She felt empty. Incomplete. Tokijin heart was a ragged, torn and hopeless thing inside her chest, a waste of space with no current reason for its existence. When she found out, she wanted to die right there. He had actually left her. She would never feel his warmth again. She felt cold. . .Incomplete.

Someone had told her to take some time off soon after it happened. To get away from everything that reminded her of him. She didn’t even remember who she had been talking to, but she figured it was someone who knew how close they were. It had been close to two years. Maybe they could’ve been married if fate had allowed it. But it was not meant to be. Her love was to receive a hero’s death. He had died for a noble cause. Dead. . .The word can’t be right. It tasted odd on her tongue, like it didn’t want to come out, that word, stuck in the back of her throat. She had spent no time crying. Maybe she was still in shock. Tokijin couldn’t tell. What was wrong with her? She couldn’t cry for the man she loved. Images of their time spent together flashed through her head. She shook them away. She didn’t want to be reminded. The ache and pain in her chest was constant; but it was too early to begin to try and heal. She wouldn’t allow herself to heal so soon after his demise.

Toki stood in the shower, suddenly awake from the depths of her mind. She didn’t know how long she had been standing there, staring at the wall but not really seeing as the water rushed down upon her. But the temperature was dropping now. She had been so deep inside herself, she was like a shell.

She didn’t talk to anyone, and she didn’t eat anything either. She stepped out, not bothering to dry off and stared at the reflection in the mirror, listening as the heavy drops of water rolled down her skin and hit the cold floor. She saw a broken girl, a young girl. Who is that? Her hair was soaking wet, yet still mangled and dark circles under her eyes told of deep stress and anxiety. She blinked once and remembered she was staring at herself, this was the sad image of what she had become in the time span of a few hours.

She wanted to escape. Escape to a place far away. She was afraid to remember, but terrified to forget. She dug her fingernails into her palm, trying to put her mind on some other pain but could hardly feel it even as the blood trickled down her long fingers. Constant thoughts of him ran through her head, and she had to stop whatever she was doing, frozen by the thoughts of days when she had been happy. She scared people, when she was out of her little room. She was too quiet. Too distant. She was like the loner, but she was even different from them. The people who distanced themselves from others seemed to be unapproachable. But more than once she had seen the deep pity in people’s eyes. She had become her own breed. She was the inconsolable, the untreatable.

She resolved to stay in her room after that. She didn’t want their pity. There was only one thing she wanted, and all the power in the entire universe could not bring that back.

For the second time in the entirety of her twenty-one years, Tokijin had lost the closest person to her heart.

* * * * *

It did not take her long to pack. She had very little and she had no desire to bring very much with her in either case. Nothing concerned her more right now than getting away from this place. She had looked it up quickly as the idea formed in the back of her mind as soon as she had been told. But a small transport ship would be leaving at point later that day. She made a resolve to be there when it left. She hadn’t the slightest idea of where it was going, but she already had a transport pass, and she was leaving. She had some time to spend so she decided to head to the mess hall and get some food. She didn’t feel hungry but she knew if she didn’t eat, Toks would start to feel the repercussions of not getting any nutrition.

Toki got a piece of toast and jam, and a small glass of juice and ate quietly at a table in the back by herself. She wasn’t going to waste anyone’s time with her dreary demeanor. Tokijin didn’t want to bother anyone. But that was a selfish reason to make her feel better, she knew. She just wanted to be alone. She didn’t want compassion or comfort. She couldn’t allow herself to feel better. In the mix of her thoughts she bit down on her cheek instead of focusing on her food. She tasted blood on her tongue, and sighed. Toki slumped back in her chair, dropping the half eaten toast on her plate and rubbed her face vigorously. She felt like she was in a trance, a dream maybe. She would be lucky if it was a dream. But her half-asleep demeanor did not make the pain in her heart go away, or make the blood in her mouth disappear. She knew she wouldn’t be allowed the mercy; it would not be a dream.

