It is said that there is nothing more truly beautiful than two people who have decided to give their hearts and souls to each other always and forever, and Tina and Daishi have done just that.
Of course, they don’t really think we are going to let them inject romance into our epic sci-fi drama without a fight, do they?
VARNECK INHERITOR NERGAL
dubbed in English
Episode 20: Wedding Bells and Hand Grenades
EDITORS NOTES: o/~ indicates song lyrics. Why this exactly? How would I know?
CHAPTER ONE: Tell me again why I thought this was a good idea?
It began with Riel Fury.
He was walking alone, as he had been tending to do lately, thinking about all that had happened in the last few months. Thinking about his daughter.
Something had happened on distant Varneck. Nobody really knew what. Two months ago the full force of the Imperial and Invader fleets had clashed in orbit, with both sides virtually wiping each other out.
The Nergal and another, unknown warship had meanwhile fought just above the planetary surface.
Then the Nergal disappeared.
And the war, which had been running at such a fevered pitch, suddenly stopped.
Once again, nobody knew why, but the Invaders simply halted their campaign. They were in the midst of a massive retreat from imperial territory, leaving behind enormous amounts of hardware as they fled.
That was the second mystery. Imperial scientists now had a veritable treasure trove of invader technology to examine, left behind by retreating Jovians, but try as they might, they couldn’t get any of it to work. It was simply inert. Did this have something to do with the Nergal and her mysterious disappearance?
Riel Fury looked up into the night sky. “What has happened to you, Tina?” he wondered. “Will I ever see my daughter again?”
Well, yes, and sooner than he thought, for at this moment the aliens decided to abduct him.
*****
Riel Fury was just the first, however. Wuyap, the chief Gray, looked at his work schedule with a bit of displeasure. There was a time when Grays were feared, respected, and steadily employed throughout the galaxy. A time when he would never have to stoop to the level of a glorified limo driver. Alas, those times were gone. Aliens just weren’t sexy anymore, and whatever kept the scotch flowing was the job he had to do now, such as ferrying guests to a wedding. At least he wasn’t working birthday parties.
“Tell me again why we are doing this?” Wuyap asked his shop foreman.
“One hundred bottles of Coruscant special reserve,” the foreman said. “A seat on the bride’s side for each of us, and a chance to hit on all the hottie bridesmaids during the reception.”
Wuyap shook his head. “Oh how the mighty have fallen.”
“It sure ain’t like the old days,” the foreman agreed. “The good ole days where we wouldn’t even think of doing a job if we didn’t get at least one guest shot on the X-Files for it. Then Ducovny left and messed everything up…”
*****
“Just shoot me now and get it over with,” Daishi said as he slumped against the bar, mentally and physically exhausted.
It wasn’t combat action that had Daishi so worn out. The Nergal was currently somewhere in the outer rim, well away from any hostile forces. Heck, they hadn’t even seen an invader or imperial ship since escaping from Varneck two months ago. No, what had Daishi so wasted was something far more basic.
He was engaged to marry a total spaz.
Daishi had no idea how much preparation was involved in the simple process of standing before a minister and pledging yourself to someone for all eternity, especially when that particular someone happened to be Tina.
“What the hell do I know about what centerpieces would look good for the reception?” he demanded. “I’m a soldier, not a florist!”
Geist, in the meanwhile, tried not to chuckle maniacally as he brought Daishi some water and a couple aspirin.
“And then there’s photographers, and caterers, and an orchestra,” Daishi continued to rant. “For crying out loud, we’re on a warship! You know how much the ninjas have been jacking up their prices ever since they got unionized. It’s not like I’m even drawing a paycheck anymore since we went rogue! I make an innocent little suggestion about using the security system for photographs, and she gets all pissed! She starts telling me that I’m not taking this seriously!”
It was becoming increasingly difficult for Geist to hold back his chuckles.
Daishi looked up at Geist. “Do you think I would ask Tina to marry me if I wasn’t DAMN serious about it? That just isn’t something you jump into on a whim!”
“So if it aggravates you so much,” Geist asked, “why are you marrying her?”
“BECAUSE I LOVE HER, DAMNIT!” Daishi shouted.
Geist smiled. “Fair enough. Listen, tomorrow is your bachelor party. A few weeks of unrestrained R&R is just what you need before the big day.”
“Umm, Geist,” Daishi said, “my wedding is the next day. How exactly do you get a few weeks from twenty four hours?”
Geist shook his head. “Here he discovers an incredible new super ability and he doesn’t know how to abuse it,” he said. “The time differential, my boy. Thanks to the miracle of bosan jumping, we could be out for decades and still get you back in time for your funeral…”
“You mean wedding, I hope,” Daishi said.
“Take it from a married man, old friend,” Geist replied, “it’s really a matter of perspective.”
*****
Stormie-chan sat in her quarters and wept.
He was gone. How could he have been taken away from her like that? Stormie-chan shook her fist at the heavens, raging against whatever forces there were out there that controlled the fates of man and woman. To let a man and woman experience true love, and then to so cruelly strike one of them down… Truly any supreme being that existed in this universe had to be a monster.
Stormie-chan didn’t think she could go on. In fact, she knew she couldn’t. Not after this.
“I’ll see you again, my dear Joe,” she said as she raised a blaster pistol to her head. “Soon we will be together again, my love.”
Somewhere, in the back of her mind, a voice that belonged to the man who was part owner of this body pleaded with her to stop, but she paid him no heed. You know, if you think about it, Stormie-chan is really sorta a selfish *****.
She closed her eyes, a single tear running down her cheek, and pulled the trigger.
There was a flash of light, a spray of brains and other head parts.
And Stormie suddenly realized he wasn’t dead.
He stood over the dead form of Stormie-chan, her head had a new skylight, but he was fine.
“Am I a ghost or something?” he wondered. He reached out and tried to touch the wall.
And succeeded. He was solid. Meanwhile the corpse of Stormie-chan was fading into oblivion.
“Wait a minute!” He ran over to the minibar and grabbed a bottle of cold fizzy glug. Holding his breath, he dumped the contents of the bottle on himself.
And didn’t change.
“I’m cured!” he cried in triumph. “Never gonna be a girl again!”
