Garra
ComNet n00b
[VE-ARMY] Private
Post Number: 2
Total Posts: 6
Joined: Oct 2006
Status: Offline
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Garra's BIO
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October 7, 2006
10:51:37 AM
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Physical Appearance
Native Language: English
Hair Color: white
Eye Color: crimson
Skin Color: White
Height: 6'1
Weight: 165 lbs.
Age: 19
Full Name: Garra Kami
Physical Build: thin yet cut
Homeworld: coruscant
Talents/Skills
Very good with all types of weaponry and knows assasin technicques and very good marksman.also a swift fighter (throws very hard yet fast punches and kicks).
Background History
Garra was sitting on his home planet in his room one day when he was 5 one morning eating breakfast someone knocked on the door his parents told him to go to his room.And so he did about 3 minutes later he heard his mother scream NO NO PLEASE DONT!!! and heard the sound of a blaster pistol go off twice.He was very scared he hid under his bed for 3 days until a family freind noticed him under his bed when they came over for a visit.Jjust like that his parents where dead. He swore to avenge his parents death by killing the people that did this to them.So at the age of 10 he enrolled in a junior military academy in the assasins division he stayed in it until he was 14 then he graduated to go on to the regular academny and attended till he was 18.
1 year later ----------Garra enlisted in the army he thinks his destiny is to find that killer or die trying that was his reason behind joining.Currently Garra is a soldier in the stormtrooper corps working for the Vast empire.His adventure continues............ |
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
[VE-ARMY] Major General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
Post Number: 4862
Total Posts: 7772
Joined: Sep 2000
Status: Offline
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RE: Garra's BIO
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October 9, 2006
5:25:36 PM
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I read the first sentence and stopped there. 
This club is a writing-RPG club (primarily). That means everyone's writing needs to be readable and easy on the eyes. Watch the grammar and spelling of your posts/stories. Be sure to read, reread, and then reread again if necessary before posting your story. Good writing habits not only make it more enjoyable for people to read, but it may help distinguish you in the club as well.
Post this story again (a final draft this time). Also, make your biography between 2-3 paragraphs long. Think about your character's history, and then write it out; after all, this is the creation of your character for this club - make it good. -----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
----------------------- |
RK
ComNet Cadet
[VE-ARMY] Lance Corporal
Post Number: 232
Total Posts: 823
Joined: Apr 2006
Status: Offline
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RE: Garra's BIO
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October 9, 2006
6:04:18 PM
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GOod Start Garra. But, make it a little longer, also you might want to proof read ( DOnt' worry I still have Garet checking my work before I post it.) But your off to a good start. -----------------------
Jester Squad
TRP/LCPL
RK/1SQD/2PLT/1COM/1RGT/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE [ES] [2nd Class]
" I am the best at what I do. Only what i do isn't very nice." - Wolverine
"I missed the part where that's my problem"- Spider-Man, Spider-man:The Movie
"I have wept over to many graves." -Magneto, God love, Man kills. |
Darr-Rann
ComNet Member
[VE-ARMY] Sergeant
[VE-VEEC] Reporter
Post Number: 920
Total Posts: 1587
Joined: May 2005
Status: Offline
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RE: Garra's BIO
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October 9, 2006
6:07:04 PM
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Oh, also, the last name "Kami" might not work out well - we have a member named Kami already. -----------------------
Raiders
SL/SGT_Darr-Rann/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1RGT/1BAT/VEA/VE/Tadath [LoR][CoR]
|EXO/WO2_Demonic/Kaph 5/PheonixWing/mSSD Atrus/DEF/VEN/VE| (=*A*=)(=*SA*=)(VC:B)(MC2)(VEB)(DSM)[BWC]{O1}-=TOP PILOT=-
SERGEANT
WARRANT OFFICER, 2ND CLASS
Communications Technician
Part time Webmaster Guy
"DICTATOR DARR" |
Garra
ComNet n00b
[VE-ARMY] Private
Post Number: 4
Total Posts: 6
Joined: Oct 2006
Status: Offline
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RE: Garra's BIO
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October 10, 2006
3:36:35 PM
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Physical Appearance
Native Language: English
Hair Color: white
Eye Color: crimson
Skin Color: White
Height: 6'1
Weight: 165 lbs.
