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Author
Topic:  Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
Valthir
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Valthir
 
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  Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
February 20, 2012 6:31:49 PM    View the profile of Valthir 
This is the feedback thread for Blackjack’s Writers Workshop. If you post feedback for someone’s post, please use the following template:

OOC:
Name:

Prompt:

Feedback:
Valthir
Adept of the Dark Jedi Order
Privateer of the Osk Company
Squad Leader of Blackjack Squad

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Psycho
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  RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
February 22, 2012 6:17:47 PM    View the profile of Psycho 
Name: Crest-"the best"

Prompt: I'm a prisoner!

Feedback: Great post Crest. Your writing style incorporates the right amount of detail and action, and neither slows the story down. This makes me want to post...

Good post ASL, good post.

I rate it a 4 out of 5.
ETRP/PSC Dev "Psycho" Bandoran/3SQD: "Blackjack"/1PLT: "Wildcard"/1COM: "Phoenix"/1BAT: "Dragon"/1RGT: "Osiris"/VEA/VE/Tadath
[This message has been edited by Psycho (edited February 22, 2012 6:18:13 PM)]
Crest
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  RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
February 26, 2012 2:05:58 PM    View the profile of Crest 
Name: Psycho

Prompt: Captured

Feedback:

Watch out for a few spelling errors, and, in a very few parts, improve fluency.

As for overall story, setting, plot, timing, and action, it was an excellent post.

Excellent job.
ASL/LCPL Crest/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE | (A1) (6.1) | [ES1] [LM] | {CRoS} | [*QW 12*] (ECA)

Assistant Squad Leader of Blackjack-Infiltration Expert

"If you're in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly"
Crest
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  RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
February 28, 2012 3:56:25 PM    View the profile of Crest 
Name: Psycho

Prompt: You're dying.

Feedback:

The only thing I disliked was how you switched at one point from a third-person view describing him, to a semi- first-person scientist who was recording this death.

But like I said, that was the only thing, and this makes for an utterly beautiful post. Good job!
ASL/LCPL Crest/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE | (A1) (6.1) | [ES1] [LM] | {CRoS} | [*QW 12*] (CEC) (ECA)

Assistant Squad Leader of Blackjack-Infiltration Expert

"If you're in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly"
Psycho
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  RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
February 28, 2012 7:02:25 PM    View the profile of Psycho 
Crest thanks for the feedback.


Name: Crest

Prompt: Dying!

Feedback:

I like this post. It is very different from your normal posts, and any posts in the VE. The format and style is very poetic which makes it a piece that sticks out from the rest. It is a very good post Crest. You should be proud of yourself.
ETRP/PSC Dev "Psycho" Bandoran/3SQD: "Blackjack"/1PLT: "Wildcard"/1COM: "Phoenix"/1BAT: "Dragon"/1RGT: "Osiris"/VEA/VE/Tadath
Crest
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  RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
February 29, 2012 8:04:38 PM    View the profile of Crest 
Name: Psycho

Prompt:Fight!

Feedback:

You have nailed every aspect of posting/storytelling with this post, save one.

You rushed the action a bit too much after the first artillery shell. The reader is left floundering, trying to comprehend what just happened, while devouring the next part. A reader then must either stop and try to comprehend slowly or read over it again. Either way breaks the fluency of the post. Try to just bring it down every so slightly. Not so much it breaks or lowers the quality the thrill of the action, just enough to accomodate the reader.

But that is a minor thing, which can be beneficial in some high-paced action sequences.

You NAILED this post. Excellent job!!
ASL/LCPL Crest/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE | (A1) (6.1) | [ES1] [LM] | {CRoS} | [*QW 12*] (CEC) (ECA)

Assistant Squad Leader of Blackjack-Infiltration Expert

"If you're in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly"
Skarr
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  RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
March 1, 2012 7:56:04 AM    View the profile of Skarr 
Are people outside of Blackjack allowed to post feedback, Val?
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Echelon
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  RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
March 1, 2012 5:39:48 PM    View the profile of Echelon 
I would think so, we're all open for feedback.