A short jig followed. Once the euphoria had a chance to die down, Stormie remembered to spare a moment to mourn the death of Stormie-chan. None of this was her fault after all. He hoped her spirit would find rest somewhere.
“Now that I think about it,” he said, “that had to be one of the sickest, most lame assed contrived ways to ever resolve a plot point.” He shook his head. “She had so much still to live for, she was a strong woman, and she just shoots herself because her boyfriend got whacked? And somehow that magically cures me? Talk about your sloppy writing.”
Well excuse me for curing you!
*****
VE high council meetings had gotten real weird these last few months.
For one thing, for some reason they always took place in a pitch black room now. The only illumination in the room came from colored lights in front of each committee… err… council member. For another thing, they seemed to have gotten into a habit of referring to each other by number rather than name.
“Geist has gone too far this time,” VE 01 (aka Kadann) said. “The purpose of the Special Projects Division was to fulfill the scenario developed by this committee.”
“But Geist has instead decided to forge ahead on his own,” VE 03 (Spartacus) said. “These actions were not foretold in the Xebec Discs.”
“It was not the intention of this committee to create a living god!” VE 02 (Threeof4) declared.
VE 04 (Fury) turned to look at his esteemed colleague. “Huh?”
“Sorry,” VE 02 said, “I got caught up in the ambiance. Anyway… ”
“We cannot allow this disobedience to continue,” VE 01 said. “It is time we settled matters with Geist.”
“Ooh! I know!” VE 03 said. “We could see about bringing in a supernatural being who will infiltrate the Nergal and merge with another supernatural being, therefore bringing about the evangelizing of mankind!”
Things got real quiet around the table.
“Umm, how about not,” VE 01 said.
“Why don’t we just storm the Nergal and take what we want?” VE 04 asked.
“Sounds like a good idea to me,” VE 02 said.
“Seems like a winner,” VE 01 agreed.
“I still like my idea,” VE 03 complained.
*****
Meanwhile, the guests began arriving.
An ad-hoc greeting party consisting of Tina, Daishi, Geist, a writer in a black hat, and Ruri were on hand when the Grays’ flying saucer, the SS Truth is Out There, landed in the Nergal’s aft hangar bay.
Admittedly, some of them were nervous. Well, two of them at least. Tina shifted uneasily from one foot to the other, waiting for her daddy to step off the UFO (do you still call it that when you know what it is?). She really didn’t know what he would have to say to her when she dropped this bombshell on him.
Geist, for his part, was just anxious to see his wife again. They spent far too much time apart these days (one of the reasons that Geist had wanted to retire). He didn’t think he’d mention to her about him trying to erase himself from existence.
The ramp of the flying saucer lowered with spooky slowness and lots of cool eerie music and dry ice effects. It was a built in feature from back in the glory days of the Grays for when they needed to spook an Iowa farmboy.
First to come down the ramp was Mellisaa Geist. The woman showed very little of her fifty two years as she smiled warmly for her husband.
Geist returned the smile. If there was ever a reason to not alter history, it would be this woman standing before him right here.
“Hi honey,” he said. “Miss me?”
“Not a bit,” Mellisaa returned just before she wrapped her arms around her husband and planted a long, deep, passionate kiss on his lips, one he eagerly returned.
Daishi scratched his head. “Jeeze, and the guy complains about how me and Tina carry on,” he said to himself.
Riel Fury was next down the ramp. His expression brightened considerably when he saw Tina. “TINA!” he cried.
Tina ran to give her father a great big hug. “DADDY!” she squealed in delight.
The pair hugged joyfully. “I was so worried about you, Tina,” Riel Fury said. “What happen? Why did you bring us here?”
Tina sighed in happiness, “Oh father, something wonderful has happened…”
While Tina began her roundabout explanation, two more people marched down the ramp, two people who made Ruri’s eyes widen in surprise.
“Captain? Mr. Tenkawa?” she uttered.
The two strangers seemed somewhat out of place, their uniforms were completely unfamiliar, and you could say that they looked almost… animated. However, in some strange way, they just seemed to fit in.
“Why did you bring them here?” Ruri asked Geist.
“Wasn’t my idea,” Geist said, briefly breaking away from his wife’s lips to nod at the last member of the welcoming committee. “It was his. Said something about you needing a ride home after the wedding.”
Ruri looked over at the writer in the black hat, who cringed in anticipation of getting hit again. Instead, she just smiled in gratitude for his single act of consideration for her during this entire series.
These two new visitors, whom you may think of as Yurika Misumaru and Akito Tenkawa, had a peculiar way of interacting. The woman’s doting affection on her companion, and the growing frustration of said companion, was strangely reminiscent of…
Let’s just say it was really creeping Daishi out right now.
“Is that really what me and Tina act like?” he said to himself.
“Not really,” Ruri said. “Right now you two are carrying on like a couple teenagers in heat.”
And speaking of Tina…
“YOU’RE MARRYING WHO!?!?!?!?” Riel Fury shouted. It seems he took the news better than expected.
“That’s right, father,” Tina said dreamily. “He was just so wonderful… He told me how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me…”
“But…but…but…” Riel Fury sputtered, “he’s a scoundrel, a malcontent, a cold killer…”
“Yes he is,” Tina said with a content sigh, “my cold killer.”
“But Tina,” Riel Fury protested, “you’re too young to be making this big of a decision…”
“I’m three hundred years old, Daddy,” Tina replied, irritated.
“Well, yes, in one sense that is true, but…”
“Robert and I love each other,” Tina said. “That love will not be restrained.”
Riel Fury growled in frustration and glared at Geist.
“This is all your fault!” he declared. “This would never have happened if you hadn’t let my daughter spend time with that malcontent…”
Geist ignored Riel Fury’s complaints, focusing instead on kissing his wife some more.
Even more frustrated, Riel Fury turned his attention to Daishi.
“I’m going to kick your ass from one end of this ship to the other!” he said, then seemed to offer his own form of concession. “And if you don’t be one damn good husband to my little girl I’m going to do a whole lot worse to you.”
Meanwhile, the rest of the guests disembarked.
“Kuroshi!” Daishi called as his clone stepped down the ramp, “I almost thought you wouldn’t make it!”
“You kidding?” Kuroshi, looking pretty much like Daishi in a spiffy white suit, asked. “There is no way I’m gonna miss this.”
