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Author
Topic:  Bio
Moshpit
ComNet n00b
 
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
 
Post Number:  5
Total Posts:  9
Joined:  Jul 2005
Status:  Offline
  Bio
July 19, 2005 8:55:58 AM    View the profile of Moshpit 
Native Language: standard and rodian
Hair Color: no hair
Eye Color: pitch black
Skin Color: green and bumpy with a hint of lime
Height: 6'1''
Weight: 120 lbs.
Age: 21
Full Name: Mosh Pit Adullah
Physical Build: Tall/Slim
Home world: Planet Rodia in the Tyrius System

Talents/Skills

1) Skilled marksman.
1a) Quick to move from aim spot to aim spot.
1b) loves E-11 Blaster Rifle.
2) can understand and speak bit by bit of Shyriiwook.

Background History

It happened so fast I hardly remember a thing but still every detail I do remember haunts me every time I close my eyes. The empire was doing its monthly routine and getting our best gunners to fight for them like usual, but this time they took my father. My father was all I had left for they killed my mother when she tried to stop them from taking my brother. A year after they took him they had the troops coming for more men tell us he died. Now I've lost my father too and have fled to the under grounds of rodia were the mercenaries and thieves of our planet hide and live. Not even the Empire dared go there looking for fighters for they knew they were the best of all of them and they could never even get past the gaurds at the underground entrances. While I was running deeper and deeper trying to make it to the sha'lai pub I ran into someone...Fear grew into my eyes when I saw who it was, the deadliest assassin on rodia Alfreic she'lin.
"What are you doing in the underground's kid"? he asks me and out of fear I didn't dare tell him afraid he might kill me knowing who my father was for he was almost caught once by my father when he was with the rodian police.So I quickly dashed for a door near to me but he grabbed me before I an reach it" wo wo wo I wouldn't go in there that's the mercenary calling hehehe, don't think you would want to go in there."
He asks me again What im doing and I answer him " the empire cam and took my father today on there trip for new men." "Who is your father" he ask's me. I slowly answered him "Chileon Adullah, sir". Oh I remember that name hm ah yes he was the one that almost caught me back at my assassination of.. uh maybe ill tell you about that later but for I remember knowing he only had one son left, Im guessing that would be you, am I right?" "yes" I answer. "hm well how about you come with me for the time being I would be honored to watch over Chileon's son, your father was a great rodian hehe better than me that's for sure much better a warrior. Ok, I shall teach you how to be a rodian warrior so you can go and find your father." For the next nine years he taught me many things, most common was sniping for he said it was a gift given to only few rodian's and he said after a while of teaching me that I had it for he didn't even have to teach me how to aim when I got my first kill.for two years I helped him on his targets but I kept thinking of my father and we agreed I wouldn't kill anymore people meaninglessly. Now after these nine years I am a great marksman and made myself a target for the empire by sniping many of the troopers that came one time but they saw me after I killed 6 of them and I offered myself up hoping they would take me captive into the ship and take me back to a base, and they did.When I arrived at one of the bases they said I was one of the most skilled out of the rodian's they have seen and among the bravest for only one other had tried to fight back and when they said his name I shuddered, for it was my father, and they said he killed 20 stormtroopers and 8 TIE pilots before they were able to kill him. After that they said they wanted me to fight for them as well so then with great speed I grabbed the nearest stormtroopers E-11 Blaster, strangled the trooper with one arm and shot two other troopers, and then shot the commanding officer in the chest, unfortunately I didn't kill him but I did agree to join the ranks and become the thing I despised most... a stormtrooper

[This message has been edited by Moshpit (edited July 19, 2005 12:45:58 AM)]
Hunter Emnis
ComNet Member
 
Hunter Emnis
 
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
 
Post Number:  320
Total Posts:  407
Joined:  May 2005
Status:  Offline
  RE: Bio
July 19, 2005 9:22:56 AM    View the profile of Hunter Emnis 
Really nice.... I like it, it is not half bad : ).  I see you used the details you asked me about.
 