So many times had she wanted to be strong. She wanted everyone to know that she could handle things, that she was not a liability to the mission. But here she sat, broken and beaten, drowning in emotions that she didn’t want. She felt like a greedy fool, longing for something she could not have. She wished she could forget how to think. Maybe after a while she wouldn’t have to anymore. She stared down at her toast, thinking she should probably eat it but didn’t have the desire to do so. So she drank down the last of the juice, stood up, stuck the toast into her mouth and chewed as she walked to a trash can.

“Ma’am, you forgot your bag!” A voice called out from behind her. She turned around to meet the voice and saw two young men. They stared at her for a second and then the one who called her offered her back her bag. She had forgotten it next to her chair. She stared at the hand that held the bag and took it back, slinging it over her shoulder. She tried to say thank you but no words would come so she hurried away, staring down at the ground. She could feel their eyes on the back of her head as she fled their gaze. Tokijin simply wished she could avoid awkward confrontations like this where people would get a blunt look at her depressing state.

Toki sighed as she walked down the hall, her pack barely holding onto her shoulder, staring hard down at the ground, trying to avoid contact with the other people in the hall. She just wanted to get to the transport and leave. She decided she’d get to the boarding platform a little early.

She was not the only one with the plan of getting there ahead of schedule. A few others were in line to check in and board. She didn’t bother looking up at the other people around her. She kept her head down until it was her turn in line.

“Name?” Toki just handed the officer her papers with all that information on it. She didn’t make eye contact, nor did she speak. “Ah ok. Um. . .Ah, here you are Miss.” He found her on the passenger list and gave her a couple papers with an access code to her room. She nodded, hoping he would take it as the thank you she couldn’t say, and hurried up onto the transport. She looked up at this point, wondering where she should go. She decided her quarters would be the best choice. She would just call too much attention to herself sitting in a room full of normal people.

She found the right hall and headed towards her room, her access code held tightly in her hand and her bag in the other and reached what she figured to be her room. She entered the code onto the keypad but received an irritating buzzing noise in reply. She tried again, but got the same answer. She checked the room number to that on the papers and saw that it was indeed the right room. She jumped at the sound of heavy feet on the floor, but didn’t look up to see who it was. She instead stared hard at the keypad, praying silently it would open. Out of the corner of her eye she could see it was a heavy metal droid and it was nearing closer, and she didn’t know why but she was paranoid and just wanted to get inside her room. On her sixth try the door finally gave a cooperative beep and let her inside. She rushed into her room and leaned back against the wall, and threw her bag onto the cot. The room was small, but she didn’t care. She finally had a place to be alone.

She stared at the four walls of her small haven. Grey metal walls, most likely the same material as the rest of the ship. Two Florissant lights, hardly enough light, even for this small space. Cot looks clean. One or two sheets at the most. Small attached bathroom. Suffices. She documented the room, getting every miniscule detail down in her head. If she let her mind wander she would think unpleasant thoughts. She didn’t want to think. . .Of things. It was a pleasant little ship. If she remembered correctly, it was called the Bird of Paradise. She liked it. It was new, and change was good. Change was definitely good. It kept her mind busy.

Tokijin was still sitting on the ground, her knees pulled close to her chest. Her lower half was beginning to get stiff and she didn’t want to lose the feeling in her legs so she stood up on unstable feet. She waited until she knew she could walk and bent over to pick up her bag, and placed it on the bed. She walked into the small bathroom and once more stared at her reflection in the mirror. But this time it wasn’t to critique herself on the level of her sanity, but rather to fix her hair. She didn’t know how she did it, but her hair always ended up looking like a bird nest on top of her head. She used to have clean, nice looking hair that would always collaborate with her hands, positioning exactly how she wanted it to. The lack of control in her life made it hard for her do simplistic tasks that most sane people could easily do.

