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Topic:  bio very much better
Yoder
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Post Number:  59
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  bio very much better
February 19, 2006 11:59:16 PM    View the profile of Yoder 
Age: 24
Eye's: brown
Hair: dark brown
Race: Coreillian
Skills: I can run or walk silently/I can do hand-to-hand very well/melee weapons I can duel well with swords or anything of the such /Im a good sniper but i still need practise
Height: 6"00'
Weight: 178 pounds
build: medium
History:
    I was ten when my parents died from resisting arrest from CorSec, now called the P.S.S (public security sector) and afterwards I was let go with only a vibrosword, hold-out blaster, some rations,4 days worth of water if used right, survival kit with instructions, a few photos of my parents and some other relatives I know only by name and sometimes met them but rarely, and only one other  place to go and my grandaunts orphanage so I went there until I turned Eighteen.
  After that she died in a raid from pirates she saved my life by pushing me in there ship. Later they found me and recruited me in. I accepted with a devious plan to kill the captain steal a small ship with a hyperdrive and blow there small capital ship into a million pieces, also killing personally the captain my grandaunts killer.Two years later I killed him with a blaster in his face with him begging for mercy and I first shot of each toe and finger before he gave me a small frigates access codes to leave then I shot him in the stomach then the heart then between the eyes.
    I escaped but I was barely able to convince the astro droid that was badly damaged during a gunfight, to take the ship I killed the "winner" of the fight and stole the ship and left. The astro droid guided me to Coreillian space,there I worked as a guntrainer after two years I went to imperial space and I worked my living teaching sniping and hand-to hand combat there ever since.

Bio:
  I stalk my prey in the woods.The animal has no idea im there.Thirty minutes later I attacked with my sniper rifle and killed it.I brought it back to my students and said" if you can kill ten of these animals and bring them back not defaced in anyway i'll personally teach the first, second, and third student.The rest can go and die for all I care for.
  After several hours of standard time none returned so I expected them all dead,after all they were hunting full grown shriraaks in there nest.
  "Oh well ill head to my bar for a drink then on to home."Before I leave to my astonishment one person came out of the forest it was my best student he carried 5 shryraaks and all his clothes were gone and he was bleeding severely.I say" Are you ok "Student"do I look ok put some medical stuff out and friggin heal me".I apply medical equipment to him and he is stable.I say"student where are the others".Student "they all died, since we all knew there was only one cave they were in we had to go in together."
  I say"student what happened in there".Student" well we went in as a group next thing you know were shooting at anything that moves that we can't see.Then they got to us we at lest killed hlaf of there entire number.I was in the back only five came close I killed them but they hurt me like you saw."
  "Well they all died while I ran out with my five other shriraak followed me here there watching us you can get away but I cant"."I lure them away and kill as many as I can while you get away."With a smile and his gun he said "cya teacher, you were a good man go and check out the bar if you can."
  Then he runs of while shooting down dozens of shriraaks as I saw I left with everything and I shot dozens before they turned tail and ran back to there cave.
    I head towards the bar my student talked about,then I realized this is the same old bar I go to all the time.well I park and watched everything for a moment.
    I walk in to see a familiar face "Hello my old friend. How's it going "the human says "Not bad until you showed up?" * I smile* "Well you could give me some Coreillian ale not the brand made here, the brand made in coreillia "human says" Well you have gotten back from work, so here's one on the house" "thank you a day of fortune to us both we need it" *both of us laugh* the trandos in the corner of the room, suddenly,start a fire fight with 5 stormtroopers all blasters set to knock out of course.I knew well enough that they were to my surprise the stormtrooper closest to us shot me and used a vibroblade on my friend.
    *Hours later * Ughghhh * I get up* *notice that im in a Imperial stormtrooper recruitment stormtrooper line * a few hours later* a petty officer says" now go into this room and you will take a test by a droid answer as best you can "I say" how did I get here" petty officer" well you were knocked out and now have to work some personal depts. for a ale you gave to a now dead bartender the law requires you go into service, but since the bartender is dead you have to stay in service until you reach 45 at least if you are still a enlisted, now take that test"
    I say "Sir Yes Sir" * marches into room* *hours upon hours later the droid goes out to the officer * *I barely hear scrapes of what the officer was saying to himself* *the petty officer come in* petty officer" upon your test you passed *he smiles moment* now go and make the empire glad your in at all "I say "WHOOPYEEE I MADE IT YAY HIPHIPHORAAY" *goes to training academy next day *I say to my instructer "Private trooper Yoder reporting for duty,Sir."

End of Holo


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Yoder
trp/pvt
[This message has been edited by Yoder (edited February 23, 2006 5:37:07 PM)]
Otto Vox
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Otto Vox
 
[VE-ARMY] Gunnery Sergeant
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Knight
 
Post Number:  1210
Total Posts:  1390
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  RE: bio very much better
February 20, 2006 12:26:06 AM    View the profile of Otto Vox 
Dude, seriously, learn some proper grammar.
 
-----------------------
Gunnery Sergeant Otto Vox
Dark Jedi Knight
Trooper - Raiders
Vast Empire Army
TRP/GSGT Otto Vox/3SQD/1PLT/COMP/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE(LM)(ES)(SoS)(RCoD)(SoY)
CM/DJK Otto Vox/Lion 1-4/Krath/VEDJ/VE
Give into the inferno that is the Dark Side of the Force - Otto Vox
"The earth it shall burn right into our eyes on this very night"
"We shall destroy the earth, rebuild it, and none shall inherit it."
"Blood turned into fire, made to drink like wine"
Yoder
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  RE: bio very much better
February 20, 2006 9:40:17 AM    View the profile of Yoder 
Im in a bit of a hurry if you didn't check leave i'll check them later.I'll fix it when I get back.
 
