Many people believe that there is no real truth. That everything, every fact and truth we cling to is in fact not real, but merely our understanding of things based on our perspective. In other words, reality itself is fluid, constantly changing to match up with our perspective and our understanding. This is at times referred to as the Ben Kenobi principle, the Copenhagen Interpretation, and the False Ending doctrine.

Of course, they are all wrong. There is one single truth, one core reality that governs all existence. It isn't, in fact, all in your head. The failure of man to grasp this, however, is due to his biggest limitation and at the same time his biggest gift. Man, being mortal, and of limited perspective, cannot comprehend the full and utter truth of reality. It is quite simply beyond his grasp. This means that a large part of the glories of creation are forever dark to him, beyond his comprehension. All of man's achievements have been a result of his efforts to pierce that darkness, to truly understand the world around him. With every passing millennia, mankind develops new theories, new concepts of being, and with every passing millennia you will have someone say they have unlocked the secrets of creation. And every millennia they will be wrong, for the quest is unending. Mankind will never be able to unlock the secrets of existence, and yet he will continue to try, and that hunger for the answer to everything will drive him onward, and this constant evolution of thought will drive him to greater and greater heights for eternity.

But what does this have to do with this story? Absolutely nothing. Nothing, that is, except to say that though reality is solid, coherent, and unbendable, that doesn't mean that we are seeing things correctly. Quite often, the "reality" we knew of and placed our trust in can turn out to be utterly wrong.

THAT is the real lesson.



The Nergal Project presents&


THE AWFUL TRUTH




Part One: A History Lesson / Born in Darkness


Uncle Yo-sim's Bar, Grill, and Questionably Acquired Weapons Emporium was moderately successful as bars go (slightly more so as a clearing house for black market weapons, but we shall not go there), but tonight was a quiet night.

Geist, our resident all knowing head bartender, was playing chess against Talon, who was something of a regular. There were a few customers, and between Tina's exceptional waitressing and Kuroshi handling most of the bartending duties, they were greatly happy with the service.

A man at a corner table meanwhile sold automatic weapons and handguns. No military support weapons though. He was saving them up for the big Thursday selloff (free thermal detonators with every purchase of an E-web).

At a nearby table a writer in a black hat typed as he admired a short barreled .357 with the experienced eye of a talented hobbyist. There's just something about a good .357&

Anyhow, things were quiet. Then the doors swung open and three guys walked into the bar.

The writer refrained from making a bad joke.

"Welcome gentlemen!" Tina said cheerfully. She was in waitress mode. Cheerful and helpful even though recently she was the one giving orders to two of these three.

"Hi captain," Argon Viper said. Stormtrooper 1026 and Master echoed the greeting. Though it had been seven months or so since Tina commanded the Nergal, the title came out pretty much automatically. Besides, Tina WAS still the captain, at least part time, of the Carrack Cruiser Gwar.

"Is there something I can get for you?" Tina asked.

"I'm afraid we're just here to see Geist," Master said. From the tone of his voice it was clear that he was here with a purpose.

"Okay," Tina said.

The trio approached the bar. Geist in the meanwhile was getting his tail kicked quite thoroughly by Talon.

"Are you sure you aren't cheating, Talon?" Geist asked.

"No more than you are, Geist," Talon said. "I'm just a better chess player than you."

Master cleared his throat to get Geist's attention.

Geist looked up from the chessboard. "What can I do for you?" he asked.

Master frowned. "You can start by telling me about the ancient evil I've been chasing," he said.

Talon looked up from the chessboard with alarm, as though Master merely mentioning the ancient evil might cause him to appear. Geist's face took on a look of dark brooding. "I don't think I know what you are talking about&"

"Save it," Master said, nodding to Argon and Stormie. "These two told me everything. You met your old master again mere days after Master Skywalker sensed the awakening of the ancient evil. We both know they have to be connected. You've had information I needed from the beginning, and you know it! If I'm going to deal with this ancient evil I need you to stop holding out on me!"

Geist shook his head. "You aren't ready," he said. "You have no idea what you're getting into&"

'Then tell me!" Master demanded.

It was Talon that finally agreed. "Very well," he said. "If you think you can handle it, if you think you are ready to learn the awful truth, we'll tell you about the ancient evil."

*****

They adjourned to Geist's study, and once everyone was comfortable in a recliner with a drink of their choosing, Geist began the tale.

"Master Happa," he began, "is very old."

"I can believe that," Master said. "If he is the same race as the great master Yoda, he could be centuries old."

"Older," Talon said.

