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Author
Topic:  Recruit Reporting In
Comedian
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[VE-NAVY] Crewman
 
Post Number:  1
Total Posts:  3
Joined:  Dec 2010
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  Recruit Reporting In
December 15, 2010 3:33:33 PM    View the profile of Comedian 
Hello all, The name's Comedian..

Have a great day!
Comedian
ComNet n00b
 
Comedian
 
[VE-NAVY] Crewman
 
Post Number:  2
Total Posts:  3
Joined:  Dec 2010
Status:  Offline
  RE: Recruit Reporting In
December 15, 2010 4:43:06 PM    View the profile of Comedian 
Physical Appearance
Homeworld: Tatooine
Age: 25
Species: Human
Native Language: Basic
Gender: Male
Skin Color: Tanned
Height: 6'0"
Weight: 189
Hair Color: Black
Facial Hair: Some Fuzz
Eye Color: Black
Scars: None
Tattoos: a small shamrock on his left arm
    * Physical Description

  Comedian is an average human male, his hair is always slicked back and he is somewhat well groomed other than some fuzz on his face..

He usually always wears his espression as an angered person and he also wears a light brown bantha skin jacket with light brown cargo pants and a pair of black fingerless studded gloves, his shirt is always white under his jacket and a gold necklace can be seen

    * Character’s Background

  Not much is known of Comedian, his name has been long since shedded and he is swarmed with a shadow of mystery and intrigue, his whole identity is one out of a mystery text and nobody knows his true identity.

what is known, by rumors was he once was a noble trader on his home world of tatooine until the rebel scum came and ransacked his home executing his wife and small child, the rumors have even said that when they did this he took their weapons from them and slaughtered the rebel bastards with their own weaponry.

ever since the start of the rumors he has roamed the galaxy and in the last few months decided to allign himself with the empire, working on aquirng his wings and hoping to one day lead a squadron of his own..

In his past he'd been so wrapt up in his families liniege that he'd flushed out all possiblities that his own parents were traitors of the rebel flag, this would later on come to haunt him.

His mother was supposedly a Trader on tatooine, trading information and schematics of certain intelligence to and from the rebel forces that landed and accompanied the regions beyond their own, his father had been rumored to be an imperial smuggler of high stance and nobility, although these rumors were highly spread among spacers and those that thirsted for propaganda of certain types both were and could never be proven, even by the empire.

Years later Johnny came into his own and attended the mos eisley traders community with his love of droids, he bought them straight from his friends that were those of the jawa nature, repaired and implemented new codes into their mame frames and afterward resold them at a much higher price, his own fame and fortune was slowly coming into light, but what really went on was more of a secret, Johnny under the callsign of Comedian worked with a pirate organization and infiltrated several rebel info-centres and stole vital documents that he in-turn sold back to the pirates he affiliated himself iwith as his real name, these documents were always stored inside a secret compartment only known to the buyer and seller(s) all the while his trade identity was that of Johnny and not Comedian

a few years later he married the daughter of a local security marshall and shortly afterward they had a child, nine months of harsh child bearing and a grueling twelve hours in the delivery room but the child united them fully in their relationship and a year later Comedian's parents both were killed, supposedly crashed in their ship in a revine but comedian was less than amused with those finds.

He still traded but kept an eye on the unordinary until the day came, he had left his trade tent and walked over to the cantina when a couple soldiers came into the bar and ordered two corellian ales and talked amongst themselves about a trader and his family that were about to be killed, comedian walked up to them and started to chat "Hey boys hows it goin today?" he said with a friendly tone seeing as both were lowly pilots and unarmed and were visibly drunk "Good son, other than our company off to see an end to a pesky trader and his toddler and wife" this was enough to smack a bantha out of its stupor and comedian took his hands from a red hot rage and broke both pilots necks in two moves.

running from the tavern he saw a group of soldiers running into  house and he snapped, Taking a small gun from the speeder bike next to him he slowly made his way to the underground tunnel that his family once dug into the confines of the perimeter incase they needed a quick escape while the house was torched by its own traps, upon making his way to the hatched door he heard the rebel officers inside interogating his wife and their son was crying he pulled opn the door a crack and waited til the soldiers were directly in the line of fire as he patiently waited to gun down the rebel officers.

when a young female recruit stepped near the door and the officers walked outside ordering her to remain inside and guard the perimeter Johnny saw it as his chance and he grabbed her as she peered inside the door shooting a blast through her head the soldiers came running and saw the door ajar and the recruit laying in a pool of her own blood they started to open fire on the door but johnny was too crafty he made his way around the room firing upon them as their backs were turned seeing as it was the only way to defend his family and secure his house yet again in the end he saw his wife and child laying in pools of their own blood, taking his family in his arms he recognized the fatal shot as one he had done and swore revenge and burned their bodies so no traces were known and made a small grave site that read "Johnny, Tracie and Mikel..May peace find them in their departed life" and set sail for his own personal vendetta's

Personality:

Mysterious, Driven, Emotionally Detached...
The less you know about me, the better off you are!
Imperial Network Star Wars Image
Comedian
[This message has been edited by Comedian (edited December 15, 2010 4:46:00 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Comedian (edited December 15, 2010 10:48:27 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Comedian (edited December 15, 2010 10:53:53 PM)]
[This message has been edited by Comedian (edited December 16, 2010 12:39:47 AM)]
DeepSix
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DeepSix
 
[VE-ICS] Pirate Swabbie
[VE-NAVY] Petty Officer 2nd Class
 
Post Number:  83
Total Posts:  973
Joined:  Jul 2010
Status:  Offline
  RE: Recruit Reporting In
December 15, 2010 9:21:44 PM    View the profile of DeepSix 
Hi there and welcome to VENA.

