[a five part ending to VIN sort of requires its own topic, don't you think?] For a while, things looked a little grim for us, but after beating the senior writer out of his funk and pointing out that he really has nothing better to do, Varneck Inheritor Nergal is now back on track. However, considering the depths of depravity that we have now sunk to, do we really want it back? VARNECK INHERITOR NERGAL dubbed in English Episode 13: The Final Nights Part 1: Paradigm Shift The Ninja ran. He didn’t really know why he was running, mostly because ninja aren’t capable of that complex of a thought, but he ran. It was a primitive fight or flight instinct inherent in most animals. That and if he stopped running then the mostly dead guy on the motorcycle with the golf club would catch him. Okay, perhaps he did have an idea why he was running. Of course, even a ninja can’t outrun a motorcycle. “Paradox backlash mostly dead guy three martini lunch polo golf swing of justice!” the mostly dead guy called out as he overtook the ninja. “FORE!” The ninja’s head flew an appreciable distance, past two observers, a panda and a writer wearing a black hat. The panda held up a sign. “Was this really necessary?” The writer nodded. “Yes, yes it was.” ***** Now that that is out of my system… Admiral Stan Sanders was stunned at this latest revelation (no, not the mostly dead guy on the motorcycle, the one at the end of the last episode). “So, this means that there is an intruder aboard this ship,” he said as he examined the open cockpit of the salvaged invader war machine. “This was unexpected.” “Sure is,” Aniston agreed. “We should get security down here on the double, just in case.” Narm nodded. He had just happened to be in the launching bay when they had brought the machine in. “No!” Stan suddenly declared. “Nobody else hears about this. We could have a panic if the rest of this mob learned that there is an enemy aboard.” “But sir,” Narm protested, “you can’t really expect us to ignore this…” “I expect you men to find this intruder before he causes any problems,” Stan said. “Handle this, commander.” He turned to walk out. ***** As this went on, Tycho and Merrick spoke of geopolitics and socio-economics in the ship’s recreation room. Well, not really. “So much for cooperating with the military,” Tycho said as he played a mean game of table tennis with the port wall. “I wonder what they’d have to say if they knew we were busy sneaking off to Vol to pick up Daishi.” “You know as well as I do that we have things that need to be taken care of on Vol,” Merrick replied.  “Things that the military can’t know about just yet. We still need to get the third vessel ready for deployment.” Tycho nodded, though he felt a little amused about the whole thing. Before Merrick had come along, he had been the company man aboard the Nergal. He was pretty sure he knew almost as much about what was really going on as Merrick did, but the very fact that she was here now seemed to say that the higher ups with the VEEC didn’t entirely trust him anymore. Just how long would he still be in the loop? And just how much could he accomplish while he was there? “I will admit, however,” Merrick said, “Mr. Lee’s fate is certainly far more important to me.” “Oh yeah?” Tycho asked mischievously, turning away from his table tennis game. “So you’ve fallen for his charms too, eh?” “Now hold on a second!” Merrick shouted, “Why does everyone on this ship assume that any woman that meets Daishi will instantly fall in love with him?” “Statistical probability?” Tycho replied. “Just look at his track record over the last few months. It’s quite disgusting really.” This only seemed to get Merrick even more incensed. “My only interest in Daishi is his usefulness as a test subject! Robert Lee is the only human we know of capable of bosan jumping. We need him if we are to ever unlock the secrets of this phenomenon. Do you understand me?” “Yes I do!” another voice suddenly declared. Merrick turned around to be confronted by Tina. “And I have to say that I don’t like it! You will leave my Robert alone or I’ll…” “You’ll what?” Merrick demanded. This brat teenager that Tycho had chosen to command the Nergal had been getting on her nerves ever since she’d come aboard. “Well? You’ll hit me? Kick me? Rearrange my hair?” Tina was dumbstruck. She had apparently had a big long speech planned and having it derailed like this had thrown her for a loop. “What kind of captain are you anyway?” Merrick continued. “Wasting everyone’s time chasing after that fool of a pilot when you have responsibilities to the VEEC and…” Her tirade was cut off when she felt an invisible hand slap her across the face. Tina hadn’t moved a muscle, but there could be no doubt she was the source of that blow. “Don’t you ever talk about Robert like that,” she said menacingly. Merrick felt the red mark on her cheek that, despite being the result of direct manipulation of the force and not an actual slap with an actual hand, still looked like a hand print. “You little brat,” she said, “just who do you think you are?” Tycho vividly remembered the last cat fight he had seen Tina get into. The one where she blew up an island and knocked Eridani slightly off its axis. For the safety of the ship, he knew he had to stop this quickly. “Oh there you are captain,” he said as though suddenly just noticing her. “There were some budget problems we needed to go over…” he took her by the arm and led her, sort of unwillingly, out of the room. He hoped he had managed to avert a catastrophe. ***** [editor’s note: we have instituted the practice of identifying Stormie as Stormie-chan when he is a she. Therefore any confusion after this point is your own bloody fault] On the bridge, other secret (umm yeah, “secret”) meetings were taking place. “I’ve thought it over,” Stormie-chan said, “and I can’t go back to being just an army trooper.” She took the transfer form that Argon was SUPPOSED to have given her in the last episode and tore it in half. “You’re sure about this?” Argon asked. “Yes,” Stormie-chan said with a smile. “You’re stuck with me for a while longer.” Argon frowned. “I can’t get you to change your mind?” “No,” Stormie-chan replied. “I decided to accept the risks of serving aboard this ship, just as I have accepted what this curse has done to me, and to us.” She rested her head on Argon’s shoulder. “And I suppose that after this war is over you’ll be wanting to settle down…” Argon stiffened (no, not that way you bloody perverts, I don’t write hentai) “I would rather not talk about it.” Stormie-chan looked up, surprised. “What are you going to do after this war is over?” Argon felt a new measure of resolve forming within him. It was something that needed to be said. “I don’t want to talk about that, I don’t mix my personal life with my job.” Stormie-chan pulled away from him. “What is that supposed to mean?” she asked. “Am I a part of your personal life or your job?” No going back now. “I can accept either,” Argon said, “but not both.” Stormie-chan was shocked. “How can you say that to me?” “All systems are nominal,” Ruri suddenly said from her station. Both Stormie-chan and Argon turned red in surprise. “How long have you been there?” “I arrived before you did,” Ruri replied. “Of course, since I’m just a kid, I wouldn’t understand such an adult conversation, which in this case I am infinitely thankful for. Though I will admit, the biology of it staggers the imagination.” In the fine tradition of the art, both Stormie-chan’s and Argon’s faces displayed previously unknown shades of red. “Ah, is it over already?” came a voice from behind a consol. Stormie-chan and Argon turned around, finally noticing the three pilots crouched behind the consol. “What are you three doing there!” Argon demanded. Generec En Pee See One stood up. “We…We were just servicing this panel here!” she declared in a rapid fire voice. “We didn’t here anything and even if we did it’s just none of our business and we weren’t snooping or anything like that…” “Idiots,” Ruri said. ***** Soon after, almost as