FLOL, I just finished the first one, it was great...oh sooo loooooooong
 
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SM/PFC Swomz/Dread Knight 2/Storm Platoon/1Company/1Battalion/Lorn IV/VEA
Private First Class Swomz
Dread Knights Squad Member
Former FS I:A and Venom 3FL Leader

/me resolves never to even sign a contract offered by Tycho... 
 
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Argon Viper
IW COL Argon Viper{ret}
"History is on the move, those who cannot keep up will watch from a distance, and those who get in our way will not watch at all" - Grand Admiral Thrawn
"In combat, second place is only the last to die."- Anonymous
"Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses" - Carl G Jung
"The only thing that will never change is that everything will change" - Argon Viper

Dear me, it looks like we’ve managed to add a few more hopeless individuals to this ship of fools. But even with escaping Varneck and making it back home, there are still many questions left unanswered. Where did our mysterious enemy come from? What do they want? What was Geist doing on Varneck? Where did he get a piano for his bar? What is Tycho hiding, and why? Why does Tina have to look so damn hot in a fluffy bunny suit? What’s with Argon and business suits anyway? What really went on on the observation deck between Geist, Daishi and Tina? How long can we keep our audience captivated with senseless madness, convoluted plots, and love polygons? VARNECK INHERITOR NERGAL dubbed in english Episode 9: Senseless madness, convoluted plots, and love polygons “So this is the explanation place,” Talon said as he strolled into the former ship’s cafeteria. The panda tending the bar looked up with a disapproving face and held up a sign. “I still prefer Uncle Yo-sim’s Bar and Grill,” it read. “Well, we can’t have everything,” Talon said, “can we Geist? How has being a panda been treating you?” The panda shrugged, then held up another sign. “I can’t complain too much, aside from a horrible craving for bamboo.” “I’d heard about your affliction,” Talon’s voice took on a somewhat conspiratorial tone, “and I was worried that it might negatively affect the deal we struck all those years ago.” A plot continuity fairy slipped into the bar, its wand of plot correction (a twenty pound sledge) ready to beat the characters back in line. Unfortunately it was murdered at the door by a passing ninja. Panda-Geist held up another sign. “Don’t worry,” it said, “I’m not backing out.” At one corner of the bar, a patron dropped his scotch glass. Both Geist and Talon turned to look in surprise. “Wasted scotch,” Talon said, a slight tremor of fear in his voice. Panda-Geist held up a sign. “A bad omen.” ***** Far away, on some unassuming island on some unassuming ocean on Eridani, a man wearing a t-shirt stained with tomato sauce and dusted with flour watched a falling star from the balcony of his home. The massive fiery object plunged through the stratosphere despite the best efforts of local imperial forces to stop it. The object had already passed through numerous lines of imperial defenders, its retarded wave compression field deflecting everything the star destroyers and other warships of the combined fifth fleet could throw at it. Barely ten minutes before impact, the defenders realized that there was no way to stop it. An alarm was flashed across the planet, warning of another disaster on the magnitude of Varneck. This disaster would not materialize, however. At the last possible second the craft triggered its powerful retro-thrusters, slowing its fall into a gentle landing. The shear energy of the retro-thrusters, however, blasted a crater three hundred meters across on the unassuming island where the object had come to rest, in the process dislodging a boulder who’s placement (not to mention the half dozen spirit wards carved into it) was anything but natural, and revealing a small crypt behind it. The man with the stained t-shirt smiled. In the small crypt, a pair of unholy pinpricks of evil light appeared as something opened its eyes. ***** And yet further away, in the Jedi academy of the moon of Yavin Four, Jedi Master Luke Skywalker was disturbed from his meditations. “What is it, master?” an apprentice asked in concern. “I sense a great disturbance in the force,” Skywalker said, “as though a great evil has been awakened. I fear something terrible is about to happen.” ***** “Why aren’t you on the bridge?” Merrick’s holographic image asked Daishi as he brushed his teeth. The Nergal’s new co-helmswoman (wondering where she came from? Wouldn’t you like to know!) certainly seemed to spend a great deal of time at being bossy rather than manning a helm. Daishi had a feeling that she was mostly just a VEEC watchdog rather than a simple crewer. “The Admiral is expecting all of the senior staff to be on the bridge,” she continued, “and that includes the pilots. Your presence is required.” Daishi waved his hand dismissively. “No thanks, I’ll pass. Stan and I never really got along very well anyway. It’s not like I’ll be missed.” The holographic image smiled. “One might almost think you were trying to avoid the captain rather than Admiral Sanders.” Daishi spat the toothbrush out of his mouth in surprise. “What?” “Oh,” Merrick replied coyly, “nothing.” Her holographic image vanished. Daishi growled to himself. That bossy brat had only been on the Nergal for three days and already she was harping on him. Between Tina and Aku he already had enough problems. He didn’t need this sort of crap. Daishi growled. “All right, fine!” he grouched at nobody in particular as he grabbed his uniform jacket. ***** “The Nergal’s destination for this mission is the Planet Eridani,” Admiral Stan Sanders, their new liason officer, was saying as Daishi stepped onto the bridge. “Though until now the Invaders have been concentrating most of their attacks against Erebria, they have recently mounted a raid against Eridani, sending a single gateship through the defenses. Unfortunately, the defenders of Eridani currently lack the firepower to fight the invaders, and they could not stop the ship from landing on the Island of Okonomiyaki in the Ukyo Sea. It has been decided to detach the Nergal temporarily from the defense of Erebria to investigate and destroy this gateship.” Daishi stepped into the circle of officers, and Aku slipped her hand into his and gave it a gentle squeeze. Of course, Tina saw this, and looked away sadly, the hurt obvious in her eyes. Daishi suddenly felt very self-conscious, and slipped his hand out of Aku’s, trying his best to not see the hurt look that now appeared in her eyes. ***** “The old flame looks to be sputtering,” Generec Enn Pee See Three pointed out to One as they