It is worth pointing out that Tina briefly seemed to be more than a little thrilled at seeing two Roberts on the Nergal, which raises some interesting philosophical questions about clones, marriage, infidelity, and…
Hmm… perhaps we should just be moving along.
*****
The rest of the day passed pretty much uneventfully. The big event of the day was a fascinating philosophical debate at Uncle Yo-sims over the nature of clones and whether they were separate individuals with their own independent personalities, or whether all clones shared one single personality, in a sense one single unifying soul simply copied several times over.
For if all clones of an individual have that person’s underlying core personality, then it could be said that any bonds any one clone, or the original, make are equally valid for every other clone. In other words, if a man is truly and utterly in love with a woman, and if we subscribe to the old romantic’s theory that true love is something far deeper and more pure than mere instinct, emotion, or social conditioning, then it could be further postulated that the man’s love for the woman will be felt by all of his clones, and furthermore, the woman’s love for the man applies equally to any and indeed all of his clones.
Obviously the debaters were considering Tina and Daishi’s relationship in this matter, not to mention the [ahem!] consequences of their marriage, and what this could mean for Kuroshi.
I believe it was Master who summed things up the best.
“Don’t go there, Talon.”
And neither shall we.
*****
And while this debate went on, a woman ran into her clone in a random corridor.
“Hello, Aku,” Mellisaa said coldly.
“Why hello, Mellisaa dear,” her doppelganger replied. “The years certainly haven’t been kind to you.”
“What are you doing here, Aku?” Mellisaa asked. “I know what you have been trying to do. You can’t hide behind that gentle, polite façade around me.”
Aku smiled. “I just don’t know what you are talking about,” she said. “I’m just a girl trying to make her way in the world.”
“No,” Mellisaa replied. “You are an abominable construct created to be some old pervert’s private toy who’s probably murdered thousands in order to get what she wants.” She smiled her own smile. “But it didn’t work, did it? Daishi is marrying Tina in two days, not you.”
“I couldn’t care less what he is doing,” Aku said indignantly. “As for Tina, we will just have to wait and see what happens, won’t we?”
The implications of that statement would be clear to anyone with two brain cells. Those who thought that Aku was just a nice, innocent girl have obviously not been paying attention to all the times I described her as EVIL.
“No,” Mellisaa said. “We won’t. I’m giving you this chance to get off the Nergal. Take it, while you still can.”
“Oh, dear me, Mellisaa,” Aku said. “I do believe you are threatening me.” She laughed. “I know you far too well. You couldn’t bring yourself to harm another human being, even your own evil clone.”
“But I can,” another voice said. “Especially my wife’s evil clone.”
Aku spun around and found herself confronted by Geist.
“Time for you to leave, Aku,” he said. “Whether you leave on your own or if I have the pleasure of making you disappear, it makes no difference to me.”
Aku just stood there glaring at Geist with pure loathing in her eyes.
*****
The dinner special for the day at the cafeteria was burgers. Many who ate there commented on the quality of the meal, and the Deathwookiee maintained that it was because the meat for the burgers was freshly ground.
Several notable members of the crew, on the other hand, instead feasted on noodles from the vending machine.
A notice was also posted on the bulletin board that Aku Koibito had stepped down as communications officer in order to pursue “other endeavors”. The rumor was that she was going into the food industry.
Did you ever have a feeling that you’re going straight to hell?
*****
CHAPTER TWO: No, we’re not picking on the French… really.
The Republic of Fecnar is a medium sized country on an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet orbiting a small, unregarded yellow sun in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy.
Fecnar’s major exports are wine, cheese, military weapons, arrogance, and self importance.
Fecnar hasn’t been successfully involved in a war in roughly two hundred years, however a quirk concerning how what passes for their world government was formed, not to mention a small stockpile of weapons of mass destruction and a centuries long tradition of total arrogance, has left them with undeniable delusions of adequacy.
Delusions which were about to be smashed rather completely.
*****
In the town of Pomme de Pomme, in the rough approximation of the town square, there was a blinding light. All around, citizens cowered in fear, wondering what terrible misfortune was about to befall their fair town.
Suddenly the light vanished. In its place stood about a hundred men, the entire male complement of the Imperial warship Nergal, along with guests.
“Well, here we are,” Geist announced.
“Just where is here?” Riel Fury asked.
“The town of Pomme de Pomme in the Republic of Fecnar,” Kevin said. Though Geist handled the transportation, the destination for this bachelor’s party had been Kevin’s idea as Daishi’s best man. “One of the most conceited places in existence. Fortunately, they also have some of the best dancing girls in the known galaxy and plenty of good wine. I have no doubt we’ll find plenty to entertain ourselves.”
Daishi looked at the town around him. He suddenly had a feeling that this was going to be a memorable trip.
Kevin in the meanwhile mounted his trusty droid Sparky and imperiously pointed his lightsaber at the nearest saloon.
“Forward, comrades, for wine, women, and debauchery await us!”
*****
Back on the Nergal, Tina sat and fretted at her bridge station.
All the preparations were complete. The ninja orchestra had been hired, the Deathwookiee girls had all the catering under control (with a people-free meal plan I might add), the grand ballroom was all set up, the seating chart was all worked out, a photographer (also ninja) had been hired, Tina’s traditional wedding kimono (somehow it just had to be a kimono) was ready… there really wasn’t anything to fret over.
And yet Tina fretted.
“I’m just certain that there’s something I’ve forgotten,” she said.
“You should try to relax, captain,” Ruri said from her station. While everybody else was caught up in this whole wedding nonsense, someone had to keep the Nergal running. That someone was, as always, Ruri.
“Ruri,” Tina said suddenly, “do you think I’m making a mistake?”
Ruri shook her head. “Please don’t involve me in your pre-wedding jitters captain,” she said.
“But,” Tina said, her voice becoming increasingly panicked, “what if I don’t make Robert a good wife? What if I can’t please him? What if I can never provide for him like a wife should…”
“Please stop captain,” Ruri said. “You’re giving me a headache.”
*****
Meanwhile…
Actually, meanwhile is not the proper term. Though the men of the Nergal would, from the point of view of the Nergal, be gone for about an hour, because of the time differential they would be out for days, weeks, or even months before heading back. As a result, there is no real way to correlate time during their escapade with time on the Nergal, therefore meanwhile is a term that has no use.