if by magic, the Immortal Warrior plushies began appearing all over the ship. Immortal Warrior stickers soon followed, scattered in sheets all over the corridors. Roving patrols of engineers dressed as their favorite battlemech scoured the ship. Ruri, finding herself buried in the plush little engines of war in a cute way that would just make some of the creepier fanboys drool, just frowned. “Yes, they’re all idiots.” Meanwhile, Aniston reveled in his pure umm… genius. “I’m so brilliant it scares me!” He declared, clutching a sheet of Immortal Warrior stickers in one hand and a plush Vlad Ward in the other. Around him, his engineers were reporting the completion of their missions to scatter Immortal Warrior merchandise throughout the ship. “If our intruder is as much of an Immortal Warrior fan boy as we think he is, there’s no way he can resist such tempting bait. He’ll be ours in no time!” Meanwhile, Narm was doing his part. The atlas suit he was wearing wasn’t all that comfortable, and for the life of him he couldn’t figure out how Aniston talked him into this. He walked nonchalantly through Uncle Yo-sims Bar and Grill (as nonchalantly as possible considering he was dressed in a giant robot suit), noticing the recent upgrades. On the stage, a six piece all-ninja jazz band played. Against one wall was a fireplace, complete with the head of a six point trophy plot continuity fairy mounted above it. A crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling. Briefly he wondered how so many complicated renovations could have been done to the ship’s cafeteria in the middle of a war with no steady source of supply or resources, but then he decided not to think about it. “Hello ladies,” he said to the Deathwookiee girls, trying not to notice their looks of utter confusion. “Have you seen anything peculiar?” “Umm…well…” one began to say, only to be elbowed in the ribs by another. The Deathwookiee looked on nonchalantly. “So what’s going on Narm?” he asked. Narm leaned in conspiratorially. “I’m on a secret mission. Don’t tell anyone about this.” He then walked off. “Umm, sir?” one of the Deathwookiee girls said to the Deathwookiee. “Is our executive officer cracking up?” The Deathwookiee nodded sagely to his assistant. “Yes, he is.” “Does this mean we have to cook him now?” “No, my child,” the Deathwookiee replied. “The brain parasites might be contagious.” ***** In her room, Aku watched Immortal Warrior. Despite her status as a devoted servant of all that is evil in the universe, Aku’s room didn’t at first glance reflect the evil that was in her heart. The frills, the fluffiness, the hint of perfume in the air, the man sized stuffed animals that stood a silent vigil simply didn’t fit a servant of the dark side of the force, which was fine because Aku, though thoroughly evil and very much a force user, was not a servant of the dark side. She served another, far more terrible master. But that’s beside the point. “I’m sorry,” the main character was saying to another, a female, “but your brother has pledged his loyalty to my evil sister, I must destroy him. I have no choice.” The main character stepped away, walking to his hulking battlemech. “Why, Victor?” the woman called after the main character, “Why do we always have to fight?” Tears ran down Aku’s cheek. “Yes, Robert,” she said, on the verge of crying, “Why do we always have to fight?” In an instant the anguish vanished with all the skill that only a professional actress like Aku can manage. “I could have done that scene a lot better than she did,” she said. The fact was that very little in this world made Aku sad, and Robert certainly wasn’t on that list any more than Immortal Warrior. If anything, Robert’s continued resistance to her… lets just call them charms, mostly frustrated her. She saw a power within him, a power that she knew she and her master could utilize, and let’s face it, she wanted his body in, well, the worst way. That he appeared to be one of Geist’s closest friends among the crew would only make his eventual conversion to her master’s cause all the more delicious. Though Geist would have no qualms dealing with Aku, even ending her life if he had a reason, there was no way he could bring himself to stand against her master again. But now really wasn’t the time for such thoughts. Robert was currently stuck on Vol waiting for the Nergal to come pick him up. She very well couldn’t work to turn him while he was several light years away. She moved to switch off the viewer. “WAIT!” Aku watched stunned as one of her stuffed bunnies leapt from its place to land within a few centimeters of the viewer, watching the scenes unfolding on the screen with rapt attention. “Oh my god, it really is!” he declared as he watched. “This is the legendary lost episode 621!” Aku just blinked for a few moments before finally speaking. “Mr. Fluffy?” ***** Geist walked into the hangar bay, noting the Immortal Warrior paraphernalia scattered about and Aniston cackling a little madly. Like the Deathwookiee, his first thought was brain parasites. He waited for Aniston’s cackling to die down before he approached him. Aniston looked surprised when he caught sight of Geist, quickly concealing the immortal warrior plushy behind his back. “Umm… hey, Geist, fancy seeing you here…” he said. “Hello,” Geist said. “I was wondering if we got any packages from my wife before we left?” “Huh? Oh… yeah!” Aniston said as the rusty clutch of his mind finally shifted gears. “Five of them. Big ones too. What did your wife send you anyway?” Geist smiled. “Just something for the pilots,” he said. “She’s kind to a fault you see, and she’s got some spare time with the kid in school and all, so she decided to get a project to work on.” “What are they?” Geist was about to answer, however the sounds of a fight spilling into the hangar bay interrupted. “Come back here you slimy reptile!” one of the combatants demanded. Warm water went everywhere as the male (for the time being) fighter spun through the air in a series of maneuvers that, if not actually breaking the laws of gravity, at least bent them into pretzels. “Who are you calling slimy?” the other yelled. Though he was moving through the air too fast for anyone to get a good look at him, his enormous size and the occasional flash of gray business suit were unmistakable. Both students of the Anything Goes School of Jedi Arts were showing all of the powerful potential of that school as they clashed throughout the hangar bay, flashing from point to point faster than the eye could track. The only real markers of their relative positions were their glowing lightsabers. For a while, everyone was enjoying a remarkable show of spinning lightsabers darting through the hanger at speeds and in directions that defied all reason. “Quit hogging all the popcorn,” Aniston said to Geist. Of course, the enjoyment soon went out of the show when Stormie reminded everyone in no uncertain terms what the Anything Goes School was truly about. “FIST OF THE MA DEUCE!” He shouted, suddenly the hangar became a very unfriendly place as big, fat, fifty caliber rounds began spraying out in virtually every direction. His once darting and dashing form finally came to a stop at one end of the hangar bay, where he stood panting and cradling a fifty caliber machinegun in both hands (don’t ask where he got it from). His lightsaber hung, switched off, from his belt. He looked to see the results of his handiwork. Argon landed at the other side of the bay, untouched by the slugs that had ripped through the air like a swarm of angry, bone shattering wasps. He stood there, his lightsaber also stowed, an assault rifle in each hand. Everyone had been so worried about ducking for cover from the first barrage that they hadn’t noticed him using the Revenge of the Angry Gun Nut technique, which was pretty much the same thing as the Fist of the Ma Deuce, but with assault rifles. Shell casings, both 50 caliber and 5.56 millimeter, littered the floor. “I didn’t want it to come to this Stormie,” he said menacingly, “This isn’t any of your