watched what passed between Daishi and his two biggest headaches. “And things don’t seem to be going too well with the new relationship either,” Two pointed out, “which means…” “This could be your big chance, One!” the two declared in unison. Generec Enn Pee See One turned bright red at the implication. “Will you three knock it off?” Stan ordered. “This is a warship, not a high school.” “Idiots,” Ruri said from her post. “Hmm,” Merrick said almost to herself as she studied a report on the Island Okonomiyaki. “White sandy beaches, clear skys, good weather, this sounds all too appealing…” ***** The meeting broke up soon after without further incident, and the Nergal jumped to lightspeed. The trip would take some time, however, so the crew had time for their own activities. Tina soon found herself something to do in the ship’s galley. “Yessiree!” she said to herself as she kept working on a culinary… masterpiece? “Everyone knows that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and if that tramp Aku is going to play dirty well I’m just going to have to fight fire with fire…” “I wondered why she wanted to use the kitchen,” the Deathwookiee said as he tossed back some boilermakers at the bar. It was his break, and now that the Nergal had made it back to civilization, Geist had been able to procure some decent booze. “Don’t drink too much,” Geist said to the Deathwookiee as he played chess with Talon. “You know what happens when you get drunk.” Talon looked up from the chessboard for a moment. “I can imagine, a psychotic force sensitive wookiee drunk is liable to be dangerous.” “It’s not that,” Geist said. “He’s not a violent drunk.” “Then what’s the big deal?” Talon wanted to know. “You ever had every intricacy of eugenics explained to you by a drunk wookiee that uses blood for hair gel?” Geist asked. “No.” Geist nodded to the Deathwookiee. “If he drinks much more, you will.” Talon just decided to shake his head and accept it. Some things were better left unexplained, and a disturbing number of them seemed to be related to this crew. In the meantime, Tina seemed to have lost her focus on her cooking, instead lost in a fantasy of gourmet meals prepared lovingly for her beloved, the two of them being serenaded by trained ninja, and Daishi acting a whole lot more suave than he would ever actually want to. She didn’t notice until it was too late what was happening to her cooking. “OH MY GOSH! IT’S ON FIRE!” She shouted as the column of thick, black smoke pouring from the pan brought her back to reality. She scrambled frantically about as she tried to save something from the disaster. The Deathwookiee chuckled to himself. “Daishi sure is screwed,” he said “Checkmate,” Talon said, pointing at the board. ***** “I made this for you, Phelan,” the woman on the screen said to her co-star as she handed him a belt buckle made up in the shape of a hound’s head. “I know it isn’t exactly the Kell Hound crest, but I wanted the eyes to match yours.” Daishi watched Immortal Warrior with a sense of contentment. Though he would never admit it publicly, these tender romantic scenes always gave him a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. “Rooobeeert” he suddenly heard Tina’s voice call sweetly from the other side of his cabin door. “Of course,” Daishi complained to himself, “just when it was getting good, too.” He got up and opened the door. Tina waited on the other side with a cheerful smile on her face that immediately put Daishi on his guard. The covered tray she carried didn’t help either. “I was just having some lunch,” Tina said innocently, “and I was wondering if you would like to join me.” Daishi knew he was most likely being set up, but he really couldn’t think of a good way to try to back out. He shrugged and invited Tina in. “Oh,” Tina said as she walked into the room, “are you watching Immortal Warrior again?” Daishi nodded and the two sat down. “So what’s the story on this one?” Tina asked. She sounded genuinely interested. “Well,” Daishi began, “this is episode two hundred and ninety seven, the Head of the Beast.” He pointed to the female character currently on the screen. “That’s Tyra Miraborg. She’s sort of a love interest for Phelan, even though her father despises him because he’s a mercenary.” Tina seemed to be listening with complete attention, so Daishi plunged on. “It turns out that Tyra is practically a perfect girl. She’s loyal and devoted, great at cooking…” Tina interrupted, and in that instant Daishi knew he had just blundered into her trap. “So you like girls who are good cooks?” she asked, then raised up the covered tray she held. “Well in that case…” She slowly lifted the lid off the tray. Unknown to Daishi she was praying all the while that he would at least appreciate the thought that went into the meal, even if it hadn’t quite turned out the way she had hoped. Daishi was immediately worried when he could not identify the matter on the plate. It sort of sat there like a gray lump, but he wasn’t sure if he could determine whether it was animal, vegetable, or mineral without a laboratory and a few really good chemists. Tina looked on with an expectant smile on her face, and Daishi knew there was no way he could get out of this. He scooped a spoonful out of the lump and shrugged. This couldn’t be any worse than some of the food he’d survived on in his army days, right? He plopped the spoonful into his mouth. The taste was indescribable, and not in a good way. Daishi’s yelp of torment echoed through the Nergal and Aku burst through the door, carrying a glass of strange purple fluid. “Oh my gosh, Robert!” she cried, the concern evident (if vaguely feigned) on her face. Daishi reached his hand out weakly. “Water…” he pleaded. “Here,” Aku said, giving him the glass, “drink this special stamina drink I made for you.” Daishi shotgunned the fluid in one go, and for a moment it banished the effects of the gray lump. Of course a second later the fluid’s own effects hit him like a runaway star destroyer. Another yelp of torment echoed through the ship. “What did you put in that thing?” Tina demanded of Aku as Daishi lay twitching on the deck between them. “Well…” Aku began to list her ingredients, at some point sounding more like she was explaining chemical warfare than stamina drinks. Daishi began to regain motor control and staggered to his feet with a look of pure anger on his face. “GET OUT!” His yell caused the ship itself to noticeably vibrate. Both girls fled from Daishi’s cabin in genuine fear of their lives. ***** Meanwhile, back at the bar, Stormie didn’t look like she was doing so hot. She was slumped up against the bar, her face green. Narm lay on the floor only semiconscious, being looked over by medics. The Deathwookiee