(Note that in the following review type thing, when I say "mess" I mean something a little stronger, but I censored myself cos I can't get away with as much here as I can in #ve :P)
First of all, let me say that I did not go to see Attack of the Clones tonight. I saw a different film entirely – one best named Star Wars: Episode II: Don’t Mess With Jedi.
That piece of advice is all I had in my head from the moment that Episode II threw off any post-Episode I fears. All that happened was Obi Wan Kenobi took a running leap out of a window. My jaw dropped.
I thought, bloody hell.
I thought, damn he’s good.
I thought, you don’t mess with Jedi.
I thought, Luke Skywalker really was a bit of a wuss.
Remember that parody of ESB that did the rounds a couple of years ago, in which Vader berates Luke for being such a disappointment? Well, after seeing Episode II, that makes perfect sense.
Let’s think about Anakin for a second. He’s clearly a headcase. He’s a headcase in his romantic-yet-stalkerish affection towards Amidala, he’s a headcase who has no idea how to behave in public, he’s a headcase with a phobia of taking orders or being contradicted, yet who doesn’t seem to realise he would get a helluva lot further with some basic diplomacy.
He’s a headcase. And given what he’s been through, I don’t blame him.
Let’s think about Shmi. I think it all got summed up quite nicely by Weird Al: “He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye, saying ‘soon I’m gonna be a Jedi.’” Remember why he left her there? Yes, that’s right, it’s because Qui Gon Jinn couldn’t be bothered rescuing her. Why is that? Because the Jedi Council decided that Jedi cannot form attachments. Well boys and girls, you got THAT one pretty badly wrong.
To all (and yes, this includes me) who thought that Anakin fell to the Dark Side thanks to some clever manipulation from Palpatine, well, that’s wrong too. He fell because the system that existed was one that he could never be a part of. Everyone – from Obi Wan at the bottom who tried to be a father and failed, to Yoda at the top who allowed Anakin to be trained hoping he would bring balance to the Force, everyone in Anakin’s entire life existed in opposition to him, didn’t understand him, and either tried to control him or use him for their own ends.
Except Amidala, who did nothing other than accept him, whether he’d had a nightmare, or stared at her, or just slaughtered an entire camp of Sandpeople. No wonder Leia later remembered her as sad.
Back to Yoda.
Oh. My. God.
Almost the only spoiler I’d had for Episode II was that Yoda got his sabre out. I was worried it would be, well, ridiculous. But it wasn’t. Oh no. When he did his martial arts pose, a cheer went round the cinema. When he ignited his sabre, there was applause – started by me, I might add. I’d always thought of Yoda as a bit of a whiney git. You know, sitting there resting himself on Dagobah while he complains about Luke not doing enough to obliterate the evil that Yoda’s basically ignoring.
I thought again.
No WONDER he gets frustrated with Luke, when by Old Republic standards, Luke was remedial at best. No WONDER he complains when Luke can’t lift an X-Wing, when Yoda can hold back a whole damn mountain!
Let’s talk about the little touches that had my eyes widening every few scenes and grinning at my brothers.
There was the Imperial logo on Obi Wan’s starfighter. There was the reason why Boba Fett is so, well, pissed off at the world. There’s the Death Star. There’s plotting that’s totally perfect, and the start of what is, in retrospect, the only plausible way that the Empire could have begun.
There’s the Imperial March. The Imperial March, by RotJ at least, was basically Vader’s theme . . . and the first time I noticed it’s main tune was just after Yoda had his vision about Anakin’s pain.
Perhaps most of all, there’s the reason why Palpatine gives a damn about Anakin in the first place. It’s pretty clear that he has no problem finding or making Dark Jedi when he needs them. He’s had Tyranus working for him for a decade, and he was frighteningly efficient. He trained Darth Maul so well that even on his first mission, when he was still an apprentice, he was able to kill a fully trained Jedi Knight. What’s the big deal about Our Man In Black?
It’s not that he’s the most powerful Jedi ever – that’s a potential threat, one that, of course, got fulfilled in the end.
It’s not the prophecy – again, bringing balance to the Force is hardly what a Sith Lord wants.
No, it’s about what Anakin himself wants. He wants to learn how to stop people dying. He wants to be able to make immortality. What do you give a Sith Lord who has everything? Why, you give him time, of course.
After I saw Episode I, I enjoyed it – and in the last three years I’ve grown to love it. But Episode I was nothing compared to this. The first thing my brother said when the end credits rolled was, “George, I forgive you for The Phantom Menace.” After Episode I, I was so ready to see Episode II that it hurt. Am I ready to see Episode II? Oh hell no.
Come back to me in another three years. I need to sit down and think about the film which sent The Phantom Menace, A New Hope, and maybe even The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi away crying. I need to think about this every day, I need to understand every character, every scene, every pixel of light.
Then, then I’ll be ready to see Episode III . . . and I’ll be sad that Star Wars is over, and glad that it ever began.
Thank you, George. Tonight you reminded me what it feels like to believe.
And you gave me one hundred and one reasons not to mess with Jedi.
[This message has been edited by
Say
(edited May 16, 2002
9:08:58 AM)]