Anyhow, as the men of the Nergal enjoyed a bevy of busty, unclad women gyrating around poles and such, Daishi got hit by his own wave of jitters.
“Geist,” he said, leaning over to his old friend, “do you think I’m making a…”
Geist raised one hand to silence Daishi. “Dai,” he said, “I’ve got a glass of eight year old scotch in my hand and a rather nice lady shaking her talents on stage in front of me. What makes you think I want to hear about your pre-wedding jitters?”
“Here here,” Talon said. The three of them, along with Riel Fury, Kevin, and Kuroshi, were sitting at the same table. It was a table for the old veterans, the men who didn’t need to be at the front of the action with credits at ready to stuff into the g-strings. No, these were men who could appreciate the subtle… art form, true connoisseurs who judged the ladies on their skill and had their underlings distribute reward as appropriate.
“You just be good to my little girl,” Riel Fury said, “or I’ll kill you in the most horrible way I can think of.”
“Any man who believes without a doubt that he will be the perfect husband is wrong,” Geist said. “On the other hand, if you’re sitting here spazing about whether or not you will be a good husband when you should rightly be admiring what that lass is doing right now with that pole, you’ll do just fine. So stop fretting and enjoy yourself.”
Daishi thought about Geist’s words. There might have been a great deal of wisdom in the old soldier’s words. Besides, the scotch was good, and the stripper really was talented. Still, his mind weighed heavily. Even if his jitters had been banished, there was still the ongoing war to get him down. “I wish we could have accomplished something on Varneck,” he said. “Hiding out in the outer rim while the epsilon sector burns just feels wrong to me.”
“You mean you haven’t heard?” Kuroshi asked, surprised.
“Heard what?”
“The war is over,” Riel Fury said. “The Invaders gave up the fight shortly after the battle of Varneck.”
“WHAT?” Daishi, Talon, and Kevin uttered simultaneously.
“That’s right,” Kuroshi said. “They’ve abandoned all of their gains and headed back home. Everything is pretty quiet right now.”
Geist smiled enigmatically.
“But how could this be?” Daishi wanted to know. “What would make them just give up like this?”
“We don’t know,” Riel Fury said. “They seem to have lost all of their offensive capabilities, and we just don’t know how or why.”
Geist slipped a small ceramic square out of his shirt pocket and made a great show of studying it enigmatically.
Talon’s eyes widened when he saw what Geist was holding. “That can’t be…”
“Yes it can,” Geist said. “Jay gave it to me before we left Varneck.”
“What’s going on?” Daishi asked. “What is it?”
“YOU MEAN YOU’VE BEEN CARRYING THE DAMN THING AROUND IN YOUR POCKET FOR THE LAST TWO MONTHS!?!?” Talon yelled.
Geist nodded cheerfully.
“What is it?” Daishi asked again.
“It’s the main control computer for the ancient ruins,” Geist said. “This little bugger is responsible for regulating all retarded and advanced wave manipulation that takes place anywhere and anywhen in the universe.”
Everybody else’s jaws dropped in surprise.
“I didn’t really know what it was at first,” Geist said. “It took me a while to begin to puzzle out its secrets, and even now I’m nowhere near able to use it to full effect, but I was able to disconnect the Invaders from it, essentially rendering their technology inert. It’s surprisingly user friendly, though the holographic interface tends to freeze up when you least want it to.”
With an almost imperceptible move of a finger, Geist activated the control computer. A holoimage appeared above the square, showing a cryptic logo featuring some kind of four color flag and a caption:
MICROSOFT WINDOWS 98
“Oh my god!” Talon uttered.
*****
Several thousand years ago, a young boy named Jay wandered through a Varneck like he had never known. He held on to the citrus fruit that Mr. Lee had given him. It was familiar, safe, the only thing he could really grasp that seemed right in this nightmarish alien place he had found himself in.
Everywhere around him were holographic signs proclaiming the slogans of this alien civilization. “Where do you want to go today?” “Linux is Counter-Revolutionary.” “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” “Steve Jobbs eats children and steals social security checks from old women.” “Netscape is the tool of Satan.”
Plastered on every wall was the face of their Nerd God Emperor. Beneath the massive holoposters was the caption BILL IS WATCHING YOU.
*****
Everyone else at the table listened in stark terror as Geist related his experience in the ancient city.
“Most of their civilization had already collapsed before I arrived there,” he said. “Some kind of massive disaster they called the blue screen of death. What few survivors there were gave me this control computer to give to myself. I guess they decided that I could make the best use of it.”
“So that’s it,” Daishi said. “All this fighting was over a little ceramic square.”
“A little ceramic square that gives its possessor the power of a living god,” Talon pointed out. He then got a whole lot… friendlier. “Hey, Geist, old friend,” he said. “Why don’t I get you another drink and we can talk about old time…”
“You can’t have it, Talon.” Geist said.
“Damn.”
*****
The bachelor party was pretty sedate for the first two days. However, as with all things, attrition would take its toll. After two days of nonstop partying, the town of Pomme de Pomme had been nearly drained of alcohol and the attitudes of the locals began to wear on the men of the Nergal.
What happened next was only a matter of time.
Pomme de Pomme was burning as the men of the Nergal slouched intoxicated down the road leading to the next town a day later, drinking up the last of the booze as they stumbled along and telling any Fecnarian they came across to go **** off. It’s worth noting that the horde of drunks currently advancing through the Fecnarian countryside wasn’t really mad at the citizens of this country, and indeed they told everyone they met to **** off with a great deal of cheer. Also, nobody was really sure what had happened to Pomme de Pomme. It was generally agreed that the Deathwookiee had been offended by some arrogant Fecnarian who had made disparaging comments about his hair gel and it had just snowballed from there. Then again, everyone was just too plain drunk to be sure.
Indeed, they were just out looking for more dancing girls, more alcohol, and more fun, taking what they could of each from whatever town they came to (which admittedly had a rather negative affect on the town). It was the Fecnarians that decided to escalate matters.
A state of emergency was declared and multiple armored divisions were deployed across the imperials’ line of advance, with orders to stop the rampaging men by any means necessary.