and Talon were also at the bar, generally indifferent to their shipmates’ plight. Crewmen in hazardous material suits were meanwhile carrying away the pan Tina had used for incineration. “What happened here?” Argon asked as he walked in to see the mess and get a drink. Geist mixed Argon a Coruscantii Fuzz Buster (a drink he learned to mix back during his Imperial Army days). “These two brave or foolish souls tried some of our fearless leader’s cooking.” Argon accepted the drink and turned to Stormie. “How was it?” he asked. The ship’s occasionally helmswoman turned to grin a weak but still mischievous grin at Argon. “A bit better than your cooking,” she managed over waves of nausea. “Now just what is that supposed to mean!” Argon demanded. Neither noticed Geist and Talon trading a glance, an evil grin, and a nod. At the other end of the bar, an Asian woman who had been observing the exchange turned to shoot a disapproving look at a man in a Hawaiian shirt and black hat at the corner table. The man in the black hat looked up from his computer long enough to give the woman a good “its not my fault” look. The Asian woman shook her head and decided to just leave before things got worse, while the man in the black hat returned to his typing. The Deathwookiee, still on break and a bit drunk, turned to Talon. “Have I ever told you about the advantages of a well regulated selective breeding program?” ***** Daishi found himself running for his life through the corridors of the Nergal. “Please, Robert!” Tina pleaded with him as he fled. She carried another covered tray in her hands. “Please try my cooking again! I promise it’s good this time! I tested it myself!” “No!” Aku demanded, trying to push Tina aside, “try my cooking!” The soup pot she carried actually didn’t smell all that bad, but Daishi wasn’t willing to take any chances. The three ran past the Generec En Pee Sees. Two and Three chuckled to themselves at Daishi’s plight, while One took on a look of calculation, as though planning out an assault. “So that’s the game, is it?” she said to herself. “Well I’ve got my angle!” She ran off on her own mission, leaving the other two pilots blinking in confusion. ***** The Nergal dropped out of lightspeed at a minimum safe distance from Eridani. After first identifying themselves to the local defenders, the ship pulled in to a geosynchronous orbit over Okonomiyaki Island, and the landing party got ready do disembark. It didn’t seem to please Admiral Sanders that the vast majority of them had obviously come prepared to enjoy a day at the beach. “Don’t you people realize that we are on a mission of vital importance to the Empire?” he cried. Most of the crew ignored him. “You’re going to the beach as a girl?” Aniston asked Stormie, who wore a pretty stunning two piece bathing suit. “Now how exactly am I supposed to swim in the ocean and stay a guy?” Stormie replied cheerfully. “It’s simpler this way.” Argon gave Stormie a good wolf whistle. Taunting the helms(various) about her curse had become something of a favored pastime for him. Surprisingly enough, this time around Stormie didn’t hit him with the first heavy thing she could find, though she certainly seemed irritated. “Before you go out there, Ruri,” Aku said to the young computer officer, “you should use this special sun block the lab made up for you.” She held out a tube of the stuff, but Ruri shook her head. “That is very nice of you,” she said, “but I still have plenty of sun block from my last trip to the beach.” Aku shrugged, surprised to learn that this twelve year old with almost milk white skin had ever been outside in her life. After this open display of insolence, Admiral Sanders was getting pretty annoyed, but he doubted he could get the captain to do anything about it. She too had remembered to bring her bathing suit. About the only one of the landing party that actually looked like they were here to do a job was Merrick, but Stan took little comfort in the VEEC watchdog’s willingness to keep her mind on her task. In the end he just shrugged a hopeless shrug. Once the entire landing party had arrived, the pilots boarded their hatavs and the rest boarded the shuttle. Then they were off to Okonomiyaki. ***** On the island, the man in the stained t-shirt prepared for their arrival. Donning a woman’s beach hat and a bracelet with a large red jewel embedded in it, he disappeared into the woods surrounding his house. ***** The five hatavs landed first and secured the landing zone. Once they had determined that there were no hostiles waiting for them, the shuttle landed next. For a moment Stan almost thought they were acting professionally. That thought went away quickly enough, though. “Take the beach men!” Narm cried as the landing party stormed ashore with a mighty cheer, carrying surfboards, beach umbrellas, and parts for a volleyball net and a food stand. The pilots likewise abandoned their hatavs to join the rush. “Hold it!” Merrick suddenly shouted, standing out in her uniform with almost everyone else wearing civies. The crowd came to a halt. “Need I remind you all that you are still employees of the VEEC? That means any time you spend on the beach will be deducted from your pay.” She held out some forms. “Now I went to the trouble to have these flyers printed up to explain corporate policies regarding how to have fun on the beach…” The landing party decided to ignore her, and continued on. “Oh,” Merrick complained, “they could have at least read them!” She grabbed the front of her uniform, and in one deft pull ripped it off, revealing the swimsuit she wore underneath. She ran off to join the party. ***** Stormie was on her way to go for a swim, but Geist stopped her. “Come with me, boy,” was all he said. A few meters away, Talon was collecting Argon as well. “Can’t this wait, old man?” Stormie asked. This was the first time she (and for that matter the rest of the crew) had had anything even resembling shore leave since this whole mess began. She wasn’t willing to give it up without a fight. “No, it can’t,” Geist said evenly. Stormie scowled. “You mind telling me what this is about?” “In due time, boy.” Geist’s repeated use of the word boy was getting on Stormie’s nerves. “Now hold on for a second old man. It’s not like you can just order me around. You don’t rank me, you never have.” Geist shrugged as though that was irrelevant. “Come along, boy.” He turned and started walking inland. Stormie didn’t really know why she was doing it, but she followed. ***** “And what trip to the beach would be complete without the traditional toxic hot dogs, melted snow cones, and soggy nachos!” Mr. Aniston stood behind the now erected food stand ready to serve customers. “I am proud to continue that