Okay so. Tuesday night. Blew up in my face. Big time. I know. I'm typing in short sentences. Oh well. Deal with it. it's how I type when I'm upset, or angry, or crying... or or... Just EVERY SINGLE EMOTION IMAGINABLE. So yeah. Deal. Anyways. Tuesday night. It was going, despite the drunkedness and me getting pissed off quite a few times. But towards teh end of the night it was going well. I was getting along with someone that I never thought I could get along with. That was short lived. I did something stupid. But teh thing is... I didn't even start it. I kind of didn't want to. But... she drew my in. She's like a freaking venus fly trap. Beautiful to look at, but once you touch. BAM! Your day goes to shit. And that's exactally what happened. Some walked in and... BAM AGAIN! SHIIIITTT HITS THE FAN!

Like... I regret Tuesday for only one reason: it didn't go the way I wanted it to. I didn't get what i wanted. Yeah. That's selfish as shit. But I really don't care. PLus... I completly messed up the love of my life's relationship. She made me sound like the bad guy. She always makes me sound liek the bad guy. Why? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE! It just happens that way.... But again. VENUS FUCKING FLY TRAP. I keep going back to her. I keep wanting to just crawl back. Why?

I'M IN LOVE WITH THE GIRL.

She doesn't seem to get that though. It seems like she's just completly oblivious to what I could give her. TRUE. PURE. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Maybe that's why I can never stay mad at her. Maybe that's why I'm still IN LOVE with her even after she's beaten my mental state to a pulpy mass of goo. I'll never stop loving her. Never. I just can't. I think about ehr all the fucking time. ALL THE FUKING TIME. But again. She just doesn't understand. So now... she's with a girl she doesn't love. A girl who she told me she isn't happy with! But what teh fuck?! Why are you8 going to go and jump into a relationship only two months... wait no... ONE month after you told me that you needed time?! WHY?! WHy the FUCK would you do that?! Seriously?! It's because you're so fucking insoncdierate! You lie. You're a bitch! I swear to GOD that you get off on hurting me intentionaly sometimes. But I won't go as far to say that.

She'll never get just how much this whole thing is hurtuing me. Never. I try to make her understand. But she just doesn't. I don't care what she thinks... Or what she says. She still loves me. She's told me that. She's told her girlfriend that. But I know... I know that she's confused on exactally to what extent that love reaches out to. But anotehr she doesn't get: I can help her with that. if she'll only let me try. I'm not saying dump your girlfriend to get back into a relationship with me. No way. I need time too. I need to figure out whether or not being in love with this girl is worth my pain. Right now I think - No. I KNOW it is. Nothing else can ever come to mind when I hear, see, or even think the word 'love'. Her face, her voice, OUR memories. They pop into my head. EVERYthing I do reminds me of this girl. And yet...

I'm just so lost without her.
I need her.

But she's not there... She barely was when we were together. She's the first person I've ever like this about. The first person I've been able to confidently look into teh future with. For god's sake... We thought of it all. Marrige. Kids. LIFE. LOVE. HAPPINESS. But... towards teh end. She forced herself to push me away. She never fully told me teh reason why. I know that it's not because she didn't lvoe me anymore. I know she does. But I also know that she fell out of love with me. Only because she's scared. She's always telling me not to let fear hold you back. But that's what she's doing right now.She's running away from something that could be truly great for her because of fear and confusion. This confusion caused by the fear becasue she just won't stop running and look back and talk. Or listen even. She's scared to. But she needs to see that I'm there. I'll help her with anything.

She's the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I can say they while staring her in the eyes. I have before. I've said a lot of stuff to her that I meant. That I'll never take back. Everything she's said to me, and everything I've said to her is still running rampant through my mind. Every single thing we did together. Every conversation. Every place we went. Every song we dedicated to eachother. I can't get over her. I never will.

But still...

Sometimes. I wish I would have never fallen so hard for her. If I had known that'd it'd end up being this hard, and painful to try and forget the BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME... I would have shied away from teh very begginning. I just can't stand it. She's done so much to me, and my mental state that's driving me crazy. The time she wants... I'm trying to give it to her... but it's killing me in teh process.

I just wish that....

I could have that back. I could HER back. I need her. And I know that deep down she knows that she still needs me. She just needs to find that need. She needs to find that love that's been muffled because of ehr fear and confusion. She needs to... take her time. It kills me deeply to admit that. But she does. I know that I need to back off. I know I do. I know I've fucked up quite a bit with her already. But I just can't stay away from her, her scent, her body, her face, her love. Everything about her I love. her imperfections are what make her perfect to me. She's amazing. Truly amazing. When I see her I smile. No matter what mood I'm in. It just happens. I always get butterflies in my stomach when I'm around her. Always. She brightens up my day witht eh simplest of words. She makes me happy. Happier than I ever thought I could be.But... She doesn't see that. She doesn't see what we could be if she just gets away from that fear and lets it happen.

Okay. I think I'm done. If I think of something else... I guess I'll post a new rant or just edit this one. Thanks for reading who ever did. Comment if you must or want to.

Yup. Told you. Massive. Many spelling errors. But I don't care. I'm so upset right now. It sucks. Terribly.

I actually am getting treatment for my depression. Christ. I'm 17. Lol. But yeah. I just thought I'd post it. It's something I need to get off of my chest. And I did. I feel slightly better now. She just needs to read it now.

Just a heads up - If that was written for me it'd be far more likely I'll be furious at you then suddenly head over heels in love with you again.

Eh. I figured as much. if she does end up being mad at me... Oh well. I said what I needed to.

Unconditional love hurts. This is part of the growing pains in life. You're 17. Life hurts alot more at that age because we still can't comprehend life, and we still try to fight the unfairness of it all.

Angel: I appreciate your bluntness. And I agree to some extent. But you don't know my mental maturity. And thus you don't just how well I'm able to handle things. Case in point: you don't know me. And thus you have no right to say that I need to get over something.

Aeos: I've respected you since my first day here, and I appreciate your words. Thanks you.

Helena: Eh. Say what you want. Lol.

I udnerstand that it's not the end of the world. Maybe I just thought that posting my rant would help me get it off my chest? I figured that I'd end up getting some unwanted 'advice'. I'm prepared for it. Thus, I take no offense to your blunt, and rather rude comments. You are justified to say that I need to get over it. But it's not something to just get over. Age doesn't matter in something like this. So I don't understand why you found the need to bring up my age.

Ae couldn't have said what she said any better, it'll get better in a few years. Take me for example, a few months after I started out here, I was having a rough time and got plenty of support, now taht I'm in College, most of life for me is good. Stressful at times, but good.

Sometimes subtlety and tact just get in the way. Then it's politics.

I'm not going to lie, I just skimmed that post.

But generally I agree with Angel, this is no exception.

I'm going to take a step further and say that a person doesn't need anyone, that's emotional crap. Learn to deal. It's not the last lost love you'll meet along the way, better get used to it, that's life.

I recommend we just drop the subject now. She never wanted any of this criticism and advice, so we're probably wrong to give it. And yes, I know, I'm a hipocrit. So sue me.

Temper's are getting frayed here and it's doing more harm than good. Let's just leave it for the sake of everyone staying civil.