business.” “HAH!” Stormie returned. “How could you stand there and say it ain’t none of my business? You ain’t got no right to do what you did to me…or her…or… DAMNIT, I’M JUST GONNA KILL YA AND BE DONE WITH IT!” He lunged at Argon, the now empty machinegun raised high for a skull cracking blow. Acting quickly, Argon dropped his now spent weapons and called his saber to his hand, slicing the machinegun in half before it could strike him in the head. Stormie called his own lightsaber back to his hand and jumped to a safer distance, dropping the rest of the gun. “I suppose it was too much to hope that Argon and Stormie’s girl half could fall in love and raise a family of future students for the school,” Geist said. He shook his head and decided he should probably do something to break up this fight. Over in another part of the bay, an Asian woman (no, not that Asian woman) and a writer in a black hat got into something of a shouting match over the validity of this scene, but that’s not important now. Geist stepped forward as Stormie prepared to utilize the Ryu Ginsu Ken (dragon knife-capable-of-sawing-through-a-brick-and-sold-in-hour-long-infomercials fist) technique. Argon was ready to counter with the angry flaming housecat strike. If Geist didn’t act quickly, things were going to get really bad, or at least weird. He grabbed a fire hose. Stormie brought up his lightsaber. Argon prepared to light the kitty. Geist suddenly hosed Stormie down with a jet of icy water. The now helmswoman was knocked to the ground. Argon dropped the kitty, which scampered off, still smelling of accelerant. Geist sorta hoped it would make it. As it scampered past the writer in the black hat, he stopped arguing with the Asian woman long enough to throw a lit match at it. He didn’t really like kitties all that much. The kitty, however, escaped unharmed. “Argon, get out of here,” Geist ordered. Argon instead turned to watch Stormie-chan stager to her feet. She had a look in her eyes, not the same homicidal anger that her male form had possessed, but something else. Angry, hurt, defiant. She made a big show of ignoring Argon. Feeling a bit defeated, the Whipid withdrew. The writer and the Asian woman continued to argue, breaking out charts and diagrams and precedents and volumes of manga and episodes on DVD. We really shouldn’t worry about them. They’re happier like this. “Come boy,” Geist said to Stormie-chan. “You need some more training.” Stormie-chan shook her head. “Not now old man, I am not in the mood.” “I wasn’t asking, boy,” Geist replied. “Training will help you relax.” Stormie-chan tried to argue, but Geist’s position was unassailable. She eventually submitted. Meanwhile the Asian woman proved just how rabid a fangirl she was when she pulled a mallet out of thin air and delivered a solid blow to the writer’s head, dropping him like a sack of flour and knocking the rusty gears of his mind out of alignment. ***** I hate hamsters. I mean, I really do. Especially Japanese hamsters that speak in butchered hamster dialect English and have adventures. I mean, jeez! Its time everyone united behind the great alliance of gerbils and white mice to overthrow the hamster menace! [editors note: This rant actually went on for a while longer, but in the interest of good taste we got rid of most of it after a metaphysical mechanic was done re-adjusting and applying some WD-40 to the rusty gears of our senior writer’s mind. Our senior writer is currently running good as new, or at least well enough to be coherent…we hope.] ***** Tycho may actually have averted a serious incident. By the time Tina and Merrick ran into each other again, in the women’s sauna, both had had a chance to cool off some. Of course, Merrick still went after Tina, its just the threat of a thermonuclear incident had been greatly reduced. “I don’t think there’s any problem with you expressing your feelings for Robert openly,” Stormie said to Tina nervously for a variety of reasons. By a stroke of random chance designed to make all the creepy fanboys convulse and bleed profusely through the nose, most of the female crew of the Nergal were using the woman’s sauna at exactly the same time. Though each of the unnaturally lovely girls was wearing a towel for the sake of modesty and censors, it was, to say the least, a sight to behold. “I disagree,” Merrick said. “I admit that I haven’t been on this ship for very long, but I’ve seen more than enough to worry me.” She turned to look at the captain. “Just why did you become an officer anyway?” Tina thought about that very carefully. It really was a difficult question for her to answer, if for no other reason than it revealed information about herself that she hadn’t really intended to reveal. Of course, Merrick might already know about her origins because of her connections to the VEEC, so she guessed it would be okay. “I guess it’s because as an officer I can truly define my own identity,” she said. “What?” Merrick asked, seeming quite confused. “What are you talking about.” “I’ve only had a physical body for two years or so,” Tina said. “And the fact is that what little time I’ve had has been spent living a lie. Everyone thinks of me as just another admiral’s daughter, but I’m so much more than that, and here I can be who I am.” Most of the people in the sauna that had overheard Tina’s statement just stared. “Huh?” Merrick said, dumbfounded. Geist sighed and shook his head. A few girls turned, briefly surprised. For a moment they thought there was something wrong about him being in here, but they just couldn’t put their finger on what it was, so they promptly forgot it as Somebody Else’s Problem™. “You’d think that with me in control of a completely unregulated and unsupervised organization with extensive military and scientific assets, the higher ups would at least try to figure out what I was doing with my time,” he complained. “The short form is this. About three hundred years ago Tina was a promising young student of an obscure school of force users known as the mindwalkers who unfortunately got run over by a landspeeder. Though her body eventually died, she was able to sever her spirit from her body, effectively turning herself into a ghost, which is how I eventually met her. I felt sorry for her, so using the assets available to me as Director of Special Projects, I had a new body grown for her and planted her in Riel Fury’s home as his daughter. I assumed someone would have figured it out by now.” “You mean she’s not really Riel Fury’s daughter?” Merrick uttered in surprise. “She is in every way that matters,” Geist said. “Tina just had a secret. If secrecy bothers you so much, Merrick, then by all means, lets be honest.” He gave her a grin. “So, shall we start with the Marduk?” Merrick frowned. Where did he hear about that? “You make your point very convincingly you old coot,” she said, “but my complaints stand. She’s just here so she can be herself? What kind of commander has no ambition, no drive? Just what are her goals?” “I think the captain has done a pretty good job,” Stormie said. His (what did you expect? It’s a sauna, steam is hot water vapor) nervousness much lessened now that Geist has started speaking without getting stoned to death. “Do you think all the people that have died on this ship would agree?” Merrick asked. “A captain can’t just stumble her way through a war hoping that everything will turn out all for the best.” “I agree,” Geist said. “As a member of this crew I would be extremely interested in knowing what our captain’s specific goals are.” Tina looked contemplative. “I guess my goals are pretty much the same as any captain in wartime. I just want to get through this war and keep my crew safe. I spent three hundred years haunting the mindwalker temple on Gauss and during that time I saw many powerful mindwalkers with a great deal of personal ambition fall into oblivion because of their ambitions. I’m simply happy being who I am and serving however I can. ” “Those who let their ambitions destroy them are fools,” Merrick said. “And just