fine tradition!” “I’ll have some nachos,” Narm said as he took a seat. “One plate of nachos coming up!” Aniston plunged into his food preparation with extreme gusto, and soon placed a steaming plate of nachos before Narm, who dug right in. “Damn that’s nasty,” Narm said after the first bite. “That’s the tradition, kid,” Aniston said. ***** “So do we get to know what this is all about?” Stormie asked as the four of them walked deeper into the forest. Geist stopped and gave Stormie a solemn look. “You know boy, you have always been like a son to me,” he said. Stormie was taken aback by that statement. “Um…” she began to stammer, “thanks, I guess.” Considering the first thing Geist had done when he had met Stormie was to play a vicious prank on him, she had trouble trying to believe that. “But what does this have to do with anything?” “Geist is going to ask you to take a great burden upon yourself,” Talon said, then turned to Argon, “and I must ask you to take up a similar burden.” “I think you guys had better start explaining yourselves,” Stormie said. Something about these two apparently being in cahoots set off every warning bell in her head. Geist and Talon exchanged a glance, and each nodded in agreement. “Very well,” Geist said. “Years ago, Talon and I embarked on a training journey together to learn the secrets of an ancient and powerful art,” he began. “This was the Kuonji school of anything goes jedi arts. Over the course of months of careful training at the feet of our…ma…ma…master,” the fear was briefly evident in Geist’s voice as he stuttered through the word master, “we learned marvelous new abilities, and we both agreed that we would work to maintain and perpetuate the school, so that the anything goes form could survive. To this end we agreed that when we both became too old to continue the school on our own, we would pass what we had learned on to two heirs, who together could ensure the continued existence of the anything goes form for another generation.” Talon nodded solemnly, “We have decided that you two will be our heirs.” “What?” Argon uttered in surprise. “That’s it? All this solemn talk and cryptic behavior and all you want is to teach us some jedi tricks?” “Don’t you have a son or something, Geist?” Stormie inquired. “Why not just make him your heir.” Geist shook his head. “Because you have a qualification that my son lacks.” “And just what is that?” Geist didn’t answer. “Why do you need two heirs anyway?” Argon wanted to know. “Because the two of you can better assure the continuation of the art than just one of you,” Talon said. Argon was confused, but he tried to puzzle out what that was supposed to mean. “Because between us we can train more students?” he asked. “Something like that,” Geist said. Stormie growled in irritation. “This is nuts. Anything goes jedi arts, a secret pact from years ago, sounds like another one of your pranks old man.” She shook her head. “And don’t give me that whole training years ago thing, you two haven’t even known each other that long.” Geist gave Stormie a displeased look. “The fairy is dead, boy,” he said, “it isn’t coming back.” Stormie blinked twice at that response, and fell silent for a moment. “It’s not like you could teach me anything new anyway,” she eventually managed. Geist smiled and tossed his chosen heir a small cylinder. It took Stormie as second to realize that it was a lightsaber. ***** “Hmmm…” Ruri said to herself. She sat under a beach umbrella typing away at her laptop. “This is unexpected.” Tycho looked up from the chess game he was playing against Narm, “What is?” “I mostly expected this island to be owned by a major corporation,” Ruri said, “specifically one that makes shield generators. It appears however that this is not the case.” “Where would you get a silly idea like that?” Merrick asked. She had been walking by carrying a plate of nachos when she heard Ruri talking. Ruri gave the co-helmswoman an indefinable look. “Just think of it as the whimsical notions of a twelve year old.” She looked back to her computer. “According to the planetary database, the owner of this island, or at least a fair portion of it, is some sort of cook. I admit that I am pleasantly surprised by this information.” “Why is that?” Merrick asked. “It’s not important,” Ruri said, then looked up at Merrick. “If you were going to offer Mr. Lee some of your food, I would suggest that you don’t bother.” Merrick was briefly startled by that remark. How did this little girl know she was going to do that? There were a great many questions about Daishi that she needed answers for, and a friendly chat over some lunch had seemed to be the best way to get at least some of those answers. “You seem awfully perceptive for such a little kid,” she said. Ruri shrugged. “Yes, I figured someone would say that eventually.” Something about Ruri’s tone creeped Merrick out seriously, and she decided the best thing to do was to stop talking to her. She briefly considered going over to Daishi for that friendly chat over lunch despite Ruri’s statement, but something told her that the computer officer was correct, and that it would be a wasted effort. Instead, she found a good piece of beach to sit, eat her nachos, and watch the volleyball game the En Pee Sees and a random crewman were playing. The first bite of the nachos confirmed Ruri’s precognition. “God these suck,” Merrick said. ***** Stormie was shaking with fear after just having her life, and a hypervelocity round, flash before her eyes. Geist lowered his slugthrower, the barrel still smoking. “I think there’s an awful lot I can teach you,” he said. When the old man had drawn his weapon, Stormie had assumed that she was in for some simple blaster bolt deflection, real remedial stuff. She hadn’t hesitated to ignite the lightsaber Geist had tossed her, ready to bounce away bolts till doomsday just to prove to the guy how pointless this was. It was Argon that recognized the sound suppressed slugthrower for what it was and shouted a warning, but it had been too late to do anything. The 2-millimeter round had zipped by Stormie’s head at five times the speed of sound. “Wha…wha… what were you trying to do?” Stormie finally managed to say. “Were you trying to kill me?” “Not so simple when the shot is moving too fast to track, is it?” Geist asked. “Anyone with enough practice can block a blaster bolt. That’s small potatoes.” “What’s so jedi about a fragging gun?” Argon demanded. Talon looked on with disapproval. “You must move beyond your perceptions of what a jedi is supposed to be if you intend to properly learn the Kuonji arts. By definition the anything goes school is purely free form. Anything goes, and you must be prepared for anything.” Stormie brought the