Valthir
ComNet Member
[VE-ARMY] Senior Sergeant
[VE-DJO] Adept
[VE-ICS] Pirate Overseer
[VE-VEEC] Editor
Post Number: 495
Total Posts: 681
Joined: Nov 2010
Status: Offline
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Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
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February 20, 2012
6:31:49 PM
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This is the feedback thread for Blackjack’s Writers Workshop. If you post feedback for someone’s post, please use the following template: - OOC:
- Name:
Prompt:
Feedback:
ValthirAdept of the Dark Jedi Order Privateer of the Osk Company Squad Leader of Blackjack Squad SL/SSG Valthir/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE TRN/AD Valthir/Lopen/DJO/VE
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Psycho
ComNet n00b
[VE-ARMY] Private Second Class
Post Number: 22
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RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
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February 22, 2012
6:17:47 PM
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Name: Crest-"the best" Prompt: I'm a prisoner! Feedback: Great post Crest. Your writing style incorporates the right amount of detail and action, and neither slows the story down. This makes me want to post... Good post ASL, good post. I rate it a 4 out of 5.ETRP/PSC Dev "Psycho" Bandoran/3SQD: "Blackjack"/1PLT: "Wildcard"/1COM: "Phoenix"/1BAT: "Dragon"/1RGT: "Osiris"/VEA/VE/Tadath
[This message has been edited by
Psycho
(edited February 22, 2012
6:18:13 PM)]
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Crest
ComNet Initiate
[VE-ARMY] Lance Corporal
Post Number: 176
Total Posts: 421
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RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
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February 26, 2012
2:05:58 PM
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Name: Psycho Prompt: Captured Feedback:Watch out for a few spelling errors, and, in a very few parts, improve fluency. As for overall story, setting, plot, timing, and action, it was an excellent post. Excellent job.
ASL/LCPL Crest/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE | (A1) (6.1) | [ES1] [LM] | {CRoS} | [*QW 12*] (ECA)Assistant Squad Leader of Blackjack-Infiltration Expert"If you're in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly" |
Crest
ComNet Initiate
[VE-ARMY] Lance Corporal
Post Number: 178
Total Posts: 421
Joined: Nov 2011
Status: Offline
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RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
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February 28, 2012
3:56:25 PM
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Name: Psycho Prompt: You're dying. Feedback:The only thing I disliked was how you switched at one point from a third-person view describing him, to a semi- first-person scientist who was recording this death. But like I said, that was the only thing, and this makes for an utterly beautiful post. Good job!
ASL/LCPL Crest/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE | (A1) (6.1) | [ES1] [LM] | {CRoS} | [*QW 12*] (CEC) (ECA)Assistant Squad Leader of Blackjack-Infiltration Expert"If you're in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly" |
Psycho
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[VE-ARMY] Private Second Class
Post Number: 27
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RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
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February 28, 2012
7:02:25 PM
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Crest thanks for the feedback. Name: Crest Prompt: Dying! Feedback: I like this post. It is very different from your normal posts, and any posts in the VE. The format and style is very poetic which makes it a piece that sticks out from the rest. It is a very good post Crest. You should be proud of yourself. ETRP/PSC Dev "Psycho" Bandoran/3SQD: "Blackjack"/1PLT: "Wildcard"/1COM: "Phoenix"/1BAT: "Dragon"/1RGT: "Osiris"/VEA/VE/Tadath
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Crest
ComNet Initiate
[VE-ARMY] Lance Corporal
Post Number: 180
Total Posts: 421
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Status: Offline
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RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
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February 29, 2012
8:04:38 PM
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Name: Psycho Prompt:Fight! Feedback:You have nailed every aspect of posting/storytelling with this post, save one. You rushed the action a bit too much after the first artillery shell. The reader is left floundering, trying to comprehend what just happened, while devouring the next part. A reader then must either stop and try to comprehend slowly or read over it again. Either way breaks the fluency of the post. Try to just bring it down every so slightly. Not so much it breaks or lowers the quality the thrill of the action, just enough to accomodate the reader. But that is a minor thing, which can be beneficial in some high-paced action sequences. You NAILED this post. Excellent job!!
