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Topic:  bio
bullet_star
ComNet n00b
 
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
 
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  bio
October 9, 2005 5:29:30 PM    View the profile of bullet_star 
Personal Appearence

Native Language: Basic
Hair Color: blond/brown
Eye Color: green
Skin Color: white but tanned
Height: 6'
Weight: 10 stone
Age: 19
Full Name: he s'tara
Physical Build: Well-built/Well-formed (Muscular)

Skill: expert in martial arts, fast (a very good sprinter) and intelligent (in maths)

History:
I was 5 years old when I started school, one of the oldest and tallest pupils. However my size and strength did not match, and the rules at school where, to be popular and have many friends you had to be in either the 2nds or 1st forces class. I wasn't in any and therefore had at first a lonely schooling, in subjects I failed and slowly began to give up.

At home, my parents had split up time ago, I had a father who didn't want anything to do with me and to be honest the same applied for me and a mother who died in a bombing attack from the rebels when I was 3 so I was looked after by foster parents. Fortunately these people cared for me if not more than my original family did. They invested in home tutoring lessons during the holidays.

One day I came home from school and found an over weight woman in the lounge who looked like she had just swallowed a wasp and judging by her suit and the fact my foster parents where in tears had come only to destroy a happy family. I was taken away from them due to money problems and put in care with a mysterious man, very quite, who showed no signs of emotion. Over time i discovered he had once been a martial arts teacher. He used this as the only way to show he cared for me by spending time teaching me martial arts, shouting at me in a positive voice to get it right. However I liked him and his shouting for it pushed me forward and made me get everything right. I excelled in martial arts, I loved it for I was good at it.

School  improved, for I wanted to push forward in everything, I was no longer in the high numbered sets, I was in ones and twos.

Over years I entered competitions and always came first, I moved up into higher forces teams and began to make more and more friends. My life was now fun, exciting and worth living. He became a father and I came to love him like all the other families I had been with. However as I progressed in everything, from sports, friends and education he became older, and eventually one morning he was not up and ready for breakfast he laid in bed, cold. Full of sadness I knew the same would be repeated in my life, another overweight person would come and take me away, so this time I packed all my belongings and fled.

I was now 17 and I entered fights to win money and won almost every match. However during one match I won straight away against a man who was supposed to be the best. I collected my money and headed for the door, but was approached by a tall man accompanied by two soldiers either side.
"very good, you have alot of skill, but can you beat the real best, can you beat me" he said
"lets find out" I replied in a positive tone
He came at me straight away, we battled it out for a whole 3 minutes until I could not fight anymore, all the energy inside had left my body, I was tired and now knew what it felt like to lose.
"well done indeed, a whole three minutes, not bad" he said "should you choose to accept you have an invitation in to the imperial army, well done soldier"
Totally shocked, bewildered and excited I accepted.
"come with me"
"what about my stuff" I replied
"its all been taken care off"
I followed him to a space craft and followed his orders, we departed into the darkness of space. I felt rushed, this had all happened so quickly, I didn't know what to think of it.

I had never seen anything so big, we approached a huge space craft and landed. It was at least 10 miles long and 3 across. We climbed out of the spacecraft and made for the door,
"see you soon, these men will show you around"said the man
the men he pointed to were dressed in all white armor and all looked the same. The man instantly turned away went back to the craft and departed. I followed them, and ended up in a room, my room. All my belongings were already unpacked and in my cupboards and on my bed laid a white suit like the others.
"sleep, eat,get changed and report for training at 1500hrs at the corps office" one man said.

Even though I was shocked and wondering what lay ahead, sleep still over  whelmed me and I passed out on the bed.

Personality: fun, outgoing,. Knows when to be serious and carry out his orders to the fullest.
[This message has been edited by bullet_star (edited October 9, 2005 5:51:02 PM)]
[This message has been edited by bullet_star (edited October 10, 2005 10:16:41 AM)]
[This message has been edited by bullet_star (edited October 10, 2005 10:27:10 AM)]
[This message has been edited by bullet_star (edited October 10, 2005 10:31:51 AM)]
[This message has been edited by bullet_star (edited October 10, 2005 10:33:24 AM)]
[This message has been edited by bullet_star (edited October 11, 2005 3:42:07 PM)]
[This message has been edited by bullet_star (edited October 13, 2005 11:52:03 AM)]
Sniping101
ComNet Disciple
 
Sniping101
 
[VE-ARMY] Senior Sergeant
 
Post Number:  2413
Total Posts:  3940
Joined:  Oct 2002
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  RE: bio
October 9, 2005 5:36:15 PM    View the profile of Sniping101 
my God, re-write, please, before Angel or somebody who can tell you the mistakes gets ahold of this.
 