what are your goals, miss eye on the prize?” Generec En Pee See One asked. She had been listening for a while and decided to speak up. “I intend to be in charge of the VEEC in three years,” Merrick replied. “Really?” One asked skeptically. “Being in charge of the VEEC will allow me to influence the economic growth of entire planets,” Merrick said. “It would allow me to single-handedly shape the course of their history, and perhaps that of the entire Epsilon Sector.” “Hmmm…” Tina said. “Maybe my ambitions aren’t quite as megalomaniacal as yours, but I’m happy with them.” The discussion got a little more heated as Merrick took exception to the megalomaniacal crack and Tina sheepishly apologized (she meant to say grandiose but for some reason it had come out megalomaniacal). In the meanwhile, Aniston and his boys watched intently through the ever so slightly open door. “You realize they’ll shove us into an airlock if they catch us watching them again?” one of the techs pointed out. “Who cares?” Aniston said with a lecherous timbre in his voice, “just kill me now!” A hand almost seemed to shoot up from the floor, covering Aniston’s mouth and pinching his nose shut. He struggled with the suffocating grasp for a few seconds before finally breaking free. He looked down to see Generec En Pee See Two standing there. “What are you doing?” Aniston demanded. “Are you trying to kill me?” “That’s what you wanted, right?” Two asked sweetly. “So just what are you bad boys doing here?” “Well…umm…you see…it’s like this…” “I’m waiting,” Two said with the sort of sweet innocence that promised bloodshed if Aniston couldn’t give a VERY good answer. Awe heck, the admiral can be hanged for all Aniston cared. “The fact is that we’re looking for an intruder.” The door shot open and several women stuck their heads out. “An intruder?” all of them asked in unison. ***** Stan was busy doing paperwork when the calls started coming in. “Admiral!” Tina’s was the first holographic floating disembodied head to appear over his desk. “Is it true that there’s an invader spy aboard stealing women’s underwear?” “Did you order Mr. Aniston to be a peeping tom in the girl’s sauna?” Generec En Pee See One asked next. “And what’s this I hear about you ordering the maintenance crews to inspect the girl’s locker room while we were still inside?” Merrick demanded. The Nergal had an extremely small crew for its size, but a quirk of fate (or contrivance) seemed to make a lot of them women. And almost every one of them was right now hovering above Stan’s desk in holographic form, angrily demanding to know what kind of perverted game he was playing. “Why me?” he asked the gods as he pounded his head against the desk, “Why always me?” ***** After the commotion outside the sauna, the women quickly filed out to go back to their work and to avoid further peepers. Of course, two men followed them out as well, surprising Aniston to no end. “Wha… how… who… huh?” he asked as Geist straightened his bathrobe, having marched nonchalantly through the throng of women clad only in towels and their own inhibitions (and sometimes little of either), dutifully followed by Stormie. Geist smiled enigmatically. “Training for infiltration. This too is part of the Anything Goes School,” he said sagely. “Hey,” Aniston said, regaining his senses, “that’s a pretty neat trick. I don’t suppose you could teach me that one?” Geist shook his head. “No, I fear that you will not use the Somebody Else’s Problem™ Cloak for good.” “Awe, come on,” Aniston pleaded. “I promise I’ll be good.” Geist just turned to walk away. “Come, boy,” he said to Stormie. They left the room. “Jedi elitist!” Aniston called after them. The pair changed back into their cloths, the Cloak of Somebody Else’s Problem™ still covering them in the women’s locker room, then walked for a while back towards the bar and grill before Stormie spoke up. “I’m sorta worried,” he said. “About what?” Geist asked. “Well, umm… It’s… well…” “Spit it out, boy,” Geist said impatiently. “I think I’m going through some changes,” Stormie said. “I think my curse is doing things to me, at least when I’m stuck as a girl, making me feel things I don’t wanna feel…about Argon… I’m afraid it’s gonna spread to my guy side and…” his voice trailed off. Geist stopped and looked around, briefly worried. “What’s the matter?” Stormie asked. “For a minute I thought we’d wandered into an after school special.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” Stormie demanded not a little annoyed. “Nothing,” Geist said. “It’s the curse, plain and simple, it sort of comes with emotional and mental baggage. I eat a lot of this weird bamboo stuff when I’m a panda, but I just can’t stand the stuff when I’m normal.” Stormie blinked. “Oh. Okay.” He felt better now. The way his girl half had been carrying on with Argon tended to make him nauseous. The sooner he got  a cure for this thing, the better. The writer in the black hat wandered by, muttering to himself over and over again that it really wasn’t his fault. ***** Meanwhile, in an orbital station high above Vol, Daishi found himself serving out rice. Why rice exactly? Why not? It is a noble food, if dull and uninspired. Furthermore it’s what the defenders of Vol, having been under siege by the invaders for a short while now, had to eat. Resources were scarce, and rice was relatively easy to come by, so Daishi served it. “So did you manage to contact the Nadesico?” the woman that helped run the station’s cafeteria asked him as he worked. “Now I told you dozens of times already, honey,” the woman’s husband said, “it’s not the Nadesico, it’s the Nergal.” It was an important correction to make, but we won’t hold the woman’s error against her. “Yeah,” Daishi said with a hint of resignation in his voice. “It took me too long though. I couldn’t get through in time to save Generec En Pee See Four.” The man in the brown robe at the counter sipped at a glass of heavily recycled metallic tasting water before speaking up. “I’m surprised, Daishi,” he said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you get this upset over the death of a soldier before.” “It’s not that simple, Master,” Daishi said, briefly causing some eyebrows to be raised at such an apparently formal and subservient form of address. It was, of course, neither formal nor subservient, but not many people knew that the jedi sitting at the counter just happened to go by the name Master. “How do you mean?” The semi-retired Imperial affiliated Jedi Knight had been traveling through the Vol system on business when the Invader blockade had clamped down on the system. Random chance alone had found him on the same station as his former comrade in arms. “She died in my place,” Daishi said. “She died because the VEEC wanted me as a test subject, and because they didn’t warn her about what kind of enemy she was facing. That just pisses me off. I had two whole weeks in which I could have warned them, and I just couldn’t get through. It was like the universe itself was united against me.” Master hmmmed and took another drink, instantly regretting it. It didn’t matter how good a water recycling system was, if you recycled the same water over and over again enough times, eventually the filters stopped helping all that much. “So what brings you here anyway?” Daishi asked. “Jedi business,” Master said, his tone became deathly serious. “Master Skywalker has informed me that he has sensed the awakening of a great, ancient evil somewhere in the Epsilon Sector, and since I’m one of the few light Jedi capable of moving about openly in this region of space, he asked me to poke around and see what I could find.” “Sounds spooky,” Daishi said, wondering if the Deathwookiee was registering as supernatural evil again. At least he wasn’t sending the Jedi Academy threatening pastry anymore. “It is,” Master agreed. “I’m told Master Skywalker had a dream about it that made him scream like a little girl for at least an hour.” “Well,” Daishi said, “whatever it is, I’m sure we’ll run into it at some point.” He poured himself a