Master blinked in surprise. "What? Just how old are we talking here?"

"Older than spaceflight," Geist said. "Older than almost all of man's achievements. He was old when humans stopped using animals as their primary form of motive power. He was around when gunpowder was only a fantasy. He has born many different names over the centuries, but he is otherwise little different now than when he was young."

"He is," Talon said, "to put it quite simply, the first."

"The first what?" Stormie asked.

"The first of what we would recognize as jedi," Geist said. "Are you familiar with the Takahashian Codex?"

Master's eye's widened in surprise and shock. "That work is a forbidden book!" he declared. "All jedi know of it, and know to avoid it! It is said that merely by reading it, a Jedi will be corrupted!"

Geist laughed.  "Of course the Jedi say that. It is them who would suffer the most were it to be revealed. In fact, the Takahashian Codex is far from a book of evil. It is merely a history text, detailing the history that the Jedi Order would prefer to be forgotten. It details the origins, the TRUE origins, of the Jedi themselves. It identifies the Anything Goes School as the first school of Jedi Arts, the prime school from which all jedi teachings have descended. It futher identifies the master of the school, the founder and true father of all Jedi, Master Happa."

The jaws of the audience dropped at that statement.

"I can't believe this," Master said. "You're saying that the ancient evil is in fact the very founder of the Jedi Order?"

"Long before there were Jedi," Talon said, "there were numerous disciplines that utilized what we would later call the force. The Takahashian Codex does not detail all of them, for that is impossible, there were simply too many to count. It does however identify several different disciplines, each of which influenced what would become the Jedi Arts. The path of Blue Thunder, for example, is said to be the guiding influence that led to Jedi using light sabers. The path of Discount is likewise the progenitor of the classic Jedi Mind Trick. Prime among these, however, was the Path of Hentai, what would later evolve into the Anything Goes School of Jedi Arts. In those early days, Master Happa was more than happy to take on new disciples. He taught them many techniques, though never enough for them to truly challenge him, and in return they helped him on his& hunting expeditions."

*****

A quick flashback to the distant past. An angry mob of young women chased three men through the streets of some town or other. One of these is the renowned Master Happa, the two others are disciples.

"What a haul!" Master Happa cried gleefully as he clutched his sack of ill gotten undies and ran from the angry mob.

"Master," one of the students said. "I do not mean to question you, but I don't understand how stealing women's underwear will help with our training&"

"Question not your master at a time like this, Ken my boy," Master Happa shouted back.

*****

"Umm& yeah," Geist said. "Early on everyone was happy. Happa got what he wanted out of the deal, and his students were usually either too dense to realize that he was evil incarnate or too disinterested to care. But these glory days couldn't last for him. As more of his students, as well as students of rival schools, realized what kind of man he was, they decided they had to oppose the master. Therefore they formed a new order, calling themselves Jedi. Though they considered themselves an independent force, they were more than willing to take many of his techniques for their own. In this way, his abilities and training founded the Jedi order. Armed with these skills, and dedicated to defeating the master, they launched a crusade against him. However, no Jedi could truly oppose master Happa. All who faced him were defeated. The males were subjected to hideous humiliation, and the females were thoroughly&well& felt up."

"Felt up?" Argon repeated with disbelief.

Talon and Geist nodded.

"Things only got worse for the Jedi order from there," Talon said. "Mayhem reigned as Happa exacted his diabolical revenge for the defiance of those who had once been his students."

*****

Once again, the distant past.

"I've got a hundred giant supremes for a Jedi Master Ken Tenku," a pizza delivery man said shortly after said Jedi Master opened the door to the Jedi Hall. Out on the street, a fleet of delivery trucks bearing every conceivable delivery item waited patiently.

"But I didn't order any pizzas," Master Tenku said. "You must have made some mistake."

"Yeah, buddy, sure," the delivery man said. "I don't want to hear it. I ain't leaving until I get paid for these hundred pizzas."

*****

"Diabolical revenge?" Argon asked as Talon recounted the tale.

"That was only the beginning," Geist said.

*****

Do I need to say we are in the past again?

The jedi hall was a riot of colors. The words buffoon, moron, dim bulb, idiot, were spray painted in all the colors of the rainbow on practically every surface of the compound.

On the plus side the training area had a new skylight. Actually, several oddly shaped little ones. Master Happa had taken a power saw to the roof, cutting the word pansy into it in ancient characters.

Jedi Master Ken Tenku sat at the table and tried to eat his meal in peace, despite the fact that there was an ancient little master of the Anything Goes school currently zipping all around the room with a footprint ink stamp leaving little ink dog footprints all over the place.