lightsaber up again. “Okay, old man,” she said with a new sense of determination, “if that’s how this is supposed to work, let’s try this again.” ***** It was strange, Daishi mused as he too walked through the forest, even somewhere as peaceful and relaxing as a beach he couldn’t seem to find any rest. He had caught sight of Tina searching for him on one side of the beach, and for a moment that didn’t really seem like a problem. He could handle spending time with Tina as long as she wasn’t trying to feed him or telling him how much he loved her. Of course then he spotted Aku moving in from the other side and he decided it was time to beat a retreat. He wasn’t interested in getting caught up in the middle of some kind of no holds barred jealous force user cat fight. The cover of the tree line beckoned him, and he seized his opportunity to make his escape. He had gone pretty deep into the forest at this point, and something about the place didn’t seem right. He almost felt like he was being stalked, and he could have sworn he had heard the telltale crack of a hypersonic slug piercing the sound barrier in the distance. These two things reminded him that an enemy gateship was supposed to be on this island somewhere, and beach party or not, there was a good chance that the enemy had troops to guard it. Daishi once again bemoaned the loss of his Varneck Marine Combat Armor. After he had been reported missing and presumed dead when Varneck had fallen, almost all of his possessions had been stuffed into storage by the VE and promptly lost. This meant that he had to do without the weapons and equipment he used to depend on. All he had on him right now was a combat knife and a blaster pistol. Daishi drew the weapon when he heard a twig snap. He spun around and was nearly run over by someone in a sauce stained t-shirt and a woman’s beach hat. The hat fell off the person’s head and drifted to the ground. It was then that Daishi realized it was a man. “Umm,” he began to say, “excuse me…” The guy looked up to see who he had run into, and his eyes suddenly lit up with delight. He threw his arms around Daishi. “Oh I’ve found you at last!” he cried. “My prince charming!” Daishi wasn’t really up on his twentieth century fairy tales, so he wasn’t exactly sure what a prince charming was. This didn’t make him like the way the guy was embracing him any though. “Umm… Could you please not do that?” Daishi asked as he sort of eased out of the man’s embrace. “Who are you?” “My name is Ray,” the man said, “Ray Baker.” “Are you alone on this island?” Daishi asked. Ray nodded. “All alone, no family or anything.” Daishi holstered his weapon. This guy seemed harmless enough. “Well, you be careful,” he said. “There’s a good chance that hostile aliens have landed on this island.” The man seemed to be crushed when Daishi turned to head back to the beach, but that really wasn’t Daishi’s problem. In the distance, Daishi suddenly heard Tina call out his name, reminding him just what his problem was. “Damn, they’re still on my tail,” he said, frustrated. The guy seemed to perk up at Daishi’s words and suddenly grabbed his hand. “Come on,” he said. “I’ll take you somewhere where you can hide.” Daishi tried to protest, but the man did not let go, and instead began leading him away deeper into the woods. ***** Geist switched over his slugthrower to his left hand. This seemed a bit odd to Stormie, because Geist was supposed to be right handed. The old former soldier brought the weapon up… …and Stormie chose that moment to strike, going for the gun. She ducked under the first shot, then swung her lightsaber with the intent of neatly bisecting Geist’s slugthrower. And it would have worked too if her saber blade had not been intercepted by another saber. Stormie looked up in surprise to see a lightsaber gripped firmly in Geist’s right hand. She was at a loss to explain where it came from. She never even saw him draw it. The surprise of this turn of events briefly made her forget the gun in Geist’s left hand, which just happened to be aimed at her chest. By the time she remembered, it was too late. Geist pulled the trigger, discharging the weapon at point blank range. “STORMIE!” Argon cried as the helmswoman fell to the ground. He reached for his own lightsaber, enraged that his one time comrade would so coldly murder one of his own, but Talon rested a hand on his shoulder to restrain him. “Relax, Argon,” he said, nodding towards the body of the fallen helmswoman. The whipid turned to look, and was surprised to see Stormie staggering back to her feet, clutching the spot on her chest where she had been hit. “Water capsule,” Talon explained. “It hurts a lot when you get hit, but it’s basically harmless.” He gave Argon a wry smile. “You didn’t really think that Geist would actually kill Stormie, did you?” Argon shrugged sheepishly and put away his lightsaber. “Not bad,” Geist said to Stormie. “You knew enough to go for the gun, but your reaction time is too slow.” ‘THAT HURT YOU JERK!” Stormie complained. “WHY NOT TRY FIGHTING ME WITHOUT YOUR BLASTED TOY?” Geist shrugged and tossed the gun to Argon. He brought his lightsaber up to an en-gard position. “Whenever you’re ready, boy,” he said. Stormie launched into her attacks, and Argon could immediately tell that she was in trouble. She was unsteady on her feet and slow to react. “Are you sure those capsules are harmless?” he asked Talon, who  chuckled softly and shook his head. “What you are seeing is the Kuonji arts Daze of the Three Martini Lunch technique,” he explained. “Geist is using the force to cloud Stormie’s perceptions, slow her reaction time, and upset her equilibrium. It can be very disorienting to those who aren’t accustomed to fighting while falling down drunk.” “Isn’t that kind of a cheat?” Argon asked, then held up a hand to forestall Talon’s response. “Yeah, yeah, I know, anything goes jedi arts.” He looked down at the gun he held in his hands and got an evil idea. “Well, when in Coruscant…” He raised the gun and drew a bead on Geist’s rear. He smiled evilly as he pulled the trigger. Only to hear the click of an empty chamber. “Aw man!” he complained. “He only had three shots in this thing?” “Kuonji school of anything goes jedi arts sacred dictum number one,” Talon quoted, “never give a person a loaded gun if you think he might just shoot you in the ass with it.” Argon shook his head and tossed aside the now useless gun. “just how many dictums and techniques are there to this school?” “A great many,” Talon said. “For now we can probably skip most of the ones that have to do with cooking.” “Cooking?” Talon nodded. “Jedi Master Kuonji had a certain passion for cooking…” “Largely a myth, Master Kuonji was,” a new voice declared