glass of water and sniffed it suspiciously. It didn’t smell TOO bad. “You should think about joining up with us on the Nergal.” Master nodded. That just felt right. It was the kind of feeling that made a master jedi pin all his hopes on an eight year old podracing slave whom he’d never met before. Something told him the Nergal was where he needed to be, almost as though he was reading god’s notes or something. “Besides, Geist’s opened a bar on the ship,” Daishi added. That settled matters. ***** There were a few disadvantages to being cursed like this, Stormie-chan thought to herself as she walked through the corridors of the Nergal, leaving something of a trail of water drops in her wake. One of them was that arrogant chauvinist she had to share this body with. His thoughts were so… well… male! He had no idea what it was like being locked in his head while he went about his typical pig life. Like today in the woman’s sauna. Training for infiltration indeed! It must be said here that Stormie-chan was still quite a bit hurt over Argon’s rejection/ultimatum/heart breaking statement (cruel, awful, mean, heartless Argon Viper!) and as a result she had trouble right now looking on the myriad of different male species with anything but disdain. They were, in her current way of thinking, all pigs. Another problem had to do with the rest of the pigs on this ship. Her male form couldn’t walk around this ship for more than a few moments before some crewMAN who preferred to look at her female form would splash her with cold water (as one had a few moments ago). Nobody ever tried splashing Geist with cold water. Argon’s voice came across the intercom, informing the crew that there was an intruder aboard the ship. “He sounds like he’s announcing a fox hunt,” Stormie-chan said to herself. She stopped to shake some of the water out of her hair, and stopped when she realized she was making a mess. This wasn’t going to work. ***** Aku looked up startled when she heard the buzzer on her door beep. “Oh, gosh,” she said. She turned back to the invader spy disguised as Mr. Fluffy. “Don’t move!” she ordered. The buzzer beeped again. “Come in,” Aku said, as calmly as she could manage. The door slid open and Stormie-chan entered. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” she said, “but I was wondering if I could borrow a towel?” She looked around the room a little uneasily. Aku was something of her friend on account of the two of them working side by side for so long, but Aku’s taste in room decorations were just plain creepy. Without seeing it, Stormie-chan accidentally stepped on the remote control for the viewer, which lay on the floor. The screen was soon alive with Immortal Warrior. There was a dramatic scene where one of the secondary characters died. Mr. Fluffy gasped. Aku briefly panicked. Stormie-chan just blinked a few times. In the truest honorable spirit of a man who knew the jig was up, Mr. Fluffy stood up and pulled his head off, revealing the human head concealed underneath. He saluted. “I apologize for this deception,” he said. “I am Star Colonel Joe Umitsubame of the Clan Krayat Dragon, attached to the expeditionary forces of the Clan Federation of Jovia and its associated moons and asteroids.” More blinking ensued. ***** Daishi sat on the shore of a lake, thoroughly depressed. He wasn’t sure why he was depressed, and he wasn’t sure if it really mattered, but he was depressed. He could hear Tina footsteps as she approached. She had just gotten her new body, and now she couldn’t just pop out of the ground like… well… like a ghost. This meant that for once, he could hear her coming. And he was thankful, because he didn’t want to talk to anyone. “What’s a matter, Robert?” she asked. “Are you feeling alright?” “Just leave me alone, Tina,” Daishi said. “I don’t want to talk to anyone.” “Were you in a fight?” Tina asked. She sounded concerned. “Just go away!” Daishi demanded. Instead, Tina crouched down before him. “Hey,” she said. “You wanna see a magic trick that will turn you back to normal?” “Huh?” Daishi was surprised, and, against his better judgment, curious. “Just close your eyes,” Tina said. Not really sure why he was doing it, Daishi closed his eyes. Tina kissed him. It was one of those kisses given when you really mean it. Long, slow, tender. It was… Daishi’s senses returned in short order. His eyes snapped open and he broke away from the kiss. “Gah!” he said, angry, scared, irritated, and {AHEM} all at once, “What the hell did you do that for?” Tina giggled triumphantly. “See,” she said, “I told you it would turn you back to normal!” “Don’t you even think of doing that to me again, Tina!” “TO LATE!” She tackled him, pinning him to the ground and raining kisses on his face. ***** Daishi awoke to see a thirteen year old girl staring down at him with a look of concern. The dream still fresh in his mind, he recoiled in brief terror before remembering where he was. He was in the makeshift sleeping quarters of one of Vol’s orbital stations, surrounded by fifteen other people, each of them asleep. “Are you all right?” the girl asked. She was the daughter of the manager of the cafeteria where he had been working the last two weeks. “It was a dream,” he said, mostly to reassure himself. “Just a bad dream.” “You had another nightmare?” the girl asked. Daishi nodded. “I’ve been having them almost since this war started.” Of course that left out some information. He had been having bad dreams since Varneck was attacked, but these dreams, the Tina dreams, hadn’t started hitting him until the Nergal’s mission to Varneck had gone sour. They were the ones that bothered him the most. “What do you think it means?” the girl asked. Daishi didn’t answer that. He didn’t want to try to think about what his dreams about Tina might mean. “Wouldn’t it be cool if you were some kind of reincarnated warrior?” the girl said dreamily. The way she said it didn’t sit well with Daishi, especially not so soon after that dream he had just had. Without bragging he would admit that lately he has had some kind of good mojo when it comes to dealing with the ladies, and the last thing he needed was a thirteen year old with a crush or the angry father of said thirteen year old following him. Before either of them could talk any more along that vein, the alarm began blaring and the station was rocked by an explosion. That didn’t bother Daishi too much. The way the girl suddenly clung to him in terror on the other hand… ***** “Thank god we have a pilot of your experience with us,” the VEEC administrator of this facility said later as Daishi put on a pilot’s suit. In the launch bay before him stood a Hatav. “We have to destroy that invader before the VEN arrives.” “Why is that so important?” Daishi asked. The Administrator pointed to a nearly completed ship visible in the station’s main repair bay. “That’s why,” The administrator said. ”The Nergal’s sister ship, the Marduk. We’ve been building her secretly here for months in preparation for a return to Varneck.” “So the VEEC has been keeping things from the rest of the Vast Empire,” Daishi said. ***** Meanwhile, back at the ranch… “Are you sure about this, Stormie?” Aku asked as they pushed a laundry cart through the corridors of the Nergal, Star Colonel Umitsubame concealed under a pile of dirty laundry. “Mr. Viper might be upset.” Stormie-chan took on the indignant look that angry women do so well. “I can’t begin to say how little I care about how Argon Viper feels.” Her look softened some. “Besides, I’d like to hear what our guest has to say before we throw him to the wolves. Wouldn’t you?” Aku grinned and nodded. They kept walking. The ship’s laundry (run by droids) would be the best place to have a quiet conversation. Of course no such conversation would be forthcoming. As they turned a corner of the corridor, they were confronted by Argon Viper and a detachment of security personnel. “What are you two doing out here?” he demanded, placing a single hand on the laundry cart to stop it. “I don’t think that’s any of your