Howdy, I'm the Adjutant to the Commander of Training, your trainer.

You have already done your bio, but read through that link below, it will help you with it.  While you have a good start to the bio, it still needs more substance.  Feel free to read some of the other bios (Mine, Shiric, or click on the Shazam's or Japheth's name to see theirs) to get an idea of what more you might want to put in your bio.

http://www.vastempire.com/wiki/index.php?title=Flight_School_%28FS%29


 
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Senior Crewman Gunnay
Nazgul 3-2
Adjutant to the Training Officer
A:TO/FM/SCRW Gunnay/Nazgul 3-2/Wing I/mSSD Atrus/1VIF/VEN/VE (=*A*=)

Althought it may not be any of my business getting invovled with navy training, gunnay was right and you dont seem to get what he means. You have a nice little story there with your history, but at only a paragraph its a little short. Generally bio's should be two + pages in twelve font in word.

Why dont you step back a bit and explain why you joined corsec, and maybe more of the day your parents cafe was destroyed. Just spend more time on it, dont rush
 
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Private First Class Kanderin Draken
-=Wraith Squad=-
Wraith Squad Motto: When staring in the face of death we see our reflection

Now! This is it! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain, or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands! - Auron, FF X

(I need to make a chart siting people's reason for joining the VEN.  I think vengeance is number one )

Well, they are partially correct.  Substanance is necessary for your squadron-mates to react to your character.  Imagine that you knew nothing about your character- would your bio be enough?  What I can point out right now is that there is really no apparent reason behind your original allegience to Corsec- which is an imperial based group.  Of course, Corsec was under Imperial control, but if you are kind of brainwashed into the Imp way of life, you need to say it.  Why were his parents mad at him?  Were they rebel sympathizers and killed for it but your character doesn't know? 

Also, the questions ask a lot of other questions like- one little incident drives you to vengeance against the rebellion?  That doesn't seem a little blown out of proportion?  By asking these questions I hope to establish that you need a stable understanding of your character's emotions.  Is he temperamental or calm and collected?  While you may give him plenty of attributes that help his over all abilities, you'll also want to include flaws so that your character can actually be challenged- like they're massively prejudiced or they can't seem to get their anger out of the way to make clear, concious decisions.  Do you understand where I'm taking this?  If not, just say the word.

So, I suppose I'd like you to go on ahead and clean this bio up the best you can, and I'll review it again.  Like they said above, take your time and just try to investigate your character a little more- make sure you're covering all of your bases.  Thanks for takin the time to listen.  Rock On.

(Btw- a lot of this is based on presentation, so keep it clean and lookin well put together- you're doing a fine job.)
 
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*Flash Was Here...*

CMDR/ESN Shazam/Nazgul 1-1/Phoenix Wing/mSSD Atrus/1VENF/VEN (=A=) (=*SA*=) (=*MA*=) (=*FOCE*=) [LoM] [LSM] [VC:S] [DSM]

I don't know if this applies to an Interceptor or not, but fighter pilots can't be very tall, can they?
 
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~Zharyn~

ok, i added alot more detail and put in some story, I think this is a much better start, and I hope you will all agree.  As always I am ready to take any suggestions on how to make it better.  But in the meantime, I hope you enjoy it...

I was going to say that you should put that posting in a personal story but upon reading the end I decided you've put it together pretty darned well- so good!  Excellent job, and I really like the twist you added about him killing his own parents and yet he doesn't blame himself nearly as much as the rebellion.  That is a perfect fuel for the blazing inferno- blame the NR so you don't have to blame yourself.  Excellent- I really, really like that.  I think you need to read through the top part once more and make sure you are gramatically correct as well as free of spelling errors, but you've done very well.  You can go on ahead and move onto Chapter II of the site I gave you- make sure you post your assignment in here so I can see it and critique it- lets get this down and put you in a squadron. 

I would really like to see your character develope through story post, discovering his own problems and whether or not he would stay loyal to the empire after deciding its more his fault- or maybe he never will.  You've got an interesting character- excellent.  Rock On.
 