from behind them. Argon saw Talon suddenly freeze, his face stark white with terror. Argon turned to see who had spoken, and was greeted with the sight of a small creature that, aside from the t-shirt he wore with the caption “I am a great disturbance in the force” stenciled on it, looked greatly like Yoda. The small creature took a pull from his pipe before continuing. “Much hype surrounded the career and exploits of Master Kuonji,” he said. “Much hype indeed. Perpetrated it was by many followers who had no grasp of hopeless romanticism. Ignored, the actions of others were, though created they many of the techniques that Kuonji was known for.” The creature turned his attention to Talon. “Stand there not like a pillar, Talon my boy,” he said. Talon began to slowly turn around and then, much to Argon’s shock, dropped to his knees in supplication. “Oh master Happa!” he wailed, “It does my heart well to know that you are alive! After that unfortunate accident with the proton bombs I had feared the worst…” “Butter me up with frail adoration you will not,” Happa declared. “Finished me off when you had the chance, you should have. Fear not, revenge I am not here to seek.” “So just who are you?” Argon asked. Meanwhile Stormie finally lost her last tenuous hold on stability in her fight against Geist and fell over. “Master of the Kuonji School of Anything Goes Jedi Arts, I am,” Happa said. Geist caught sight of Happa and likewise dropped to his knees in supplication. “Trained these two, I did.” “You’re their teacher?” Argon uttered in surprise. “Taught them I did,” Happa said. “Everything I know did I impart to this ungrateful pair. How did they repay me? A trap they laid, while I was drunk did they subdue me and tie me. Lock me in a box with a proton bomb they did. Then left me for dead in a crypt.” Happa tossed a glance at Geist and Talon, who both tearfully apologized and pathetically pled for forgiveness. “Never know, will I, how they got the nerve to do it,” he added. “You two are about the most pathetic life forms I have ever seen,” Argon said as he looked at Talon and Geist. With Geist too busy groveling, the daze of the three martini lunch technique was no longer affecting Stormie. She got back to her feet. “Just what’s going on here?” she asked. “HOOCHA!” Happa suddenly shouted as he launched himself at Stormie. He latched onto her chest like a tattoo, nuzzling her ample goods with pure glee. Stormie was paralyzed with surprise and revulsion, but only for a minute. “YOU LITTLE PERVERT!” she shouted as she plucked Happa off her chest and punted him. The master of the anything goes school flew out of the woods and out of sight. Both Geist and Talon got back to their feet. “I had hoped,” Geist said, “that if the proton bomb hadn’t done him in, spending ten years stuck in a crypt without food or water would have finished him off.” Talon nodded. “Of all the times we needed a Death Star…” Argon frowned. “I think you both have a whole lot of explaining to do,” he said. ***** Tina was worried. Actually she was on the brink of bursting into tears. She realized now that she had been wrong to try to force her cooking on Robert like that, and she was afraid that she had now driven him away. She knew that he had seen her looking for him, and he had run from her. All she wanted to do was apologize for her behavior before, but now she feared she would never get that chance. He had disappeared into the woods, and though Tina had followed as best as she could, she had lost his trail. This thought nearly sent her over the edge into full scale bawling, but the sound of someone else calling Robert’s name stopped her. She turned and was confronted by Aku. Their eyes met. ***** High above them, in near orbit, a sensor officer aboard the Imperial Star Destroyer Endor Retribution looked on in fear. “We have a massive energy spike on planet,” he reported. “It’s centered on Okonomiyaki Island.” “Is it the enemy gateship?” the captain of the Endor Retribution asked. “No sir,” the sensor officer reported, “this is not consistent with the readings of an active gateship. It’s something else, something powerful.” ***** The air swirled and vibrated around the two women, filled with haunting music and crackling with raw power. Each stood as still as stone, their eyes locked in each other’s gaze, a look of contempt on their faces. ***** Every force user for ten lightyears was simultaneously struck with a feeling of impending dread, the feeling that an incredible power was being harnessed for an unspeakable act. All of them knew that something terrible was about to happen. ***** The wind had increased its ferocity, dark clouds had begun to gather high overhead. The music had also greatly gained in tempo. What had once been fine tendrils of electricity crackling through the air became massive ropes of power that ripped through the trees and ground. Suddenly, a simple beach hat, picked up by the wind, passed through their line of vision. The sight of it was enough to break their concentration. Tina caught it as it fluttered back towards the ground, as the wind, lightning, and music vanished quicker than it had materialized. “That’s a woman’s beach hat!” Aku declared. “A woman!” Tina exclaimed. Her senses alive with the power she had built up but not discharged, she instinctively knew which way she should go to find Daishi. She immediately ran off in that direction, Aku following right behind her as though nothing had happened. ***** Geist and Talon had been right in the middle of their explanation when they had been hit by the echo from Tina and Aku’s almost duel. All they knew was that someone was calling on massive amounts of power, they didn’t know who, and of course they chose the most likely candidate. “The master is up to something terrible,” Talon said with barely controlled terror. Stormie stood their, her face white with fear. “You mean that dirty old creep has that kind of power?” she asked. Though nearly on the edge of panic, Geist still managed a disapproving look. “What part of greatest evil in all of the galaxy did you not understand, boy?” He nodded in the direction of the interior. “Let’s head further inland.” The others agreed, unwilling to stay in the same place and wait for Master Happa to turn up again. ***** The rest of the landing party just happened to lack force powers, so they remained blissfully unaware about what had nearly happened. “All right now,” Merrick announced, “it’s time to go looking for the gateship.” “Hey,” Generec En Pee See One said, “has anybody seen Daishi?” Narm looked around. “Come to think of it, Tina and Aku are missing too!” “Well if they’re all off together, then there’s nothing to worry about,” Generec En Pee See Two said, “unless