She made an attempt to calm the savage beast that grew atop her head and somehow managed to make it look decent. It wasn’t the clean cut look that she had once obtained as pilot, but her “new” hair didn’t look bad. It was messy, almost roguish, and cute. Toki wondered if she could duplicate it later. She arched her eyebrows in surprise. This was good. This was a step forward. It almost seemed like she had some sort of sanity left. Sanity was good. So was control. Control kept her from thinking about him. Dammit! One step forward and two steps back. She slumped against the closest  wall and began lightly tapping her head against, a sort of punishment for letting her thoughts go in that direction.

She sighed and walked back into the room, catching her leg on the corner of the bed and catching her off balance, sent Toki to the floor. She lay there with her eyes squeezed shut, concentrating on the pain of her fall, and pulled her legs close to her chest and attempted to hide her head in the nook of her knees. Maybe if she just stayed here everything would work itself out, and the hole in her chest would fill itself. . . But she wouldn’t be that lucky.

She sat up slowly, wrapping her arms around her waist and squeezed. The hole was throbbing now, like she would collapse inside herself. Could she ever be normal again? Sane enough to take a fall and not crumble to pieces? Tokijin didn’t think so. Her throat felt raw and it was getting harder to breathe. Would she finally start crying now? She opened her eyes: Her tear ducts still dry as ever. That felt like enough to push her over the edge. Nothing would work as it should be. She stared at the space beneath the bed.

Toki didn’t want to get up. She just wanted to lie there with what miniscule amount of sanity she had left. She gave her stomach one last tight squeeze and sat up and leaned against the bed. A nap sounded nice right now. She hadn’t been able to sleep lately, but she felt tired, so maybe she could sleep and going out of her room didn’t seem like a good plan right now. She turned around on her knees and stared at the bed before placing her hands on the edges and hoisting herself up, trying to use as little energy as possible. Toki shoved her bag off the edge with little care as to where it went from there and placed her bed gingerly on the pillow. It did feel nice. She stared at the wall across from her and slowly her eyelids grew heavy, and she closed her eyes.

There was only darkness. In the world she had often visited as a child, she knew this darkness well. Reawakened by the distraught of her very being, she reactivated the darkness. The cold ground, the harsh air, her heartbeat drumming fast and loud in her ears, it was all done before. In the midst of her despair, she was not surprised she was here. Her subconscious knew this was a dream, but regardless, she could never wake up. Nine years had passed since she had had this particular moment in her subconscious imagination, but she remembered it all too well. One never forgot a nightmare.

The red light in the distance, the silence that weighed heavily down on her; nothing new. But there was a sound that broke the silence. . .A light sound, that didn’t hold a beat but would start and stop, slow and quicken at random times. She sat up, absorbed in the sound. Tokijin stood up quickly and began to follow the noise. She started to walk in the direction she thought it was coming from, but it could’ve come from anywhere, any direction from any point. She quickened her pace as the sound began to speed up in tempo. The cold smooth ground changed beneath her bare feet to a rough uneven surface. She blocked out her thoughts; she knew what this meant; she focused on running.

The noise stopped. It took Toki a couple seconds for that piece of information to register and she skidded to a halt as well. Listening. The red light was still far away; had she covered any space at all? Then the voices started. She couldn’t understand what they were saying and she strained to hear. Toki could pick out two small voices, but the voices differed in gender. Then there was a scream. The scream shattered the silence and struck her to her soul. She wanted to reach out to the voice and hold it in her arms; offer the compassion to the torn soul that she so desperately needed herself. Then the noise started again. This time a wet slap was added to the beat, and Toki realized what this was.

In the small amount of light that pierced the darkness, she saw her. A small, ten year old girl forced to feel the same exact feelings Toki did now. The small brown and blue haired girl ran past her, but her small eyes did not turn to see Tokijin; she only an object in the background. She stared and watched the girl disappear back into the darkness. She waited for the dream to end. The end did not come. She felt like an intruder in her own dreams. She was different from that girl. She had lost a friend; Toki had lost her love. We are the same though. Toki wanted to convince herself that she was not that little girl, that she had grown out of those particular feelings. But she knew deep down, she was lying to herself. There was so much she did not want to believe. She didn’t want to feel anything anymore.

