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Topic:  darkknight56101 bio
darkknight56101
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darkknight56101
 
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  darkknight56101 bio
March 19, 2006 10:25:18 PM    View the profile of darkknight56101 
Name:darkknight56101  ( Arwen Tavers)
Native language: basic
Hairs color: white
Eye color: black
skin: pale skinned
Height: 6'4
weight: 200 lbs.
Age: 25
Physical build:
System/star: Brentaal/brenta
city: cormand
Major export: trade good's and financial services
Major import: trade good's and food stuffs:
skills:




Story:
     Darkknight56101 was born Arwen Tavers. He is A Son of Corran Tavers and Lomina Miskin Tavers. He has a twin brother Dack Tavers. Corran Tavers was a master trader  and owner of Tavers transports. The Tavers family has several permits to conduct business on Brentaal. Tavers transport is a multi generational family business. Tavers transport is located in the cormand trade hall suite 108.  Tavers transports space port is a beautiful complex with six hangers, two repair bays, two warehouses, a control tower, electronics array, two imperial garrisons, a megabar, four flop houses. Tavers transport connects to an imperial conference center which is ran by Corran's bother, castin Tavers, general in charge of the imperial troopers on Brentaal. this Brought in a nice size flow of money.

     Corran Taver fell in love with Lomina Miskin while working at the space port. Laminas' father had a lot of business go through Tavers space port. Corran had seen her from a far. one day Corran took a chance.  He went up to her and asked her out. They had seen each other for some time. After several years they had decided to get married. Almost immediately they had given birth to twins Arwen & Dack. The two boys seemed  to grow quickly. They both had developed skills in business, engineering, and military. Both of the boy where strongest in the military skills with help from their uncle castin.

    Corran and castin had become more involved in the empire's day two day business. They're where many military personal going in and out. Even lord vader himself. With his more involvement in the military their mother grow more angry, and distance. she would go on mystery us trips, and messages. People in the community began to suspect her as a rebel loyalist. They where right in they're thinking that she was.
   
     One day Corran had sent the boys on a trip to get more supplies for the expansion of the space port. Corran went to check on some of his shipping containers. It was quite and seemed deserted. As he approached the guard gate hid did not recognize the guards.

Corran: Are You new here?
Guard: Yes sir. You are clear to go.
Corran: Thank you have a nice day.
     It must have been a slow day cause the cargo lift was not running. He continued walking not thinking about it. ,He rounded the corner to head toward his stacks and saw his wife talking to several men.
Corran: Hello dear what is you doing here.
    The men raised their guns. His wife said what I should have done when the twins were born. She raised her hand and shot him in the chest, and in the head. After she shot him, she had tears in her eye. She turned away and slowly walked .just as she got to there ship she had left a note.
    Dear boys, this was inevitable, the death of your father and the rest of the workers here was needed. If I had known that he would get this absorbed in the empire I would never give him the time of day. The empire must not go on. Goodbye.  I love you both.
    The boys arrived back at the space port many troopers were there. Their uncle castin walked up to the boys slowly, With tears in his eyes.  The boys read the note and began to cry. Dack turned and walked back to his room, Arwen turns to the troopers and asked what is being done to catch her. Sorry at this time we have no word on her whereabouts. Arwen grows more and more angry. He ran to his room and grabbed a few of his close and his key card to the family hanger and to the safe. He then went to the safe and took out, one hundred million credits. The walked to the hanger and instructed the crew to get his Corellian Corvette ready with food and weapons, my uncle will give me what I need. , Yes sir. He turned toward his storage locker and grabbed his battle armor given to him bye his uncle.  He boarded hid ship and went to his quarters. There he sat on his bed. Soon he had received word from the crew that they where ready for take off.
Arwen: proceed to take off.
Pilot: Yes sir
    so the ship had left the port and soon was out of site.
Arwen: can all com channels for any word or clue of my mothers whereabouts.
Communications officer: yes sir start right away.
            They went from system to system looking for his mother with no luck. The more he looked the angrier  he got.