business,” Stormie-chan stated. Aku kept her mouth shut, having seen the battle lines drawn and knowing it would be better if she just kept out of the line of fire. “Don’t you realize there’s a security alert in progress?” Argon said. “Yes,” Stormie-chan replied, “and I can tell you’re enjoying your little blood sport.” Argon decided to try a different tactic. “Until we locate the intruder, this ship is not secure. You’re both in danger here…” Said intruder had heard everything that the Whipid and the cursed helmswoman were saying to each other and simply could not take it any longer. He suddenly got to his feet. “How dare you speak to these women in such a disrespectful manner!” he shouted. He likely would have continued his rant if not for the security team, which took the opportunity to dogpile him. ***** “Well, he’s human,” Geist said. Star Colonel Umitsubame stood with his hands bound at Uncle Yo-Sims, which had fairly recently become something of the ship’s informal conference room. All of the Nergal’s command staff was assembled, and most of them had drinks. Some of those drinks even had little paper umbrellas, but we won’t name names. Technicians in the meanwhile put away the DNA analysis machine, stowing it behind the bar (of course there was a DNA analysis machine behind the bar, it’s Uncle Yo-Sims after all). Geist continued his report. “Aside from some minor genetic modifications, he is completely normal.” “But how can this be?” Tina asked. “We’ve been told for all this time that the invaders were aliens.” She turned to the prisoner. “Did the invaders recruit you to fight against your own people?” The prisoner was incensed. “How dare you imply that I have any connection to your barbarian society! I am a proud soldier of the Clan Federation!” This declaration surprised most of the assembled personnel. “You mean the invaders are human?” Argon asked in surprise. The sudden appearance of Ruri’s holographic head, however, interrupted before the questioning could continue. “Captain,” she said from the bridge. “We have emerged from lightspeed in the Vol system. My long range sensors indicate that several starfighters and one VEEC hatav are engaged in combat with one of the Invaders’ attack units.” “Oh my gosh!” Tina exclaimed. “Robert must be piloting that Hatav! Ruri, sound general quarters! We’re going in to help.” She turned to the rest of the bridge crew. “All of you get to your battlestations.” “Hold it captain,” Merrick demanded. “What are you going to do about those two traitors?” She pointed an accusing finger at Stormie-chan and Aku. “Saving Robert’s life is more important than bullying those two, Merrick,” Tina snapped. “We’ll worry about them later.” ***** A TIE interceptor blew up just above Daishi’s hatav. This was pretty intense. The starfighters had been swarming the surprisingly maneuverable invader for several minutes before Daishi had joined the battle, but they weren’t having much luck, the massive invader machine’s shields were too strong. “I knew it!” Daishi declared as he got a good look at the invader. “That’s the same guy that was on Endoven.” The war machine smashed another TIE with a blast from one of its main guns, then turned to face Daishi’s charging hatav. Daishi’s comm system crackled to life. “Your evil giant robot is no match for my battlemech!” the enemy pilot declared as he turned to ignore the much smaller machine and instead raked the station with heavy weapon’s fire. In the heat of battle, it didn’t occur to Daishi that a supposedly unmanned weapon system had just spoken to him. “Don’t you turn your back on me, [CENSORED]!” He shouted as he opened up with his heavy laser cannon and a volley of concussion missiles, actually breaching the behemoth’s shields and damaging one of its charged particle cannons. “Curse you, foul barbarian!” his adversary uttered angrily. “That is the single blow you will land on me!” It finally hit Daishi what was wrong with this whole thing. Why would an unmanned alien weapon be speaking to him? And in flawless basic no less? ***** “The captain is too soft,” Talon said as he escorted the prisoner to a makeshift holding cell at gunpoint. “That’s far enough,” he said, stopping the prisoner in a deserted looking corridor. He raised his blaster to line up on Star Colonel Umitsubame’s head. “I think the public would be better off thinking we are at war with inhuman invaders, which makes your existence something of a liability.” Umitsubame merely stared at Talon with a look of surprise, as though such underhanded acts were beyond his comprehension. “Sorry about this chum,” Talon said. His finger tightened on the trigger. The as yet unnoticed Stormie-chan chose this moment to deliver a blow to Talon’s head with a frying pan. “Start running,” she said as the unconscious playboy slumped to the deck. “But but…” Umitsubame sputtered, “I can’t break my prisoner’s parole like that!” Underhanded acts truly were beyond his comprehension. Aku stepped forward and with a thought released the locks on his manacles. “Well you’re not a prisoner now,” she said. “Just go.” “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!” someone else shouted. The trio turned to see Narm charging down another corridor. Umitsubame snatched up Talon’s gun and leveled it at the officer. “I’m sorry… EEP!” his apology quickly turned to fright as Narm whipped out a pair of blasters of his own and began spraying fire rather indiscriminately. Umitsubame and the two girls sought cover around the corner. Narm came charging around the corner, only to catch a frying pan in the face from Stormie-chan, and joined Talon in unconsciousness. The trio then ran for the launch bay. ***** “Just who are you?” Daishi demanded of the not so unmanned weapon he was facing. “I am a proud soldier of the Clan Federation of Jovia,” his opponent replied. “I am a hammer of righteousness that shall help bring true justice to the galaxy…” The enemy pilot continued his rant for some time, but Daishi was more focused on its implications. There was no doubt. No matter how good they were at speaking it, aliens never quite sounded human, this guy did. “He’s human. THEY’RE human. The invaders are human beings just like us! But that’s impossible!” Both machines hung in space, one pilot ranting, and the other coming to grips with the fact that yet again everything he had known about this war was wrong. Tina’s holographic head suddenly appeared in Daishi’s cockpit. “Robert!” she exclaimed. “Just hang on Robert, we’ll be there in a jiffy!” Since the comlink between Daishi’s hatav and the invader machine was still open, his adversary heard Tina’s declaration as well. “Reinforcements?” he said. “I must flee for now, but I will surely defeat you when once again we meet!” His war machine winked out of existence. ***** “Pilot Lee’s hatav is now landing,” Ruri reported. The ship was securing from general quarters now that the invader had jumped away. Narm sat at the communication station, his broken nose carefully wrapped up, trying to do Aku’s job since she had flown the coop with Stormie-chan and the prisoner. Tina looked downright depressed, which might have had something to do with Merrick’s continued harping on her over the current situation. “Thanks to your dubious decisions,” she said, “the prisoner has escaped and we have two missing crewmembers! Is this the way you are going to run this ship for the rest of the war captain?” “I’m sorry,” Tina said meekly. Daishi burst onto the bridge, having broken some kind of speed record in the process. “I just heard the prisoner has escaped!” he said. Tina’s face brightened considerably when she saw Daishi. “Robert!” she cried, but almost immediately she noticed that there was something different. Something wrong. Something angry. “All this time we’ve been fighting other humans,” he said to himself. “What is going on here? How could they do these things?” What is the matter with you, Robert? Tina asked herself this question but could not find the answer. There’s something different about you. You’re scaring me. ***** TO BE CONTINUED! Next Episode: Final Nights Part 2: The beginning of Nergal’s war.
 
