JSRUSSELL
ComNet n00b
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NEW RECRUIT REPROTING FOR DUTY SIR! Bio included
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November 13, 2005
12:37:34 AM
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Callsign JSRussell im new blue and ready to go. I plan to be the best pilot in the feet so write down my name. Plan on seeing alot of me.
New Recruit
OVER AND OUT!
[This message has been edited by
JSRUSSELL
(edited November 14, 2005
6:40:45 PM)]
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Willtconq
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RE: NEW RECRUIT REPROTING FOR DUTY SIR!
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November 13, 2005
1:15:50 PM
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Welcome to the Imperial Navy, I like that attitude. However, since this is a writing based RP, you need to put a little more effort into your spelling and gramar, if you want to be the best. -----------------------
-(William the Conquerer)-
King of PPC
We are still here because we conquered our enemies, and we shall do it again!
XO/FL/SPO Willtconq/Kaph 5/Wing I/mSSD Atrus/DEF/VEN /VE (=*A*=) (=*SA*=) [VC:B][SV]
Wm/Wm Willtconq/WM:1/Webmasters/VET/VE |
JSRUSSELL
ComNet n00b
[VE-NAVY] Crewman
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RE: NEW RECRUIT REPROTING FOR DUTY SIR!
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November 13, 2005
1:29:55 PM
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Sorry about my grammar and spelling I'll make it a priority.
TRN JSRussell |
Jack Nebulax
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RE: NEW RECRUIT REPROTING FOR DUTY SIR!
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November 14, 2005
3:01:55 PM
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JSRUSSELL
ComNet n00b
[VE-NAVY] Crewman
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RE: NEW RECRUIT REPROTING FOR DUTY SIR!
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November 14, 2005
3:13:22 PM
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Thank you sir I'm excited but my training officer still hasn't contacted me.
TRN JSRussell |
Shazam
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RE: NEW RECRUIT REPROTING FOR DUTY SIR!
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November 14, 2005
5:48:18 PM
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M'kay, I alread spoke to you, but I suppose you can use this as reference. First off, you go academy.imperial-navy.com and comply with everything it ask for underneath Basic Training which runs off the 'exams' portion of that bar. Now, once you finished up all it ask, send in your VEBAT which is just that little form at the bottom. Next, you go to Flight School... Comply with all it ask there of course (Bio on the comnet and roster), then you send a message to Sk8... And I think you can go on ahead and take the Aviators Exam so you'll have that done and Sk8 will be able to move you on up when he can.
Welcome to the Vast Empire Navy. -----------------------
*Flash Was Here...*
CMDR/ESN Shazam/Nazgul 1-1/Phoenix Wing/mSSD Atrus/1VENF/VEN (=A=) (=*SA*=) (=*MA*=) (=*FOCE*=) [LoM] [LSM] [VC:S] [DSM] |
JSRUSSELL
ComNet n00b
[VE-NAVY] Crewman
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RE: NEW RECRUIT REPROTING FOR DUTY SIR!
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November 14, 2005
6:39:25 PM
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Her is my bio enjoy.
NAME: Justin Russell
CALL SIGN: JSRussell
AGE: 18
SEX: Male
HIEGHT: 6 Feet
WIEGHT: 155 LB
HAIR COLOR: Brown
EYE COLOR: Blue-Green
PERSONALITY: Usually laid back calm and collective not easily raddled. Unfortunately two titanium shoulders, arms and hands cause him great pain but give him unmatchable strength and reflexes. Never ask him how he lost them or you might lose yours.
REASON FOR JOINING EMPIRE: To beat down those rebel scum!!!!