"Oh my," Jedi Master Haze Muriel said as she watched the growing chaos. "He is making an awful mess. Don't you think you should do something, Ken?"

Master Happa in the meanwhile stopped to draw on Ken's face with a felt pen.

*****

"You have got to be kidding me," Master said. When someone says ancient, primal evil, an old lecher that spray paints buildings and steals underwear isn't exactly the first thing that comes to mind.

"Scoff if you want," Geist said, "but through simple, elegant actions he brought the Jedi Order to its knees."

Talon nodded. "At that point there was nothing the Jedi Order could do to oppose their former master, so they were forced to beg his forgiveness. Had he wanted to, Happa could have wiped the Jedi Order from existence. Instead, he joined them."

Argon, Stormie, and Master blinked. "Huh?"

"But why?" Argon wanted to know.

"Free food," Geist said.

Argon, Stormie, and Master blinked again.

"Master Happa couldn't care less if they were called Jedi or if they were organized to specifically oppose him," Geist continued. "They had a temple, a kitchen staff, comfortable rooms, and most importantly of all, they lived in abject fear of him. He lived practically like a king. And the best part for him was that he could conduct his nightly panty raids safe in the knowledge that the Jedi Order would cover up his activities. By failing to defeat him and begging his forgiveness, the entire Jedi Order essentially became Master Happa's bitch."

"So they just put up with it?" Argon asked. "The Jedi Order that I spent so much time respecting just sat there and did nothing while Happa sponged off of them and fed his perversions from the locals?"

Talon nodded. "They could do nothing but try to cover up all the shameful secrets of their origins and their failure to subdue their progenitor. Their first act was to concoct a story about a fictional Jedi Master named Kuonji, identifying her as the true founder of the Anything Goes School, in the process covering up every single one of Master Happa's indiscretions. In the end the Takahashian Codex, set down on paper by an ancient master as old and as powerful as Happa, was the only remaining record of that dark secret."

Master shot to his feet. "I won't believe it!" he declared. "I refuse to believe that everything I have been taught is a lie! Master Skywalker wouldn't do that!"

"Master Skywalker knew nothing," Geist said. "Like a good little Jedi he did what he was told and never read the Takahashian Codex, and I can say without a doubt that his mentors wouldn't have told him one bit of this."

"How can you be so sure?" Stormie asked.

*****

Again, in the past, this time a bit before the battle of Endor.

Inside the hut on the swampy planet of Dagobah, Luke Skywalker had just seen his beloved master Yoda vanish, after speaking cryptically about there being another Skywalker before he "died".

A fair distance away, however, the reality was much different.

Master Yoda emerged from the Founding School of Anything Goes Jedi Arts Secret Technique: Dimensional Warp (better known as the dead jedi trick) and chuckled to himself.

"Finally free of the whiny brat I am," he said. "Leave me alone now, he will."

"Too soft you are, little brother," Master Happa said from his perch on a nearby log, where he sat calmly puffing on his pipe. "Told you all these years have I not that fear is a much better motivator than respect? Got a fancy title and a comfy chair out of the jedi order you did through respect. Food for life and women on demand I got from them through fear."

"Ask your opinion I did not," Yoda said. He had never gotten along very well with his older brother. "All Obiwan's  fault this is for dumping off that sissy on me."

"Oh hoho," Happa replied. "Obiwan's fault this is? Not Master Yoda's fault? Master 'I just want to be a respectable jedi' Yoda. Rather keep the indiscretions of your college years private you would. Remember I do you and that college sorority. Still has the pictures, Obiwan does?"

"Of course has the pictures Obiwan does," Yoda replied. "How did he convince me to take Luke off his hands did you think?"

"And you just decided to fake your death to skip out of it?" A new voice asked as the "ghost" of Obiwan Kenobi stepped into the clearing.

"Look who's talking," Yoda shot back.

"I will have you know that I am quite dead," Obiwan protested. "I have witnesses."

"Sure you do," Yoda said. "Disappeared without a trace you did." He chuckled. "Something like this I think it was. Now you see me, now you don't!"

Much as he had several minutes ago, Yoda vanished.

"Is classic ancient technique to step out of phase with reality," Yoda's ethereal voice said. "Developed it was to peek in girls locker room." He reappeared. "Think did you that just because you cover yourself with neat glowy paint that I would believe you were dead? Taught you better than that, Qui Gon did."