it’s very continental…” “Well let’s not wait for them,” Merrick said. She turned to the En Pee Sees. “You three and Talon will just have too handle the piloting assignments without Daishi.” She looked around a couple times. “Where is Talon anyway?” “He, Geist, Stormie, and Argon all went off into the woods together a while ago,” Generec Three said. “Hmmm…” Tycho mused. “Geist, Talon, Argon, Daishi, Tina, Aku, and Stormie all off in the woods together. I fear I may have been left out of something very interesting…” Narm gave Tycho a weird look. “Was that really necessary?” Tycho shrugged. “I’m sure there’s a contract violation in here somewhere…” ***** Daishi didn’t really realize how hungry he was until Ray offered him some pizza. “Wow!” he said as he wolfed down slice after slice, “this stuff is great!” Ray had quite a place, a villa on a hill overlooking the forest. Mostly though, Daishi was concerned with the food. He hadn’t eaten all day. “I’m glad you like it,” Ray said. His tone suddenly began to change dramatically, “Robert.” Daishi dropped his slice of pizza in surprise. “Wha…?” he stuttered. “How did you know my name?” Ray sighed. “Of course you don’t remember me,” he said. “I should have expected this. It has been over forty years since we last saw each other.” Bitterness crept into his voice. “When you left me at the altar!” Daishi was dumbstruck. “Wha…how…who…” was all he could manage. Ray laughed grimly. “Don’t play games with me! Did you really think I’d ever forget the deal our fathers struck? I was to marry you!” “But we’re both guys!” Daishi protested. “Don’t think you’re getting out of this on a technicality!” Ray said. “Your father took my dowry, my father’s pizza store. He accepted the deal!” Daishi did vaguely remember something about his father owning a pizza shop, but… “My dad sold that place decades ago!” “That’s right!” Ray declared. “He took my dowry and left me behind! He ruined me and every chance I ever had for happiness!” His voice took on the tone of someone who was about to enter a somber monologue. “Without my father’s store, I was forced to work endless hours at a pizza parlor run by a cruel and unthinking master. For years I toiled in virtual slavery, slowly saving what I could and knowing that some day I would have revenge on you and your father! I feared I was loosing my mind as the decades passed…” Looks like the fears were justified, Daishi thought to himself. “…but then I realized that my quarrel was not with you, it was with your father.” Ray seemed to calm down some. “I could never hate you, Robert,” he said in a tone that gave Daishi a brief feeling of fear. “Robert!” Two new voices called out suddenly. Ray turned to see two women heading towards the villa. “Time to end this chapter,” he said to himself as he pressed the large jewel on his bracelet. ***** “Well, there it is,” En Pee See Two said as her hatav buzzed the grounded gateship. “Fine,” One said, “lets blow it up and get back to the beach.” “Wait,” Two said as she came around for a second pass, “there’s something else down there…” “Who cares,” Three chimed in, “lets just blow everything up.” “What is it, Two?” One asked. “It looks like a transmitter…” Suddenly the gateship’s top end snapped open. “Oh crap!” One said, “it’s active!” From the pool of impossibilities visible within the gateship, something massive emerged. A massive bipedal war machine, easily twice the size of a hatav, emerged onto the island, pushing through the forest as it headed inland. “That thing is huge!” One declared as she moved her hatav in to fight it. “What a time for our other two pilots to be missing!” ***** “Just who is that person, Robert?” Tina demanded as she and Aku stepped onto the patio. Daishi remained seated at the table, strangely enough he felt sort of paralyzed. “Why,” Ray said coyly, “I’m Robert’s fiancé.” “WHAT!” both Tina and Aku shouted in unison. “That’s right!” Ray declared triumphantly. “By law and by tradition, Robert and I have been promised to each other. We will be together for better or worse, richer or poorer,” there was a sound of weapons fire as the invader war machine started firing at the hatavs, “till death do us part.” The ground began to tremble as the invader war machine approached the villa. “Get away from him, Robert!” Tina shouted. “Can’t you see he’s crazy?” “I can’t move!” Daishi announced, doing his best to get away, and accomplishing little more than wiggling his chair some. “Don’t worry, dear,” Ray said, “that’s just the paralyzing powder I put in your pizza.” “How can you do something like this?” Aku demanded of Ray. The deranged pizza man chuckled madly. “I’ve already lost him once!” he declared. “After decades of toil under that cruel master I knew that if I could survive long enough to die with my dearest, I would die happy! That’s why the gods sent me that ship! This is my one chance for true, final happiness!” A stray missile shot rocked the villa. The war machine now loomed over the people bickering on the patio and lined up its main gun “NO WAY YOU SLUG!” an amplified voice echoed across the countryside. “HE’S MINE!” Generec One’s hatav slammed into the war machine with enough force to tip it over and send it crashing to the ground. She then turned her attention to what was going on in the villa and drew a bead on Ray. “Just who is this guy?” There was little time for explanations. The invader unit began to get back to its feet. “One!” Daishi yelled, “Behind you!” One growled and drew her hatav’s vibroblade, ramming it into that which passed for a head on the invader, following up with a spinning kick of her hatav’s leg which defied all laws of man and nature, imparting enough force to toss the invader war machine a good hundred meters and leave it twitching, sparking, and smoking on the ground. Tina seemed satisfied by One’s work, and turned her attention back to Ray. “Now, lets figure out what to do with you…” “YIPEE!” a new and distinctly Grover like voice called out. “Two lovely young ladies in nice tight revealing swimsuits!” A little greenish blur shot through the sky. “Died and gone to heaven I have!” Tina didn’t know how to react to the small groping, nuzzling creature that had just landed on her chest. She knew, however, that she didn’t like it. ***** “Oh my god!” the sensor officer aboard the Endor Retribution suddenly shouted. “Another energy spike, even more powerful than before!” ***** Daishi didn’t know exactly what was going on, but with Tina now hovering several meters off the ground, surrounded by a nimbus of energy and a swirling vortex of wind, and with sheets of lighting coming down from all angles, he knew he didn’t want to be here. ***** The four students of the anything goes school of jedi arts