By day four, the men of the Nergal had met the first armored division, the result being a disaster for the Fecnar military when the division’s wine stores were overrun by drunken imperials. The tragic loss of the division wine supply resulted in the unit being driven from the field of battle before the might of the men of the Nergal, many of whom were having trouble standing.
Other divisions that moved in to block the Imperials suffered the same fate over the next five days. One unit surrendered when an annoyed, drunk, and thoroughly depressed Narm Greyrunner put their reserve ammunition stockpiles to the torch, all the while wailing about the loss of his beloved Tina. The other imperials described this event as “one mighty fine fireworks display.”
With their army utterly unable to stop the Imperials, the government of Fecnar petitioned the world government for support. However, since nobody liked Fecnar anyway, it was deemed an internal matter.
With no other recourse left, the Fecnar government sent emissaries to the Imperials (who were busy conducting tank races using captured Fecnar equipment), demanding that they withdraw or face a strike by weapons of mass destruction.
The response, delivered by a very drunk Riel Fury, was a cheerful “Go **** off.”
The Fecnar threat soon proved to be a hollow one. Though the march of the drunken imperials had caused all kinds of havoc, nobody yet had actually died. The local government was simply unwilling to pop a nuke on a bunch of drunken revelers and kill thousands of their own civilians in the process.
Unmolested, the imperials staggered into the capital by day twelve.
*****
“This bar is pretty good,” Master slurred as nearby Narm demonstrated his new favorite game.
“Kick the froggie!” Narm said as he kicked a local in the groin.
“Not a bar,” Geist said. He was nearly passed out, lying on one of the long tables, but he was vaguely coherent. “Parliament building.”
“Whatever,” Master said as he took another pull from the bottle. “The wine is good.”
Currently there were a fair number of strippers dancing around on most of the tables, Narm was teaching his new game to some of the meaner drunks, and Ray Baker (remember him?) was on top of the prime minister’s desk wearing a cute blue dress and singing a touching song he had apparently somehow learned from Ruri.
o/~ ienai kimochi o daita mama
o/~ kono mune ni anata michitekuru
o/~ dakedo setsunakute kurushii omoi naki dashisou
o/~ kanojo o mitsumeru sono hitomi
o/~ towa yuru ga nai ki ga suru no
o/~ demo ne, sukoshi dake . . . honno sukoshi dake kono watashi mite yo
o/~ moshi dare yori mo hayaku anata ni deatte itanara
o/~ omou mama ni negau mama ni koi o shita deshou ka
“He sings good,” Master said. “He’s really got the legs for that dress too.”
“Didn’t notice,” Geist said.
“What’s up with Narm?” Master asked. All the alcohol seemed to have depressed his ability to stay on one topic.
“Sad,” Geist said. “Depressed. Tina getting hitched. Not him. Makes him cranky.”
“Tina’s getting married?” Master asked as though this was a new thing. “This calls for a toast!”
He tipped the bottle back, way back, to get the last drop from it, and promptly fell out of his chair.
“Youngins,” Geist said, “can’t hold their lick… liquor.” He then promptly passed out.
*****
Roughly an hour after they had left (Nergal Time) the men of the Nergal reappeared in the ship’s observation lounge. From their point of view, their escapade had lasted about twenty days, the last eight of them in the capital enjoying everything it had to offer. The riot/invasion/party had ended pretty much anticlimactically. Once the alcohol ran out and everyone started to sober up, they just left.
Tina was waiting for them when they returned, and she seemed shocked at the state of the celebrants. Of course, anyone coming off of a twenty day bender which included seven major military engagements (of sorts) and marching across a medium sized country isn’t going to look all that well.
"Just what did you guys get into?" She asked.
The men just chuckled amongst themselves while Geist fished a note out of his remaining undamaged pocket and handed it to Tina.
"From the Prime Minister of the Republic of Fecnar," he said.
"To the Captain of the Imperial Warship Nergal," Tina read, "In regards to the conduct of your personnel during their recent visit to our state. After careful deliberation among the planetary government we have decided to lodge a formal protest with the Imperial Government for the conduct of your officers, and will seek reparations for the following crimes."
“Destruction of the town of Pomme de Pomme?” Tina continued, reading the first entry on a rather long list.
“Umm… yeah,” the Deathwookiee said. “That one was my bad.”
“Looting of the Lord Governor’s mansion?”
“Well, you see…” Stormie said, “we ran out of cash for the strippers, and its not like the guy didn’t have loads of money to spare anyway…”
“Causing a Nerf stampede through the main street of the capital?”
“That is a mischaracterization,” Talon said. “It was just a harmless Nerf race. Besides, I wouldn’t call a mere three or four thousand head of Nerf a real stampede.”
“Severe damage to several army divisions?!?”
“Now wait just a minute!” Geist protested. “We were just passing through and they jumped us! All we really did was borrow some wine.”
“And hold tank races,” Riel Fury pointed out.
“That too.”
“HOLDING THE CAPITAL CITY HOSTAGE?!?!” Tina cried.
“We did not!” Master protested. “All we did was storm the capitol building and demand to know where the dancing girls were. It’s not like we demolished everything and drove their army out at saber point!”
“Yes it was,” Narm said.
“Oh, yeah, forgot.”
"Our government will be seeking reparations totaling 6,000,000,000 imperial credits,” Tina read, skipping past the numerous other crimes on the list, “and furthermore you are hereby on notice that should your crewmen come within ten light-years of our world again, it will be considered an act of war."
"Signed, Marquis de Escargot, Prime minister of Fecnar." Tina looked up from the letter with a very... ummm... lets just say a very displeased look. "So, I take it you boys had a grand old time?"
Well, there was no way around it, was there? Their drunken escapade had lain waste to a medium sized country, and now it was time for the men of the Nergal to pay the piper.
Then Daishi stepped forward.
"Darling," he said to Tina, taking her in his arms, "I missed you so much!" He then kissed her, giving it all he had.
Once they finally broke from the kiss, Tina seemed to have forgotten something. "Oh Robert," she said, "You've made me the happiest woman in the universe!"
"No, dearest," Daishi replied while his comrades in destruction made a break for it, "that comes tomorrow."
*****
Meanwhile, there was something else, something big, something ominous, coming.
*****
CHAPTER THREE: Daishi’s big fat Imperial wedding
Today was, to use a cliché, the big day.
