This is my character's bio, it probably has a lot of mistakes so plz tell me.


Name: Hunter "Emnis"
Birthplace: Tatooine
Age: 20
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown

Hunter's parents were not well known but his father died before he was born.  His mother left her home country of Naboo and visited a friend on Tatooine alone.  On tatooine she died giving childbirth.  Her friend took Hunter in and when he was about six his gaurdian took him to the marketplace, where was separated and kidnapped.  He was forced to work under a Hutt in a blaster factory in which he got his finger chopped off in a factory accident and had to be replaced with mechanic durasteel.  When he was about 16 Hunter had stolen a  DC-15S blaster pistol to toy with in his free time.  However, when his supervisor found out Hunter was beaten and scheduled to be traded away the next day.  That night, Hunter snuck into the factory stole some credits and ran away.  He decided to take a shuttle to the planet of the factory's best costumer: coruscant. There he wandered around and became a civilian of the empire.



 
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HUnter EMnis

Ok, couple things:

1) Fix up the grammar a bit. The bio is really for two things:

1. For others to get to know your character - his attitude/personality, and some of his past.

2. The first means of showing off your writing talent to the squad leaders.

2) You have a timeline issue (no biggie) and something of another sort:

1. Corsucant is not under Imperial control. The Vast Empire is currently in a war (chapter 8) with the campaign of making our way back to the Core Worlds and retaking Coruscant.

2. Naboo isn't a country.


Other than that, I like the story. Good work thus far.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Srry i couldnt post yesterday

Name: Hunter "Emnis"
Birthplace: Tatooine
Age: 20
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown

Hunter's parents were not well known but his father died before he was born.  His mother left her home planet of Naboo and visited a friend on Tatooine alone.  On Tatooine she died giving childbirth.  Her friend took Hunter in and when he was about six his guardian took him to the marketplace, where was separated and kidnapped.  He was forced to work under a Hutt in a blaster factory in which he got his finger chopped off in a factory accident and had to be replaced with mechanic durasteel.  When he was about 16, Hunter had stolen a DC-15S blaster pistol to toy with in his free time.  However, when his supervisor found out Hunter was beaten and scheduled to be traded away the next day.  That night, Hunter snuck into the factory stole some credits and ran away.  He decided to take a shuttle to the planet of the factory's best costumer: Coruscant. There he wandered around.  He met a person working as a spy for the Empire and decided to join because he was tired of being alone.  He thought that perhaps the army would satisfy his longing for fancy things.
 
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HUnter EMnis

Well, I am always sitting here doing nothing so I am going to redo my bio. 

Does anyone know if i hsould use a new thread or use this one?

 
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HUnter EMnis

TRP/PFCHunter_Emnis/4SQD/1PLT/1COMP/1BAT/1RGT/VEA

it was an good story,
but try to work on more personal data! like your height, weight, personality and physical build status!

you can use Commodore cosmic's bion for an example, just what did, but it is still a very original story!

private first class c.j.r2, great job hunter!

hunter, good story
but try to make it any longer

private first class, c.j.r2

Where did I leave off?  Ah yes:


                                        Intro:
  If I were to describe my life when I was young, I would say my life was a scapegoat for others.  I always got the worst luck it would seem I could get.  I was born on Naboo in a upper middle class family.  Although I wasn't poor or anything, my parent's weren't the best parent's in my opinion.  I can't say I never loved them, but most of the time, I wanted to kill myself when they got angry.  They got angry at the slightest things.  As you can see, I was pretty naive to think that I had the worst life in the world.... 

  My story about my life doesn't really begin until I was thirteen.  I can't remember what I did wrong, but that year, we went to Tatooine and before we were about to leave, they left me there for doing something.  I am pretty sure it was my fault though.


 
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"I have walked the paths; the shadowed roads
that lead to terror's breast. I have plumbed the depths of Hatred's womb and scaled Destruction's crest.
For every secret left unveiled, for every power learned,
I'd sell the remnants of my soul, regardless how it burned.
And still I sought a higher wisdom few could have attained,
'Though I found it, it would leave me-broken, damned, and drained.
For now I find this power gained is more unto a curse,
My spirit burns with every spell and each irreverent verse.
Despite this strength and knowledge earned, I have paid a heavy toll,
Never should've traded power for my own immortal soul."

Jack, practice what you preach.

And stop with the "Not to go off topic" crap. If you'r posting something you know is off topic, then writing "Not to go off topic" doesn't fix that. Just in writing that you're admitting that you are blatently ignoring Kad's Comnet Ettiquite rules.

Annoying...

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Senior Sergeant Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi
=[Arrogant Elitist]=
AS-2/ASL/SSG Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Iron Horse Squad/WildCard/Phoenix/Dragon/ Osiris/Army/VE [LoR] [RoM] [BC] [CDS] [WM] [GRoM] {BoA}
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The Angel of Death
CM/DJK Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Eagle 1-1/Sith/VEDJ/VE/Lopen [VP:1]
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He who sheds man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed. The three shall spread their blackened wings and be the vengeful striking hammer of God..

well hunter if you want ill read ur story or you could telll me it. Im not really that strong of a writer or reader, but ill do my best to help you out with anything. Hunter you know me, sometimes I can actually take things seriously. This is one of those things.
 
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Private First Class Zar Mulix
TRP/PFC Zar Mulix/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1RGT/1BAT/VEA/VE [LoR]

"When the big man jumps, the world shakes in terror"- Zar Mulix
"Experience does not exist, nor does it have value, for it is just a word used to describe our past errors."