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*Flash Was Here...*

CMDR/ESN Shazam/Nazgul 1-1/Phoenix Wing/mSSD Atrus/1VENF/VEN (=A=) (=*SA*=) (=*MA*=) (=*FOCE*=) [LoM] [LSM] [VC:S] [DSM]

Defensive and Offensive Manuevers:

Barrel Roll:  I always thought this was a trick for Air shows, and I showed my ignorance when I found out that it was more about momentum and surprise than a simple trick.  A barrel roll in space can be a powerful tool for the TIE pilot.  It  will slow down your momentum enough to slow to missle distance when behind a tricky enemy, or slow you down when you are in threat of overshooting your prey.  It can be used as a very powerful defensive tool by giving you the option to shake a bandit from your tail and finish the roll to come up right on his tail.  This manuever is more useful in a one on one dogfight and not very practical in a formation. 

A formation friendly tactic is the Immelman.  To confuse and split up enemies, a formation of three TIE's can break away, roll on their backs and split in three differant directions.  The greatest thing about the mechanics of space is that there is no ground, and most battlegrounds are a 360 degree space with no obsticals or gravitational fields.  Pulling the enemy apart in three directions in space will allow the wing to seperate and form back up, unknowing to the attackers, allowing the wingman to take out his companion's attacker in a head on barrage. 

I like the way they were written and the second one.  I'm not so sure about the first one, I've come to think of the barrel roll as increasing speed while beginning an attack.  I may be wrong, not a hundred percent sure, and none of my flyboy buddies are online, so I'll let Shazam give you affirmation on that.
 
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Senior Crewman Gunnay
Nazgul 3-2
Adjutant to the Training Officer
A:TO/FM/SCRW Gunnay/Nazgul 3-2/Wing I/mSSD Atrus/1VIF/VEN/VE (=*A*=)

I may have my facts messed up, oh well, Shazam is the one who's grading it :-p
 
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Senior Crewman Gunnay
Nazgul 3-2
Adjutant to the Training Officer
A:TO/FM/SCRW Gunnay/Nazgul 3-2/Wing I/mSSD Atrus/1VIF/VEN/VE (=*A*=)

Rak sat in the TIE Interceptor, thinking about how glad he was to finally be outside of the Interceptor class Cruiser that had been his home for months.  His training officer, Compray Courtney, had insisted since the begining that Rak spend the first three months of training in a simulator learning the controls of the TIE Interceptor.  Even after months simulators, Rak still didn't feel very comfortable in the large helmet and little cockpit.  He was used to X-wings, and even though that was the preferred fighter of the Rebellion...

"Damn,"  He said outloud, forgetting that the rebellion had become the New Republic.  Now, Rak was forced into hiding, on the Perser Summit, like the same rebel scum he was used to seeking out in CorSec.  And now, as the docking clamps released and the tractor beam pushed him into space, the twin ion engines kicked on, and he thought about how wonderful it was to feel the hum of a single-manned fighter again. 

Rak looked out into space for the first time in what seemed like forever.  This particular system had a gaseous orange planet encased in a ring of small asteroids and space debris.  There was a green nebula that could be seen on the far side of the planet.  The view was beautiful.  It was times like this that Rak's mind wondered from ghosts of his past.  He remembered the first time he went into space.
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"Rak, are you going to stare at that window the whole trip.  Coruscant is a long way away."  Mize Volgrath smiled at his 7 year old son.  He and his wife Jora had been urged to take a trip to the Empire's Capitol by Mize's associates on Aldaraan.  It seemed things were getting worse, and Mize didn't know how much longer he could afford to take his wife to see her parents on Coruscant. 
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Rak had loved that trip, which truthfully held all the happy memories he had of his parents and grandparents.  He saw his mother smiling and waving from a balcony high above the Coruscant bistro that his father had once grown up in; the same balcony that Mize had gazed up to night after night at the girl he knew he was destined to be with.

Rak sighed, now was not the time.  The Tractor beam let go of the Interceptor, and now it was under Rak's control.  He saw on the radar that another TIE had been released from the ship's grasp. 

