Alez
ComNet n00b
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
Post Number: 3
Total Posts: 26
Joined: Jun 2005
Status: Offline
|

Biography
|
|
June 18, 2005
10:18:47 PM
|
|
Name: Alez Wzalsin
Age: 11
Height: 5'11
Eye Colour: Grey
Hair Colour: Black
Hair Length: Shoulder-length
Hair Style: Wraith-like
Physical Features: Scar on right cheek
Personality: Cold, quiet at times, yet sometimes outgoing.
History: Alez Wzalsin's dad had died when he was five, so said his mom, and good riddance too. His dad was said to have given him his scar. He was brought up by a woman who worshipped dark jedi and their arts, so much so that she could throw force lightning at Alez when he got out of hand. They jumped from planet to planet for no reason that his mother ever told him. Though never getting any jedi training, Alez had an uncanny sense when and where an enemy was approaching, thus managing to evade his mother whenever she was coming after him. He was taught that gracefulness ultimatly grows to stealth, which leads to power. One day his mom recieved a hologram with a message, which got her so angry that she threw force lightning at the hologram. Her powers rebounded back to herself, destroying the datapad, along with her, in the process. Alez saw the empire's logo etched on the remains of the pad, and immediatly joined stormtrooper corp to unveil the secret behind the hologram. Who was he to met there, but his own twin sister Alasse, also in stormtrooper corp. This mystery was beginning to unfold itself.
I know its long. Sorry.
[This message has been edited by
Alez
(edited June 18, 2005
10:31:41 PM)]
|
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal

[VE-ARMY] Brigadier General [VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess) [VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
Post Number: 3358
Total Posts: 7772
Joined: Sep 2000
Status: Offline
|

RE: Biography
|
|
June 18, 2005
10:48:00 PM
|
|
Well, it was very creative, I'll give you that.
I'm going to make you revise the whole thing though  And here's why:
1) Learn to understand the Force before you go writing about it. (It's properties, etc.)
2) Jedi are pratically non-existant... they were all destroyed with the Jedi Purge.
3) It is impossible for your character to be 11 years old. The Imperial Stormtrooper Corps will not except you until you are at least 18 years of age.
4) Read KnightWind's biography below for an example of how a decent biography should be:
-------------------------
Antifarea, third planet of the Anirealm system. Dark, vast and full of danger, AntiFarea has become a haven for smugglers, wanted men, and the AntiLite Market. It seemed that AntiFareas' destiny was to be the heart of a vile rebellious beast. Order was obsolete on this dank planet. Its inhabitants traveled from every inch of the galaxy, which included places I never heard of. It would be this very place where evil came to hide their troubles then leave to create more.
I was just a little kid, no more than twelve and had been living on the streets for nearly four years. I can still remember waking up each morning to the site of radiation filters, changing their cycles and releasing the poisonous gasses into the air by the gallons. It was about that time each morning that I would start my self-appointed job. It had taken me three years to get it down right but I was finally one of the best pickpockets in the neighborhood where I lived. I had my fair share of close encounters, and my fair share of punishment for my crimes. To me, taking a few Antilian credits didn't seem as horrible as everyone else made it seem. There was more money slipping through the presidents' hands than any Galactic Bank in and around our solar system. It was hard keeping up with current events. Something was always changing, weather it was a new president promising peace and order, or even a new set of laws to follow. In either case the people never believed or followed much of the laws. The new presidents were usually paid to just sit there and if they opened their mouths they would have to worry about talking anymore.
I had just finished buying myself something to eat that morning, with the money I got from my latest pawn, when I turned the corner and came face to face with Xelqin. Xelqin never liked his name, on the streets he was known as KnightAura because he seemed to drift in and out with the radiation currents. We had always thought that he was some kind of species no one on AntiFarea has heard of, even though he looks perfectly human. He on the other hand had always tried to get me killed or worse, arrested because he thought that if I were gone he would take over the neighborhood. His intentions never made much sense to me.
I was never the one to act like a leader because that city meant nothing to me. The children that lived in our sector followed me mainly, I thought, because I had a meal almost everyday. We ended up making a small gang, KnightAura managed to include himself but I didn't care. They seemed desperate, and did everything they could to keep together. I remember a couple of times when KnightFire and KnightMare would break into the confinement area that was built by the "police" (members of the AntiLite market who are paid to keep anyone and anything out of their business) to rescue some of the kids on our block. The crimes were small, such as pickpocket the wrong person, stealing some Antilian Jurdice (a tasty snack on our planet), or wonder off into a bad sector that most stayed away from. Whatever the case may have been, the Antilites punished us anyway. That's how things worked for us. We would steal, get caught, then escape.
That was my way of life, until one normal day for me turned into one an unlucky day of events. ----------------------- Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------
|
Alez
ComNet n00b
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
Post Number: 4
Total Posts: 26
Joined: Jun 2005
Status: Offline
|

