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ComNet > Stormtrooper Corps > Archived Specialty Storynet > Grahim (6.1 Marksman)
 
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Topic:  Grahim (6.1 Marksman)
Grahim
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Grahim
 
[VE-ARMY] Lance Corporal
 
Post Number:  256
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  Grahim (6.1 Marksman)
June 2, 2011 4:56:02 PM    View the profile of Grahim 
The small squad had been taken out to the open training field by Sergeant Major Droce whom is their instructor.

”Okay today we are going to see if these past weeks have taught you anything about how you use these.” The SGM said and pointed towards a rack where it was standing nine DLT-20A Blaster Rifles. ”This rifles have been specially prepared for you.” He said and gestured that they could take one each.

Grahim checked the rifle for ammunition and noticed that it was almost empty, it was only two shots left.

“Sir, moole weapon only have duey shots left.” Grahim stated.

“Yes it is meant to be that way. I hope you all remember that when we first meet I said that the spray and pray ideology is a load of bullshit. That's what I want to prove to you now. There is twenty training droids out there and you have twenty shots. So if one of you frakks up you all will be screwed unless someone gets creative.” Droce said. “Oh, I will see whom of you frakks up because your weapons gives of different energy signatures which will be recorded when you hit the droids.”

The Sergeant Major left them and said that he would soon start the training droids so they should be alert to begin to move on his mark. The group decided what kind of formation they should use and so on. They decided on a diamond shaped formation. A new recruit got to take point. Not that rank really mattered here, they were all fresh meat when it came to using long rifles.

They walked up a small height. They saw three of the training droids. The droids started to shoot as soon as they picked up movement on their sensors. Fortunately nobody got hit. The new recruit pulled out his rifle. Started to calibrate for how much the wind would effect the bullets trajectory. He also calibrated for the distance between him and the droid. Then he pressed the trigger, a pulsing red bolt left the rifle and hit the droid straight in the head. This disabled the droid. The other two droids had also been dealt with in the same manner.

“You still have seventeen droids to take out, so don't just stand there get your asses moving.” Droce said over the commlink.

“Those of you whom shoot this time you should save your last bolt for later. Let's make sure that everyone has their turn.” a middle aged trooper said, Grahim almost remembered the man's name. It was Terry Asimov or something like that.

They walked down from the small height to get ambushed by five training droids. Two of the recruits got hit. Grahim didn't care to check after them took out his weapon aimed at the closest droid calculated the distance to hundred meters. The wind had died out so he didn't need to make any calculations to counter the wind. He aimed at the left side of the droid's torso. The only problem was that he hadn't taken into consideration that it might not be blowing in the vicinity of the droid. Though this time he was lucky the droid got hit on the right side about the same height as he had aimed. But had it been a stronger wind current around the droid he might have missed it completely.

The droids weapons was put to stun so the trainees whom had been hit was knocked out.

“Wesa needs to take deysas ammunition.” Grahim said and took one of the knocked out troopers rifles and removed the clip. He fastened the extra clip at his utility belt, Terry Asimov did the same with the other trainees weapon.

“We only have twelve droids left to take out and we haven't missed a single shot... yet.” Asimov said. They moved on. Grahim checked how many bolts he had energy to on his new clip. It had power for one shot, so he must have taken it from someone who had taken out a droid at the first attack.

The largest problem Grahim had with this test was to keep all the different calculations how to calibrate the weapon to do as you want. But he thought that he had gotten the hang of it. The group kept walking. They came to a open field were there was two trenches adjacent to each other. The trench furthest from them there were droids firing at them. They rushed down towards the trench. They all crouched until the droids had stopped firing. They all stood up and took aim at a droid each and fired. Eight droids fell down deactivated. Then all dropped down to take cover and reload their rifles. Grahim thought about it realized that there was four droids left.

“Whom isa out of ammunition?” Grahim yelled. The old soldier and three recruits answered that they were out.

“Okay, I will take the one furthest on the left.” A female Falleen trooper named Kynxa said.

“Okeeday. Yousa will take datsa mackaneek mesa will take de middle left mackaneek und yousa duey will have to chose which yousas will take.” Grahim said and stood up aimed at the droid that he needed to take care of.

He aimed carefully at the droids head. He wanted to take his last enemy with style. The droids was spraying bolts against them he knew that he couldn't keep standing aiming either he needed to shoot or duck for cover. He chose the latter. He knew that he would get a new chance in a few seconds.