"Gamma 1 to Gamma 2, are you ready to proceed Mr. Volgrath."

Compray Courtney's Interceptor flew ahead of Rak, and he wondered how many times his instructor had done this before.  It seemed that this job could get very boring.

"That's affirmative Gamma 1, I am ready to begin, Sir."

Rak thought about the pilots who had trained under Courtney.  The two had met on Rak's first day at the Naval Academy, and he was shocked to see that Courtney was not much older than he.  As soon as the man spoke, Rak knew that he commanded the presence of those around him, and always asked perfectly placed questions that always caught Rak off guard.
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"Well young man, are you looking to take out Mon Mothma and her goons, or are you here to waste my time?"

Rak wasn't sure if it was a question or a demand.  The shorter man had come up to him as soon as he walked onto the deck of the Perser Summit.  His shocking white hair and ice blue eyes immediately caught Rak's attention.  He felt intimadated by the man who would become his trainer. 

Courtney closed in on Rak, bringing his face barely inches from the new cadet.

"Are you going to answer, or do I have to send you down to the Janitorial recruiter?"

"Sir, I am here to do my duty for the Empire, the one true justice in the Galaxy.  I am ready to destroy these terrorists who call themselves the New Republic."

"At ease.  You have been in the service somewhere else.  I can see it in your eye."

"Yes sir, I have been a field detective and a pilot for CorSec for sometime now, sir."

"Good, follow the R2 unit there to your quarters, and I will see you in the simulators at 0600."

Rak decided not to push his luck by asking too many questions.  He had forgotten to get the Training Officer's name.  This was going to be a long couple of months.
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Courtney's TIE picked up speed as he cleared the Interceptor class cruiser.  He set course for the outer rim of the Asteroids to the left of the planet that loomed in thier viewport.

"Allright Meat, follow me to these coordinates.  And stay on my left flank."

Courtney had called Rak Meat ever since Rak's first run in the Simulator.  He had been used to the dynamics of the long nose and wings of the X-wing, and ended up running his "TIE" right into a canyon less than a click from the hanger.

"Aye sir."  Rak picked up speed and as soon as he approached Courtney, Gamma 1 inverted and dove out of sight of Rak's viewport.

"Let's see you keep up with some basic moves, and destroy any canisters you see along the way."

Rak rolled his TIE to the left, inverting it on it's back and pulled back on the flight stick as hard as he could.  He followed the path he saw Courtney take, leading him right into the small asteroid field.  He leveled out after seeing Courtney's TIE headed straight for the bright orange globe of Tague.  Two canisters were directly to the right and left of Gamma 1.  As he dodged the asteroids, Rak painted the canister on the right first, still matching speed with Courtney.  He switched his lasers to quad fire, and fired one burst.  Two of his lasers hit the canister and it exploded.  The other two came very close to Gamma 1.

"Watch it Meat, that one was a little close.  Finish the job."

Rak wished he could wipe the sweat off his brow, but under the black helmet, he sucked it up, and concentrated on the task.  He switched the lasers to single fire, and approached the second canister.  As he hit the canister with his first shot, Courtney broke into a sharp turn to the right, out of the asteroid belt, and Rak followed, hitting one more canister in the middle of the turn.  Courtney stopped when he was facing directly opposite of the gas planet.  He brought his ship to a dead stop, and Rak pulled in left of him, and stopped as well. 

"Allright Meat, now that you understand the physics of the Interceptor, and how she moves, I think that we are almost finished here.  I only have one more task for you out here.  Any Questions?"

"What is the catch sir?  Nothing is this easy."  Rak felt his stomach sink even before Courtney explained.

"Very good pilot, I am glad you realize that.  Your tast is simple:  Paint me with a missle lock before I reach the cruiser."

Immediately his engines were fired up to full throttle, and Rak knew this would not be easy.  Rak brought his throttle up and switched on his missles, bringing Courtney up as his primary target, while keeping a lock on the Perser Summit to keep an eye on the distance left to the ship.  He had well over seven minutes to paint his target, but his target had years more experiance and trained some of the best pilots in the fleet.