Age: 19
Full Name: Garra E'vok
Physical Build: thin yet cut
Home world: Coruscant
Talents/Skills
Very good with all types of weaponry and knows assassin techniques and very good marksman.also a swift fighter (throws very hard yet fast punches and kicks). Is also trained in the martial art of Ti'ana and has the natural martial art of the E'vok clan running through his blood which is a whole bunch of effective martial art techniques fused into one very sophisticated martial art.
Background History
Garra was sitting on his home planet in his kitchen one day when he was 5 years old. It all started on one morning while he was eating breakfast.Someone knocked on the door. Immediately like they knew who it was his parents told him to go to his room. And being a very obedient and gentle child as he was then he did so. About 3 minutes later he heard his mother scream "NO NO PLEASE DON'T"!!! and heard the sound of a blaster pistol go off twice. He was very scared he hid under his bed for 3 days until a family friend noticed him under his bed when they came over for a visit. Just like that his parents where dead. He swore to avenge his parents death by killing the people that did this to them. So at the age of 10 he enrolled in a junior military academy in the assassins division he stayed in it until he was 14 then he graduated to go on to the regular academy and attended till he was 18. Garra has also made a recent discovery. Assassination tactics and skills run through his blood for he has found out that his family was the branch of a clan. His families branch known as the E'vok clan which was full of very skillful and talented assassins. One of the other things that he is obligated himself to is to find another member of the clan and find the reasoning behind his parents mysterious death. Then one day when he was in the academies cafe he seen the advertisement for the Stormtrooper corps. He then knew what he wanted his job to be......a soldier he thought surly i will be able to travel to exotic areas and across the galaxy through the military.I would be able to look for other clan members and the killers. Garra nervously approached the man and asked for a application the man gladly handed one to him. He left the academy the day after (it was the day before graduation) and waited for the response of the military.while waiting he noticed something very strange in his inheritance chest that was given to him after he turned 18 it was a chest full of his parents belongings and child play toys. He noticed a large book and some letters in it. He looked over some of the letters and all the writing was in code. He looked in the book though.....Could it be.....It was his clan records sitting in front of him all of his life being held by a social worker.......This made him even more determined to find the killers and another set of clan members.
1 year later ----------Garra enlisted in the army he thinks his destiny is to find that killer or die trying that was his reason behind joining.Currently Garra is a soldier in the Stormtrooper corps working for the Vast empire.His adventure continues............
[This message has been edited by
Garra
(edited October 10, 2006
3:47:11 PM)]
[This message has been edited by
Garra
(edited October 10, 2006
4:19:48 PM)]
[This message has been edited by
Garra
(edited October 11, 2006
3:01:07 PM)]
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Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
[VE-ARMY] Major General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
Post Number: 4866
Total Posts: 7772
Joined: Sep 2000
Status: Offline
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RE: Garra's BIO
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October 11, 2006
5:15:30 PM
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It's a better start. However, I am going to make you revise it by allowing you to look at my following constructive criticisms:
1) Really watch the grammar! It is vital in this club that one have excellent, or at least readable grammar. Remember the basics: use periods (.) to end your thoughts/sentences. Watch your syntax, as well. Be sure to place commas and periods in their correct locations.
2) When writing a story like this, it is better to write "three" instead of "3". Writing just the number "3" in a story (especially in a dialogue sentence) shows a little laziness or something to the nature of being "improper". However, if you're referring to a landing platform that has the identification number of "D456X-i", then I yes you can write it out like that because it would be silly to try and spell all that out - it would make it a lot harder to read, too.
3) Before you submit your post, I need you to read over your story to be sure that your grammar and syntax are correct. Also, how old are you? My hammer falls hard upon those that are 14+ in age with English as their first language. Why? Because it's imperative that they know such grammatical knowledge at that age. I am not nearly as picky for those who I deem are not "old enough" to have already mastered such subjects, or have English as a second language.
