Communications Network
Vast Empire  -  New Posts  -  Search  -  Statistics  -  Login 
 
ComNet > Stormtrooper Corps > Archived Army Main ComNet > Arz's Bio
 
 
 
Author
Topic:  Arz's Bio
Arz
ComNet n00b
 
[VE-ARMY] Private
 
Post Number:  2
Total Posts:  5
Joined:  Nov 2006
Status:  Offline
  Arz's Bio
November 16, 2006 4:06:46 PM    View the profile of Arz 
Native Language: Basic
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Hazel
Skin Color: White (with a slight tan)
Height: 5' 11"
Weight: 124 lbs
Age: 19
Full Name: Arz Kaiser
Physical Build: Fit. Slightly Muscular
Homeworld: Tatooine

Skills: Good at CQC(Close Quarters Combat.) Very good with a Sniper Rifle.

History:
Arz was walking in the desert with his friend Kage, his mom had told him never to go in the desert. He wanted to see what was so bad out there. They walked for hours until they saw a cave. Arz thought to himself what could be in there, it could be a pack of wild animals or maybe nothing. They decided to rest here. Kage walked in wondering around like it was his house or something.
 
Kage decided to walk a little further in the cave to see if theres anything in this cave, Arz told him to stay here. He didn't like this cave very much. There were prints in the sand from where something 2-footed walked by. Arz warned him "My older brother said that there are big scary creatures inside these caves." Kage thought nothing of it and decided to go on.

Kage kept walking further even though Arz told him not to. He turned a corner and there was a terrifying sight. He saw something covered with rags and other cloths. It was standing on 2 feet just like a human, it had a long spear like object in his hand.  Kage ran as fast as he could, he made it to the front but it was too late.
 
As Arz saw a piercing spear go into his friends back. Many others were running out from behind the one who killed his friend. He screamed help as he ran out of the cave. He ran and ran he saw something coming his way, It was a white armored man. He was on some kind of animal. Arz didnt know who or what it was but was glad to see it
 
Whoever he was he jumped right off of this animal and pulled out a blaster and shot all of the creatures. He grabbed Arz and holded him in one of his arms as he rode the animal. "Are you okay?" asked the armored man. Arz didn't feel like answering the question, his mind was stuck on seeing that spear pierce into his friends back. After about an hour of riding they made it to a city. The armored man took him to a man behind a desk. The man said " Hello...aww I see you've found another one."
 
The man behind the desk asked Arz questions. The armored man waved and walked out. Arz asked "Who was he?". The man answered "He was a stormtrooper." Arz didn't know what this was he had never heard of a stormtrooper before. Another man walked up to the desk and said "I heard he got another one...Is this him?". "Yeah the man said behind the desk he was attacked by the sand people." The man that had walked up said " Alright come with me." Arz followed and didn't ask any questions, He was scared off him he was very tall and muscular.
 
They walked outside, Arz began to think of running off. They walked further into the city. They began to turn into a alley. This was Arz's chance to escape, Arz knew the man was probally taking him to go work. Arz started running again as fast as he could. The man didn't notice that he was gone until seconds after he had ran.
 
Arz grew up in a city he didn't know. He didn't know what city he used to live in so he couldn't go back. Arz got a job working for a cantina when he was about 14, Before that he had just stole food to eat. He didn't like this life but he knew one day he would find his mother.
 
Arz wanted to save people like that trooper did so he joined the Stormtrooper Corp. He swore he would save anyone in danger by Tusken Raiders or anyone else.
[This message has been edited by Arz (edited November 16, 2006 4:08:50 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Arz (edited November 17, 2006 5:50:16 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Arz (edited November 20, 2006 10:27:40 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Arz (edited November 25, 2006 10:59:16 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Arz (edited November 25, 2006 11:04:37 PM)]
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
 
Cosmic
 
[VE-ARMY] Major General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
 
Post Number:  5051
Total Posts:  7772
Joined:  Sep 2000
Status:  Offline
  RE: Arz's Bio
November 16, 2006 11:54:57 PM    View the profile of Cosmic 
Hi Arz.

Couple things:

1) This is your Character Biography, meaning this is your first real establishment for your character. Make this good, because this background story will forever be the past of your character's life. I'm expecting a minimum of 2-3 full paragraphs from all Character Biographies. If you wish to go beyond three paragraphs, then by all means do so.

