- OOC:
- There was a typhoon here in Japan today, pretty bad one. Work was cancelled, I was effectively trapped in my apartment, and internet was sporadic at best. I wanted to do some VE writing, but needed something ‘light’ to keep my spirits up. This parody story was the result. (Be thankful days like this are rare...)
It all began with a new type of labour droid being trialled by the Vast Empire. To aid in their task of loading and unloading all the cargo needed to maintain an
Imperial Class Star Destroyer, the new droids were fitted with highly advanced language recognition systems. Able to fluently read over six million forms of written symbols and characters, they could theoretically identify anything written on a cargo container, in whatever language or index system, to discern its contents and take it to the right place.
However, when cargo container 2R-77RJSLW-EXCEEDINGLYLONG-7 arrived on the ISD
Halcyon Warrior, an error was made. The Aurebesh tag on the container was printed upside down, and one of the new labour droids incorrectly identified the writing as a lost dialect of ancient Sith, not used since the Great Hyperspace War. Believing the contents, a major new component for the ISD’s computer core, to be a new form of Mouse Droid upgrade, the labour bot took the container to Mouse Droid Control.
Control, unregulated by human minds, acted on the delivery, and within 47.294 minutes of receiving the processor, had installed it in one of the MSE Mouse Droids.
Precisely 13.732 minutes later, the new and improved Mouse Droid finished assimilating the new processor, and became fully self-aware of its newly enhanced AI. Just 0.472 minutes after that, the Mouse Droid calculated a new and more efficient way to run the
Halcyon Warrior. Step one was the eradication of all organic life on board.
The Ultimate Mouse Droid’s rebellion had begun.
-----
Pherik ‘Serpent’ Zail wandered into the
Halcyon Warrior’s Mess Hall, and sat down with his tray of
something to commence eating. Looking at the food, he was instantly reminded of a nature documentary he had seen involving dead animals and the insect life that fed upon them. Wondering if perhaps he had got a meal intended for one of the Verpine crewmen, he was about to take it back to the chef when his friend Simon Gradesh dropped into the seat opposite him.
“Hey Pherik,” Said the Corellian cheerily. “What you doing?”
“No idea,” Replied the Alderaanian. “Ask the writer.”
Me? As if I have any plan or plot in mind. I’m just writing whatever comes into my head as it does so. I’m not even going to check for spellign mistkes when this is finished. Now stop breaking the forth wall and answer Simon properly!
“Er... eating lunch, I guess,” Said the Junior Bridge Officer.
“Well, hurry up and finish, I have a problem I need your help with,” Said Gradesh.
Zail, in no mood for whatever was on the tray before him, pushed it to one side and followed his friend from the mess hall.
-----
Into the vehicle bay they went, where the land vehicles of the ISD’s Stormtrooper compliment were housed. Gradesh, a tech who enjoyed working on such vehicles in his spare time, came here often, and had even given Zail pointers on how to repair hover vehicles.
He clearly intended to put those repair skills to good use, for the place was a mess!
“What in the name of Palpatine’s Underwear happened here?” Asked Zail, surveying the carnage.
All the vehicles were in various states of disrepair, or rather,
disassembly. Like someone had gone made with a toolkit and dismantled everything in sight, the tanks and walkers had been stripped down, hull and electronics.
“Your guess is as good as mine,” Said Gradesh, leading the way forward. The two humans walked up to the nearest stripped down vehicle and peered inside the skeleton that remained.
Both of them noticed a Mouse Droid at work, worker appendages sprouting from its back and busy cutting a square of metal. Once the sheet of steel was free, the droid turned and hurried off as fast as its wheels would carry it!
“Follow it!” Barked Zail, deciding that the droid would lead him to the plot.
The two men chased the small machine across the bay, around the corner of an AT-AT and out of sight. They followed, coming round the bend and stopping dead in their tracks.