RE: Biography
|
|
June 18, 2005
11:07:09 PM
|
|
Whoops sorry i was gonna put 17.
Anyways yea. Mine's quite bad.
Give me a while, i'll make a better one. i promise.
The jedi purge you are talking about is the one in episode 3 right? not the jedi cival war long ago?
I'll make a better one. My "mother" was a mistake.
|
Alez
ComNet n00b

[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
Post Number: 5
Total Posts: 26
Joined: Jun 2005
Status: Offline
|

RE: Biography
|
|
June 19, 2005
10:27:36 AM
|
|
Okay. Here's a new updated version.
Name: Alez Wzalsin
Age: 17
Height: 5'11
Eye Colour: Grey
Hair Colour: Black
Hair Length: Shoulder-length
Hair Style: Wraith-like
Physical Features: Scar on right cheek
Species: Human
Personality: Cold, quiet at times, yet sometimes outgoing.
Biography:
Drops of green liquid leaked from the cracks in the ceiling, dropping onto the wooden floorboards. A musky stench filled the room, where inside lay the resting body of a teenage boy. Manta-like creatures soared around the corpses. Alez opened his eyes to the remains of a battle fought not long ago.
His head seemed to spin, his every thought slipping out of his mind. As he sought to grasp a thought, one came flying and etched itself in his brain. "Where is my mother?" He stood up, supporting himself with his muddy hands. The wooden floorboard creaked below him. He quieted his mind just like how mother taught him. Slowly his headache receded and his memories came flowing back to him. His mother had sought hiding within the tree-villages in Kashyyyk. They were hiding from the rebel group that was stalking them. They were in this house when rebel pyrotechnics came and set the houses ablaze. The wookies had tried to fight back. His mother had hidden him under the bed and jumped out with an assassin's blaster and a datapad, as gracefully and quietly as the "ninjas-whatever-they-are-called" from earth. His mother's favorite line "Stealth is power" repeated itself in his head. The rebels were stalking them because of...
"CRASH!!""
The floorboard gave way. The wooden splinters fell down to the ground, bringing Alez with them. He must have fallen about 900 feet when he landed on some kind of shuttle. His almost extinguished headache now came back full blast, forcing away all thoughts from his mind. He rolled about clutching his head, pulling his long hair out. With a certain kind of luck he rolled down into the shuttle, where his consciousness could take it no longer. Alez blacked out.
Alez awoke with a start in the medbay of a colossal starship. The medbay itself was as big as three shuttles- no four! Beside him a lady in an imperial uniform was wiping his face, hands and feet with a cloth, behind her a droid which was pricking at his face, his right cheek to be exact. The lady said no word to him, just passed him two datapads- one of them broken- and a certain rather familiar assassin's gun...
[This message has been edited by
Alez
(edited June 19, 2005
10:29:43 AM)]
|
Hashi Shiyun
ComNet Member

[VE-ARMY] Gunnery Sergeant
Post Number: 573
Total Posts: 779
Joined: Oct 2003
Status: Offline
|

RE: Biography
|
|
June 19, 2005
11:14:33 AM
|
|
Falling 900 feet and living to tell about it? Even the most powerful Jedi cannot jump off from that height and live to tell about it. ----------------------- Gunnery Sergeant Hashi Shiyun
Jester Squad
|
Yillis
ComNet Initiate

[VE-ARMY] Lance Corporal
Post Number: 130
Total Posts: 1598
Joined: Mar 2005
Status: Offline
|

RE: Biography
|
|
June 19, 2005
11:20:36 AM
|
|
maybe he meant inchs? and i like your avatar Alez ----------------------- Lance Corporal Yillis
-=Lancer Squad=- -=ASL=-
ASL/LCPL Yillis/2SQD/2PLT/1COM/1RGT/1BAT/VEA /VE /Tadath [LoR] [WM]
|
Angel
ComNet Expert

[VE-ARMY] Senior Sergeant [VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Knight
Post Number: 1812
Total Posts: 3342
Joined: Jul 2003
Status: Offline
|

RE: Biography
|
|
June 19, 2005
11:40:47 AM
|
|
no ninjas from earth. This is star wars.
Oh, and Hashi, some masters strong in telekenesis would be able to.... ----------------------- =[Arrogant Elitist Fire Team Captain]= Iron Horse Squad
=[ Winner: Biography Comp 2005 ]=
AS-2/FTC/SGT Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/1SQD/1PLT/1COMP/1RGT/1BAT/VEA/VE/Tadath [LoR] [RoM] [BC] [CDS] [WM] {BoA}
------------------------
CM/DJK Jikkyo "Angel" Nimiichi/Eagle 1-1/Sith/VEDJ/VE/Lopen [VP:1]
------------------------
Fallen....only to rise.
Risen...only to fall.
The circle is now complete:
The Angel of Death has returned...
|
Hashi Shiyun
ComNet Member

[VE-ARMY] Gunnery Sergeant
Post Number: 574
Total Posts: 779
Joined: Oct 2003
Status: Offline
|

