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ComNet > Imperial Navy > Archived Naval Academy > Returning to Navy
 
 
 
Author
Topic:  Returning to Navy
Lamel_Evas
ComNet Novice
 
Lamel_Evas
 
[VE-NAVY] Senior Crewman
 
Post Number:  60
Total Posts:  61
Joined:  Jun 2007
Status:  Offline
  Returning to Navy
September 28, 2012 3:06:26 PM    View the profile of Lamel_Evas 
i was absent from the navy for awhile due to a lack of a computer and other IRL issues, I apologize for any inconvenience. so where do i go from here?
May the force be with you - Yoda

Get this walking carpet out of my way! - Princess Leia

Nazgul 3-10/LCRW Lamel Evas/[=A=]
Echelon
ComNet Member
 
Echelon
 
[VE-NAVY] Warrant Officer 2nd Class
 
Post Number:  496
Total Posts:  546
Joined:  May 2011
Status:  Offline
  RE: Returning to Navy
September 28, 2012 3:21:22 PM    View the profile of Echelon 
Welcome, new Crewman, to the Vast Empire Naval Academy! By posting here, you're one step closer to joining us in our ranks.

If you'll allow me to introduce myself, I am Warrant Officer 2nd Class Echelon, and the Chief of Naval Training here for the Vast Empire Navy. As your training officer, I'll lead you through the courses here at VENA.

You'll begin by completing the Basic Training course. Please proceed here, and read the section. When you're done Basic Training, proceed to your first chapter of Flight School, here, and create a bio for your Vast Empire character. Remember, you should have it in 3rd person (he, she, it) and in past tense (ran, shot, exploded).

Once your bio is complete, post it here for reviewing, and then we can move on to Chapter 2 of Flight Schooll!

If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or rants, feel free to contact any of us here at VENA. The fastest way to get help would to get on the #VENA IRC channel and ask there (I'm usually on). Otherwise, you can Private Message us, or just simply post here. Remember, the wiki has all sorts of information, and you're welcome to look at other people's works (just don't plagiarize or copy).

Utterly,

Training Officer Echelon


SCAP/WO2 Rhycus 'Echelon' Bandoran/CR90 Duty/TF:B/1Flt/VEN/VE

CNT/WO2 Rhycus 'Echelon' Bandoran/PLF Cappadocious/VENA/VEN/VE

[SoA] [NAR] [CAR] [MC2] [BWC] [HNS] [MC1] [SWC] [1NS] [LoM] [VC:B]
[=*ENG*=] {VehM} {SfrM} {HypM} {Astr} {LogS} {Shut} {Gunn} (*SCFE*)

Naval High Command

MVP of Out of the Invisible

Lamel_Evas
ComNet Novice
 
Lamel_Evas
 
[VE-NAVY] Senior Crewman
 
Post Number:  61
Total Posts:  61
Joined:  Jun 2007
Status:  Offline
  RE: Returning to Navy
September 28, 2012 7:41:06 PM    View the profile of Lamel_Evas 
Name: Lamel Evas

Age: 27

race: Coruscanti

Family: Saalia Evas(deceased)

mother: n/a

father: n/a

Physical Description: Strong and built perfectly, Stands at 5 ft 6 in tall with light hair and light eyes

hair color: Blonde

Eye color: Blue

build: strong, with a near hourglass figure


Personality: Shy, but will warm up to people she knows that will not harm her

Growing up on Coruscant alone. She had had to fight her way out of the orphanage from whence she came. She was born in the orphanage after her mother stumbled across the building a few days before her birth.

There a few days after her birth her mother passed away leaving young Lamel to the orphanage's care. Her father was nowhere to be found and so Lamel suffered for the first three years of her young life not knowing where she had come from.

She walked in from the streets accompanied by two troopers one day as they had accused her of the most dreadful thing and she hadn't done a thing up to that point.

She hated stealing and that is what they had accused Lamel of doing she had had to fight the two troopers but they had to stun her into submission to calm her down.

She slumped to the ground and sighed hating the punishment as she was drug back to the orphanage she knew what it was: The whip or as they called it "Tse-tse treatment for stealing" that was what the orphanage thought would cure theft but sometimes it killed the whipped person and they would bury that person in the courtyard of the orphanage. The only thing Lamel wanted to do was go to the temple to pray for her mother which she had had to sneak out to do.

This time however Lamel was dragged back to where the whip was and beaten with the whip until she screamed for mercy only then did the beating stop as she was taken back to the room where there was a medbay and set upon the bed she cried as she lay there alone in that room.

She wanted nothing better to do than beat the person who beat her with a whip. But it was too late to do so as the orphanage would close in a week. After that week was done with she was sent to live with a close friend of hers a friend she knew who worked at the orphanage.