Courtney rolled to the left in a barrel roll, causing Rak to overshoot him.  Rak cursed himself, that was the first trick he learned in the simulator.  He was now fully exposed.  Rak pushed down on the stick causing the cruiser far away in his viewport to climb out of his view.  He dropped his throttle to zero, as Courtney pulled up beside him. He knew it wouldn't work, but hoped Gamma 1 would at least slow down, buying Rak more time.

"Not good enough Meat, try again."

Gamma 1 shot off into space towards the cruiser once more, and Rak picked up speed as fast as possible.  He came in behind Gamma 1 just outside of missle range.  He inched in closer, as the cruiser grew in his viewport once more.  Finally, his target box came alive and he heard the beeping of the alert system warning him that his target was being aquired.  All of the sudden, Courtney slipped into another barrel roll, but this time Rak was looking for it, and followed his path, closing in on him, but not overshooting him again.  This was worse that being in front of Courtney, because he now had complete control, and a missle lock was all but impossible at this distance.  Courtney began evasive manuevers ducking in and out, left and right.  Rak followed, but could not keep him in front of him long enough to get a missle lock.  The Cruiser loomed larger now, and within seconds, Courtney would be within the ship's hanger.

Rak thought fast, pulling back on the stick and following through with a loop back into his same path.  All he could think of was the tractor beam.  If he was right, Courtney would begin docking procedure, and in turn, make himself vunerable.

The tracter beam reached out, and Rak saw the Interceptor lurch as it was grappled by the beam.  Rak switched on his missles.

"Well Meat, I guess I won this round.  Better luck...."

The solid tone of missle lock came across his COMM, and Rak smiled to himself.  This was a unique moment and he was either going to be reamed out or applauded. 

"Look's like your dead, Meat."  Rak savoured the comment, no matter what the outcome.

The comm was silent, and Rak decided to dock.  The tractor grabbed hold and placed the Interceptor in its Docking clamps.  The hatch on top of the fighter opened, and a hand reached in to help him up.  As he was pulled up, he realized that Courtney had already left his ship, and taken off his helmet.  Rak looked at his sweaty mess of white hair, and down to a smile on his face.  Rak was releived. 

"That took guts.  I should be mad as hell because you went beyond the guidelines of the mission, but I never specified when it was over.  I'll have to be more careful around you from now on.  Oh, and never call me Meat again, or I am going to Fail you without another thought.  Come on in, and let's celebrate your victory."

Rak let out a huge breath, and thought to himself that he would probably be wise to avoid that kind of manuever again.

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Rakler Volgrath
Loyal Recruit of the Vast Empire

Alright- good, I liked that. Some things I noticed:

You like to be very attentive to one part of you world. What I mean by that is you have little or no description of the space around your character and almost as massive a void in terms of emotional description or historical conflict. Allow me to indulge you

When I say describing the space around you, I mean it quite literally. Yes, you are in space, and theres basically black and a few dots of smoldering white we call "stars..." However, where did you start? In the hanger bay of course! How did you leave that hanger bay? What did it look like? Where there people in it? Do you know that a TIE interceptor is actually release off of a hook rather than simply ascending off of the ground and exiting the ship? Did you know that it returns to a ship, not by its own accord, but by the grip of a tractor beam which replaces it in the vice of those clippers once again?

Now- I agree that there isn't a lot of description in space, but you can talk about more than the sights- what about the sound, feeling and rush of flying a fighter? Does your character feel a little funky flying in space for the first time?

Beside the physical aspect of posting, I'd like to address the mental and psycological side as well. Here you are on your first trip outside of the Perser Summit in some time and you are flying an Imperial TIE interceptor! How would that feel? Seriously now- would not expect jubilation at being out there as well as the fear you might fail? Does this experience bring up any memories? This is where flashbacks are a powerful tool or at least foreshadowing to other revealing areas of your character. I noticed that you referred to the fact you'd flown an X-wing for CorSec a few times, which is along that same path I'm speaking about, but maybe we could bring that level up just a little more.