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"Thinking before you act is counter-revolutionary."
~Uncle Yo-sim, All Knowing Bartender

So the invaders were originally banished by the Republic, Tycho is playing his own weird games with things, and we have a weird module attached to the hull named the Reality Bender, which was built by a bartender who apparently isn’t supposed to exist. Is anybody else as confused as I am? VARNECK INHERITOR NERGAL dubbed in English Episode 15: The Final Nights Part 3: Pure Talent; You’re the next captain of the Nergal! A few months have passed since the Nergal acquired its new module, and things have proceeded pretty much as normal. Ruri learned she was (again) a princess, though we haven’t yet figured out exactly how that works. Mr. Aniston in the meanwhile was caught embezzling an enormous amount of money from the VEEC, however no punishment was delivered upon him when it was revealed that he was using the money to build a pretty cool superweapon. After watching too much Immortal Warrior, Stan, our military liaison, was driven to attempt suicide by piloting said superweapon. Though the superweapon was destroyed in the flight, Stan survived when at the last minute he was replaced by his stunt double. He is currently resting comfortably in a mental institute on Eridani, and the doctors predict he might some day make at least a partial recovery. Given the high rate of attempted suicides among military liaisons stationed aboard the Nergal, no replacement has been provided for Stan. As I said, it’s been a fairly typical few months. The only real noteworthy piece of news is a message from the Baron Administrator that arrived on Tycho’s desk about a week ago. It said simply “Plan C”. Whatever that means, I couldn’t tell you. ***** “Grrr…be a star… be a star,” Tina said testily as she tore down posters featuring an image of the generic idol singer babe wearing a dress which was tight in all the right places. “These stupid be a star posters are everywhere!” she said as she came across a corridor lined with them. “Just what is going on here?” ***** “Oh yeah, a beauty contest!” Aniston said as he directed his engineers in setting up the stage. “Lots of girls in swimsuits and heals and…” The door opened to two Deathwookiee girls came in carrying a box of posters. “Did you order these posters sir?” they asked with synchronized cheerfulness. “Hey, ladies,” Aniston said. “Are you two entering the contest?” The Deathwookiee girls just stared uncomprehending. ***** Tina marched into Tycho’s office in something of a huff. “Just what are these?” she demanded as she dropped a stack of posters on his desk. Tycho briefly glanced at the posters before returning to his spreadsheets. “Posters,” he said. “And what’s on them?” Tina asked shortly. Tycho looked again. “A girl.” “And?” Tycho gave it another look. “A rather top heavy girl.” Tina gave up on that line of questioning. “Why didn’t anyone tell me about this beauty contest?” she demanded. “I’m the captain of the Nergal! People are supposed to tell me what’s happening aboard my ship!” “Oh, but we’re looking beyond that, captain,” Tycho said, finally giving Tina his undivided attention. “Huh?” “The crew of the Nergal is largely young people with bright futures ahead of them,” Tycho explained. “They need to start thinking now about what they are going to do when this war is over.” “When the war is over?” Tina repeated, not really comprehending. “Yes,” Tycho said. “Some day this will all be over. What will our young crewmen do when there isn’t any need for soldiers?” Tina blinked once. “I don’t think such a time has ever existed in the history of the empire,” she said. “Sure this war with the invaders will come to an end, but then there are the numerous other wars that the imperial factions have been fighting and will be fighting for a long time, and there will always be a need for soldiers. I always thought that anyone that was willingly serving in the imperial forces were doing it because that was where they wanted their lives to lead. Though that may not be the case with the crew of the Nergal, most of us have our  futures thought out already. In any case, I don’t think winning a simple beauty contest will be enough to define the course anyone would want their life to take.” Tycho opened his mouth to speak, the closed it. Damn her when she decides to act and think rationally. Okay, new tack. “How about it’s to improve crew morale?” Tina’s expression visibly brightened. “In that case I think it’s a great idea!” she declared. “Just wonderful! I might even enter myself…” “I’m glad you like the idea captain,” Tycho said. “And I was thinking we could make the winner captain of the Nergal,” he added rapid-fire, hoping she was too caught up in her own ideas to notice. This time, however, she wasn’t. “Huh?” “Oh, just a little idle thought I had,” Tycho said, trying to dismiss her inquiry. “What a great idea!” Tina declared, catcing Tycho by surprise. “If pop stars can be made fire marshal or police chief for a day, then why can’t the winner of the contest be made captain for a day? What a great gimmick!” Okay, perhaps she hadn’t quite caught his meaning… ***** “So all you space cadets that want a shot at being captain for the day,” Tina said later on a shipwide broadcast endorsing the contest, “enter the First Star of the Nergal Talent Competition today!” “So,” Master asked Daishi as the pair drank at the bar, “are beauty competitions a regular occurrence aboard this ship?” Over the last month or so Master had  gotten over the creepy vibes he got from Geist and his bar enough to become one of the place’s more regular patrons, especially since seeing as he had no actual duties aboard the Nergal except as a passenger he had nothing better to do. Besides, if he were really going to get to the bottom of this, he needed to know everything he could about Geist, and that meant spending a lot of time at his bar for… umm… surveillance. Yeah, that’s it. Surveillance and whiskey. Somewhere a good and honest jedi wept for the sins of other jedi, but then he might not be so uptight if he had ever gotten a date in high school. “Not really,” Daishi said, referring to Master’s original and probably forgotten question. “I think it was Tycho’s idea.” A writer with a black hat in his hand wandered into the bar and took his usual corner table. He wasn’t wearing a hat right now because of the ice bag applied to the lump on his forehead, the result of a rather unfortunate contract dispute with a young computer officer. The Generec En Pee Sees occupied their own table, and all their talk was focused on the competition. “Did you hear that the winner is going to be made Captain of the Negal?” Generec En Pee See Two said. “Who do you think it will be?” “I bet I can spy out the new captain,” Three said, than began to chuckle some. Two just shook her head. “That was way too pointless, even for this writer,” she said, tossing a glance and an empty pop can at the writer with the black hat. No, I’m not going to explain that one. “So what are you going to do for the competition, One?” Two asked her other companion. “I’m gonna sing a song!” “I’m not entering,” One said sullenly. “Wha?” Two uttered surprised. “But you gotta!” Three leaned in real close to One’s face, slurping up her noodles for effect. “So…” she said, “what are you planning to do when this war is over?” Almost unconsciously, One’s attention turned towards the kitchen, where Daishi was hard at work on some soup being judged by the Deathwookiee. Both Two and Three saw this, and both leaned in real close, blocking One’s view with their own knowing grins. “I bet I know what she wants!” Two declared. “And where she wants it!” Three added. “WILL YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF!” One yelled, “IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!” ***** Entries began appearing above Tycho’s desk in holographic format almost before the contest was formally