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Author
Topic:  Nicholas's Bio
Nicholas Star
ComNet n00b
 
Nicholas Star
 
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
 
Post Number:  3
Total Posts:  47
Joined:  Sep 2005
Status:  Offline
  Nicholas's Bio
September 9, 2005 10:28:39 PM    View the profile of Nicholas Star 
Eye Color: Hazel Brown
Skin Color: Brown
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 189 pounds
Age: 21
Name: Nicholas Star
Physical Build: Normal (muscular)
Homeworld: Dantooine

History: Nicholas was born on Dantooine and was raised by his brother, Nile. His parents were murdered in an interogation by the rebels, on an enemy planet unknown.
His brother was informed that he was responsible for taking care of him, as he was 23 years old, when little Nicholas was only 2 years old. Nile took care of him on Dantooine in a rusty, old shack on the outskirts of the city, working as a co-owner of a poor shop. He could only bring home little portions of money, just barely living, though living in poverty.
Nicholas could barely survive with Nile and Nile's income, so Nile decided to take him to his cousin in the Vast Empire; Sin.
Sin was a merchant in the main city making a good amount of money. Sin adopted Nicholas when he was 8 years old, and gave him a good life, while Nile dissapeared into the galexy, on an unknown planet.
Nicholas trained all his childhood and worked to become in the army and slaughter the rebel scum! He despised them, no doubt. Sin taught him in the ways of martial arts and melee while  Nicholas had a natural nac for a lot of skills and abilities. Sin then died when Nicholas was 20 years old, leaving him no place to go, so he turned to the academy to become an Imperial.

Personality: He can become angry when provoked, but usually is funny and joyful. He enjoys making people laugh, fighting, and training to fight. He hates the rebels and anything to do with them, that's usually the only thing that can spark his anger. 

Skills: Melee, heavy arms, sneaking,martial arts,
hacking, and natural agility.

                 
[This message has been edited by Nicholas Star (edited September 12, 2005 4:08:27 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Nicholas Star (edited September 12, 2005 5:22:33 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Nicholas Star (edited September 12, 2005 5:41:59 PM)]
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
 
Cosmic
 
[VE-ARMY] Brigadier General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
 
Post Number:  3860
Total Posts:  7772
Joined:  Sep 2000
Status:  Offline
  RE: Nicholas's Bio
September 10, 2005 9:55:54 PM    View the profile of Cosmic 
You are going to have to repost your bio with the tips I gave you, Nicholas, if you want to further progress in the Corps. Just Reply to this post with your amended biography.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
 
Cosmic
 
[VE-ARMY] Brigadier General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
 
Post Number:  3868
Total Posts:  7772
Joined:  Sep 2000
Status:  Offline
  RE: Nicholas's Bio
September 12, 2005 4:41:35 PM    View the profile of Cosmic 
Ok, it's better than before, but I'm still going to make you revise it. Use the following tips:

1) Watch your grammar! It was very difficult for me to follow what was going on because I had to read each sentence twice because you did not make use of punctuation (commas, periods, colons, semicolons, hyphens, etc.). Make use of these.

2) Expand your story a bit. All I got out of that was you are from Dantooine and joined the Army. What I'm looking for in this biography is to see what your character history is like - this is the StarWars universe; you can be creative, but within the confines of our timeline and reason.

3) I did not see any part in the story where it spoke of your character's personality. I would like to know, and so would everyone else who's going to be in the same squad as you, what your personality is like - what is your attitude? Your likes and dislikes? What makes you you? Etc.

4) There's a different between 'writing good' and 'good writing', and you want to shoot for the latter. Don't do this biography because I told you to, you should want to do this because it helps everyone to know what your character is like - this is your first post in your VE career to develop your character. You should have fun and be creative with it. There are no limits to the length of the biography, just the material.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
 
Cosmic
 
[VE-ARMY] Brigadier General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
 
Post Number:  3870
Total Posts:  7772
Joined:  Sep 2000
Status:  Offline
  RE: Nicholas's Bio
September 13, 2005 1:24:39 PM    View the profile of Cosmic 
A big improvement. Well done.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal
 
Cosmic
 
[VE-ARMY] Brigadier General
[VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess)
[VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
 
Post Number:  3871
Total Posts:  7772
Joined:  Sep 2000
Status:  Offline
  RE: Nicholas's Bio
September 13, 2005 1:27:34 PM    View the profile of Cosmic 
Okie-doke. You've been assigned to Nightstalkers.

Congratulations.
 
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Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE
[OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE
[VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
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Angel
ComNet Disciple
 
Angel
 
[VE-ARMY] Senior Sergeant
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Knight
 
Post Number:  2026
Total Posts:  3342
Joined:  Jul 2003
Status:  Offline
  RE: Nicholas's Bio
September 14, 2005 9:25:49 AM    View the profile of Angel 
My only sticking point is that there are no cities on Dantooine. (I researched it thoroughly since that is where Angel is from)
 
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=[Arrogant Elitist]=
AS-2/ASL/SSG Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Iron Horse Squad/WildCard/Phoenix/Dragon/Osiris/Stormtrooper Corps/Vast Empire [LoR] [RoM] [BC] [CDS] [WM] [GRoM] {BoA}
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The Angel of Death
CM/DJK Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Eagle 1-1/Sith/Dark Jedi/Vast Empire/Lopen [VP:1]
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I'm the sheep that was lost, madre.
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