RE: Biography
|
|
June 19, 2005
12:08:21 AM
|
|
Or some kind of stupid alien Jedi with wings.
But that is besides the point.
Alez, you have the language, but not the storyline. It confuses me and I do not really know what you leading up to. ----------------------- Gunnery Sergeant Hashi Shiyun
Jester Squad
|
Jack Nebulax
ComNet Expert

[VE-NAVY] Senior Chief Petty Officer [VE-VEEC] Reporter
Post Number: 1787
Total Posts: 3245
Joined: Aug 2004
Status: Offline
|

RE: Biography
|
|
June 19, 2005
1:08:47 PM
|
|
|
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal

[VE-ARMY] Brigadier General [VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess) [VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
Post Number: 3362
Total Posts: 7772
Joined: Sep 2000
Status: Offline
|

RE: Biography
|
|
June 19, 2005
1:41:09 PM
|
|
Interesting story, and definately an imrpovement over the last post, but it's still not really a "biography".
And some thnings:
1) We're in the StarWars universe. There is no "Earth".
2) As said above, it is extremely unlikely that someone would surive a 900 ft fall
3) I kind of don't really know what your hair looks like. No biggie, but I don't understand the concept of "wraith-like". You mean ghostly? Wirey? Slicked back?
4) This is what I'm looking for:
a short background history of your character, and also his/her personality. ----------------------- Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------
|
Alez
ComNet n00b

[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
Post Number: 7
Total Posts: 26
Joined: Jun 2005
Status: Offline
|

RE: Biography
|
|
June 19, 2005
6:30:03 PM
|
|
Alright... time to make a new one.
|
Alez
ComNet n00b

[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
Post Number: 8
Total Posts: 26
Joined: Jun 2005
Status: Offline
|

RE: Biography
|
|
June 20, 2005
10:01:53 AM
|
|
Name: Alez Wzalsin
Callsign: Alez
Age: 17
Height: 5'11
Eye Colour: Grey
Hair Colour: Black
Hair Length: Shoulder-length
Hair Style: Long and messy, falling across his face
Physical Features: Scar on right cheek
Species: Human
Birthplace: Unknown to him
Personality: Cold, quiet and sad.
History: The Wzalsin household was torn apart with the "tragic" loss of Alez's dad when he was but a child of 5. His mother, a tall sleek woman, single handedly raised Alez up. His "good-for-nothing" father had left them no house, no clothes, no food no funds and a scar or Alez's face. However she managed to gain money somehow, though by means unknown to Alez. He grew up on the planet Telos, where his mother taught him the arts of stealth and grace, the ability to see without being seen, to strike without being heard, and to never miss a shot. On his seventeenth birthday, his mother grabbed him and led him to a hanger. This, she said, would be his last and final test his mother was going to give him. He was to use his stealth abilities to creep into the hanger, disable the guards, and plot the shuttle's course to a certain co-ordinate stored inside his datapad. Then he was to enter the shuttle and retrieve a certain package. He was not to be seen or heard. After he had re-programmed the shuttle's course, he crept into the hanger. When he stepped into the ship, the shuttle's doors closed and locked on him, and the shuttle took off to the planned destination. The "package" inside the ship contained a datapad with a message, and a highly modified blaster pistol. As he connected the datapad to the shuttle's hologram system, his mother's face appeared. Slowly, An imperial starship came into view, at the exact co-ordinates that he himself had programmed into the ships computer.
After convincing the guarding stormtroopers that he was no rebel spy, he sought refuge in the starship's crew quarters and was soon on his way to joining the stormtrooper corp...
I trust this time it should be alright. I hope telos wasn't destroyed at any time though i found no records of telos's destruction...
[This message has been edited by
Alez
(edited June 20, 2005
10:05:24 AM)]
|
Cosmic
ComNet Marshal

[VE-ARMY] Brigadier General [VE-DJO] Krath Prophet(ess) [VE-VEEC] Chief Editor
Post Number: 3367
Total Posts: 7772
Joined: Sep 2000
Status: Offline
|

RE: Biography
|
|
June 20, 2005
10:38:21 AM
|
|
Well done. Very interesting. Very unique. It'll make for some great character development stories. ----------------------- Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
CoT/BG Cosmic/HCA-3/SL/3SQD/2PLT/1COMP/1BAT/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CDS][IH][GS][LM][SoS][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC]
-----------------------
Cleric "Cosmic" Vor'soth
SL/KPR Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK]
-----------------------
|
Alez
ComNet n00b

[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
Post Number: 9
Total Posts: 26
Joined: Jun 2005
Status: Offline
|

RE: Biography
|
|
June 20, 2005
10:45:18 AM
|
|
Thank you sir!
|
Jack Nebulax
ComNet Expert

[VE-NAVY] Senior Chief Petty Officer [VE-VEEC] Reporter
Post Number: 1808
Total Posts: 3245
Joined: Aug 2004
Status: Offline
|

RE: Biography
|
|
June 20, 2005
10:54:46 AM
|
|
|