felt the shear power of Tina’s revulsion. Even more to the point they could see the light being cast by Tina as she rose higher into the air and glowed even brighter. For that moment, each of them wondered if they were seeing the end of the world. ***** Tina hadn’t intended to go this far. She had already built up so much power preparing to fight Aku, power she hadn’t used, power that sought a release. Then this little… thing… had jumped out at her. She could feel the rampant perversion in the creature’s soul. In a sudden sense of clarity, she realized that it fed off of its own depravity. Its drive, its reason for living, was solely the pursuit of pretty ladies to grope, underwear to steal, and debauchery to commit. It didn’t matter if the creature was powerful, perhaps one of the most powerful force users to ever exist, that changed nothing about its basic nature. The shear revulsion was enough to send her over the edge. ***** “Dear Lord,” some nameless crewman aboard the Endor Retribution uttered. Sensors were no longer necessary. Cleary visible on the surface of the planet was something approaching a new star. Then, in an instant, it vanished. “I’m reading a massive electromagnetic pulse,” the sensor officer reported solemnly. “What about the island?” the captain asked. “Nothing,” the sensor officer said simply. “What do you mean nothing?” “I mean nothing, sir,” the officer said. “I mean the island is gone. It’s been completely atomized. There is nothing left down there.” ***** That, of course, wasn’t entirely accurate. After the seas settled down from a blast that had completely wiped Okonomiyaki Island off the map (and tilted Eridani on its axis about half a degree), one thing, one lifeform, remained behind. Master Happa floated face up, mildly singed, but with a smile on his face. “A real firebrand, she was,” he said. “Do this again some time, we must.” ***** Geist awoke first to find himself on the observation deck of the Nergal. Looking around him he saw Daishi and Tina were there with him. At first he wondered if the events of the past day had all been a dream, then he realized that he still wore the hawaiian shirt and shorts he had worn down to Okonomiyaki. Tina and Daishi likewise wore the clothing they had been wearing on the island, and though Geist personally tended to fall asleep in whatever cloths he happened to be wearing during the day, he had a feeling that swimwear was not Tina’s normal choice for sleeping in. He switched on his comm and contacted Ruri. If he didn’t have the answers, Ruri usually did. The young computer officer’s holographic image appeared before him. She wore the blue and white swimsuit she had been wearing on the beach, which tended to confirm Geist’s theory that it wasn’t a dream. “Yes, Mr. Geist?” Ruri asked. “May I ask if the captain and Mr. Lee are with you?” Geist nodded. “They’re here. What about the rest of the crew?” “The entire landing party seems to be aboard,” Ruri reported.  “It appears that somehow we managed to escape the cataclysm that befell the island. Do you have an explanation for this?” Geist shook his head. “Just this once, no I don’t. What happened to the island?” “It appears to have been vaporized.” Geist was briefly stunned that the island (which was fairly big as islands go) had been completely destroyed, but then he thought of Master Happa. If he was on the  Nergal, Geist was certain Ruri would have mentioned it. That meant that he had been left on the island when it atomized. At that thought, Geist almost wanted to dance a jig. “So I guess we got the job done,” Geist said finally. “I suppose you could look at it that way,” Ruri agreed. ***** After a couple of hours to sort themselves out, things got back to normal for the crew of the Nergal. “You ate that floozy’s cooking, didn’t you?” Tina said as she held out a steaming pot of food to Daishi. All her bad feelings about forcing her food upon her dearest had been banished with the revelation that Daishi had eaten the food of an almost total stranger. She and Aku had him trapped in the ship’s bar and eatery. “Please,” Daishi pleaded, “I just want to live!” “Hey…” a new voice said nervously, Generec En Pee See One stepped forward self consciously, bearing a rice dish complete with a tasteful little flag. “I…umm… just thought I’d try my hand at cooking too…” That was too much for Daishi. With skill born only of desperation, he found one hole to bolt through, then took off out of the room, all three women following him. At the bar, a number of the crew’s male members watched the chase. “This world is filled with many strange and terrible things,” Geist said. Narm sighed. He didn’t think he’d ever end up with three cute girls chasing him. “They say one man’s torment is another man’s joy,” Talon said, briefly stopping on his way to see someone. “At least we can savor his suffering.” Narm shook his head. “Well I still envy him.” ***** “You know, I was sort of surprised to see you aboard the Nergal,” Talon said later to Merrick as he entered her room. “Will I be in your way?” “Of course,” Merrick said with a smile as she studied the data on her computer screen. “So what do we have here?” Talon asked. “These are readings taken by the Star Destroyer Endor Retribution of the after effects of that blast that destroyed Okonomiyaki.” She moved over slightly so that Talon could see the screen. Ground Zero was clearly marked on the image, however there were two other points also marked, labeled “anomalous readings”. “What are these?” Talon asked. “Radiation points for ripion particles,” Merrick replied simply. “Ripions?” Talon voiced his surprise. “Those aren’t byproducts of this sort of an event.” He studied the two anomalies carefully. One was in the middle of the forest, while the other was almost on top of ground zero. Actually about two meters away. Too far to be a result of the blast, but close enough to be... “How interesting.” “Oh yes,” Merrick said with a slight laugh. “Very.” To Be Continued… Be there for our next episode! This one will have it all! Snappy uniforms, epic military drama, a rousing song, and yes, more Immortal Warrior! Next Episode: Attack of the Nazi Children!
 
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"Some day we'll all look back on this and cringe."
~Uncle Yo-sim, All Knowing Bartender

Once I get to a cooperative computer another episode of Varneck Inheritor Nergal will be posted so stay tuned folks.
 
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RA(U) Daishi COSOS
"If we had all knowladge then why would we seek what we already know and if we had no knowladge then how could we even ask the question?"  Plato
"Indeceant exposure is fun." Sonatina
"There are at least three sides to any situation." Me