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Topic:  Kanderins Bio
Kanderin Draken
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  Kanderins Bio
March 14, 2006 2:50:08 PM    View the profile of Kanderin Draken 
Eye Color: Blue
Hair: Black, short and spiked (down forehead)
Age: 20
Distinguished Features: Large scar over left eye, from a knife
General Mood: Calm, but can have short fuse
Extra: rather skinny, but surprisingly strong and agile. amazingly accurate with a rifle, but needs to develop more of a killer instinct

History-
I've never forgotten those screams. Even now, ten years on they still haunt me, as i try to get to sleep.
To understand this, let me take you back to that shocking night, ten years ago, on Utapau...
   
I was sat alone in the back of an imperial transport, with my hands shackled to the bench I was leaning against. We must of been traveling for about six hours, although it was impossible to tell. But then suddenly, the transport eased to a halt, and I could hear the sounds of footsteps outside. The door opened and the intense light blinded me, making me hide my face in my arms.
     
" Ok scum, get up" ordered one of the soldiers. I looked up, and saw five stormtroopers looking down at me, guns pointing at my heart. The nearest one then grabbed me by the arm and pulled me up with such great force that I again fell over, landing on their leader's foot. I was met by a sharp blow to the ribs, probably fracturing one of my ribs, but hard to tell through the pain I had already been inflicted to, through my months of imprisonment. I was dragged out by two of the soldiers, at which point i had my first glance at where I was. Fire, all around me. It was a village, or at least what used to be a village. I counted about twenty five to thirty stormtroopers around the border of it, taking the occasional shot at anyone who dared to show their faces. The two soldiers then pulled me to my feet and gestured for me to follow them.
     
" Come on then weirdo, lets see what you can do" chuckled one of them. This thing they were referring to was my unique fighting style, of which I am only a student. The corps had attacked my village a while ago. While the rest escaped, I was caught. They wanted this power I had, but first wanted proof of its existence. Which is why they brought me to this village.
After a short walk, I was led into a hut, the biggest one in the village, where I found a group of children cowering in the corner, protected by a young woman wielding a broom. The obviously more brave soldier than jabbed me between the shoulder blades with his rifle butt, and with a smirk ordered me to 'show what i can do'. After a few seconds staring at the ground, I finally managed to mutter... 
"I cant do it"

All this got me was another hit with the rifle, and a spat remark from the disgusted soldier.
    " Remember scum, you show us or we kill that little girlfriend of yours"

They were talking about Janna. The mention of her name made me think back to the last time I saw her. We were sat messing about, as kids do. I wasn't in love with her, but i was the closest to that i could of been at that tender age. I promised her I'd never leave her, and to be fair I didn't. Being dragged away unconscious by two stormtroopers isn't what I would call leaving.
     
Next thing I know, I blacked out. Exactly how long for I'm not sure, but I do know that when I regained sight, the bodies of the children and their protector were lying humped in a corner, with looks of terror on their faces. I looked down at my hands, still in shock that I was the one that had done this. Dropping myself to my knees, I began to beat the ground, as if hitting it hard enough would make what i did disappear. It didn't. The Stormtrooper to my right then patted me on my shoulder, the first piece of affection I had received in a long time.
   
" You did the right thing, lad" He soothed
I didn't want his affection, I wanted revenge for my torture, for my family, for my village, and for these people. Before the soldier had time to counter, I punched him hard in the gut. The impact made him wheeze and fall to his knees, where I again hit him, this time in the face. He collapsed, possibly unconscious, but I did'nt stop there. I grabbed his head and locked my arm around it. The other soldiers, then realising what was happening, rushed over to pull me away. Too late. Just as I was pulled away, I pulled the soldiers head, round like a corkscrew. I heard it give way with a very satisfying snap, and then let go. The soldiers grabbed me and pinned me to the ground, why a medic ran over to help the soldier. Last thing I saw of him was him being carried away on a stretcher, I don't know if he survived. One of the soldiers hit me with his rifle, knocking me out cold.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I woke up in what seemed to be a medial room. I sat up and shook my head, at which point a soldier walked over to me and knelt down.
"Welcome back kid"
   
We then sat and talked for what must of been hours. Me wanting to simply die for what I had done, and the soldier trying to give logical reasons. I was filled in on why the soldiers were at that village. It was a terrorist village, that had been attacking civilian vehicles for a while, and had pushed it too far when they attacked the military base. It made me feel better, and so did the fact that my village wasn't harmed, and they were all staying here in the dormitories.
     
I was convinced to join the stormtroopers, probably from their constant appraises and power of authority. I stayed in the dormitories for a few months, before going toward the main army base. I made my first steps to that libarian sat at the counter...
[This message has been edited by Kanderin Draken (edited March 14, 2006 2:52:53 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Kanderin Draken (edited March 15, 2006 10:15:31 AM)]
[This message has been edited by Kanderin Draken (edited March 18, 2006 6:53:20 AM)]
[This message has been edited by Kanderin Draken (edited March 21, 2006 2:15:59 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Kanderin Draken (edited March 22, 2006 10:40:51 AM)]
Fury
ComNet Overlord
 
Fury
 
[VE-ARMY] Surface Marshal
[VE-VEHC] Surface Marshal*
 
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  RE: Kanderins Bio
March 14, 2006 5:51:43 PM    View the profile of Fury 
Kind of a really jaded way to get into a white bucket and greaves, but not bad. Nicely detailed, though sporadically.