"Alright, fine," Obiwan admitted, frustrated. "I faked my death and dumped the little blaggart on you. What did you expect? He was so bloody whiny! 'I wanna come too, Alderaan is so far away, its so expensive, but they're gonna kill her', and on and on and on! I had half a mind to let Vader finish me off as it was! I figured it was better if you take care of him anyway, seeing as how its your fault that I had to spend all those years hiding out in a cave on that bleeding dustball&"

"Living on swamp planet no picnic for me either," Yoda said. "Besides, not my fault it was. All my older brother's fault for getting Palpatine so pissed off."

Happa frowned. "Such ungrateful siblings I have," he wailed in anguish. "Seem to remember I do a little incident that got the Anakin boy all upset."

"Well& well," Yoda stuttered, "Dwell not we should on who's fault this is. Find a good bar or a girl's sorority we should be doing. Free of the whiny little brat I am. Party like it's nineteen ninety nine I want to."

******

Master shot to his feet (again). "I can't believe you would slander one of the greatest Jedi who ever lived like this!"

Geist frowned. "You're interrupting, boy," he said. "You came to me wanting to know the truth. I told you you weren't ready and yet you insisted. Did you really think the world was as black and white as you'd been taught? The pure, virtuous jedi knight is a myth. There is a darkness at the core of every force user's soul that truly drives us and fuels our power. I rejected that darkness long ago and in doing so forever gave up any chance of ever becoming a true student of the force. Unless you want to do the same, you had better start listening. As long as you cling to the archaic principles of the Jedi Order you will never be able to face the master with any hopes of success."

"Yeah, sure," Master scoffed. "Dark jedi have been spouting that nonsense for centuries. You of all people should know that the dark side isn't really that strong, Geist."

"Who said anything about the dark side?" Geist said. "The source of a force user's power is nothing so mundane as the dark side."

"Fine," Master said. "Then what is it?"

Geist looked like he was about to answer, but then he stopped. He had a sad, almost disappointed look in his eyes. "You are not ready."

Master scowled. "You were so willing to talk before, why not just tell me now!"

Talon shook his head, answering for Geist. "We are done speaking of this matter for now. When you are ready, we will tell you what you need to know."

******

"Well, now what?" Stormtrooper 1026 asked as the trio stepped back into the nighttime streets of Endoven (does a domed compound even have nighttime streets?)

"We're back at square one," Argon said. "We don't have a clue about where to begin looking. For that matter, we don't really know what we're up against. Whether or not you buy that story Geist and Talon were offering us, the fact is that we are dealing with an ancient evil here, one that gave the most powerful Jedi in the Republic the screaming willies." He looked at Master. "Are you sure we are up to the task of beating him?"

Master didn't answer. He had calmed down some, but he was still running what Geist and Talon had told them through his head.

"Do you think they might have been telling the truth?" Stormie asked.

"No," Master said, though it sort of sounded like he was trying to convince himself. "I can't believe it. They might believe what they told us, but it just can't be true. It& it must have just been the Codex. Some kind of plot by old enemies to discredit the Jedi order, to turn their disciples against them."

"But what if it isn't?" Argon asked. "What about the war for Erebrian autonomy? What about the Jovians? We already know the Jedi order had something to do with covering up Master Happa's crimes in the past."

(Those who don't know what the war for Erebrian autonomy was obviously weren't paying attention when they were reading VIN. Naughty readers. You get no further explanation from me.)

"No we don't!" Master declared. "We don't know what happened then! There's no way to know what really happened during that war. All we have are the word of a self confessed evil mastermind and a nation bent on destroying the Empire."

It was clearly grasping at straws, but both Argon and Stormie could see the dramatic inner turmoil running through Master, so they said nothing more on the subject.

"Anyhow," Stormie said, "what do we do now? Like Argon said, we're really stuck without a clue."

"Yeah," Argon agreed. "It's not like the guy is just going to fall out of the sky or anything."

"What a haul!"

The trio turned at the sound of the ancient, Grover-like voice as Master Happa, founder of the Anything Goes School, Instigator of the Jedi Order, and self proclaimed Great Disturbance in the Force, landed not five meters away, a very large sack of women's unmentionables strapped to his back.



TO BE CONTINUED!

In one of the time honored methods of plot contrivance, our heroes find themselves face to face with Master Happa. But what will become of this? Is this series really destined for a mere two episodes, with everything wrapped up in short order, or will we stretch out the fighting to lengths that even Dragonball Z would fear to go to?

Or are they going to get their tails royally kicked, allowing us for some dramatic plot building as they try to find a way to defeat the greatest evil of the galaxy in a much later episode?

You'll just have to wait and see.


Next Episode: First Battle / A New Disciple