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Valthir
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  RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
March 1, 2012 5:39:56 PM    View the profile of Valthir 
Sure. Go right ahead. Feel free to make an announcement as well
Valthir
Adept of the Dark Jedi Order
Privateer of the Osk Company
Squad Leader of Blackjack Squad

SL/SSG Valthir/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE
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Psycho
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  RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
March 1, 2012 8:23:11 PM    View the profile of Psycho 
Name: Crest

Prompt: "Battle"

Feedback:

You did well on this post. I especially liked the plot, and you used your mind very well. Almost like a Dan Brown book (though smaller and less complicated). Good job Crest.
ETRP/PSC Dev "Psycho" Bandoran/3SQD: "Blackjack"/1PLT: "Wildcard"/1COM: "Phoenix"/1BAT: "Dragon"/1RGT: "Osiris"/VEA/VE/Tadath
Crest
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  RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
March 2, 2012 6:07:17 PM    View the profile of Crest 
Name: Crusnik

Prompt: Battle

Feedback:

Good job on this. Just watch out for a few spots in which you didn't put the correct puncutation on your sentences, particularly on quotes.

Also, I would have liked if you could next time increase the action just to a bit more percentage of your post. Currently it composes ~20% of your post. I, personally, would like, in such an action oriented prompt, ~40%.

But good job on creating an intriguing story.
ASL/LCPL Crest/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE| (A1) (6.1) | [ES1] [LM] | {CRoS} | [*QW 12*] (CEC) (ECA)

Assistant Squad Leader of Blackjack-Infiltration Expert

"If you're in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly"
Crusnik
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  RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
March 5, 2012 3:41:05 PM    View the profile of Crusnik 
Name: Psycho

Prompt: Prisoner

Feedback:
Just a few spelling errors,but awesome man good job. Also, I thoght your ending was a nice fresh comical relief.A good ending to a good story I think.
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Quote:He wins his battles by making no mistakes. Making no mistakes is what establishes the certainty of victory, for it means conquering an enemy that is already defeated. --The Art of War by Sun Tzu Chapter IV:Tactical Dispositions
[This message has been edited by Crusnik (edited March 5, 2012 4:04:35 PM)]
Crusnik
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  RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
March 5, 2012 5:08:16 PM    View the profile of Crusnik 
Name: Crest

Prompt: Memory Loss

Feedback:
I felt you could have gone a different route with this but other the other hand, it's a pretty good short. I like how you had your character start questioning his reality, nice touch.
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Quote:He wins his battles by making no mistakes. Making no mistakes is what establishes the certainty of victory, for it means conquering an enemy that is already defeated. --The Art of War by Sun Tzu Chapter IV:Tactical Dispositions
Crest
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  RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
March 6, 2012 4:47:45 PM    View the profile of Crest 
Name: Crusnik

Prompt: Memory Loss

Feedback:

Alright, just watch out for non-standardized capatilization (or lack thereof). Also, watch out for a few missing pieces of puncutation (the comma is the culprit mostly.) Lastly, watch out for a few rogue words (that don't fit in).

But good job on the creation of the story. (Much better than I did...)
ASL/LCPL Crest/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE| (A1) (6.1) | [ES1] [LM] | {CRoS} | [*QW 12*] (CEC) (ECA)

Assistant to Valthir, the omnipotent god of Blackjack Squad
Infiltration Expert

"If you're in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly" -- Nick Lappos
"Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is acting in spite of fear." -- Carly Fiorina
"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." -- Mohandas Gandhi
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the former." -- Albert Einstein
Valthir
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  RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
March 11, 2012 3:24:40 PM    View the profile of Valthir 
OOC:
This story has concluded, but anyone can still give feedback, so if you want, please give some.
Valthir
Adept of the Dark Jedi Order
Pirate Overseer of the Osk Company
Squad Leader of Blackjack Squad

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