What about history? I made note of that because it is so dynamic in the interpretation of your character. When we talk about history, most specifically to CorSec for you I suppose, we talk about someone's soul- what made it be that way at least So, when you look at your bio, do you think that you would get the impression of your character from that post? Just a simple question that I'll allow you to answer for yourself.

So, I'd like you to edit this post to the best of your abilities- not a full-scale makeover or anything, but just try to make good with the things I mentioned. Once you and I are satisfied with your post, we'll move onto the atmospheric post- which you are actually supposed to do second anyways. This is because flying in atmosphere is naturally more difficult due to g's and drag and whatever type of atmospheric limitations are presented because it is in fact- atmosphere.

Can't wait to see how you can punch this up even more so- thanks for putting the effort in. Rock On.

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*Flash Was Here...*

CMDR/ESN Shazam/Nazgul 1-1/Phoenix Wing/mSSD Atrus/1VENF/VEN (=A=) (=*SA*=) (=*MA*=) (=*FOCE*=) [LoM] [LSM] [VC:S] [DSM]

Looks quality to me   Just keep chugging away at training and you'll be done in no time.
 
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~Cailis "Zharyn" Kaz~
FM/SCRW Zharyn/Aegis 3-3/Wing I/mSSD Atrus/1VEFLT/VEN/VE (=*A*=)
Aegis Ten- Flying under the command of a furry rodent man
Hail to Mountain Dew
Fire is my friend
Reader of Sun Tzu
A "Shazam Success Story"

Usually that's the main point of VENA training- get the posts
          a) longer
          b) better quality
          c) more numerous

(plus all that tactical, equipment and command stuff too)
 
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~Cailis "Zharyn" Kaz~
FM/SCRW Zharyn/Aegis 3-3/Wing I/mSSD Atrus/1VEF/VEN/VE (=*A*=)
Aegis Ten- Flying under the command of a furry rodent man
Hail to Mountain Dew
Fire is my friend
Reader of Sun Tzu
Navy: Accelerate your Life
A "Shazam Success Story"

He can pull off both quality and quantity, which is what I meant, and I was just referring to the person's VE career in general after FS
 
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~Cailis "Zharyn" Kaz~
FM/SCRW Zharyn/Aegis 3-3/Wing I/mSSD Atrus/1VEF/VEN/VE (=*A*=)
Aegis Ten- Flying under the command of a furry rodent man
Hail to Mountain Dew
Fire is my friend
Reader of Sun Tzu
Navy: Accelerate your Life
A "Shazam Success Story"

Excellent job, but on this next one- lets make it free of any gramattical or spelling errors- all you gotta really do is read through it once or twice- tops. 

Formatting: I liked how you tried to seperate it up, but if you are going to go into a flashback you can use italics.  In order to create that effect just put your text between <.i> and <./i>  (Without the periods of course.)  If you want to add bold or underline, just switch those letters with 'B' or 'U'.  It doesn't matter if they're capitalized or not- just be consistent.

***Seperating Post***

I prefer that you bold and three stars on each side if you are going to take us to somewhere way far away from the story at hand.  Like if you are going to talk about something going on with someone else during a battle, you can either say -meanwhile- or do the serpation bit I just did.  Also, you can use horizontal rule:

---

by just typing <.hr> without the period.  I prefer you don't do that though.  If you don't like the stars, you can always do brackets or three of something else:

[Brackets]

---Lines---

~Wavy Line Things...~


So, now I'm pretty much satisfied with that post, lets see your next one on atmospheric flight- can't wait buddy.  Rock On.

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*Flash Was Here...*

CMDR/LtC Shazam/Nazgul 1-1/Phoenix Wing/mSSD Atrus/1VENF/VEN (=A=) (=*SA*=) (=*MA*=) (=*FOCE*=) [LoM] [LSM] [VC:S] [DSM]

Commander of Nazgul Squadron, Phoenix Wing and Training