Yeah, alot of what is wrong comes from your information. It should something more like this:
Native language: Shyriiwook
Hair color: dark brown fur with 3 black stripes on my back
Eye color: black
Skin color: dark brown fur with 3 black stripes on my back
Height: 7' 3"
Weight: 300 lbs
Age:19
Physical build: muscular/scar on my back at a 30 degree angle
Home planet: Kashyyk
And like Jack said, try third person writing. As he said it is easier, and is the preferred style. Here is my bio so you can see the third person style:
Name: Marka
Race: Human
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Eye Color: Dark Brown
Skin tone: White (meduim tan)
Height: 6'1
Weight: 89 kg
Age: 23
Physical Build: Athletic
Homeworld: Coruscant
Language: Basic
Marka tends to dress in lighter clothing, anything that doesnt hinder his mobility and agility. He prefers wearing robes, and usually dresses in blacks or greys. He has two tattoos, one under his left eye that says "LIFE" and one under his right eye that says "DEATH". He has a scar on his left arm from when he was younger that goes from his shoulder down to his elbow. His messy hair only just reaches his shoulders, and he has two braids that fall from each side of his head. He has slight, dark stubble.
Skills:
Extensive training with vibroblades etc.
Basic training in hand-to-hand combat
Moderate training in various blaster styles
Personality:
Marka is a relentless, efficient killer. He prefers the up close and personal combat with his blade, but will not hesitate to kill from a distance. His emotions rarely get the better of him and it isnt likely he will turn down a challenge. Despite all this, he is a wise man and is constantly on the lookout for abnormalities in his companions and his surroundings. Marka is a cold man and will occasionally kill for pleasure.
History of Marka:
The earliest memories Marka has are of fear. He was running through the streets of Coruscant at the age of fourteen. He had a large cut on his left arm, but he kept moving. He ran, but an arm flung out and grabbed his robes. The whiplash brought him to the ground and he was struck by sudden pain in his arm, neck and back. A voice from the darkness whispered calmly "Now that I have you, I will bring out a side in you that could bring you enormous power. Soon you will be like I am."
His next memories are of exhilleration. He had a vibroblade of a twisted black steel in his grasp, and a voice commanding him when to move, when to strike. He was being trained, and as he trained, his anger rose. He became exceptionally good with the blade and was on his way to completing his training. His last stage of training involved murdering an innocent. The farmer, his hands and feet bound, and a gag in his mouth had a look of horror on his face as Marka approached. Without hesitation he brought the blade to the farmers neck, and swiftly sliced it open. At that moment, oddly enough, Marka felt a great sense of fulfilment. A grin came across his face.
Soon Marka was out on missions for his mentor. His blade was drenched in the blood of so many, and he was proud of it. All of his missions were a success. At the age of nineteen Marka killed his mentor in cold blood and wandered the outer rim for a few years. He returned to Coruscant four years later. A day after his arrival, he received an anonymous challenge. He had a sneaking suspicion that there was something wrong about the situation, but he erased all doubt from his mind, as he was eager to test his skills once again. Although withing seconds of his appearance, he was overwhelmed by stormtroopers.
He woke up in a bed, not a cell. He wandered the corridors until finally he was approached by a rather important looking man. He explained the ideals of the Empire to Marka, and had him intrigued. Marka respected the stormtroopers because they were ther only ones who ever caught him. He was offered a position and he took it without thinking twice. Days later he found himself suiting up with the other men, not as enemies, but as brothers in arms.
-----------------------
Private First Class Marka
Fire Team Captain
- Raider Squad -
FTC/PFC Marka/3SQD/1PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE
[LoR][ES2C]
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together"
[This message has been edited by
Marka
(edited December 23, 2005
4:41:03 PM)]