4) When proof-reading your stories and posts, it is best to pretend that you are reading a published novel or any other book. Compare your writing with the writing of a professional author, if you will. Would a professional author write: "I said it 3 times!" or would they write "I said it three times!" Use these basic comparisons while you write, and I guarantee that your writing will improve.
Repost your biography again while keeping my tips in mind. -----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Garra
ComNet n00b
[VE-ARMY] Private
Post Number: 5
Total Posts: 6
Joined: Oct 2006
Status: Offline
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RE: Garra's BIO
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October 22, 2006
8:58:16 AM
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Physical Appearance
Native Language: English
Hair Color: white
Eye Color: crimson
Skin Color: White
Height: 6'1
Weight: 165 lbs.
Age: 19
Full Name: Garra E'vok
Physical Build: thin yet cut
Home world: Coruscant
Talents/Skills
Very good with all types of weaponry and knows assassin techniques and very good marksman.also a swift fighter (throws very hard yet fast punches and kicks). Is also trained in the martial art of Ti'ana and has the natural martial art of the E'vok clan running through his blood which is a whole bunch of effective martial art techniques fused into one very sophisticated martial art.
Background History
Garra was sitting on his home planet in his kitchen one day when he was 5 years old. It all started on one morning while he was eating breakfast.Someone knocked on the door. Immediately like they knew who it was his parents told him to go to his room. And being a very obedient and gentle child as he was then he did so. About 3 minutes later he heard his mother scream "NO NO PLEASE DON'T"!!! and heard the sound of a blaster pistol go off twice. He was very scared he hid under his bed for 3 days until a family friend noticed him under his bed when they came over for a visit. Just like that his parents where dead. He swore to avenge his parents death by killing the people that did this to them.
So at the age of 10 he enrolled in a junior military academy in the assassins division he stayed in it until he was 14 then he graduated to go on to the regular academy and attended till he was 18.
Garra has also made a recent discovery. Assassination tactics and skills run through his blood for he has found out that his family was the branch of a clan. His families branch known as the E'vok clan which was full of very skillful and talented assassins. One of the other things that he is obligated himself to is to find another member of the clan and find the reasoning behind his parents mysterious death.
Then one day when he was in the academies cafe he seen the advertisement for the Stormtrooper corps. He then knew what he wanted his job to be......"a soldier he thought surly i will be able to travel to exotic areas and across the galaxy through the military". I would be able to look for other clan members and the killers. Garra nervously approached the man and asked for a application the man gladly handed one to him. He left the academy the day after (it was the day before graduation) and waited for the response of the military.
while waiting he noticed something very strange in his inheritance chest that was given to him after he turned 18 it was a chest full of his parents belongings and child play toys. He noticed a large book and some letters in it. He looked over some of the letters and all the writing was in code. He looked in the book though.....Could it be.....It was his clan records sitting in front of him all of his life being held by a social worker.......This made him even more determined to find the killers and another set of clan members.
1 year later ----------Garra enlisted in the army he thinks his destiny is to find that killer or die trying that was his reason behind joining.Currently Garra is a soldier in the Stormtrooper corps working for the Vast empire.His adventure continues............ |
Evani
ComNet Veteran
[VE-ARMY] Sergeant
[VE-DJO] Initiate
[VE-VEEC] Gaming Reporter
Post Number: 1200
Total Posts: 3141
Joined: May 2005
Status: Offline
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RE: Garra's BIO
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October 22, 2006
9:13:23 AM
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Any particular reason for red eyes and snow white skin? Albino or another type of humanoid?
[This message has been edited by
Aeos
(edited October 22, 2006
9:13:36 AM)]
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Garra
ComNet n00b
[VE-ARMY] Private
Post Number: 6
Total Posts: 6
Joined: Oct 2006
Status: Offline
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RE: Garra's BIO
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October 30, 2006
3:09:21 PM
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Just thought it looked cool  |
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
[VE-ARMY] Major General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
Post Number: 4970
Total Posts: 7772
Joined: Sep 2000
Status: Offline
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RE: Garra's BIO
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October 30, 2006
5:52:59 PM
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Very interesting. Check your email for your new assignment. -----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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