Just be aware that this post involves a bit of swearing. I'm really not in the mood to control my language that much. You can take that as a "I don't care if I get in trouble for swearing" attitude. This is more for the important people and my squad.
So, I guess I need to post this, considering I haven't been around, at all this month.
The first incident was when my horse was killed by the vets that were supposed to save her. That horse was my life, as I had her since she was a foal, and I hand trained her myself. So, of course I was pissed at the world when she was killed. And when I say killed, I don't mean put down. I mean severing an artery and leaving her to bleed to death. However, after a week or so, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was still pissed at the world, but in my head all the time I was thinking "shit happens".
Well, as most of you know I got trampled by a horse over two months ago. This is kinda where this entire thing branches from, considering I never really got back into posting after that. However, at the time, I was just like "whatever, shit happens". So I came back even though I could only use one hand and I was in a wheelchair. Like I said, I never really felt that I was posting to the best of my abilities, so posting was kept to a minimum. I guess that didn't help me get into it, but that's in the past.
Now, less you of you know that I also have a heart condition. I found out a couple weeks ago, when I had an attack that landed me in the hospital for the day. The doctors don't have any idea what caused it, and the possible effects range from being hospitalized for an hour to dieing. And so, they have no fucking clue how to treat me and make my heart normal.
I'm fucking 18 years old, and my life runs on sports and living life. However, with this condition, I'm limited to moderate exercise and limited cardio work. It seems either way, my life is going to end, but one way only allows me to keep "living".
On the 13th, I got fitted with a heart monitor that monitored me for 24 hours. On the 14th, I got fitted with another heart monitor, except this one is more indefinite. The doctors' are doing all they can, apparently, but honestly, I really don't believe them.
And now comes the part you've all been waiting for, sort of. I was thinking last night when I was laying in bed "I don't give a shit anymore. Shit happens, but it always seems to happen to me the most." Now, I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself, because really, that would be so, so needy of me to do it on here, and well, even though a lot of crap has been done and happened to me, I still love my life. However, that thought raised the question "What am I going to spend my life doing?" and really to be honest, I'd rather be out in the world than sitting on my ass on the computer, role playing with strangers from around the world.
If I had been asked even a month ago if I would ever give up role playing Abalar, I would have laughed. I like her, and really it was a blast. However, living my life is more important to me than writing about hers.
I'm off to university in the beginning of September. If shit stops happening to me, I will probably be back posting by the end of next month. However, with things going the way they are, I don't know how likely that will be.
I don't know what the protocol is for cases such as mine, considering I may be on once a week to make sure no one misses me too much. With that, I'm not going to ask to be placed in the reserves or where ever, because I don't care anymore. To me they all mean not active, and that is what I'm going to be.
I'd say sorry, but that'd be lying. I'm not sorry that I'm choosing my life over some imaginary charater's. I don't think any one will blame me for it, but just in case, if you want to tell me how stupid I am, follow this:
1. Take your words and shove them back up your ass. I don't need your shit. I have enough of my own to deal with. I don't need yours as well.
Thank you.