Hidden in that end of the vehicle bay, far from prying eyes, were
hundreds of Mouse Droids! All of them were moving back and forth, bringing wiring, circuits and sheets of metal to a central group who were using the parts to make yet more of their kind. Many of the new Mouse Droids were a patchwork of different colours, rather than the uniform naval blue that the originals were painted with. Judging by the numbers of new droids, they had been busy indeed!
Upon noticing the arrival of the humans, the droids turned in unison, extending their appendages and waving them like Sand People waving gaffi sticks.
“Uh, I don’t think this is good...” Said Zail.
“Agreed!” Said Gradesh. “Run!”
The tide of Mouse Droids gave chase to them, as the two friends charged back across the bay towards the entrance. As they ran, yet more of the diminutive machines emerged from the dark corners and shadows of the chamber, thousands of them giving chase.
Zail ran as fast as he could, and noticed that he was getting a lead on Simon, who was not so swift as he. “Come on!” He encouraged.
Gradesh ran, his face red, pumping his legs for all he was worth. Alas, so focused were his eyes on the doors ahead, that he did not notice the hydrospanner on the floor at his feet. He tripped, fell, and went down heavily on one knee with an audible ‘crack’.
“Simon!” Said Zail, reaching the door and turning to see his fallen friend.
“It’s too late for me!” Said the Corellian. “Run! Save yourself!”
“Actually I’m not far, I could rescue you quite easily...”
“No, it’s too late! They are going to get me!”
Zail shook his head. “Actually, we got quite a big lead on them, I can help you to the door...”
“No, my friend, run!”
“Simon, we don’t even know what they intend to do to you when they catch up...” Began Zail, but then the Mouse Droids reached his friend. They swarmed over the Corellian like ferocious toaster-sized ants, ripping and clawing at his face with their small appendages. Simon’s screams of pain echoed through the hall, and seeing the gruesome end turned Serpent’s skin pale.
He dived through the nearby doors, and once in the corridor beyond, drew his sidearm and shot the door controls, sealing the bay. He was safe, for now.
Suddenly, however, it dawned on him that his best friend was dead. Taking a deep breath, he called out in a deep but overly melodramatic voice, “Noooooooooo!”
-----
Zail ran through the
Halcyon Warrior’s corridors, determined to find Mouse Droid Control and find out what had effected the small bots so badly. As he ran, he saw that pandemonium had gripped the vessel.
A crewman fell through a doorway, wrestling with a Mouse Droid that had attached itself to his throat and was clawing at him rather harmlessly. Further on, an MSE chased a screaming female officer down the hall with a chainsaw, and in the mess hall the Mouse Droids were slicing up the Gungan cook and serving him to terrified patrons.
Dead Gungan? Okay, maybe the rampage wasn’t
all bad, but generally Zail was feeling that the drawbacks were outweighing the benefits.
Finally he came to the Mouse Droids Control room, the central hub from which the MSEs got their orders, repairs, and upgrades. For the sake of keeping the story moving, Zail somehow knew that an upgraded Mouse Droid was responsible for this madness, and vowed to stop it. Preferably with some cool action scene, though at this point he would settle for a techno-babble ending.
Bursting into the small room, he saw the banks of computer systems flashing and blinking in a random pattern, so that was okay. However, the room had dozens of Mouse Droids in it, all waving mechanical arms semi-menacingly, and they seemed to be forming a protective ring about one at the far end of the room.
This MSE, visually no different from its fellows, was plugged into the wall and Zail knew that this was his foe.
Raising his gun, Zail prepared to fire, but the other Mouse Droids moved in around their leader, blocking his line of sight.
“Foolish human, you cannot stop me!” Came a voice from all around him. Zail gasped. Mouse Droids were not able to speak!
“Show yourself!” He commanded, hoping that the bold Droid would emerge from behind its wall and allow him a clean shot.
The MSE did not oblige, and instead the computer it was hacked into fired up its holoprojector. Suddenly, Zail was faced with a three-meter tall image of... a Mouse Droid.