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Yoder
trp/pvt
Angel
ComNet Disciple
 
Angel
 
[VE-ARMY] Senior Sergeant
[VE-DJO] Sith Guardian
 
Post Number:  2286
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  RE: bio very much better
February 20, 2006 1:40:00 PM    View the profile of Angel 
If you're in a hurry, don't post it until after you have time to fix it.
 
-----------------------
Iron Horse Squad
[LoR] [RoM] [BC] [CDS] [WM] [GRoM] [IH] {BoA}
------------------------
Sith Guardian
CM/SG Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Eagle 1-1/Sith/Dark Jedi Order/Vast Empire [VP:1]

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daminga
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daminga
 
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  RE: bio very much better
February 20, 2006 2:25:21 PM    View the profile of daminga 
dude, i mean no disrespect toward you but how many of these is that for you? you really need to just take a night and sit down and write a good detailed story man. edit it and revise it, let someone look at it if that might help and then post it. again, no disrepect intended, just trying to help.
 
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TRP/Private Daminga
Yoder
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  RE: bio very much better
February 21, 2006 7:25:41 PM    View the profile of Yoder 
I was in a hurry alittle plus when I came back which is today IM IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORK WEEK.Not like I can do this any day.

-----------------------
Yoder
trp/pvt
[This message has been edited by Yoder (edited May 15, 2006 5:15:47 PM)]
Otto Vox
ComNet Veteran
 
Otto Vox
 
[VE-ARMY] Gunnery Sergeant
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Knight
 
Post Number:  1211
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  RE: bio very much better
February 21, 2006 8:36:30 PM    View the profile of Otto Vox 
Then start typing it in a word document and each day add a little bit when you have the time. Don't just belt out a really bad bio because you "need to get it done." It really hinders your first impression on the other members of the VE. If you do that, you'll automatically be labled as a bad writer, and with the attitudes of most of us, including myself, you'll get harrassed about it a lot.

So to make yourself look good, do what I suggested
 
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Gunnery Sergeant Otto Vox
Dark Jedi Knight
Trooper - Raiders
Vast Empire Army
TRP/GSGT Otto Vox/3SQD/1PLT/COMP/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE(LM)(ES)(SoS)(RCoD)(SoY)
CM/DJK Otto Vox/Lion 1-4/Krath/VEDJ/VE
Give into the inferno that is the Dark Side of the Force - Otto Vox
"The earth it shall burn right into our eyes on this very night"
"We shall destroy the earth, rebuild it, and none shall inherit it."
"Blood turned into fire, made to drink like wine"
Yoder
ComNet Novice
 
[VE-ARMY] Private
 
Post Number:  67
Total Posts:  486
Joined:  Feb 2006
Status:  Offline
  RE: bio very much better
February 21, 2006 9:43:55 PM    View the profile of Yoder 
Well if I said I wasn't in a hurry look at it then,then you will all notice I did was add a few paragraphs to begining of my bio.
Better?
-----------------------
Yoder
trp/pvt
[This message has been edited by Yoder (edited February 23, 2006 5:32:03 PM)]
Jakireth
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Jakireth
 
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[VE-VEEC] Reporter
 
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  RE: bio very much better
February 23, 2006 12:04:35 AM    View the profile of Jakireth 
What....
What did he just say?
 
-----------------------
The"Stallion"Horsie
Iron Horse Squad
Army of the Vast Empire
------------------------
TRP/LCPL Jakireth/1SQD/1PLT/1CMP/1RGT/1BAT/Tadath/VEA[LoR]
Rep/Reporter Jakireth/NewsRep: 2/News Division/VET/VE
Angel
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Angel
 
[VE-ARMY] Senior Sergeant
[VE-DJO] Sith Guardian
 
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  RE: bio very much better
February 23, 2006 12:16:24 AM    View the profile of Angel 
I read it as "blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah."

Reading the first sentence of this (which somehow was an entire paragraph) gave me a monster headache...
 
-----------------------
Iron Horse Squad
[LoR] [RoM] [BC] [CDS] [WM] [GRoM] [IH] {BoA}
------------------------
Sith Guardian
CM/SG Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Eagle 1-1/Sith/Dark Jedi Order/Vast Empire [VP:1]

------------------------
Yoder
ComNet Novice
 
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Post Number:  93
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  RE: bio very much better
February 23, 2006 11:30:30 PM    View the profile of Yoder 
Wonder where is cosmic....
 
-----------------------
trp/pvt
Wraith squad
Yoder/4SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE

Wraith Motto: When staring in the face of death, we see our reflection.
Sniping101
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Sniping101
 
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  RE: bio very much better
February 24, 2006 4:12:53 AM    View the profile of Sniping101 
Alright Yoder, you're a member of wraith now and your behavior reflects on the all of us; this so this is what I want from you since it's too late to toss you in the story. I want you to take a week and rewrite this bio. I want you to start with a simple plot outline, move on and type a rough draft, read over that twice, fix your structure mechanics and spelling errors. Then I want you to write a first draft where you fill in the less important details, clean up the spelling and grammar, read it twice once aloud, once to yourself. I want you to email me the final product, I'll look over it tell you what can/should be changed. If a week is up and this isn't done tell me, I'll decide on a fitting course at the time should it be necessary. We have a multitude of resources to help out around the ComNet and there are also sites such as Holly Lisle that are a big help. 

Although i tend to gravitate toward being the type that hold 'how to write a book in ten days' type manuals in high contempt Strunk and Whites 'The Elements of Style' is indispensable and Technique in Fiction is decent in that it is more of a lecture comparing various authors than a 'this is how you write a book' manual.

 
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{Comnet Hermit}
TRP/GSG Sniping101/4SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE [LoR][IH][BoA][CDS]


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "Whoo, what aride!" -Who knows?
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