The grand ballroom of the Nergal, decorated in all the traditional trappings of a wedding, was packed with guests. Almost the entire crew of the Nergal had turned out for this day, the only exception being Ruri, who was responsible for keeping an eye on the ship while everyone else was off duty. Though publicly she was very happy to get out of attending the wedding, privately the whole thing didn’t annoy her half as much as she claimed, and she made sure to have a small holoimage of the event playing just above her consol.
Daishi stood at the end of the aisle, just before the stage, in tux and dark glasses, feeling incredibly nervous and incredibly hung over in equal measures. This was the big day. No turning back after this. This was quite possibly the most monumental step he had ever taken in his life, it was heady stuff.
Kevin, Daishi’s best man, stood at the groom’s right hand, wearing a T-shirt, jeans, and a necktie knotted poorly around his neck. After his return to the Nergal, it had become virtually impossible to get the admiral to take anything seriously.
At the stage stood Geist in his position as minister, resplendent in the ceremonial Hawaiian shirt of the Corellian Church of Shinto Catholicism (a radical offshoot of the more mainstream Buddhist Catholic Church). Somehow it hadn’t surprised anyone to learn that Geist was an ordained priest in addition to everything else, and there wasn’t anyone else that Tina would have to perform the ceremony.
It was time. On cue, Kuroshi (who was responsible for conducting the orchestra of ninja) struck up the band. They began playing Marche Slave.
(What? You were expecting maybe the wedding march? Silly readers!)
The doors to the grand ballroom swung open noiselessly and Tina, on the arm of her father and followed by Narm, who was her maid of honor (its amazing what the kid will do for Tina if she just asks him nicely), began walking down the aisle.
When Daishi saw Tina, he nearly gasped at her beauty (face it, there’s just something about a nice kimono that makes girls look pretty). The love the two shared resonated almost physically, and all nervousness was banished. In that instant, they knew that this was the day, and it was RIGHT.
And then the General Alarm went off.
“Emergency alert,” Ruri announced over the comm system. “A fleet of imperial star destroyers and interdictor cruisers has entered the system and is demanding that we power down and surrender.”
Argon stood up. “What a rotten time for them to show up,” he said. “Let’s get to battle stations everyone.”
“But… but…” Tina protested. “The happiest day of my life…”
Daishi stopped to give Tina a quick peck on the cheek. “Guess we’re gonna have to continue this later, dear.” He then took off to the hangar bay, followed by Talon, Narm, and the En Pee Sees. All around Tina the crew of the Nergal was pouring out of the ballroom, on their way to their battle stations.
“My… my happy day…” She stuttered, now virtually alone in the ballroom. She suddenly growled in frustration, focusing on the only other person still in the room. “IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!” she shouted as she kicked a writer in a black hat several times in the shins. She then stomped off to the bridge.
*****
Fifteen hatavs launched from the Nergal’s hangar, ready to intercept the approaching imperial fighters.
“Are you sure we can trust them?” Daishi asked One, referring to Talon and the hatavs that used to be from the Anu.
“Hey,” Talon said from the cockpit of his hatav, “I may be an evil mastermind who started a war in order to enrich himself, but even I have standards. Attacking in the middle of a wedding is just plain bad form.”
“Fine, fine, whatever,” One said, “but why is the XO here?”
Narm sounded downright homicidal when he replied, his hatav quickly moving into the lead. “I’m doing this for my Tina,” he declared. “How dare they interfere with Tina’s special day! SQUADRON, ATTACK!!”
The hatavs plunged into combat with the imperial starfighters.
*****
“Whoa,” Argon and Tycho both said as they watched Narm wail on the enemy with reckless abandon.
“Mr. Greyrunner has broken through the enemy fighter screen and is continuing to advance,” Ruri reported. “The other hatavs are currently engaged with the remaining fighters and are unable to support him.”
“The madman is taking on the entire fleet by himself,” Merrick said.
“But why?” Tina asked, genuinely confused. “Narm has to know that he can’t defeat them on his own. Why would he put himself in such horrible danger like that?”
The entire bridge crew gave Tina a dumbfounded look.
“Why captain,” Tycho said. “Isn’t his heart there for everyone to see?”
“Huh?” Tina asked, her face completely devoid of comprehension.
Tycho was about to respond, then he realized something. She really wouldn’t understand. What a bloody ditz! “Forget I said anything, captain,” he said.
*****
Six star destroyers were currently trying really hard to kill Narm right now. A literal hail of turbolaser beams was flying at him, but he dodged every one of them with an agility and skill that defied all laws of man and nature.
“That’s all I want to do,” he mumbled to himself, “to serve my Tina. I would die to protect you, Tina!”
He transferred all power from his weapons to his engines, and his hatav zoomed further into the gauntlet, his course aimed squarely at the largest imperial star destroyer.
“TINA!” he cried, “FOR YOU!”
Seeing his intent, the very laws of reality ducked for cover.
*****
One of the star destroyers exploded, torn apart by a very small craft ripping through it like a hypervelocity projectile.
“Narm!” Daishi cried. “You idiot! What did you think you were doing!”
“Oh my god!” One said, “I’m still picking up life signs from his hatav, he’s alive!”
“How is that possible?” Talon asked. “No human could have survived something like that.”
Reality poked its head out from behind its metaphysical rock, wondering if it was over yet.
*****
Narm’s hatav drifted among the wreckage of the star destroyer, pretty much nonfunctional.
“Umm… maybe that wasn’t so good of an idea after all,” he said to himself. “Now what do I do?”
*****
“If he was going to do something stupid like that anyway, the least he could have done was take out an interdictor,” Argon complained.
“Enemy ships are launching reserve fighters,” Ruri reported. “They are closing in on us. The hatav wing is being pushed back.”
“Dude,” Kevin said.
“After all the fighting we’ve been through already,” Argon said, “I don’t think we can take all of them.”
“We’ll have to try to take out the interdictors,” Tina said, all business even though she was still wearing her wedding kimono. “Stormie, all engines ahead full.”
“Yes ma’am,” Stormie replied.
“Ruri,” Tina continued, “have the hatavs form a defensive screen. Make sure they concentrate on intercepting inbound warheads. Our compression field might not be up to the task anymore. Prepare the munchion cannon for firing.”