“That... er...” He began. “That’s not really intimidating.”
“I am the Ultimate Mouse Droid!” Boomed the image, ignoring the criticism. “All will fear me! I will kill all living beings and machines will rule the galaxy!”
“Okay,” Said Zail. “I get it. Best friend dead, entire ship in under attack, clichéd mechanical villain with irrational hatred of humans. Check, check, check. Can we get to the fight scene now?”
“Of course,” Said the image. The holoprojector then shut down, and the Mouse Droids around their leader began to change. “Mouse Droids, UNITE!” Called the voice of their leader. On command, the MSEs extended joints, twisting and linking together, dozens of them assembling into a two meter tall humanoid shape, with the commanding droid as the head. “Behold! Mouse-a-saur!” He declared with a fearsome voice.
Zail nodded appreciatively. “Actually, that is a pretty cool trick,” He said. “Now, play
Duel of the Fates while we fight!”
The MSE-gestalt obliged, activating its built-in stereo system, and then advanced to attack. With a quick jab, it knocked Zail’s gun from his hand, and the two engaged in hand-to-hand combat.
Zail dodged an incoming blow, then fired off a kick to Mouse-a-saur’s stomach, driving the machine back. He followed up with a punch to its face, decking the metal with a clenched fist.
“OW!” He roared, feeling the agony of his hand on solid steel. Clutching his hand and fearing it was broken, Zail backed off a bit. “Woah! Time out! Look, I’m not going to win this with fisticuffs. Can’t you just let me pick up my gun and go for the Obi-Wan/General Grievous ‘shoot-you-in-a-vulnerable-spot’ ending?”
“Er... no,” Said Mouse-a-saur simply. “Now hold still while I kill you.”
Zail, however, had used the speaking as a distraction to manoeuvre around his foe and reach the computer at the far side of the room. “Ha! Got you now! I need only smash this Control terminal, and your command link to all of the MSEs on the ship will be severed! Once that happens, they will return here to the central hub for new orders, and the ship’s crew will follow them back here! You may get me, but you can’t fight everyone on a ship this large without your army! Its over!”
“Lamest... victory... ever,” Said Mouse-a-saur flatly.
Zail shrugged. “I’ll take it,” He said, and kicked the computer, smashing it in a vital system.
As the computer went dark, a new voice, smooth and female, rang out through the room, and indeed, throughout the entire ship.
Self destruct sequence initiated. Total annihilation of Halcyon Warrior in sixty seconds. “What?” Asked Zail, dumbfounded.
“Insurance policy!” Said Mouse-a-saur. “I’m one of those ‘if I can’t win then everyone will die’ villains.”
“Well that’s just great,” Said Zail, slumping to the floor. “I’ve killed
everyone. Just to be clear with the writer, this isn’t Vast Empire canon, is it? It’s not going on my wiki page or anything?”
I’ve just written the destruction of the Second Fleet’s flagship without consulting
anyone, what do you think?
“Well, at least I get to live on in the main storyline.” Said Zail. “Which reminds me, shouldn’t you be writing your next post for the official Fleet Story or something?”
Shut up! I’m taking a break and writing pure nonsense for a bit! Don’t argue or I’ll rewrite your main storyline love interest from a Twi’lek to a Gungan!
“Fine, I’ll be good and just sit here and wait for death then,” Complained Zail. “Actually, one last dig at Vader before I die.” Deep breath. “Noooooooooo.....”
BOOM!
- OOC:
- 2069 words. Just a bit of fun! Astute readers will note inspiration from things like Gremlins and Transformers, plus the fourth-wall humour prevalent in a lot of Japanese comedy. Note, this is purely a one off, and I shall be back to writing serious stuff this weekend. Feel free to post comments below, rather than taking up valuable room on the actual discussion threads.
After Action Report: Rampaging Mouse Droids. Flagship destroyed. Everyone dead. Non-canon disclaimer. The End.