2) I suggest doing a little research on the StarWars database website on Tusken Raiders. Possibly even the StarWars wiki. Tusken Raiders are a very "shy" people, so to speak. They keep to themselves and don't go on "scavenger hunts" to take children away from villages. For one thing, they have no use for children. They'd rather salvage parts from wreckage they find in the desert or from the local sand people.

Try again.
 
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------
Arz
ComNet n00b
 
[VE-ARMY] Private
 
Post Number:  3
Total Posts:  5
Joined:  Nov 2006
Status:  Offline
  RE: Arz's Bio
November 17, 2006 5:51:00 PM    View the profile of Arz 
Ehh.....I know it still is a little iffy i might work on it while i'm here.
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
 
Cosmic
 
[VE-ARMY] Major General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
 
Post Number:  5055
Total Posts:  7772
Joined:  Sep 2000
Status:  Offline
  RE: Arz's Bio
November 17, 2006 6:09:28 PM    View the profile of Cosmic 
Yeah, work on it.

I read it twice, and still didn't understand what was going on. Also, streamline your sentences to make them flow, and I'm expecting a minimun of 2-3 full paragraphs.

By making your sentences smoother, I mean don't write like this: I saw a dog. The dog was black. The dog barked. The dog stopped barking.

It's very annoying, and doesn't bring out any creativity or any good dialogue at all. Also, watch your grammar. There's very few cases in which the word "but" starts after a period. Actually, there are no cases, but some writers do that to end thoughts and make points in a sentence or dialogue between characters.

Proofread your works, and try again. Make your points clear, because the story was very vague. The only thing I got out of it was two people going into a cave, one dying, and then some Stormtrooper was shooting at something... could've been the rocks for all I know - you didn't specify.

Rewrite with my critiques.
 
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------
Arz
ComNet n00b
 
[VE-ARMY] Private
 
Post Number:  4
Total Posts:  5
Joined:  Nov 2006
Status:  Offline
  RE: Arz's Bio
November 20, 2006 10:28:22 PM    View the profile of Arz 
Any better?
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
 
Cosmic
 
[VE-ARMY] Major General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
 
Post Number:  5082
Total Posts:  7772
Joined:  Sep 2000
Status:  Offline
  RE: Arz's Bio
November 24, 2006 7:34:27 PM    View the profile of Cosmic 
Read the first few lines and stopped. Your sentences are still: There was a dog. He was big. The dog was black. It barked. He began walking. He sniffed a pole.

It's very difficult to read writing like that, so make it smoother. Use commas and link your sentences and ideas together instead of having them so choppy.

So, two things:

1) Use commas in appropriate locations and smooth out the sentences.

2) Use paragraphs instead of indentions. It makes it easier to read on ComNet.
 
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------
Arz
ComNet n00b
 
[VE-ARMY] Private
 
Post Number:  5
Total Posts:  5
Joined:  Nov 2006
Status:  Offline
  RE: Arz's Bio
November 25, 2006 10:59:40 PM    View the profile of Arz 
Fixed. I hope this is better
[This message has been edited by Arz (edited November 25, 2006 11:02:49 PM)]
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
 
Cosmic
 
[VE-ARMY] Major General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
 
Post Number:  5090
Total Posts:  7772
Joined:  Sep 2000
Status:  Offline
  RE: Arz's Bio
November 25, 2006 11:32:17 PM    View the profile of Cosmic 
You started doing better in the beginning paragraphs, but you just added one-to-two commas. The rest of your sentences are still choppy.

Read my biography thoroughly and see how I structure my sentences. Keep your biograpy in MS Word (or wherever you're writing it in) and make amendments there and keep saving it. Compare your sentences with mine and take a look at the difference in structure and formation.

It's an improvement, but pretty much 90% of your paragraphs are: There is the dog. It is black. The dog barked. Etc

Give it another shot. Read my biography first.
 
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/MG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------
ComNet > Stormtrooper Corps > Archived Army Main ComNet > Arz's Bio  |  New Posts    
 

All times are CST. The time now is 12:01:08 AM
Comnet Jump:

Current Online Members - 0  |  Guests - 243  |  Bots - 2
 
< Contact Us - The Vast Empire >
 
Powered by ComNet Version 7.2
Copyright © 1998-2025 The Imperial Network
 
This page was generated in 0.927 seconds.