Jokes We Thought Sounded Funnier When We Were Stoned, One Day 10 Years Ago
1.) Failed Chuck Norris Horror Movie
- Walker, Texas Chain Saw Massacre
2.) Failed Chuck Norris Exersize Equipment
- Walker, Texas Thighmaster
3.) Failed Chuck Norris Game Show
- Walker, Texas Win, Lose or Draw
4.) Failed Chuck Norris Government Agency
- Walker, Texas Department of Protective and Regulatory Services
5.) Failed Chuck Norris TV Show
- Walker, Texas Advertising Executive Whose Wife is a Witch Who Wiggles Her Nose to Cast Spells, Then He Leaves the Show and Is Replaced by Another Gay Actor With The Same First Name
6.) Failed Chuck Norris Snacks
Walker, Texas Dude Wasn't There Another Bag of Funyuns, or Did We Kill Them Both? |
Cosmic
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 21, 2005
10:21:06 PM
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Bruce Lee > "Insert list of names here" -----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
----------------------- |
Marka
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 22, 2005
12:59:36 AM
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"Chuck Norris invented the word 'hello'. Before this, everyone greeted each other with the word 'schpadoinkle'."
lol gotta love that word.....schpadoinkle. -----------------------
Private First Class Marka
Raider Squad Fire Team Captain
FTC/PFC Marka/3SQD/1PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE
[LoR][ES2C]
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together" |
JSRUSSELL
ComNet n00b
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 22, 2005
2:49:39 PM
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Chuck Norris is the man I've even seen him once he's shorter then I imagined. -----------------------
LCRW JSRussell/Kaph-7/Pheonix Wing/mSSD Atrus/DEF/VEN/VE |
chipmunk man
ComNet Expert
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 22, 2005
3:28:24 PM
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Hey, we're not short, we're "spatially efficient!"  -----------------------
SC/WO1 Chipmunk Man/Aegis 1/Phoenix/mSSD Atrus/DEF/VEN/VE/(=A=)(=SA=)(=*MA*=)[LoC][MC:1]x3[LSM][VC:B]
"I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking, 'Did he fire six shots, or only five?' Well to tell you the truth, I've forgotten myself in all this excitement. But being this is a .44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and will blow your head clean off, you need to ask youself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya? Punk!"
-"Dirty" Harry Callahan |
Giovanni Bryden
ComNet Member
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Post Number: 481
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Joined: Sep 2004
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 22, 2005
7:57:43 PM
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Im short...
5'7 -----------------------
*DarkDragoons*
*Corporal Giovanni A. Bryden*
FTL/CPL Giovanni Bryden/2SQD/2PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE/[LoR]
Whenever death may surprise us, let it be welcome if our battle cry has reached even one receptive ear and another hand reaches out to take up our arms.
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Shazam
ComNet Expert
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 22, 2005
10:47:06 PM
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Some that I found:
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day. -----------------------
*Flash Was Here...*
CMDR/ESN Shazam/Nazgul 1-1/Phoenix Wing/mSSD Atrus/1VENF/VEN (=A=) (=*SA*=) (=*MA*=) (=*FOCE*=) [LoM] [LSM] [VC:S] [DSM] |
chipmunk man
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 23, 2005
9:48:23 AM
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Got ya beat Gio, I'm 5'6". -----------------------
SC/WO1 Chipmunk Man/Aegis 1/Phoenix/mSSD Atrus/DEF/VEN/VE/(=A=)(=SA=)(=*MA*=)[LoC][MC:1]x3[LSM][VC:B]
"I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking, 'Did he fire six shots, or only five?' Well to tell you the truth, I've forgotten myself in all this excitement. But being this is a .44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and will blow your head clean off, you need to ask youself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya? Punk!"
-"Dirty" Harry Callahan |
Darr-Rann
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 23, 2005
11:21:13 AM
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Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean
An unproven theory but... -----------------------
ASL/CPL Darr-Rann/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1RGT/1BAT/VEA/VE/Tadath [LoR][CoR]
LANCE CORPORAL
one of few - A vast Empire medic
Read Losses of Vandetta by me and Hellra
www.darr-rann.95mb.com |
Garris
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 23, 2005
11:36:10 AM
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Both of you lose, Chip. Im 5'4''. -----------------------
FM/LCRW Garris/Kaph-4/Phoenix Wing/mSSD Atrus/1FLT/VEN/VE |
Darr-Rann
ComNet Cadet
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 23, 2005
11:43:03 AM
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Me looks at his 6'0"+ self and frowns. Wow. For once its not an advantage beening taller. -----------------------
ASL/CPL Darr-Rann/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1RGT/1BAT/VEA/VE/Tadath [LoR][CoR]
LANCE CORPORAL
one of few - A vast Empire medic
Read Losses of Vandetta by me and Hellra
www.darr-rann.95mb.com |
Giovanni Bryden
ComNet Member
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 23, 2005
12:10:21 AM
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Garris, youre 5'4 but probably 12 years old. -----------------------
*DarkDragoons*
*Corporal Giovanni A. Bryden*
FTL/CPL Giovanni Bryden/2SQD/2PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE/[LoR]
Whenever death may surprise us, let it be welcome if our battle cry has reached even one receptive ear and another hand reaches out to take up our arms.
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Garris
ComNet Novice
[VE-NAVY] Leading Crewman
Post Number: 39
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 23, 2005
2:46:29 PM
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Actually, I'm 16. Im short. :P -----------------------
FM/LCRW Garris/Kaph-4/Phoenix Wing/mSSD Atrus/1FLT/VEN/VE |
JSRUSSELL
ComNet n00b
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 23, 2005
3:34:56 PM
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Ha Ha Ha I look down at you short people. Beholde my six feet of splender, but dont starighn youre necks ill get you a box. -----------------------
LCRW JSRussell/Kaph-7/Pheonix Wing/mSSD Atrus/DEF/VEN/VE |
Garris
ComNet Novice
[VE-NAVY] Leading Crewman
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RE: Chuck Norris
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November 23, 2005
4:33:30 PM
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How nice! Maybe I could get you a spell-checker... -----------------------
FM/LCRW Garris/Kaph-4/Phoenix Wing/mSSD Atrus/1FLT/VEN/VE |
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