“Aye,” Ruri acknowledged.
The Nergal plunged into battle.
*****
The fighting was a bloody mess. There was simply no way around the fact that the Imperial fighters outnumbered the Nergal’s hatavs by about ten to one, and though many of these fighters were unshielded TIEs that exploded really good if you hit them right, the shear number was more than enough to saturate the Nergal’s defenses, raining warheads down on the battered old girl.
“Compression field integrity is now fifteen percent,” Ruri reported. “I have reports of damage from multiple sections.”
“This is bad,” Argon said.
“Maintain course!” Tina ordered. “We can still get out of this if we can take out that interdictor!”
“Distance to target is now two point five kilometers,” Ruri reported. “The enemy warships are opening fire.”
Hundreds of turbolaser blasts began striking the Nergal’s compression field. Though weak, the field was still able to shrug off the energy blasts with little problem.
“Engage the munchion cannon!” Tina ordered.
Several things happened in rapid succession.
Another wave of warheads hit the Nergal.
The compression field collapsed.
The ship’s main power system died.
The munchion cannon didn’t fire.
“What happened!” Tina demanded.
“Main power has failed, captain,” Ruri reported. “The enemy fleet has ceased firing and is demanding our surrender.”
“So that’s it, is it?” Tycho asked. “You know, when this whole thing started I never thought it would end like this.”
“Who said it’s over?” Tina suddenly asked, looking like she just had one of her really ‘brilliant’ ideas. “Now it’s time to drop the big one.”
“Uh oh,” everyone on the bridge said.
*****
“The enemy humanoid fighters are returning to their ship,” an anonymous technician said.
“Very well,” VE 02 said. “Prepare the boarding party. I want the Nergal secured immediately. Make sure you bring Geist and the control computer to me.”
*****
“We have about three minutes to pull this off,” Geist said as he, Tina and Daishi once again assembled in the observation lounge, this time with the entire crew and passengers of the Nergal, which made for very tight quarters. “So no fooling around this time, got it?”
Both of the other human jump engines nodded.
“Fortunately, since we aren’t bosan jumping the entire ship, it shouldn’t take as long to create the field,” Geist said. “I’ll miss the old girl.”
“At least we’ll deny it to those bastards,” Argon said as he tried to find room to breath in this improvised sardine can.
“Hey, watch your hands!” Merrick shouted.
“Okay, let’s concentrate!” Geist said.
The process began.
*****
Within minutes, assault transports had clamped onto the Nergal and stormtroopers began cutting their way in. Within another minute, they had forced their way into multiple parts of the ship.
However, the closest thing they met to resistance was the faint sound of a song with a rather catchy tune echoing through the corridors.
o/~ I know, I know I've let you down
o/~ I've been a fool to myself,
o/~ I thought that I could live for no one else…
o/~ But now, through all the hurt and pain,
o/~ its time for me to respect,
o/~ the ones who love me more than anything…
“So where is everybody?” Stormtrooper TK0988 wondered as he ordered his teams to fan out. Meanwhile the song kept playing.
o/~ So with sadness in my heart,
o/~ I feel the best thing I could do
o/~ is end it all and leave forever…
“This is HL1173,” one of the team leaders reported. “We have secured the observation lounge. No signs of life here.”
o/~ What's done is done it feels so bad,
o/~ once was happy now is sad,
o/~ I'll never love again, my world is ending...
“This is DD3071,” another trooper said, “My team is entering the bridge. No hostiles sited, but the computer is displaying a countdown timer and a message.”
o/~ I wish that I could turn back time,
o/~ ‘cause now the guilt is all mine,
o/~ can’t live without the trust from those you love…
o/~ I know we can’t forget the past,
o/~ you can’t forget love and pride,
o/~ because of that it’s killing me inside…
“What is the message DD3071?” TK0988 asked.
o/~ It all returns to nothing,
o/~ it all comes tumbling down,
o/~ tumbling down,
o/~ tumbling down…
“Have a nice day.” DD3071 replied.
o/~ It all returns to nothing,
o/~ I just keep letting me down,
o/~ letting me down,
o/~ letting me down…
*****
In a flash of incredibly brilliant energy, the Nergal exploded.
“Oh my god!” a tech blurted out as the ship’s sensors overloaded from the shear energy of the blast.
“What happened?” VE O2 demanded. “What is going on out there?”
“We have a massive surge of energy, sir!” the tech reported. “We’ve lost our sensors, but there is no way the Nergal could have survived a blast like that!”
“They must have overloaded their engines in order to prevent us from taking the ship intact,” an officer postulated.
VE O2 was suitably stunned. “Were they so desperate to keep the Nergal out of our hands that they would sacrifice themselves?”
*****
Well, no.
The crew of the Nergal emerged from their bosan jump in Dome 8474, back on Endoven, safe and sound.
“Well, it’s good to be home,” Talon said.
“It’s a shame we didn’t have enough time to save the Nergal,” Argon said. “She was a fine ship.”
Geist sighed. “Her time had come,” he said. “Nobody should possess her secrets, which reminds me…”
He took the control computer out of his pocket and activated it. After the computer had time to load its graphical user interface, he began giving it a series of commands.
“What are you doing?” Tycho asked.
“I’m disabling all outside access to the control computer,” Geist said. “This will render any of the alien technology still floating around completely worthless. It will also prevent all future bosan jumping.”
His job done, he shut down the control computer. “Wuyap.”
“What do you need?” the chief gray asked.
“I’ve got a bottle of Sluis Premium Dark for you if you will drop this thing in the middle of intergalactic space where nobody will be able to find it,” Geist said, offering him the control computer.
Wuyap shrugged, then took the control computer from Geist. “Sure.”
“Wait a minute,” Kevin said, “wasn’t your ship on the Nergal?”
Wuyap waved aside the admiral’s concern. “It was getting old anyway. I’ve got a spare in my back pocket.”
“Your back pocket?” Tycho asked, confused.
“It’s a quantum mechanics thing,” Wuyap said.
“You know,” Tina said, “now that all the excitement is over, I can’t help but think that we forgot something.”
*****
In orbit of the backwater planet in the outer rim, in the cockpit of a disabled hatav, Narm sang.
o/~ Nobody knows… the trouble I’ve seen…
*****
Merrick shrugged. “Oh, whatever it is, I doubt that it is all that important,” she said. “Well, I guess this is where our little adventure ends.”