I am Petty Officer 2nd Class DeepSix and i'll be in charge of your fate until you graduate. In other words i'm your boss, your teacher, your best friend and your worst enemy all at once. Groovy, eh?

By posting above you just completed your Imperial Initiation and at the same time began your Basic Training (BT). You've already made your character i see which shows both initiative and resourcefulness on your part - this pleases me and i congratulate you for it. Take a moment and imagine me patting you on the back......... Okay, moment's over and instead it's now time to actually offer some useful feedback.

The physical appearance is fine. The physical description and personality could be further developed but are otherwise also fine. The background however - not so fine in my opinion. It is one thing for others or even for himself for that matter not to know or be certain of almost anything regarding his past, thus maintaining the air of secrecy and mystique but there should however be a clearer outline of that past... Currently the only thing actually stated in the background are the rebel incident and his subsequent quest for revenge.

When did that happen? What did he do up until that point? Did he have a happy childhood? You said "noble trader" - if noble as in nobility then how come his past isn't known by more individuals even if only just locally? Even that particular incident could better be described. Like how many rebels there were, why did they kill his family and came ransacking his place in the first place seeing how they're supposedly military and would as such be required to act in a certain way, did he have help when disarming them, did he get wounded in the process, did he stay and bury/burn his family's remains or did he just left to kill some more rebels? These are but a few details that you could for instance add to that background, and although seemingly small, combined they would provide the reader with a better image of your character.

Also, you don't really "acquire" a squad, you at most get to lead it in military sanctioned drills and ops, and wouldn't for instance be able to borrow it for say a little personal vendetta. A small nitpick as well - Navy uses the term squadron rather than squad. We have flights, squadrons and wings.

If you have any questions send me a PM or get on IRC and go to the Naval Academy channel (#VENA) where we can talk more. That said, once again welcome and good luck!

A few useful links:
•    Basic Training
•    Flight School
•    Wiki Page Tutorial
•    JavaChat
FM/PO2 DeepSix/Γ-3/S:153 Rhegent's Reign/W:58 Javelin/VSD Dead Gun/TF:R/2Flt/SFC/VEN/VE [MC2] [IG]

FL/PO2 DeepSix/B-1/S:137 Raptor/W:46 Defiance/PLF Saratoga/TF:TH/3FL/SFC/VEN/VE [MC2] [IG]
Comedian
ComNet n00b
 
Comedian
 
[VE-NAVY] Crewman
 
Post Number:  3
Total Posts:  3
Joined:  Dec 2010
Status:  Offline
  RE: Recruit Reporting In
December 15, 2010 10:32:51 PM    View the profile of Comedian 
I am on IRC, but don't see you..and yes, I shall reword and edit the post for more clearer information for myself.

Fully Edited (I Hope)
The less you know about me, the better off you are!
Imperial Network Star Wars Image
Comedian
[This message has been edited by Comedian (edited December 15, 2010 10:54:25 PM)]
DeepSix
ComNet Novice
 
DeepSix
 
[VE-ICS] Pirate Swabbie
[VE-NAVY] Petty Officer 2nd Class
 
Post Number:  85
Total Posts:  973
Joined:  Jul 2010
Status:  Offline
  RE: Recruit Reporting In
December 16, 2010 10:58:45 AM    View the profile of DeepSix 
It was 5-6 a.m. so i ended up turning in for the night...

The extra details do indeed look better. There are still a few things that don't fully make sense or aren't perfectly clear - mother a double agent? father an imperial, a noble and yet a smuggler as well?, callsign usually implies a military or paramilitary connection, why would a rebel military unit be dispatched to take care of mere civilians like they were some sort of raiders of sorts?, how come he referred to himself as Comedian just hours or possibly days after that incident?

I'd also suggest the use of a spellchecker, like the one provided by MS Word or Mozilla Firefox for instance. Neither are perfect but they do further decrease spelling mistakes in one's posts.

Basically just make it a little clearer and you're good to start Phase II.

Good luck!
FM/PO2 DeepSix/Γ-3/S:153 Rhegent's Reign/W:58 Javelin/VSD Dead Gun/TF:R/2Flt/SFC/VEN/VE [MC2] [IG]

FL/PO2 DeepSix/B-1/S:137 Raptor/W:46 Defiance/PLF Saratoga/TF:TH/3FL/SFC/VEN/VE [MC2] [IG]
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