-----------------------
"I have walked the paths; the shadowed roads
that lead to terror's breast. I have plumbed the depths of Hatred's womb and scaled Destruction's crest.
For every secret left unveiled, for every power learned,
I'd sell the remnants of my soul, regardless how it burned.
And still I sought a higher wisdom few could have attained,
'Though I found it, it would leave me-broken, damned, and drained.
For now I find this power gained is more unto a curse,
My spirit burns with every spell and each irreverent verse.
Despite this strength and knowledge earned, I have paid a heavy toll,
Never should've traded power for my own immortal soul."
Slick
ComNet Initiate
 
Slick
 
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
 
Post Number:  110
Total Posts:  635
Joined:  Feb 2005
Status:  Offline
  RE: Bio
July 19, 2005 9:44:14 AM    View the profile of Slick 
It's not bad, but you might want to change the first person thing.  I did the same thing, and I was told to change it.  It won't keep you out of a squad, but it just looks more uniform.  And our stories are not first person.  Just a suggestion... I'll let Cosmic make the final judgement.
 
-----------------------
TRP/PFC Slick/4SQD/1PLT/1COMP/1BAT/1RGT/VEA[LoR]

"Someday we will all be alone.  All alone in a combat zone, but the Corps going to bring us home."
Hunter Emnis
ComNet Member
 
Hunter Emnis
 
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
 
Post Number:  321
Total Posts:  407
Joined:  May 2005
Status:  Offline
  RE: Bio
July 19, 2005 9:50:48 AM    View the profile of Hunter Emnis 
Well, Cos always surprises me, I still say it is great.
 
-----------------------
"I have walked the paths; the shadowed roads
that lead to terror's breast. I have plumbed the depths of Hatred's womb and scaled Destruction's crest.
For every secret left unveiled, for every power learned,
I'd sell the remnants of my soul, regardless how it burned.
And still I sought a higher wisdom few could have attained,
'Though I found it, it would leave me-broken, damned, and drained.
For now I find this power gained is more unto a curse,
My spirit burns with every spell and each irreverent verse.
Despite this strength and knowledge earned, I have paid a heavy toll,
Never should've traded power for my own immortal soul."
Moshpit
ComNet n00b
 
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
 
Post Number:  6
Total Posts:  9
Joined:  Jul 2005
Status:  Offline
  RE: Bio
July 19, 2005 12:51:11 AM    View the profile of Moshpit 

Native Language: standard and rodian

Hair Color: no hair

Eye Color: pitch black

Skin Color: green and bumpy with a hint of lime

Height: 6'1''

Weight: 120 lbs.

Age: 21

Full Name: Mosh Pit Adullah

Physical Build: Tall/Slim

Home world: Planet Rodia in the Tyrius System


Talents/Skills

1) Skilled marksman.

1a) Quick to move from aim spot to aim spot.

1b) Very brave, tough, and does not give into interrogation.

2) can understand and speak bit by bit of Shyriiwook.


Background History

It happened so fast I hardly remember a thing but still every detail I do remember haunts me every
time I close my eyes. The empire was doing its monthly routine and getting our best gunners to fight
for them like usual, but this time they took my father. My father was all I had left for they killed my
mother when she tried to stop them from taking my brother. A year after they took him they had the
troops coming for more men tell us he died.

Now I've lost my father too and have fled to the under grounds of rodia were the mercenaries and
thieves of our planet hide and live. Not even the Empire dared go there looking for fighters for they
knew they were the best of all of them and they could never even get past the gaurds at the
underground entrances. While I was running deeper and deeper trying to make it to the sha'lai pub I
ran into someone...


Fear grew into my eyes when I saw who it was, the deadliest assassin on rodia Alfreic she'lin.

"What are you doing in the underground's kid"? he asks me and out of fear I didn't dare tell him
afraid he might kill me knowing who my father was for he was almost caught once by my father
when he was with the rodian police.


So I quickly dashed for a door near to me but he grabbed me before I an reach it" wo wo wo I
wouldn't go in there that's the mercenary calling hehehe, don't think you would want to go in there."

He asks me again What im doing and I answer him " the empire cam and took my father today on
there trip for new men." "Who is your father" he ask's me. I slowly answered him "Chileon Adullah,
sir".