The ground shook once, Tokijin’s knees gave out from under her from the suddenly movement and she fell to the ground, but she did not feel the pain of her head meeting rock. Her eyes stayed open. She stared at that familiar red light. Once more the ground shook. The red light began to blink on and off, on again, off again. Toki’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. What was going on?

The light became too bright. It pierced her eyelids and she shied away from the light. She reached up to grab her pillow but only felt hard floor. Her eyes opened. Toki had fallen off the bed. She sat up and listened. There was chaos in the halls. There were screams and sudden shouts, the patter of feet grew louder and faded again as people ran in front of her door. The disorder she could hear matched that of her heart.

She slowly positioned herself on her knees and began to crawl towards the door and with an outstretched arm, and pressed a button on the keypad that would open the door. She pressed it. About eight inches away from the safe, home position, the piece of metal shuddered to a sudden stop. She could see out into the hallway now. The scene hadn’t changed from what she had imagined from the noises she had heard.

“The transport is being overtaken. . .By pirates maybe?” She moved away from the small opening and sat back against the wall next to the door. They were likely going to blow up the ship after they were done with it. That’s how pirates did things. But she wasn’t sure how she felt about this. Her pilot senses should be going insane, and Toki should be going into survival mode right now. That was what she was trained to do in situations like this. . .But did she want to survive? Is this why red lights were flashing only outside of her head? She pulled her knees close to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, thinking. No one would miss me. . .It’s always better than taking my own life. She racked her brain for a reason to live and couldn’t find one.

The decision was made. She would not move. She tilted her head back to lean it against the wall and smiled as tears ran down her face. She wasn’t sure what she believed would happen after she died, but the thought of there being a glimmer of hope that she would see him again set the hole in her chest ablaze with a found hope. She closed her eyes and waited calmly, content that the tears were finally falling for her love.

“Keep your eyes closed, it will all be over soon. Just stay there, don’t move, it will be over soon.” Tokijin tried to comfort herself, speaking to in a soft tone, as she would to a child. Her earlier tears had soon dried up as the motion of what she was about to do started to sink in. She didn’t want to go on, but had she really lost it enough to want to end it like this? She thought this was what she wanted. She wasn’t really sure.

“Hello… Are you alright in there?” Toki’s head snapped up to search for the voice. It had scared her, the sudden harsh metallic voice with an almost human touch to it. “Fine, whoever you are; I am coming to you.” It had been waiting for her to reply and now it was coming to get her. She looked around almost frantically, confused. Why would it come to find her? She rested her forehead on her knees to think. Do I really want to die? She had felt so lost before. Maybe this was the sign she needed. Maybe Tokijin really should go on living. Would he really want her to intentionally end her life this way? She dug deep down into her memories, not shying away from this time. She needed an answer. Toki thought of all the times he had risked his life to save her own. Would she have fallen in love with such a selfish man that he would rather her die just to be with her?

The last question was the answer in itself. She didn’t think so. Toki ran out of time to think, as that robot was here. Three loud buzzing rings hit the outside of her door and it was opened. She didn’t remember even closing it. It stood in her doorway, towering above as she stared up at it from the ground, the same droid that had passed her room earlier that evening.

“Ma’am, we need to get out of here. New Republic Soldiers and Mercenaries are attacking the ship.” So that was what was going on. She stared into the face of it, trying to anticipate what it was thinking, but you can not read what does not change. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words would come out. Tokijin only nodded and stood up. The droid stayed in the doorway, waiting for her to make a move. She took a step towards him, forgetting her bag, and made a motion towards the door. After you, she hoped it could tell. Either way, it stepped out into the hallway and began to walk away from the room.

“Follow me.” After hearing its voice again, she realized it had a male distinction to it. She felt better now that she could think of him as, well, a he rather than it. This independently thinking droid didn’t deserve that much. She nodded and tried to ask what the plan was as she matched his brisk pace but again, her throat closed up, not permitting any words to come out. She was beginning to grow tired of this communication problem. The droid suddenly stopped and turned to face a blank wall. She looked up and noticed right away his plan to use the air vents. She silently chuckled, remembering her experience in air ducts. He reached up to pull the door off the vent and quickly tossed it aside.