This time he raised, aimed and fired in one movement, then he ducked down into the trench again. He heard the sound of a droid falling backwards and hitting the ground. Not long after he heard three more similar sounds.

Grahim felt joy and ease washing over him because he knew that he had done it. He actually had managed to finish the last test. They all walked back to their instructor. When they walked up to him they saw a smug smile on his face.

“I had hoped the lot of you would make it, usually my hopes are wrong. But this time I have managed to get eight out of ten to finish the course in one try.” Sergeant Major Droce said. “Now we only need to give you some certificates and add to your file that you have completed marksman training.
Grahim Nass Sad
RAIDERS Squad
TRP/LCP Grahim/2SQD/1PLT/1COM/1BAT/1REG/VEA/VE[AS-H][AoT][CDS][ESC09]


AS-1/LCP Grahim/STCA/VEA/VE
Raziel
ComNet Sultan
 
Raziel
 
[VE-ARMY] Lieutenant Colonel
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Champion
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Post Number:  1977
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  RE: Grahim (6.1 Marksman)
June 6, 2011 3:27:50 AM    View the profile of Raziel 
First sentence incorrect tense:


"The small squad had been taken out to the open training field by Sergeant Major Droce whom is their instructor."

Should be "who was"


Second paragraph

"where it was standing nine DLT-20A Blaster Rifles"

Should be

Where nine DLT-20A Blaster Rifles were standing
or
where it was holding up nine DLT-20A Blaster Rifles


Second paragraph:

"Grahim checked the rifle for ammunition and noticed that it was almost empty, it was only two shots left."

Should be "there were only two shots left"


Third paragraph: Would your trainer know gungan numbers?


Fourth paragraph:

"There is twenty training droids out there "

Should be "there are"

"weapons gives of different energy signatures "

Should be "Weapons give off different energy signatures"




I won't give feedback further through the post at this point.

I liked the concept of the story of limited shots. I'd have liked a lot more description of the action, phrases such as "Fortunately nobody got hit" give a rough overview of what is going on, but leave the reader none the wiser for what is actually happening. It would be very hard to form a mental image of events.

I won't put any more as at this point I have to go away and decide whether to mark this based on the fact that English isn't your first language as the mistakes make it quite hard to read.
Imperial Network Star Wars Image
LTC/Raziel/1PLT/1COMP/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE/(WoS1)(VP1)(VP2)(SC) [BoA][EW1][CDS][IH][GC][RoT][IG][SoS][GroM][PoC][CoH]
ARC Commander: Alpha, Beta Squads

"God does not play dice with the universe" - Albert Einstein
"Who are you to tell God what to do with his dice?" - Bohr
"God does not play dice with the universe. He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time." - Terry Pratchett
CM/DJK Raziel/lion 1-5/Krath/VEDJ/VE (WoS1) (VP1) (VP2)
[This message has been edited by Raziel (edited June 6, 2011 3:28:09 AM)]
[This message has been edited by Raziel (edited June 6, 2011 3:29:35 AM)]
[This message has been edited by Raziel (edited June 6, 2011 3:30:17 AM)]
Raziel
ComNet Sultan
 
Raziel
 
[VE-ARMY] Lieutenant Colonel
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Champion
[VE-ICS] Privateer
 
Post Number:  1995
Total Posts:  2873
Joined:  Feb 2001
Status:  Offline
  RE: Grahim (6.1 Marksman)
June 20, 2011 6:25:09 AM    View the profile of Raziel 
My apologies for not replying sooner. I'm afraid this is going to need a major rewrite to pass. The story is fine, but there are just too many errors.
Imperial Network Star Wars Image
LTC/Raziel/1PLT/1COMP/1BAT/1RGT/VEA/VE/(WoS1)(VP1)(VP2)(SC) [BoA][EW1][CDS][IH][GC][RoT][IG][SoS][GroM][PoC][CoH]
ARC Commander: Alpha, Beta Squads

"God does not play dice with the universe" - Albert Einstein
"Who are you to tell God what to do with his dice?" - Bohr
"God does not play dice with the universe. He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time." - Terry Pratchett
CM/DJK Raziel/lion 1-5/Krath/VEDJ/VE (WoS1) (VP1) (VP2)
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