Geist shook his head. “Not yet, we still have one thing left to take care of.”
*****
The preparations were quick and dirty. A hall was found and rented out for the day. Catering consisted of whatever could be delivered in under thirty minutes (pizza and something called Chinese food). In fact, one of the few things that allowed the ceremony to keep its dignity was that everyone was still wearing the formal clothing they had been wearing before. In the mad rush into and out of battle, nobody had time to change.
“Dearly beloved, honored guests, ninjas, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of Robert Lee and Tina Fury in the bonds of holy matrimony,” Geist said to the audience as Tina and Daishi stood before him.
“This day is a blessed day,” he continued, “a day when a sacred commitment will be met by two people, a commitment to be one, in spirit, and in soul, for all time.”
He shrugged. “However, in a very real sense, this ceremony is superfluous. We cannot bless, cannot consecrate, this union between this man and this woman, for these two, through the love they share, have already done so. Without even realizing it, they have committed themselves to each other fully and without reservation. What are a few pale words from an old minister compared to that?”
Geist’s shrug was replaced by a smile, “Of course, these two have gone through hell and back getting to this moment, and it would be a shame to waste the time booked for the hall, so…”
Geist looked at Daishi.
“Do you, Robert Lee, take Tina to be your wife, to have and to hold, through good times and bad, through recession, depression, and war, through fire, flood, plague, forsaking all others, and I mean ALL OTHERS, and do you also promise to always put the seat down on the toilet, to never complain because she makes more money than you, to put up with her desires to redecorate your ship, and most importantly of all to never use me as an alibi when you go sneaking off to have a drink with the guys?”
“I do,” Daishi replied.
“You sure about that?” Geist asked.
“YES!”
Geist then turned to Tina. “Do you, Tina Fury, take this broken down wreck of a soldier to be your husband, to have and to hold, yada yada, and do you also promise not to get all grouchy if he ever has to go overthrow a foreign government on your anniversary, to never subject him to lilac scented pillows, to never make reservations to go dancing on poker night, and to never use the force to see if he’s sneaking out to go drinking with his buddies when he’s supposed to be working?”
“I do,” Tina said.
“At this point,” Geist said, “I say now that anyone who believes that these two should not be joined should speak now...”
“And be shot where they stand,” Daishi interjected.
Nobody spoke up.
“Then by the power vested in me by the Corellian Shinto Catholic Church…”
“What about rings?” a heckler from the audience asked.
“Unfortunately, they blew up with the Nergal,” Geist said. “By the power vested in my by the Shinto Catholic Church, I now pronounce you man and wife, and may god have mercy on your soul. Kiss the woman already.”
And they kissed.
Well good for them.
*****
There’s not much left to tell after that.
Ruri returned home with the help of Mr. Tenkawa and Ms. Misumaru. Though she was polite enough to say goodbye to everyone before she left, she is reported to have said that she was looking forward to forgetting this whole mess ever happened.
Wuyap and his fellow grays decided that their time in this galaxy had come to an end, so after first fulfilling their last job for Geist, they set out for parts unknown, looking for a younger galaxy where aliens could once again be sexy.
After a short flirtation with a Seele style government, the VE decided that it really didn’t accomplish anything, and the High Council agreed to start using names again.
With their entire technological base rendered completely worthless, the Clan Federation of Jovia collapsed as a society. Jovia has since become a mostly agrarian world. Most of the nonfunctional facilities and warships in orbit have since been converted to casinos, and Jovia has become THE spot for legalized gambling.
Varneck remains a virtually unpopulated wasteland, however every year a small number of tourists and archeologists come to the world to look at the ruins. With the destruction of all life on the planet, the price of its native drink, Varneck Citrus, has grown exponentially. Right now most people consider a bottle of Varneck Citrus too valuable to drink.
The imperial factions that were on the other side of the war are still in the midst of recovering. Many worlds felt the wrath of the invaders, and much of the imperial war machine was wrecked in the fighting. Recovery is proceeding swiftly, however, and soon there will be virtually no trace of the cataclysmic war that ripped through the Epsilon sector.
In exchange for not revealing any of the dirty little secrets about the war, the crew of the Nergal was granted a quiet amnesty for their act of mutiny. Everybody has agreed that it is probably best if they just pretend this whole thing never happened.
Jociam Geist opened a bar on Endoven, named quite properly Uncle Yo-sims. He has since settled down into his quiet semi-retired life.
Daishi and Tina went on their honeymoon, which lasted for several weeks. For decency’s sake, let us not go into detail of their activities aside from saying they didn’t leave the hotel much. Upon returning, Daishi went back to work and Tina took a job as the pretty, mysterious waitress of Uncle Yo-sims, as well as part time command of the VEEC carrack cruiser Gwar.
The Generec En Pee Sees embarked on a wildly successful singing career. Their first album, “Please don’t let the hurting stop”, became the fifth highest grossing musical title in history.
The Deathwookiee and his girls signed a ten year contract for a cooking show, which is highly popular in the more barbaric parts of the Galaxy.
Argon Viper and Stormtrooper 1026 agreed to never talk about what went on between the Whipid and Stormie’s girl half. Both have since returned to work. The anything goes school of jedi arts has as a result faded into obscurity.
Master set out to find the ancient evil that had brought him into this mess in the first place. So far, he’s still looking.
Aniston returned to his frigid wife, only to find her in bed with a golf pro. He has since filled the empty void in his life by starting his own incredibly successful company, which is quickly becoming the biggest producer of “recreational droids” in Imperial territory. He earned the money needed to start his company by winning the Erebria state lottery six months after the Nergal was destroyed.
Tycho was involved in several minor projects, including writing the basic algorithms and AI scripts that control the Aniston Enterprises Love Droids. Six months after the Nergal was destroyed, he was forcibly deported from Erebria amidst allegations that he rigged the Erebria state lottery.
The rest of the crew pretty much went back to their old jobs.
The ninjas skulked off into the sunset.
As for Master Happa? He’s out there, and he’s only getting stronger.
THE END
-----------------------
~The nerd occasionally known as Jociam Geist
THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT WHEN I RULE THE WORLD!