I'd really like to see more about these skills of your's, plus a bit more on your life writ large. We have a close-to-complete snapshot, but more fleshing out of your character would help.

Incidentally, you are a human on Utapau, right?  I only ask as there are other majority species there.
 
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PRF/SM Fury/VEA/TADATH/VE [MoH][SCPx2][PoC][SotE:HC][SotE:VEA][MSM][IOC]
Prefect - Stormtrooper Corps
Administrator - Imperial Center
Kanderin Draken
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  RE: Kanderins Bio
March 15, 2006 9:50:36 AM    View the profile of Kanderin Draken 
Yeah, i am a human on utapau, and i am planning on sorting out the bio, making it more impressive. Ill admit it and say i rushed the last bit, which is why it seems to end so fast after the huge part about inside the transporter.
I also missed a few bits of that i would of liked to add, such as skills, so ill do that right now
P.S: The fighting style i mention is an early form of simple karate, which i decided on being unknown at that point in time
Kanderin Draken
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  RE: Kanderins Bio
March 15, 2006 10:17:06 AM    View the profile of Kanderin Draken 
Ok just finsihed it. I changed the whole second half, so i join the core on a lighter note, and there is hopefully a more complete picture of me
Kanderin Draken
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  RE: Kanderins Bio
March 20, 2006 10:28:04 AM    View the profile of Kanderin Draken 
Ok im sorry if i sound impatient, but this has been on for over a week now, and still only one reply? can i please have some feedback?
Fury
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  RE: Kanderins Bio
March 20, 2006 5:25:08 PM    View the profile of Fury 
Kindly slap a space between each paragraph. It will make reading your bio a LOT easier.  I tried to skim it between working cases here in the office and I'm having a hard time focusing.

I'm sure you'll get better feedback soon, but as a courtesy, please consider the spacing.  Thanks.
 
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PRF/SM Fury/VEA/TADATH/VE [MoH][SCPx2][PoC][SotE:HC][SotE:VEA][MSM][IOC]
Prefect - Stormtrooper Corps
Administrator - Imperial Center
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
 
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  RE: Kanderins Bio
March 20, 2006 6:12:03 PM    View the profile of Cosmic 
I like it. Just remember to spell out numbers and not say, for example: "I went 5 times". If it's a small enough number, you should spell out the number.

I think you were referring to the "Corps" when you said "Core".

Other than that, it seems pretty good.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Kanderin Draken
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  RE: Kanderins Bio
March 21, 2006 2:16:33 PM    View the profile of Kanderin Draken 
Ok paragraphs spaced and numbers turned into words. that ok now?
Garet Daimun
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Garet Daimun
 
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  RE: Kanderins Bio
March 21, 2006 2:23:26 PM    View the profile of Garet Daimun 
Sorry for stepping in here, but I'm going to go ahead and save some time for everyone and tell you that a "Space between each paragraph" means pressing "Enter" after each paragraph, not a tab.

Fix that, and according to everyone else, it should be fine.
 
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DarkDragoons
+ Advance Recon Commandos {ARC} +

FTL/SGT Garet Daimun/2SQD/1PLT/1COM/1RGT/1BAT/Tadath/VEA [ES2C]

"I don't need a plan. Plans are for scientists, and builders. I've got moxy... and guns."
-Jennifer Mui, 'Mercenaries'
"As soon as you step through that door, they'll be watching you like hawks. Hawks with video cameras!"
-Livingston Dell, 'Ocean's 11'
Angel
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  RE: Kanderins Bio
March 21, 2006 4:14:03 PM    View the profile of Angel 
I may be the lone ranger on this one, but try capitalizing "I." Last I checked it was still proper to do so.
 
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Iron Horse Squad
[LoR] [RoM] [BC] [CDS] [WM] [GRoM] [IH] {BoA}
------------------------
Sith Guardian
CM/SG Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Eagle 1-1/Sith/Dark Jedi Order/Vast Empire [VP:1]

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Jakireth
ComNet Member
 
Jakireth
 
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  RE: Kanderins Bio
March 21, 2006 6:12:14 PM    View the profile of Jakireth 
'I' comes before 'E', 'cept after 'C'.

Just thought I'd share that.
 
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The"Stallion"Horsie
Iron Horse Squad
Army of the Vast Empire
------------------------
TRP/LCPL Jakireth/1SQD/1PLT/1CMP/1RGT/1BAT/Tadath/VEA[LoR]
Rep/Reporter Jakireth/NewsRep: 2/News Division/VET/VE
Kanderin Draken
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  RE: Kanderins Bio
March 22, 2006 10:43:10 AM    View the profile of Kanderin Draken 
ok thankyou all for your comments, and i think everyones comments are now corrected. so is it ok now?
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