Napleon
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Drill (Bio)
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June 14, 2005
7:19:55 AM
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FName- Napleon
LName- ?
Birthplace- Naboo
Age- 20
Ht- 73"
Wt-210
Napleon came from the planet of Naboo.His parents were killed,by the rebellion when he was five.His parents were wanted for giving information to the Empire.He then started woundering around Naboo.Till,he was found by a bounty hunter named Wend.Napleon was lucky for the bounty hunter was looking for an apprentice to help him for he was old.Then, Napleon made up his mind that he would be his apprentice.Napleon was wanted because he still had information about the rebellion that his parents had given him, before they died.10 years later,an old rebel general found him.Napleon tried to defend himself,but lost the information.He then lost all memory of his past,because he got hit on the head.Five years later, he recieved a message telling him to report to the Stormtrooper Academy for training as a soldier. Having nothing better going on in his life he agreed. Napleon has slowly been regaining some of his memory. He is aware that he is not average and seems to excel above his peers. The whereabouts of his family are unknown.Napleon then found out that he has special abilties for leadership.Since then he has been wanting to be an emperor of the Empire,and have supreme rule of the galaxy.
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Napleon
[This message has been edited by
Napleon
(edited June 22, 2005
10:17:31 AM)]
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Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
[VE-ARMY] Brigadier General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
Post Number: 3329
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Joined: Sep 2000
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RE: Drill (Bio)
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June 14, 2005
12:35:40 AM
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KnightWind's Bio
Click the above and go to the 10th post down to read KnightWind's biography. Use his bio as an example of how you should create your own. Basically, I want to know who your character is and what he's like: where did he come from? what's his past like? what's his personality?
Also, remove the whole "I fought a Jedi and was raised by a Sith Lord" bit. For one thing, the Jedi are pretty much extinct - you're not going to find one. Second, there are really no Sith around either, heh. All trained Force-sensitive beings have been pretty much extinct.
Keep this in mind when you rewrite. -----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Napleon
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RE: Drill (Bio)
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June 18, 2005
7:49:22 PM
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Napleon
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Cosmic
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RE: Drill (Bio)
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June 18, 2005
10:05:55 PM
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Ok, improved, but still some things I want to see cleared up.
1) Take out the "learned the ways of the Dark Side". The reason why we don't allow new recruits (or any other VE members) to have "learned the ways of the Dark Side" or be Force-sensitive is because pretty much all trained Jedi/Dark Jedi have been extinct... gone... dead. Also, even when an individual says "I have been trained in the ways of the Force"... they really have no knowledge of what they're getting themselves into. If an individual was trained in the ways of the Force, I highly doubt they'd join something such as the Empire in order to become part of a "greater collective".
2) Watch the spelling (genral?... maybe you meant "General"). My suggestion is once you're done with writing, read your post out loud and see if it "sounds right". If it doesn't, then it's probably not right visually either.
You need to be able to write properly before you get placed into a squad, and that's why Drill is here to help prepare you for that. Amend it once more. -----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Napleon
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RE: Drill (Bio)
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June 20, 2005
2:47:11 PM
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Napleon
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Cosmic
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RE: Drill (Bio)
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June 20, 2005
2:59:23 PM
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Ok. Better than the previous post, but I'm going to make you rewrite this again.
1) Grammar is a big issue. You need to watch it because poor grammar and syntax makes posts look bad.
2) You give very little information on your character's past, which is what I'm mainly looking for. I want to know who your character is... be creative, but keep it reasonable.
So, post once more with my revisions.
Do not forget to re-read your posts. If it doesn't look write on your screen and doesn't sound write when you read it aloud, it probably isn't right. -----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Napleon
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RE: Drill (Bio)
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June 21, 2005
7:51:35 AM
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Finished correcting the (bio).
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Napleon |
Jack Nebulax
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RE: Drill (Bio)
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June 21, 2005
8:30:27 AM
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Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
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RE: Drill (Bio)
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June 21, 2005
11:31:38 AM
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Aye, a definately much bigger improvement. The story sounds more reasonable and likely to happen than your previous bios.
There are just a few more things, however. This should be the last of them (unless you make any more :P)
1) "Then, Napleon made up his mind that he would be his apprentice.Napleon was wanted because he still had information about the rebellion that his parents had given him, before he died."
I don't understand that... you died?
2) Really watch the punctuation and grammar, so fix those up for me. Watch the spelling too (write in MS Word and then paste it onto ComNet or something).
The Vast Empire is primarily a RPG-through-writing club. Don't let yourself get too frustrated with this because practice makes perfect. And before I place you in an active-duty squad, you need to know how to RP-write correctly.
Give it one more shot. -----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Napleon
ComNet n00b
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RE: Drill (Bio)
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June 22, 2005
10:17:55 AM
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Finished -----------------------
Napleon |
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
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RE: Drill (Bio)
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June 22, 2005
2:50:31 PM
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Ok. Well done.  -----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Hellra
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RE: Drill (Bio)
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June 22, 2005
4:34:57 PM
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I like the bio, but you will definitly have to improve on using you words, and in sentences. I don't know if i am allowed to comment on the bio, so sry Cosmic... -----------------------
Sometimes your the pigeon, sometimes your the statue....
Rather be the table cloth than the dishrag...
Everyone makes mistakes, acknowledge them, learn from them but dont drown in them...
I can sum up everything i have learned about life....s@#t happens...
There is a fine line between everything, before one decides on a matter, make sure you can see that line....
The lie is but moment, the truth is forever...
When i could see it, i couldn't stop it, when i could have stopped it, i didn't see it.....
Money is the root of all evil, but it makes the misery so much more comfortable... |
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