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Author
Topic:  Cosmic
kingfighter
ComNet n00b
 
[VE-ARMY] Private
[VE-NAVY] Crewman
 
Post Number:  4
Total Posts:  17
Joined:  Sep 2005
Status:  Offline
  Cosmic
November 15, 2005 4:29:00 PM    View the profile of kingfighter 
Natice language: Basic
Hair colour: Dark brown
Eye colour: Blue
Skin colcour: White, slightly tan
Height: 6' 1"
Weight: 150 lbs
Age: 24 Full name: Myletous Darous
Physical build: muscular
Home world: Korribann

Skills/Talents

  I am a determined young soldier, with quick reflexes and am able to stealthily sneak up on invaders in warfare.
  I speacilize in melle combat with vibro swords, but am good with blasters.

Backround:


I woke up to harsh screams one morning. The rebel blockade had been broken. The empire had sworn to destroy what was left of Korribann, once a sith home world but ever since the destruction of the sith, it has been overrun by imperial attacks as the rebels try to defend us. Without a hope I knew that the war would soon be over, the imperials victorious once more. I was a free lance pilot (don't have a side) working for the Corellian police force. An imperial officer took a legion of commandoes and headed toward the blocked caves. They set charges and stepped back. I knew that the Rebels hidden weapons cache was there. I didn't hesitate to think that I was the last hope for the Rebellion. I took to a hidden trench, and despite the harsh explosions around me a pushed forward, in hope I would reach the caves in time. The charges went off as I was only half way through the trench. The imperial storm troopers marched through the caves. Like it was nothing, but a steady pathway. Some Rebels dropped from the ceiling of the cave. A commando corpse fell into the trench. I grabbed his elite rifle and stealthily found my way to the cave entrance. There I watched as so many rebels fell to the ground with a burnt segment of there camouflaged armor. It was helpless yet I couldn't help but feeling that I, was going to die along with them. So I decided that if I was going to die, I would die fighting.

    The officer held a rocket launcher in his arms. It was the Rebels prized rocket launcher, it was capable of avoiding obstacles like it had eyes. He chuckled and turned around. The squad stared at me. In a questioning manner. I unloaded clips into the squad not even giving them a chance to raise their weapons. The officer ducked under the laser fire. And raised the rocket launcher toward my face& he mumbled, "Don't move". I stood there in amazement of what I had done. He replied "Put down your weapon". So I did. I asked "What are you going to do with me"? He replied. "You don't look like a Rebel to me"!!! I said, "I'm freelance". In amazement he mumbled, "Why don't you come join the Imperials we could use a good recruit like you. I replied, "Not a chance". So he stood there picked up my rifle, switched the firing power to stun. He aimed it at my chest. And let out a shot. I felt my body losing power, I passed out. I awoke to find myself in an Imperial star destroyer. I thought to myself. Now what?

    2 years later I had become something I swore to kill. An imperial private. I began to remember what had happened on Korribann. Yet I still have no doubt of my choice to become an imperial. Oh well maybe it will be for the better. 

Angel
ComNet Disciple
 
Angel
 
[VE-ARMY] Senior Sergeant
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Knight
 
Post Number:  2142
Total Posts:  3342
Joined:  Jul 2003
Status:  Offline
  RE: Cosmic
November 15, 2005 6:38:27 PM    View the profile of Angel 
I like the story, but you may want to chose a planet other than Korriban.

Dead Sith Lords usually don't like people settling on their planets, especially when they have some pretty nasty pets (Hssis dragons, for example). While Korriban may have been inhabitable during the KotOR timeline, these days its pretty much dead for anyone who goes there.

The story is very good though. nice work.
 
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=[Arrogant Elitist]=
=[Jikkyo the Horrible]=
Assistant Squad Leader/Senior Sergeant Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Iron Horse Squad/WildCard/Phoenix/Dragon/Osiris/ Stormtrooper Corps/Vast Empire [LoR] [RoM] [BC] [CDS] [WM] [GRoM] {BoA}
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CM/DJK Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Eagle 1-1/Sith/Dark Jedi Order/Vast Empire [VP:1]
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I'm the sheep that was lost, madre.
kingfighter
ComNet n00b
 
[VE-ARMY] Private
[VE-NAVY] Crewman
 
Post Number:  6
Total Posts:  17
Joined:  Sep 2005
Status:  Offline
  RE: Cosmic
November 15, 2005 9:46:46 PM    View the profile of kingfighter 
Thanks for the help anyway i new that it was a cool planet thats why i picked it though. Didn't really think about whether it was barren or not......
Nicholas Star
ComNet Novice
 
Nicholas Star
 
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
 
Post Number:  35
Total Posts:  47
Joined:  Sep 2005
Status:  Offline
  RE: Cosmic
November 16, 2005 5:54:27 PM    View the profile of Nicholas Star 
Sweet bio Kris.
 
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TRP/PFC Nicholas Star/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA [LoR]

"Friends are the only ones you can trust, and you can't even trust them."
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
 
Cosmic
 
[VE-ARMY] Brigadier General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
 
Post Number:  4224
Total Posts:  7772
Joined:  Sep 2000
Status:  Offline
  RE: Cosmic
November 16, 2005 6:50:34 PM    View the profile of Cosmic 
Aye, its good. As said above, don't use Korriban. Also:

1) Watch some of your words. Pronouns always start with an uppercase letter. Example: The Empire, the Rebels, etc.

2) Keep in mind what type of word you're using. There are many words that sound alike, but their spelling is completely different, and if you use a word with wrong spelling, it makes the sentence look bad. Example: there, their, they're. They all sound alike, but have completely different meanings. The same goes for "know" and "no".

3) Use the proper system for mentioning numbers: when writing, especially if it is in dialogue, you need to spell out the number. Don't say, "I have 2 blasters." You need to write, "I have two blasters." Do this even when you're not in dialogue. Spell out the number completely. It looks like you're being lazy if you don't.

Fix the story and I'll be happy. You can then stick it into your profile from the Online Roster. Note: the roster requires you to add HTML tags for breaks, bold text, etc. As soon as I can find out what's going on with the squads, I will assign you to one.

Very good bio, though.

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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/Drill Squad/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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[This message has been edited by Cosmic (edited November 16, 2005 6:51:05 PM)]
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