HISTORY: Born to Nexus and Janutis Russell aboard the bounty hunter ship Ferocity he shortly learned the way of the bounty hunter but he wanted more. The crew of Ferocity comprised of the captain a quite man who's figure could scare a tick off a Bantha my father the communications expert and mother the ships cook. I shortly took a fancy at the helm and became one of the best young pilots in the universe. Unfortunately A hyper space jump put us right in the path of a patrolling tie fighter group who thought It would be funny to give us the go around, they fired first disabling the ships weapons. I reacted quickly but not soon enough I trusted hard to port and began evasive maneuvers the fighters were more nimble but my skill made it possible to continue evading till the captain thought of something else. Hard to starboard the engines roared and in my viewer I saw an imperial battle cruiser. The COM roared to life the captain of the cruiser demanded us to shut down engines and await further orders the fighters were gone and the captain of Ferocity instructed me to power down and that
we cant win this one. The cruiser captain voice filled the COM who was piloting that ship I wish to meet him. So Justin met him and shortly after started on his way to join the academy. The rest is still to be told.
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Shazam
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RE: NEW RECRUIT REPROTING FOR DUTY SIR! Bio includ
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November 14, 2005
6:57:29 PM
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Alright, first off- You need to correct any gramatical errors, or spelling errors... What I noticed is that you like to change tenses, a lot like a member of my squadron, but it can be fixed. What does that mean? You switch from 3rd person to 1st person. Like "He went to the front..." then "I went to the front..." Do you understand? Also, you need to decide if your going to writing a history to us or actually telling the story in story form. You wrote it in a stricly profile way, then you began to speak in storyteller style, actually giving quotes from people and telling in a discriptive way what you did. So, I suppose I might suggest you go on ahead and-
Decription of Person-
History-
Story-
Or you could combine the last two, but you might want to smooth it out. I know I'm really cuttin you apart, but I'm only tryin to help.
As for story, well I'd say you might want to go more in depth. This is your bio, it is your chance to tell us exactly who your character is and why he is that way. I wouldn't let that slip by.
You say that the reason you joined the imperials is to fight off 'Rebel Scum,' so maybe you were raised by prejudiced parents, maybe they were from an imperial family... Also, you might want to give a reason as to why your family was with that bounty hunter... Maybe they themselves were being hunted. In any case, you might want to clear up what happened after you were attacked by the imperials. Like, why join? To keep from being prosecuted?
Right, my point is that you should be as specific as possible. Really give the people you RPG with to go with something. And yes, me telling you something might be different than others, but its only because I notice different things at different times. Keep up the good work recruit, your activity is really quite excellent. Keep rockin. -----------------------
*Flash Was Here...*
CMDR/ESN Shazam/Nazgul 1-1/Phoenix Wing/mSSD Atrus/1VENF/VEN (=A=) (=*SA*=) (=*MA*=) (=*FOCE*=) [LoM] [LSM] [VC:S] [DSM] |
JSRUSSELL
ComNet n00b
[VE-NAVY] Crewman
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RE: NEW RECRUIT REPROTING FOR DUTY SIR! Bio includ
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November 14, 2005
7:51:20 PM
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Working on new bio the old one is bad.
CRW JSRussell |
Jen Knight
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RE: NEW RECRUIT REPROTING FOR DUTY SIR! Bio includ
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November 14, 2005
9:09:39 PM
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Welcome to the VE. -----------------------
Jen Knight
As Darkness falls, Night unfolds ebon wings to wrap the world in its dark embrace...
Vast Empire Navy
XO/FL/PO1 Jen Knight/Nazgul 5 (2-1)/Wing 1/mSSD Atrus/Defensive Fleet/VEN/VE(=*A*=)(=*SA*=)[VC:B] |
Shazam
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RE: NEW RECRUIT REPROTING FOR DUTY SIR! Bio includ
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November 15, 2005
7:05:54 PM
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Congratulations, you've been added to Kaph Squadron. You can go to the Kaph Squadron Topic in the Navy Main ComNet to let everyone know your around. You should receive a message from your squadron commander, Will, very soon. The best to you. -----------------------
*Flash Was Here...*
CMDR/ESN Shazam/Nazgul 1-1/Phoenix Wing/mSSD Atrus/1VENF/VEN (=A=) (=*SA*=) (=*MA*=) (=*FOCE*=) [LoM] [LSM] [VC:S] [DSM] |
JSRUSSELL
ComNet n00b
[VE-NAVY] Leading Crewman
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RE: NEW RECRUIT REPROTING FOR DUTY SIR! Bio includ
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November 15, 2005
7:57:43 PM
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New new bio enjoy!
