superpoweredjedi44
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drill squad
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May 17, 2005
2:41:22 AM
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this is my chacter bio.
Name; Brinzo Karies
Nickname  eath on two legs
Eye color: green
hair color: black
Age:19
Physical features: A scar over each eye that he recieved from a body guard that was carrying a vibro blade on a recent assantation assignment while he was a bounty hunter.
Brinzo was born on the planet naboo. His parents were murdered by the lengendary assasin karin lester. While searching the house for survivers Karin came across a young boy who she took as Her apprentice. When Brinzo turned 18 he decided to start his own career in bounty hunting only to find that it was to easy for him with his amazeing skills he was loooking for something more so he decide to join the the stormtroopers corps.
[This message has been edited by
superpoweredjedi44
(edited May 18, 2005
2:11:04 PM)]
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Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
[VE-ARMY] Brigadier General
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RE: drill squad
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May 17, 2005
2:55:03 AM
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Well... unless you were born when your father was around 50+ years old, that story is a bit far-fetched.
The Clone Wars had ended long ago (we're talking years), so watch the timeline a bit. We're currently in the Thrawn Era.
For right now, until/unless you have some extensive knowledge in timelines/Jedi activities of the past, I highly advise you not including any Jedi stories in your bio. I like the creativity, but remove the Jedi altogether. Two reasons:
1) Timeline issues (father's age, as said above, your current age compared to your story, and the fact that your story has Jedi - our own Dark Council will probably have issues/concerns with this).
2) I suggest making the story just a bit longer. Think it through, as well. Remember, this story is to help our members get to know who your character is: attitude, where he came from, why he is who he is, why he does what he does, etc. We want to know about you, and your past will reflect that.
Also, if you have Microsoft Word, use that. Use it for the spellcheck and syntax errors. Really keep an eye on the grammar. After you've taken in my tips, repost the bio. -----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Sniping101
ComNet Disciple
[VE-ARMY] Senior Sergeant
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RE: drill squad
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May 17, 2005
5:58:29 PM
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"Earth"?
aren't we currently in a galaxy far far away? -----------------------
TRP/SSG Sniping101/4SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE [LoR][IH][BoA]
"Next time I hide something, I'm packing explosives around it. Explosives shaped like silver bananas! Stops thieves, monkeys and monkey thieves in one fell swoop." - Kang the Mad |
Shakey
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RE: drill squad
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May 17, 2005
6:01:03 PM
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Yes,I believe we are,and Cos has a point.Putting Jedi of any kind in your story can get harry for you. -----------------------
*DarkDragoons*
TRP/PFC Shakey/2SQD/1PLT/1CMP/1REG/1BAT/Tadath/VEA [LoR] |
KnightWind
ComNet n00b
The Vast Empire [ARMY]
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RE: drill squad
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May 17, 2005
6:17:45 PM
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Im Alive!!!
Oh, about your bio superpoweredjedi44 take your time with your bio. Its what you will be known by for as long as your here. So think of something you'll enjoy.
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In the darkest of night he stands alone
Watching, waiting, learning.
Before you realize it your already stone
Your heart as cold as the ground.
He stands over you, cleaning his silent blade.
The knight grows tiresome
He must find new game.
[This message has been edited by
KnightWind
(edited May 17, 2005
6:26:06 PM)]
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Shakey
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RE: drill squad
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May 17, 2005
6:19:29 PM
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I think you put this in the wrong spot Knight.This shouldn't go in somebodys drill post. -----------------------
*DarkDragoons*
TRP/PFC Shakey/2SQD/1PLT/1CMP/1REG/1BAT/Tadath/VEA [LoR] |
KnightWind
ComNet n00b
The Vast Empire [ARMY]
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RE: drill squad
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May 17, 2005
6:25:46 PM
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hehe. ok well i was just excited to post :P
sorry sorry.
Didn't you miss me shakey? -----------------------
In the darkest of night he stands alone
Watching, waiting, learning.
Before you realize it your already stone
Your heart as cold as the ground.
He stands over you, cleaning his silent blade.
The knight grows tiresome
He must find new game. |
Shakey
ComNet Novice
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
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RE: drill squad
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May 17, 2005
6:27:53 PM
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Not here,go to the DD IRC or the lounge or AIM. -----------------------
*DarkDragoons*
TRP/PFC Shakey/2SQD/1PLT/1CMP/1REG/1BAT/Tadath/VEA [LoR] |
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
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RE: drill squad
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May 18, 2005
1:17:24 AM
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1) Stay away from any of today's terms. And yes, we're in a galaxy far, far away - forget about Earth. 
Also, I haven't read any of the books so I don't really know, but I'm assuming that Fett didn't take on any apprentices. He was a lone wolf - solo guy.
The story, I like. Instead of using Fett, try making up a bounty hunter (make up the name, etc.). -----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
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RE: drill squad
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May 19, 2005
1:23:17 AM
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Ok... a little better (story-wise). The grammar and spelling need a whole lot of work - use Microsoft Word if you have it, or obtain some kind of spellchecker.
But... fills the criteria. You're going to be placed in a squad, but a word of advice that I suggest you heed: this club's activity primarily revolves around writing - if you do half-assed work, you're not going to go anywhere, except perhaps the bottom of your Squad Leader's "Recommended For Promotion" list.
The interesting thing I do see with your story is the fact that you have a female bounty hunter taking you under her wing. Something I haven't seen yet (or haven't seen in a long, long time). Interesting creativity on that part.
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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[This message has been edited by
Cosmic
(edited May 19, 2005
1:27:54 AM)]
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Borsk
ComNet n00b
The Vast Empire [ARMY]
Post Number: 15
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RE: drill squad
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June 5, 2005
1:39:02 AM
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try dengar as your master bounty hunter not anywhere as popular or known as Fett but still very good |
Jack Nebulax
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RE: drill squad
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June 5, 2005
6:34:47 AM
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Borsk
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RE: drill squad
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June 5, 2005
7:01:56 AM
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