She tried to help Lamel calm down the first night she was there at her place and it sorta worked but not very well as the damage from the orphanage had been done she stayed at her friend's house until she was well and old enough to go out on her own but when she did she had come to find out that she was one of two children born to their mother hence why her mother had died after her birth.

Her twin sister's name was Saalia, it was such a good name for the two she had gone to where she had been told Saalia was at and they sat and talked to her after a few long years she had caught up everything she needed to know of their father who was gone as well.

Shortly after she had met her twin sister, the old owner of the orphanage kidnapped them both, the ransom being held at the unreasonable amount of more than a million IC and soon after being kidnapped Saalia was beaten to death right in front of Lams, who in turn drew a weapon which she had kept hidden and shot the woman in the face; killing her instantly;

Lams then ran to her friend's place sobbing and collapsed on the front porch, she knew that if found, consequences would be severe for her and her dear sister had left behind some pictures of their mother. The very next few hours were fraught with panic as her friend did come home only to find her upon the front porch cringing as she approached Lamel.

But her friend had had to calm her down and reassure her that the troopers were not going to take her in or harm her, the friend was married at the time and had had two young children that needed to have a babysitter.

She smiled for the husband reminded her of her father in his looks and as it turned out, was a distant cousin of her late father's, when he told her that she nearly burst into tears after he told her the whole story. He too, was a traveler himself and so was his brother.

Not much was known about either of the grandparents he had said to her. Her great grandparents were also a mystery and she was told that she looked just like her great grandmother whom she was named after.


Reasons for going into the navy: Lamel's close friend whom she had stayed with told her about it and had finally got her to naval boot camp with her so she could keep busy in all sorts of training even combat, she learned how to shoot, to kill, how to swim, how to defend herself and to avoid any attacker that came across her path. they both had had to get off of coruscant and go elsewhere for their training until they could get into the naval academy

Her reaction to someone saying hello or howdy: She would say hello or howdy back to the person but with a frightened tone in her voice say if the person looked like her abuser....
May the force be with you - Yoda

Get this walking carpet out of my way! - Princess Leia

Nazgul 3-10/LCRW Lamel Evas/[=A=]
[This message has been edited by Lamel_Evas (edited September 29, 2012 5:34:11 AM)]
[This message has been edited by Lamel_Evas (edited September 30, 2012 9:06:15 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Lamel_Evas (edited September 30, 2012 9:07:39 PM)]
Echelon
ComNet Marshal
 
Echelon
 
[VE-NAVY] Warrant Officer 2nd Class
 
Post Number:  505
Total Posts:  546
Joined:  May 2011
Status:  Offline
  RE: Returning to Navy
October 1, 2012 7:22:40 PM    View the profile of Echelon 
The first thing that I notice is your lack of capitalization. Now, this is not a huge thing, but its kind of a pet peeve for me. Just fix those, and it should not be too hard.

Second, you do not have enough information for Lamel's personality. Your first sentence is great, but try to add some more. There are plenty of websites that just list personality traits that can give you some ideas. Also, you seem to be lacking a period on that sentence. Please try your best to include punctuation. We are, after all, a writing organization, so correct grammar is important.

Along with your personality description, you need more of a physical description. Look at yourself, as a real person. Just notice little things about you. For me, I have bony knuckles, hairy feet, a semi-deep voice, thick eyebrows, and a small build. Stuff like that, but in a descriptive tone.

As far as your biography, I found the lack of correct grammar distracting. Your first sentence is not really a sentence.

This:

OOC:
Growing up on Coruscant alone. She had had to fight her way out of the orphanage from whence she came.


Should be:

OOC:
Growing up on Coruscant alone, she had to fight her way out of the orphanage from whence she came.


The story you present in the rest of the bio is alright, but there seems to be a gap from this child hood event, to her adult hood. You also do not explain why she joins the Navy very well. So, what happens between her childhood and her adult hood that makes her want to join the Navy? When you rework this, I want you to rework the wording as well, as everything is not very clear. Try and read your work out loud to yourself, to see if it makes sense.

Other than that crewman, its a great start! I can't wait to see what you come up with next!


SCAP/WO2 Rhycus 'Echelon' Bandoran/CR90 Duty/TF:B/1Flt/VEN/VE

CNT/WO2 Rhycus 'Echelon' Bandoran/PLF Cappadocious/VENA/VEN/VE

[SoA] [NAR] [CAR] [MC2] [BWC] [HNS] [MC1] [SWC] [1NS] [LoM] [VC:B]
[=*ENG*=] {VehM} {SfrM} {HypM} {Astr} {LogS} {Shut} {Gunn} (*SCFE*)

Naval High Command

MVP of Out of the Invisible

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