Oh I remember that name hm ah yes he was the one that almost caught me back at my assassination
of.. uh maybe ill tell you about that later but for I remember knowing he only had one son left, Im
guessing that would be you, am I right?" "yes" I answer. "hm well how about you come with me for
the time being I would be honored to watch over Chileon's son, your father was a great rodian hehe better than me that's for sure much better a warrior. Ok, I shall teach you how to be a rodian warrior
so you can go and find your father." For the next nine years he taught me many things, most
common was sniping for he said it was a gift given to only few rodian's and he said after a while of
teaching me that I had it for he didn't even have to teach me how to aim when I got my first kill.

for two years I helped him on his targets but I kept thinking of my father and we agreed I wouldn't
kill anymore people meaninglessly. Now after these nine years I am a great marksman and made
myself a target for the empire by sniping many of the troopers that came one time but they saw me
after I killed 6 of them and I offered myself up hoping they would take me captive into the ship and
take me back to a base, and they did.

When I arrived at one of the bases they said I was one of the most skilled out of the rodian's they
have seen and among the bravest for only one other had tried to fight back and when they said his
name I shuddered, for it was my father, and they said he killed 20 stormtroopers and 8 TIE pilots
before they were able to kill him. After that they said they wanted me to fight for them as well so
then with great speed I grabbed the nearest stormtroopers E-11 Blaster, strangled the trooper with
one arm and shot two other troopers, and then shot the commanding officer in the chest,
unfortunately I didn't kill him but I did agree to join the ranks and become the thing I despised
most... a stormtrooper.
[This message has been edited by Moshpit (edited July 19, 2005 12:56:22 AM)]
Jack Nebulax
ComNet Disciple
 
Jack Nebulax
 
[VE-NAVY] Senior Chief Petty Officer
[VE-VEEC] Reporter
 
Post Number:  2288
Total Posts:  3245
Joined:  Aug 2004
Status:  Offline
  RE: Bio
July 19, 2005 2:54:26 PM    View the profile of Jack Nebulax 
It's good, Mosh, and it has great potetial. But for mine, I originally had mine in first-person view but later changed it to third-person.

It's very good, though.
 
-----------------------
Revenge is what holds this galaxy together. Without it, the universe would be a boring place.

------------------------------------------------------------
Senior Chief Petty Officer and Reporter Jack Nebulax (*Formerly and No-Longer a ComNet Spammer*), Imperial Navy and VE Today Staff, Vast Empire.
XO/FL/SCPO Jack Nebulax/Nazgul 5 (2-1)/Wing 1/mSSD Atrus/Defensive Fleet/VEN/VE (=A=) (=*SA*=) [SV] [VC:S]
Rep|Int/Rep Jack Nebulax/Rep: 4/Reporters-Interviewers/VE/VET
------------------------------------------------------------
Admiral Jack Nebulax, third-in-command of the Auroran Defense Fleet (ADF) and leader of Nemesis Wing (Wing I)
Angel
ComNet Expert
 
Angel
 
[VE-ARMY] Senior Sergeant
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Knight
 
Post Number:  1904
Total Posts:  3342
Joined:  Jul 2003
Status:  Offline
  RE: Bio
July 19, 2005 3:30:28 PM    View the profile of Angel 
Its generally good practice to write your bio in third person (he, she, it). Just because as said before, thats what all our writing is in. Also, first person bio's can be difficult and distracting to read, as it is diffcult to really describe your character in first person.
 
-----------------------
Senior Sergeant Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi
=[Arrogant Elitist]=
AS-2/ASL/SSG Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Iron Horse Squad/WildCard/Phoenix/Dragon/ Osiris/Army/VE [LoR] [RoM] [BC] [CDS] [WM] [GRoM] {BoA}
------------------------
The Angel of Death
CM/DJK Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Eagle 1-1/Sith/VEDJ/VE/Lopen [VP:1]
------------------------
He who sheds man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed. The three shall spread their blackened wings and be the vengeful striking hammer of God..
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
 
Cosmic
 
[VE-ARMY] Brigadier General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
 
Post Number:  3597
Total Posts:  7772
Joined:  Sep 2000
Status:  Offline
  RE: Bio
July 19, 2005 7:28:33 PM    View the profile of Cosmic 
Not bad. I'll accept that.

Also, yes to what Angel said: try avoid writing in the first-person. I did it in my bio because I, myself, need the practice and was just wanting to play around with it. I proof-read it like 10 times before posting, pasted it onto comnet, read it another 4 times to be sure it was ok, and then posted it. I also said on my bio to just look at the way I was showing detail and description, and that you should not write in the third person as of yet.

Other than that, not bad.
 
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------
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