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Topic:  Anival Velasquez (Vehicle crewman)
Anival Velasquez
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Anival Velasquez
 
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
 
Post Number:  63
Total Posts:  1075
Joined:  Oct 2007
Status:  Offline
  Anival Velasquez (Vehicle crewman)
August 21, 2008 5:06:53 PM    View the profile of Anival Velasquez 
OOC:
Name:  Anival Velasquez
Specialty:  Vehicle Crewman
Vehicle operator
“Basic, controls and functions”



Stepping out of the shower Anival glanced at the Clock. He had plenty of time, grabbing a shirt, pants, and imperial boxer shorts, Anival got  dressed for the day. Wondering what should be done first his wristcom chirped. It read 06:35 REPORT TO TRAININGFIELD 113-9. It all came back to him, today was the day Anival would begin training as a vehicle crewman.

Anival stood up, and headed out the door. The training field wasn’t far away from the barracks, taking out his data pad, Anival imagined what his new instructor would be like. Anival expected a bearded macho with a temperament problem. Nearly bumping into a fellow trooper, Anival regained his focus.
Anival arrived with a couple seconds to spare. He took a seat. The class waited for their instructor.

After nearly an hour of waiting Anival stood up and was about to leave when a short, geeky man arrived. Anival sat back down. The man walked in front of the bleachers they were sitting on and spoke.

“Welcome all to my class.” the voice wasn’t what Anival expected from a gangly individual, instead it was loud booming and full of iron. “Nobody has ever failed, I try to stress the importance of piloting a vehicle on a correct fashion, as such I always ask, who here doesn’t want to pilot a vehicle?”

Nobody stood.

“Ok, then let me rephrase, if any of you morons, don’t have the passion to pilot a vehicle in the army, or the gull to  drive into intense battle fire with the chances of you coming out alive nearly non-existent, get the hell out of here and look for a course where you can play sabbac and paint your fingernails!”

Two troopers left, both of them male. Anival chuckled.

“Okay then, we eliminated the two that would hold back the rest of you. All of you that’s sit there will pass, or die trying.”

Anival wasn’t sure if he was kidding or not.

“Okay then, I am sure that most of you are aware of the basic types of vehicles used by the VEA, am I right?”

He continued not waiting for a reply. “Which is why we are going to start with the most basic of controls and vehicle. The AT-ST”

Three droids wheeling carts with some sort of devices on them came strolling in.

“With these” he said motioning the devices being wheeled in by the droids “you will get the feel for the controls and maybe, after you have mastered them I’ll let you try your hand at the real deal.”

For the next couple of days they studied and practiced on the mock controls, and simulating the experience in the sim-room.  Then finally came the day they would try their luck at the real deal.

“Corporal Velasquez” came the booming voice nearly causing Anival to wreck his simulated walker.

Anival stood “Yes, sir?!”

“Head to the walker please”

Anival made his way to the walker, behind him he heard people talking and whispering, two of the other troopers had already passed.

“Get in” ordered the instructor.

Anival got in and turned on the walker.

“Head towards that marked spot over there, and be careful there are obstacles.” said the instructor cheerily.

Anival eased the yolk a bit, and touched several buttons on the panel next to him, and the walker lurched to life.  The first meters went relatively uneventful. Then a series of  “simulated” troopers popped out, Anival nearly fired on them. Shortly after that came enemy troops, Anival fired the blaster cannons.

The practice went on in the same fashion for a while, then came a simulation Anival didn’t recognize, then he asserted that the simulations were civilians, Anival twisted the yolk and fired the concussion grenades into the “crowd”.

By the time Anival reached the marked area, he was tense.

“Well, you can go now, and if you get a notice you pass.”

