Its late, and I'm not doing much, so I'm going to offer some constructive critisism for this work. (Some of you are, I'm sure, shocked.)

Where to begin...

First, I'd like to highly recommend the use of a spellchecker. Microsoft Word, or a free version like OpenOffice's word processor, offer this with very little overhead. As an added bonus, they also try to correct grammar (though not always very well).

Second is a general note about tenses. You tend to go back and forth between past and present tense a lot in this post - might watch for that in the future.

For the rest of the critique, I'm actually going to quote your entire post and note things here and there. Most of my comments are in bold while additions are usually underlined (except when they're part of a comment). I've also struck through some things here and there. Here we go...

It was my first day at the StormTrooper Training with HellGate Squad,This should be a period, not a comma. After a hectic, interesting day filled with breifings spelling, Drills and Weapon Trainings why are drills and weapon trainings capitalized? They are not proper nouns. it was rest back at the Barracks.Same thing here with Barracks. Also it would sound a bit better if it "was time for rest" rather than just being rest.

      Most of my colleagues where having a great day with charger brand beers.There are a few things to note here. First the sentence simply sounds awkward. If the brand of their beer is worth noting, it should be capitalized (it is a proper noun); though I feel that it really isn't worth noting. Saying that they're having a great day also sounds odd - it may be better to say that they were having a great time, as I doubt they thought the day was that great earlier when their drill sergeant was yelling at them. I lie down on my bed wide awake thinking about my hostile pirate infested world back home,Go ahead and end the sentence here, that was a complete thought. The phrase may also sound better if it were worded more like "thinking about my pirate-infested homeworld". tears welled in my eyes for those unlucky souls who this sentence should probably just end "that didn't get out, like I did." or something. The ending here sounds odd because of the reiteration of the core word "lucky"...where were, no where not as lucky as me!!There is almost never a need to use more than one exclamation point.

    It was near 9:30 chronos in my the HellGate camp. End the sentence here, or possibly make it an opening clause by adding ", when " I thought may be maybe is one word I will take a stroll with one of beloved eeopis Generally, since this sounds like a thought the character is speaking to himself in his head, its best to treat it similar to actual dialogue. Often thoughts are represented in italics or some other way of marking them as being different from normal character speaking.( they are mount and backpack animal I bought from imperial store I own 5 of them) this parenthetical exposition is not really necessary. We all (or almost all) know what an eeoopi is, and we can easily check your inventory if we want to know how many you have. I am forewarned and foretold Foretelling is saying something that will happen in the future. about the novice sector that lies around our barracks, a hostile mix of desert and desert shrub land scape landscape is one word. Further, this sentence also sounds awkward. A rewording might be something like "I had been warned that the landscape surrounding the novice sector (is this a proper noun? not familiar enough with Army training) was a hostile desert spotted with dried out shrubbery.. The Wind no need to capitalize wind is chilly and is blowing hard, and few distant clusters of stars are visible in the distant it sounds awkward if you reiterate the same word too often sky!! This sentence was present tense; most of the earlier ones were past tense. Additional, just one !.

    I had my E-11 blaster rifle, some toasts, and beer, this comma is called the "Oxford comma". Not everyone uses it. This is a list though, so the others need to be there. Also, the plural of toast is toast. and some food for my eeopi all mounted packed is probably a better word here...,. I drifted quietly away quietly in to into is one word the night not wanting to disturb my celebrating colleagues!!. This sentence doesn't really warrant any exclimation points. But at the Security Check again, capitals up I am asked for clearence and is am is the right word here in the present tense. cleared!!See above regarding !'s.
Not far as we wandered of in to the western south-western co-ordinatess of compass we reached a shrub tree with nice shade and I thought of enjoying the my first day out with a snack I have bought and the Bbeer along with the silence and wind of the night. There are a few other things here. First this is a run-on sentence. There are a few distinct thoughts that should be separated. Second, the first part of it feels like it skips part of te sentence. Perhaps add "I was not far out" at the beginning. Really almost the entire thing needs to be rewritten to make grammatical sense and to flow better.

    An Hour caps has passed!!. suddenly my eeopi gets nervous and twitches its nostrils and I wake up from a doze!! No need to be so excited about waking up. Also, there are two thoughts here. We here hear an aerial vehicle with a queer shape not representing the HellGate Squad!! It might sound better of this was worded something like "We hear an aerial vehicle. When it came into sight we noted that it had a queer shape - clearly it was not affiliated with Hellgate Squad." Because you can't tell what something looks like by hearing it, and the rest sounds a bit off.
usually need a blank line between paragraphs
Two Non-Human caps again species if you just say "non-humans" the word species is unnecessary stepped out!! and started combing scanning the place with some sort of hand-held device and talking in a language not that of of our squad!! that I didn't understand. Squads do not have official languages, and it is unlikely that you know the languages spoken by every member of your squad, considering that you just joined it. we huddle together and watch in silence!!.


All in all, a lot of work needs to be done. The core story is there, but grammar, sentence flow and structure, and in a few cases spelling need improvement. Some exposition probably wouldn't hurt either; most of it is fairly abbreviated.

That all said, as always, I applaud effort. Whee!

This post spellchecked and grammar corrected by MS Word. :P