                                                                to be cont.....
                                                              work in progress
[This message has been edited by darkknight56101 (edited March 19, 2006 10:30:22 PM)]
Kanderin Draken
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  RE: darkknight56101 bio
March 20, 2006 10:55:21 AM    View the profile of Kanderin Draken 
Not sure im allowed to comment yet, but here you go-
I know its a work in progress, but im still gonna make a few comments. First of all, what language is basic? I think you mean the language of your home country, but you forgot to mention that.
Also, i know i sound harsh, but your writing skills are'nt the best ive seen. You seem to forget how to use speech marks during the second half, and to be honest, the constant stream of
'(name) did this'
"(name) did that'
gets pretty dull quickly.
I apologise if i upset you with these comments, but im tyring to give you some pointers so that your finished bio will be good.
(forgot to mention that the story is a little hard to follow)
Fury
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  RE: darkknight56101 bio
March 20, 2006 5:22:10 PM    View the profile of Fury 
Basic is the default language of Star Wars, namely English.  It is a valid option for probably the majority of our characters.

I will have to agree a bit with the constructive criticism though. You have provided much detail, but the structure does make it a slightly difficult read.  All things considered, I don't mind the detail as I've read plenty of decently flowing bios with atrocious attention to detail, not to mention continuity.

Even so, not a bad start. Just don't take the comments personally, learn from them a tad, but keep doing your own thing. 
 
-----------------------
PRF/SM Fury/VEA/TADATH/VE [MoH][SCPx2][PoC][SotE:HC][SotE:VEA][MSM][IOC]
Prefect - Stormtrooper Corps
Administrator - Imperial Center
darkknight56101
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  RE: darkknight56101 bio
March 20, 2006 9:26:40 PM    View the profile of darkknight56101 
thaks i wil worl on it
 
-----------------------
STAR WARS BATTLE FRONT II
GAME STATS
CAREER STATS  AS OF 1-6-05   
PLAYER POINTS: 4541 RANK CAPTAIN
KILLS: 2456  DEATHS: 400  KILL/DEATH RATIO: 6.14 POINTS PER LIFE:11
CAREER MEDALS
GUNSLINGER: 2 GREEN  REGULATER: 5 VETRAN GURDIAN: 23 VETERAN
FRENZY: 5 VETERAN MARKSMAN: 5 VETERAN ENDURANCE: 114 LEGENDARY
WAR HERO: 7 VERTRAN
darkknight56101
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darkknight56101
 
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  RE: darkknight56101 bio few changes
March 20, 2006 9:47:33 PM    View the profile of darkknight56101 
Name:darkknight56101  ( Arwen Tavers)
Native language: English
Hairs color: white
Eye color: black
skin: pale skinned
Height: 6'4
weight: 200 lbs.
Age: 25
Physical build:
System/star: Brentaal/brenta
city: cormand
Major export: trade good's and financial services
Major import: trade good's and food stuffs:
skills:




Story:
     Darkknight56101 was born Arwen Tavers. He is A Son of Corran Tavers and Lomina Miskin Tavers. He has a twin brother Dack Tavers. Corran Tavers was a master trader  and owner of Tavers transports. The Tavers family has several permits to conduct business on Brentaal. Tavers transport is a multi generational family business. Tavers transport is located in the cormand trade hall suite 108.  Tavers transports space port is a beautiful complex with six hangers, two repair bays, two warehouses, a control tower, electronics array, two imperial garrisons, a megabar, four flop houses. Tavers transport connects to an imperial conference center which is ran by Corran's bother, castin Tavers, general in charge of the imperial troopers on Brentaal. This Brought in a nice size flow of money.

     Corran Taver fell in love with Lomina Miskin while working at the space port. Laminas' father had a lot of business go through Tavers space port. Corran had seen her from a far. one day Corran took a chance.  He went up to her and asked her out. They had seen each other for some time. After several years they had decided to get married. Almost immediately they had given birth to twins Arwen & Dack. The two boys seemed  to grow quickly. They both had developed skills in business, engineering, and military. Both of the boy where strongest in the military skills with help from their uncles' castin.

    Corran and castin had become more involved in the empire's day two day business. They're where many military personal going in and out. Even lord vader himself. With his more involvement in the military their mothers grow more angry, and distance. She would go on mystery us trips, and messages. People in the community began to suspect her as a rebel loyalist. They where right in they're thinking that she was.
   
     One day Corran had sent the boys on a trip to get more supplies for the expansion of the space port. Corran went to check on some of his shipping containers. It was quite and seemed deserted. As he approached the guard gate hid did not recognize the guards.
Are You new here? Yes sir. You are clear to go. Thank you have a nice day. It must have been a slow day cause the cargo lift was not running. He continued walking not thinking about it. ,He rounded the corner to head toward his stacks and saw his wife talking to several men.  Corran: Hello dear what is you doing here. The men raised their guns. His wife said what I should have done when the twins were born. She raised her hand and shot him in the chest, and in the head. After she shot him, she had tears in her eye. She turned away and slowly walked.just as she got to there ship she had left a note.
   