“We need to get to the hangar and secure the shuttle there.” She nodded and the droid made a move to help her up into the duct. She was about to jump up into the small space, but stopped for a second. The enemy would probably already be there. She needed a weapon. She looked around and saw what she needed. She held up one finger to the robot, signaling “one second” and ran back down the hallway to a fallen body on the ground. She could hear the droid questioning her motives, but she ignored his calls until she got a blaster from a NR soldier. As she jogged back to him she set the safety so it would not accidentally go off in that small space, and tucking it into her belt, then took the bot’s hand to shimmy up into the vent.

She could hear the strain of the heavy droid in the cheaply made air ducts, but she continued on ahead, looking for the right exit. It only took a minute of two before they reached the hangar on the small ship. She saw the bastards standing around the shuttle, preparing it for their escape. She looked around the hangar for more air vents. Seeing what she need to see, Toki turned around so she and the droid were facing each other and she prepared for another game of charades. She pointed to herself, then down the tunnel and then pointed to another exit vent. She pulled out her blaster and pretended to shoot out of the vent. She then pointed to the robot and proceed to point at the ground. She wanted to distract the majority of the soldiers while the droid jumped out from behind them and they try and take them out. She prayed he would understand. He nodded, and in a quieter voice setting spoke.

“It could work, but can you shoot?” She nodded furiously, hoping he would believe her. She tried to speak again but no words would come out. She wanted to tell him who she was, but her body did not want it to happen that way. “Alright. But I will do the distracting. You go to the other vent.” She nodded, understanding. She’d probably make less noise falling out of the vent anyway.

She shuffled on her knees to turn around again and quietly began crawling to the other side of the hangar. She hoped her plan would work. The robot could probably do it on his own, but having a human to look after, again, made her a liability. This desire to be helpful fueled control; she could keep all other thoughts at bay. She could control her emotions.

She made it to her position and began to poke and prod at the vent. She locked her fingers around the door and pushed at the bottom, slowly with control. The bottom came out easy and the top part was attached with hinges. She was ready. She nodded at the droid’s vent through her own. She could see him lurking in the back of it, hiding in the shadows. She saw the vent door open slightly and a barrel emerged from the darkness. A red light escaped the barrel and hit its target in the back, sending him to the ground with a loud thud. Stupid enough to fall for the distraction, the eight or so soldiers all began to investigate the mysterious vent, all on high alert. It was Tokijin’s turn.

She opened her vent and looked down. Surprisingly enough, there were stacks of crates right below her. She crept out of the vent with as much stealth she could muster and climbed down to the ground. In the time it had taken her to get down, three more mercenaries had fallen by the droid’s aim. Toki was close enough to the shuttle where if she sprinted for it she could clear it out. She decided to make a run for it. She ran on light feet to the shuttle. The ramp was already down and she scuttled up the incline, almost tripping over her feet. She wasn’t alone on the ship. She removed her blaster from her belt and slowly took it off the safety and set it to stun.

A man was sitting in the pilot’s seat, getting ready to start it up, but was distracted by the commotion outside the ship. She took her chance while it still presented itself, and shot him once in the back. He didn’t even have time to shout. She searched the shuttle and found two more men, one had seen her but she didn’t give him the opportunity to attack. She pulled the men from their fallen positions and pushed them onto the ramp, making sure to call enough attention to herself.

She quickly then stood behind the ramp, so she could shoot anyone who was coming up the ramp. Her trap worked, and one man came up the ramp, looking for the intruder. She shot him while his back was turned. She waited another minute and realized no one else was coming. Were they waiting for her? She didn’t know, but they needed to get out of here. She got down on her knees and stuck her head out to gaze out into the hangar but ended up staring right into the face of the droid.