VE NEWS
Fury Caught With In Bed With Whore
LCL Fury was caught in bed yesterday with a woman recognized by several investigators as a local whore. How the investigators recognized her so rapidly is a good question, but the complete verification was received. Fury, for his part, claimed that this was a vicious prank directed by noted Fallen Angels maniac Jaochim Geist. Geist was not available for comment, but the note on his door said "Out To Lunch" and there were sounds of orgasm coming from behind the door. More on this as it developes.
Anakin Steps Up
Our beloved officer Anakin has stepped up yet again. Just two days ago, Anakin decided to use the public restrooms. He has long avoided these areas due to "the excessive smell", using only the bathroom in his office while the rest of us have to use the public pots. But, on the 6th, Anakin showed that he was just one of the guys by taking a leak in a public urinal. When questioned, his response was "What the hell? How did you even know I was here? You sick pervert." We are still looking into what that comment was supposed to mean.
Officer Down
Epic was reported dead today by an unknown source. A search of his residence and workplace showed only travel brouchures from tropical planets, but failed to turn up the man himself. The investigation is continuing, but a positive result is not expected. More on this story as it developes.
Bad Luck Birdie
Kadann was struck with bad luck today while flipping off the latest round of reporters. As you all know, this happens with startling regularity, and is no longer a cause for concern. However, this time, something went wrong. While attempting to pull his hand out of his pocket, Kadann managed to catch his middle finger in the lining and broke it. A full recovery is expected, and we all send him our best wishes.
Bear Mauled by Bear
LCM Bear, noted member of the VEN was mauled by himself today in his office. It started out when he accidentally ran into a window soon after waking up. When he kicked the window thinking it was glass, he found out the hard way that it was transparisteel. Stumbling backwards, he smashed his head on the wall. Turning, he leveled a punch at the offending wall, breaking three knuckles. He turned blindly, clutching his hand and smashed into the nightstand at the side of his bed. Falling over backwards, he broke his tailbone in the fall. But that wasn't the end, his lamp, which had been knocked flying when he hit the desk, flew through the air and hit him in the head, rendering him unconscious. Three hours later, he woke up and called the hospital. We send our best wishes to Bear in the hopes of a full recovery.
We(I) hope you have enjoyed this issue of the VE NEWS, your local tabloid. This editorial will be published on a rigorous "whenever I feel like it" schedual, so stay tuned for the next issue.
Argon Viper
Publisher/Writer/Editor