    Dear boys, this was inevitable, the death of your father and the rest of the workers here was needed. If I had known that he would get this absorbed in the empire I would never give him the time of day. The empire must not go on. Goodbye.  I love you both.
    The boys arrived back at the space port many troopers were there. Their uncle castin walked up to the boys slowly, With tears in his eyes.  The boys read the note and began to cry. Dack turned and walked back to his room, Arwen turns to the troopers and asked what is being done to catch her. Sorry at this time we have no word on her whereabouts. Arwen grows more and more angry. He ran to his room and grabbed a few of his close and his key card to the family hanger and to the safe. He then went to the safe and took out, one hundred million credits. The walked to the hanger and instructed the crew to get his Corellian Corvette ready with food and weapons, my uncle will give me what I need. , Yes sir. He turned toward his storage locker and grabbed his battle armor given to him bye his uncle.  He boarded  his ship and went to his quarters. There he sat on his bed. Soon he had received  word from the crew that they  where ready for take off. proceed to take off.  Yes sir so the ship had left the port and soon was out of site. Scan  all com. channels for any word or clue of my mothers where abouts. Yes sir we will start right away.
            They went from system to system looking for his mother with no luck. The more he looked the angrier  he got.
Angel
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  RE: darkknight56101 bio
March 21, 2006 4:19:11 PM    View the profile of Angel 
I'm a bit confused...are you loyal to the Empire or what? It's the part about your mother saying about how "the empire must not go on" (too lazy to take a direct quote).
 
-----------------------
Iron Horse Squad
[LoR] [RoM] [BC] [CDS] [WM] [GRoM] [IH] {BoA}
------------------------
Sith Guardian
CM/SG Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Eagle 1-1/Sith/Dark Jedi Order/Vast Empire [VP:1]

------------------------
darkknight56101
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  RE: darkknight56101 bio
March 22, 2006 12:42:29 AM    View the profile of darkknight56101 
the empire must not go on. is apart of the note. his mother left behind when she shoot his dad. she is a rebel .
Kanderin Draken
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  RE: darkknight56101 bio
March 22, 2006 2:15:01 PM    View the profile of Kanderin Draken 
Just a correction on your tense use -
when she SHOT his dad
And are you actually even a cadet or what? You just leave it on you looking for your mother, you dont exactly say what your going to do
Angel
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  RE: darkknight56101 bio
March 22, 2006 3:22:09 PM    View the profile of Angel 
if you're going to take the time to correct other people's grammar, at least try to proof your own.

"dont exactly say what your going to do"'

should be:

"don't exactly say what you're going to do."
 
-----------------------
Iron Horse Squad
[LoR] [RoM] [BC] [CDS] [WM] [GRoM] [IH] {BoA}
------------------------
Sith Guardian
CM/SG Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Eagle 1-1/Sith/Dark Jedi Order/Vast Empire [VP:1]

------------------------
darkknight56101
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  RE: darkknight56101 bio
March 22, 2006 5:05:56 PM    View the profile of darkknight56101 
ok
 
-----------------------
STAR WARS BATTLE FRONT II
GAME STATS
CAREER STATS AS OF 1-6-05
PLAYER POINTS: 4541 RANK CAPTAIN
KILLS: 2456 DEATHS: 400 KILL/DEATH RATIO: 6.14 POINTS PER LIFE:11
CAREER MEDALS
GUNSLINGER: 2 GREEN REGULATER: 5 VETRAN GURDIAN: 23 VETERAN
FRENZY: 5 VETERAN MARKSMAN: 5 VETERAN ENDURANCE: 114 LEGENDARY
WAR HERO: 7 VERTRAN
Kanderin Draken
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  RE: darkknight56101 bio
March 23, 2006 11:05:57 AM    View the profile of Kanderin Draken 
Yeah sorry about that, I was tired and hungry, i only picked up on Knight's grammar, and forgot to check my own
darkknight56101
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darkknight56101
 
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  RE: darkknight56101 bio
March 23, 2006 10:30:42 PM    View the profile of darkknight56101 
thats ok i not much of a writer. im more of a gamer. trying to better my self. still trying to correct alot about me i guess.
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