NAME: Justin Russell
CALL SIGN: JSRussell
AGE: 18
SEX: Male
HIEGHT: 6 Feet
WIEGHT: 155 LB
HAIR COLOR: Brown
EYE COLOR: Blue-Green
PERSONALITY: Usually laid back calm and collective not easily raddled. Unfortunately two titanium shoulders, arms and hands cause him great pain but give him unmatchable strength and reflexes. Never ask him how he lost them or you might lose yours.
REASON FOR JOINING EMPIRE: To beat down those rebel scum!!!!
LIFE STORY: Speed my father used to preach, "speed is the only way to out run those darn rebels" I miss those days. The day was like any other "to the landing ports for the empire" father always said this before he landed. Mechis III was a planet wide manufacturing plant making parts for all sectors of the empire little did I know a rebel force waited in anticipation, twelve highly trained shock troops planning on steeling an imperial transport vesicle to do there biding. Little did they know my father was a blockade-runner for the republic back in the war and not to bad of a fighter I might say! Father started the landing sequence "Transmitting landing codes" "commencing landing" he's never had a rough landing but today was the expecting, heavy blaster fire filled the landing bay he started screaming orders "full throttle sit down boy before you get hurt" we blasted into the atmosphere. Laughter filled the pilot house "we got away didn't we boy" unfortunately the happiness was short lived three x-wings blasted the port side with proton torpedoes "engines or down father what do we do" "you're going to get into a escape pod wile I do my duty for the empire" I didn't understand until I was peering through the port hole on my escape pod. Four men died that day my father over loaded the malfunctioning engines to destroy the nearby x-wings saving my self and hundreds of others if the rebels would have gotten or ship. Finally I was recovered by patrolling battle cruiser after a short recovery I made my way to the academy, now it was more than a dream it was personal.
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Shazam
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RE: NEW RECRUIT REPROTING FOR DUTY SIR! Bio includ
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November 15, 2005
10:38:48 PM
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Good bio, and I see that your out of flight school now, but I still feel the need to help you out.
Like I said before, you like to change tenses. You did it in this post as well, but you also confuse because your not entirelly sure who your talking about. But that probelm also has constituents I probably didn't mention. For instance, most writers cut their dialogue up, seperating different character's specific words... Like:
"Your going to those escape pods!" my father said as I clutched my seat.
"I can't leave you!" I said...
Dramatic interpretation, I know, but never the less, I use it to prove my point. Rather than make a muddy sentace of many different things, create complete sentences seperated by spaces or returns so that people can really see that someone else is speaking. It helps to clear things up. Also, notice I said "I"... I kept it in first person rather than switching about from one to two to three... That probably didn't make as much sense, but do you understand what I'm trying to tell you? -----------------------
*Flash Was Here...*
CMDR/ESN Shazam/Nazgul 1-1/Phoenix Wing/mSSD Atrus/1VENF/VEN (=A=) (=*SA*=) (=*MA*=) (=*FOCE*=) [LoM] [LSM] [VC:S] [DSM] |
JSRUSSELL
ComNet n00b
[VE-NAVY] Leading Crewman
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Joined: Nov 2005
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RE: NEW RECRUIT REPROTING FOR DUTY SIR! Bio includ
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November 16, 2005
2:04:19 PM
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I appreciate your comments and suggestions ill clean it up.
LCRW JSRussell
[This message has been edited by
JSRUSSELL
(edited November 16, 2005
2:08:55 PM)]
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