-----------------------
TRP/SSG Sniping101/4SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE [LoR][IH][BoA]

Storm you better get your ass in gear, cause Wildcard's gonna make it hot in here.

" (I) Is always hatching plots against newlyweds; I mar the beauty of virgins and cause their hearts to grow cold"


Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
 
Cosmic
 
[VE-ARMY] Brigadier General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
 
Post Number:  4016
Total Posts:  7772
Joined:  Sep 2000
Status:  Offline
  RE: bio
October 9, 2005 5:38:28 PM    View the profile of Cosmic 
Interesting story, but there are things that do need to be pointed out:

1) This is the StarWars universe. There are no "English" people here. None of the following: cars, rugby, "the English".

2) Watch the spelling. We do have a spellcheck feature here on ComNet - I suggest you use it if you're not using a spell/grammar checker such as MS Word. If you're wondering what words you misspelled, there's a bunch. One of them being "misterious". It's a 'y', not an 'i'. Yes, we're picky.

3) Watch the punctuation. It was very difficult to see where a sentence began/ended. Fix this up a bit.

Once you have done this, repost here.
 
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
 
Cosmic
 
[VE-ARMY] Brigadier General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
 
Post Number:  4022
Total Posts:  7772
Joined:  Sep 2000
Status:  Offline
  RE: bio
October 10, 2005 4:10:02 PM    View the profile of Cosmic 
It's a big improvement over the first draft, but I'm going to have you fix it up a bit more.

1) Use paragraphs. Seperate that huge chunk of text into different paragraphs because it's hard to read.

2) Imperial recruiters don't enter fights and say "congrats, you're in". You could make it so that after the fight, an Imperial recruiter approached you.

3) Fights, especially real-life situations, don't last 40 minutes unless you are just lightly touching each other and barely moving. When you're sparring in real life, it's hard to even hold out for 2 minutes. If you're in great shape like these professional boxers, then you can go a bit longer, but 40 minutes straight going full force is a long time.

4) There are still some things that don't "sound right". Read the entire bio out loud to yourself, because you will find mistakes.

Getting better though.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------
bullet_star
ComNet n00b
 
bullet_star
 
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
 
Post Number:  8
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  RE: bio
October 11, 2005 3:42:43 PM    View the profile of bullet_star 
ok, how bout it now??
Angel
ComNet Disciple
 
Angel
 
[VE-ARMY] Senior Sergeant
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Knight
 
Post Number:  2083
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  RE: bio
October 11, 2005 4:26:52 PM    View the profile of Angel 
posted by Snipes: "my God, re-write, please, before Angel or somebody who can tell you the mistakes gets ahold of this."


darn...I'm sorry I missed it...
 
-----------------------
=[Arrogant Elitist]=
=[Jikkyo the Horrible]=
AS-2/ASL/SSG Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Iron Horse Squad/WildCard/Phoenix/Dragon/Osiris/Stormtrooper Corps/Vast Empire [LoR] [RoM] [BC] [CDS] [WM] [GRoM] {BoA}
------------------------
The Angel of Death
CM/DJK Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Eagle 1-1/Sith/Dark Jedi/Vast Empire/Lopen [VP:1]
------------------------
I'm the sheep that was lost, madre.
Storm you better get your ass in gear, cause Wildcard's gonna make it hot in here.
bullet_star
ComNet n00b
 
bullet_star
 
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
 
Post Number:  11
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  RE: bio
October 12, 2005 9:51:51 AM    View the profile of bullet_star 
muhaa It was rather terrible but ok I think now. Are you a bit of a criticer lol?
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
 
Cosmic
 
[VE-ARMY] Brigadier General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
 
Post Number:  4037
Total Posts:  7772
Joined:  Sep 2000
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  RE: bio
October 12, 2005 7:27:27 PM    View the profile of Cosmic 
Very good. Vast improvement over before. One thing at the personality section though: you're fun, outgoing, and motionless? :P It's a bit of a conflict there, hehe. No biggie though. It's good the way it is - not perfect, but neither is anyone elses writing.

You've been assigned Lancer squad.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------
bullet_star
ComNet Novice
 
bullet_star
 
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
 
Post Number:  27
Total Posts:  39
Joined:  Oct 2005
Status:  Offline
  RE: bio
October 13, 2005 11:53:19 AM    View the profile of bullet_star 
Cool, ok I changed!
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