Anival saluted, and walked away, reviewing the short span he had gone with the walker trying to recall any mistakes.
Private First Class, Anival 
Vini Vi Viti
Cogito Ergo Sum
TRP/PFCAnivalVelasquez/1SQD/1PLT/1COM/1RGT/1BAT/Tadath/VEA

~WildcardPlatoo n ~
IronHorseSquad


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[This message has been edited by Anival Velasquez (edited September 27, 2008 3:26:22 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Anival Velasquez (edited September 27, 2008 3:27:25 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Anival Velasquez (edited October 9, 2008 3:14:53 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Anival Velasquez (edited October 9, 2008 3:15:54 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Anival Velasquez (edited October 9, 2008 3:16:30 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Anival Velasquez (edited October 18, 2008 8:15:35 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Anival Velasquez (edited November 10, 2008 8:16:42 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Anival Velasquez (edited November 10, 2008 8:17:21 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Anival Velasquez (edited January 16, 2009 3:53:26 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Anival Velasquez (edited April 21, 2009 12:45:25 AM)]
[This message has been edited by Anival Velasquez (edited September 10, 2009 2:59:41 PM)]
Kanderin Draken
ComNet Veteran
 
Kanderin Draken
 
[VE-ARMY] First Sergeant
[VE-VEEC] Journalist
 
Post Number:  1297
Total Posts:  1849
Joined:  Mar 2006
Status:  Offline
  RE: Anival Velasquez (Vehicle crewman)
January 20, 2009 3:43:10 PM    View the profile of Kanderin Draken 
Hmm, let's start with the main problem here. You wrote this story as a preliminary to the real teaching and exam, when really this should be the real thing. The story needs substance which directly links to the topic it is related to, in this case the controls. You are expected to research the ideas of how to command such a vehicle (Our wiki, or wookieepedia) and focus the story on your character learning these things. Unfortunately you fail to do this to the level required.

For that reason, I'm sorry to say that this attempt has failed.

Let's however now go a little more into detail about my other issues. First of all, your sentence structure requires some work. Your paragraphs occasionally look more like lists than strong blocks of writing, each sentence starting with the same word and portraying the action as a comic strip (Ie. He did this, then he did this, then he did this). It would be good if you could put more work into forming the sentences, using a wider array of words with which to vary your writing.

OOC:
Example -
You wrote -
He saw the lecture hall where he was supposed to be and ran through the door. When he entered he slipped and fell, he expected the class to burst out in laughter. Instead he saw empty seats all around him. He looked everywhere, then saw a paper stuck on the door. He walked up to it and looked at it.

I would write -
Anival ran through the academy's hallways, spinning sharply at the corner and crashing through the doors at the far end. As he did so his foot snagged the arch and sent him tumbling forward, flailing towards the feet of his grinning classmates. Getting to his feet, he shook off his clothes and glanced around the room. There was a small piece of paper pinned to the door he had just entered, and he wandered over to inspect it.


I can explain this more on the IRC, and if you want you could look to Angels Writing Academy for more help. You need to concentrate on using a larger array of words, not relying on 'he' constantly.
=================Army===================
Sergeant First Class Kanderin Draken
Wraith Squad Leader
~ W i l d c a r d P l a t o o n ~
Wraith Squad Motto: When staring in the face of death we see our reflection
PA-SL/SFC Kanderin/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE [LoS] [IH][GRP]
=============Special Operations================
~Phantom~
Phantom Lead Xephilus Sekine/Alpha Squad/Alpha Team - 1/VE
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Anival Velasquez
ComNet Cadet
 
Anival Velasquez
 
[VE-ARMY] Corporal
 
Post Number:  237
Total Posts:  1075
Joined:  Oct 2007
Status:  Offline
  RE: Anival Velasquez (Vehicle crewman)
April 21, 2009 12:46:20 AM    View the profile of Anival Velasquez 
ok edited it.
Corporal Anival 
Vine Vidi vici
Cogito Ergo Sum
TRP/CPLAnivalVelasquez/1SQD/1PLT/1COM/1RGT/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/[AS-H]/[AS-1]/[EW:2C]

~WildcardPlatoo n ~

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