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Iorek Ordo
ComNet n00b

[VE-ARMY] Private

Post Number: 7
Total Posts: 8
Joined: Jun 2007
Status: Offline

Signing on

June 17, 2007 2:31:10 PM

A nervous Iorek entered the Imperial outpost in Drano, a backwater settlement on Tatooine, and strode over to the Trooper sitting behind the desk.
"May I help you?" inquired the Trooper
"erm.. yes I.. I would like to enlist in the Army Please"
The Trooper lent forward and looked at Iorek for the first time
"ahh, right, Fill out this pad and come back alright?"
"ye.. yes, ok"
Iorek took the pad and sat in the corner and filled it out in silence. Half an hour later Iorek stepped up to the desk once again
"Here I've filled it in"
"Ok, thanks for your time you will be contacted within the week"
"Brilliant!" Iorek exclaimed and strode out with a newfound confidence and a new life ahead of him.
"Kids these days" chuckled the Trooper.

And so began the Career of Iorek Ordo!

Thanks for reading, this is the first story i have written EVER. please give me some contructive critisism
Thanks

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TRN/PVT Iorek/Echelon/STC Academy/Tadath/VEA/VE

[This message has been edited by Iorek Ordo (edited June 17, 2007 2:32:56 PM)]

Aeos
ComNet Veteran

[VE-ARMY] Senior Sergeant
[VE-DJO] Acolyte
[VE-NAVY] Petty Officer 1st Class

Post Number: 1377
Total Posts: 3141
Joined: May 2005
Status: Offline

RE: Signing on

June 17, 2007 2:39:38 PM

I dont see any problem here, except that you need to watch out with your punctuation. Make sure to end your sentences properly, and also watch out for what you capatilize.

The begining of each sentence begins with a capital, and only if you refer to a person, or the name of something, then you spell it with a Capital.

Otherwise, it looks good!

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PO1/FM_Aeos/Sentinel 2/Flight 1/STCR Doashim/Defensive Fleet/VEN/VE[(=*A*=)]
TRN/AC_Aeos/Training 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
/SSGT_Aeos/[LoR][ES2C][CoR]

Iorek Ordo
ComNet n00b

[VE-ARMY] Private

Post Number: 8
Total Posts: 8
Joined: Jun 2007
Status: Offline

RE: Signing on

June 23, 2007 3:10:18 PM

cool thanks

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TRN/PVT Iorek/Echelon/STC Academy/Tadath/VEA/VE

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