ASL/LCPL Crest/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE | (A1) (6.1) | [ES1] [LM] | {CRoS} | [*QW 12*] (CEC) (ECA)Assistant Squad Leader of Blackjack-Infiltration Expert"If you're in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly" |
Skarr
ComNet Veteran
Imperial Supporter
[VE-ARMY] 2nd Lieutenant
[VE-ICS] Pirate Swabbie
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Post Number: 1207
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Joined: Feb 2010
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RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
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March 1, 2012
7:56:04 AM
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Are people outside of Blackjack allowed to post feedback, Val? SL|CoT:A|PC/'2LT Skarr/1SQD/1PLT/1COMP/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE [CDS] [ES2] [IH] [RoT] {RES} (VT) (ECA) (3.1) (1.1) (A5) (AS-2) Norith Skarr
2nd Lieutenant, Vast Imperial Army
Squad Leader, Eclipse Squad
Platoon Commander, Wildcard Platoon
Commander of Training Assistant, Stormtrooper Corps"May God have mercy on my enemies, because I won't" General George Patton   |
Echelon
ComNet Cadet
[VE-NAVY] Chief Petty Officer (CPO)
Post Number: 292
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Joined: May 2011
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RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
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March 1, 2012
5:39:48 PM
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I would think so, we're all open for feedback.  DMG-CTRL Officer/CPO Finbar "Echelon" Bandoran/mSSD Atrus/TF:A/1Flt/FC/VEN/VE
TO/CPO Finbar "Echelon" Bandoran/PLF Cappadocious/VENA/VEN/VE
[SoA] [NAR] [CAR] [MC2] [BWC] [HNS] [MC1] [=*ENG*=]
{VehM} {SfrM} {HypM} {Astr} {LogS} {Shut} {Gunn} |
Valthir
ComNet Member
[VE-ARMY] Senior Sergeant
[VE-DJO] Adept
[VE-ICS] Pirate Overseer
[VE-VEEC] Editor
Post Number: 506
Total Posts: 681
Joined: Nov 2010
Status: Offline
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RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
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March 1, 2012
5:39:56 PM
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Sure. Go right ahead. Feel free to make an announcement as well ValthirAdept of the Dark Jedi Order Privateer of the Osk Company Squad Leader of Blackjack Squad SL/SSG Valthir/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE TRN/AD Valthir/Lopen/DJO/VE
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Psycho
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RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
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March 1, 2012
8:23:11 PM
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Name: Crest
Prompt: "Battle"
Feedback:
You did well on this post. I especially liked the plot, and you used your mind very well. Almost like a Dan Brown book (though smaller and less complicated). Good job Crest. ETRP/PSC Dev "Psycho" Bandoran/3SQD: "Blackjack"/1PLT: "Wildcard"/1COM: "Phoenix"/1BAT: "Dragon"/1RGT: "Osiris"/VEA/VE/Tadath
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Crest
ComNet Initiate
[VE-ARMY] Lance Corporal
Post Number: 182
Total Posts: 421
Joined: Nov 2011
Status: Offline
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RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
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March 2, 2012
6:07:17 PM
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Name: Crusnik Prompt: Battle Feedback:Good job on this. Just watch out for a few spots in which you didn't put the correct puncutation on your sentences, particularly on quotes. Also, I would have liked if you could next time increase the action just to a bit more percentage of your post. Currently it composes ~20% of your post. I, personally, would like, in such an action oriented prompt, ~40%. But good job on creating an intriguing story.
ASL/LCPL Crest/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE| (A1) (6.1) | [ES1] [LM] | {CRoS} | [*QW 12*] (CEC) (ECA)
Assistant Squad Leader of Blackjack-Infiltration Expert
"If you're in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly" |
Crusnik
ComNet n00b
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Post Number: 16
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RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
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March 5, 2012
3:41:05 PM
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Name: Psycho
Prompt: Prisoner
Feedback:
Just a few spelling errors,but awesome man good job. Also, I thoght your ending was a nice fresh comical relief.A good ending to a good story I think. TRP/PVT Crusnik/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE Quote:He wins his battles by making no mistakes. Making no mistakes is what establishes the certainty of victory, for it means conquering an enemy that is already defeated. --The Art of War by Sun Tzu Chapter IV:Tactical Dispositions
[This message has been edited by
Crusnik
(edited March 5, 2012
4:04:35 PM)]
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Crusnik
ComNet n00b
[VE-ARMY] Private
Post Number: 17
Total Posts: 62
Joined: Feb 2012
Status: Offline
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RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
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March 5, 2012
5:08:16 PM
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Name: Crest
Prompt: Memory Loss
Feedback:
I felt you could have gone a different route with this but other the other hand, it's a pretty good short. I like how you had your character start questioning his reality, nice touch. TRP/PVT Crusnik/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE Quote:He wins his battles by making no mistakes. Making no mistakes is what establishes the certainty of victory, for it means conquering an enemy that is already defeated. --The Art of War by Sun Tzu Chapter IV:Tactical Dispositions
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Crest
ComNet Initiate
[VE-ARMY] Lance Corporal
Post Number: 188
Total Posts: 421
Joined: Nov 2011
Status: Offline
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RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
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March 6, 2012
4:47:45 PM
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Name: Crusnik Prompt: Memory Loss Feedback:Alright, just watch out for non-standardized capatilization (or lack thereof). Also, watch out for a few missing pieces of puncutation (the comma is the culprit mostly.) Lastly, watch out for a few rogue words (that don't fit in). But good job on the creation of the story. (Much better than I did...)
ASL/LCPL Crest/3SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1RGT/Tadath/VEA/VE| (A1) (6.1) | [ES1] [LM] | {CRoS} | [*QW 12*] (CEC) (ECA)
Assistant to Valthir, the omnipotent god of Blackjack Squad
Infiltration Expert
"If you're in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly" -- Nick Lappos
"Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is acting in spite of fear." -- Carly Fiorina
"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." -- Mohandas Gandhi
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the former." -- Albert Einstein |
Valthir
ComNet Member
[VE-ARMY] Gunnery Sergeant
[VE-DJO] Adept
[VE-ICS] Pirate Overseer
[VE-VEEC] Editor
Post Number: 517
Total Posts: 681
Joined: Nov 2010
Status: Offline
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RE: Blackjack - Writer's Workshop Feedback
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March 11, 2012
3:24:40 PM
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- OOC:
- This story has concluded, but anyone can still give feedback, so if you want, please give some.
ValthirAdept of the Dark Jedi Order Pirate Overseer of the Osk Company Squad Leader of Blackjack Squad  
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