announced. “Interesting…” Tycho said as he catalogued the various entries. He soon came to one that gave him reason to pause. “Loyal Sexy Undergrad Minion?” he said, reading the name of entrant 87 word for word. “That’s a little blatant, isn’t it?” The next entrant was girl named Lynn Minmay, and Tycho immediately contacted security. A few moments later there was a faint sound, almost like a young idol singer being ejected out an airlock, but we won’t dwell on that. (I always wanted to eject Lynn Minmay out an airlock) A few Ninja also wanted to enter, but because Ninja have no definable gender, they weren’t qualified. Tycho was still hard at work when the priority communication from Endoven came through. “How is it going, Tycho?” Bear, the VEEC man tasked with watching the shop while the Baron Administrator was on… umm… vacation, said. “Is everything going smoothly? Do you understand what we want to happen?” “Of course, sir, “ Tycho said. “After our little security breach concerning the identity of the invaders, morale is rather low.” Tycho didn’t feel obligated to point out that he was the cause of the little security breach. Some people just wouldn’t understand. “You want a new captain that will leave the crew like putty in your hands.” “Make sure of things, Tycho,” Bear said. “The Nergal needs a super idol captain to take their minds off of all the unimportant aspects of the war. Both the VEEC and the High Council want the crew happy and fighting. Happy enough so that they won’t care that we’ve been lying to them all this time, especially now that they have the reality bender.” “Of course, sir,” Tycho said, “just leave everything to me.” The communication came to an end and Tycho sighed. “Even for us this is sinking pretty low.” “Excuse me!” Tina said as her holographic image popped up. “There seems to be some misinformation going around, Tycho. People seem to think this is a competition for a new captain! Don’t you think you’d better clear things up?” “Oh… well…” Tycho began. He deftly turned his attention back to his work. “I’m afraid I can’t talk right now captain, I still have a lot of applications to process…” “Now hold it…” Tina said as her holographic image moved to keep in Tycho’s view. “You have to clear this up! People have to understand that winner gets to be captain for a day, not the new captain.” “There’s no cause for alarm, captain,” Tycho said. “Huh?” Wise man once say: think fast, talk faster. “Why isn’t it obvious?” Tycho asked. “With your dazzling looks and intelligence you’ll win without a doubt!” “Oh!” Tina replied with embarrassed, modest, flattered delight. ***** Meanwhile, somewhere else, orbiting a star far far away, two men argued, while a third watched. “How can you think of such heresy, Joe?” Star Captain Ken Uraki lamented. “A peace treaty with those barbarian hordes… It is unthinkable!” “Our goal in this war is to establish a lasting peace!” Star Colonel Joe Umitsubame countered. “We must be prepared to exercise every option!” “Don’t give me that, Joe!” Ken protested. “I know what this is all about! You have let yourself be possessed by that barbarian woman’s witchery!” He walked over to the wall, where one of Joe’s prized Immortal Warrior posters hung and tore it down, revealing another, far more damning poster underneath. A likeness of a certain helmswoman on a certain imperial warship. Joe blushed automatically upon seeing the likeness of the woman that lately haunted his dreams, any response he might have made to Ken’s accusation caught somewhere between his throat and…umm… lower down. “Is this true, Star Colonel?” Galaxy Commander Genbaka asked, having chosen this moment to finally speak. Joe turned away from the drawing of Stormie-Chan to face his commander. “My only concern is the establishment of a lasting peace, sir,” he said. “I believe the best path to that peace will be through negotiation.” “And you believe that the Empire will have any interest in peace as long as they have the Reality Bender?” the Galaxy Commander asked skeptically. “No, I cannot agree.” “But sir,” Joe protested. “If they truly intended to use the Reality Bender, they would have already. It has been months since they deployed the module, and they have made no effort to utilize its power.” “They may be waiting for an opportune moment,” the Galaxy Commander countered. “No, Star Colonel. We will not talk peace with the Empire until the Reality Bender is dealt with. Only when we have gained a position of strength again can we be prepared to talk peace, because only then will the barbarians be prepared to listen.” ***** “Welcome, fans, to the first annual Star of the Nergal competition!” Tycho announced, looking very fitting for his role of announcer in his shiny white tux. The ship’s grand ballroom (what, you’re surprised the Nergal has a grand ballroom?) had been quickly and quite successfully remodeled to accommodate this event. The audience, largely male (almost every female in the crew was a contestant) applauded enthusiastically, anxious for the show to start. “So without further ado, lets begin our search for the next captain of tomorrow! I present entry number fifteen, Generec En Pee See Two, singing the opening theme to Immortal Warrior, Princes of the Universe!” Two took the stage, clad in the classic Immortal Warrior garb of shorts and a vest. With great enthusiasm, she began to sing. “Here we are, born to be kings, we’re the princes of the universe!” she sang. “Well, this battle royal is off to a great start,” Aniston, acting as a commentator, said into his microphone as Two sang, “and we’ll be keeping track of the votes all through the broadcast. Now, let me introduce my co-commentator, former champion playboy Sierra ‘Talon’ Tarsus.” “Thank you,” Talon said. “But what was that about former playboy?” ***** Backstage, Stormie-chan was supposed to be getting ready (she was up next) but she was instead lost in thought. Thoughts of a dashing young, and coincidentally enemy, officer had been meandering through her head for some time. She had only met Joe Umitsubame once, and for a brief time, but there was just something about him… “Hey, Stormie,” she heard someone say to her. She broke out of her reverie. “Two is getting close to finishing her song,” Aku said. “You’re up next, right?” Stormie-chan nodded. She studied Aku for a moment. “Aku, why are you wearing that medtech’s uniform?” Aku smiled. “I’m going to demonstrate how to give a vitamin shot,” she said, displaying the old fashioned syringe (the likes of which hadn’t been seen in centuries). “You’re going to give someone a shot on stage?” Stormie-chan said. “Are you certified for that?” Aku waved aside Stormie-chan’s question and picked up the stuffed animal she had chosen for her subject. “Now don’t move, Mr Bun Bun,” she said as she attempted a practice run. The needle didn’t quite go where she was hopping. “I think I pierced Mr. Bun Bun’s lower lip.” ***** Two’s song ended with a flourish and something of a magic trick. A flash of a cloth briefly concealed her, and when she reappeared she wore, not the vest and shorts, but an itsy bitsy string bikini. She stood as she finished her song with the kind of slightly shy and innocent pose that drives some fanboys nuts. “And a strong showing by Generec En Pee See Two,” Talon said. “It’s talent like that that makes a true captain of tomorrow. Who’s up next?” “Next we have Stormtrooper 1026 with her Spacetrooper swimsuit routine,” Aniston said. “You have to wonder if the whole gender changing curse might hurt her a little in the votes.” “Now I don’t know about that,” Talon said as Stormie-Chan started her routine wearing a massive suit of spacetrooper armor. “After all, our crewmembers are certainly honest, reasonable people who will judge the contestants on their talents…” Stormie-Chan’s spacetrooper armor suddenly popped off, leaving Stormie-Chan standing there in a provocative pose wearing a swimsuit that was more wishful thinking than actual material. Behind Aniston and Talon, the vote counter for Stormie-Chan suddenly registered a rather dramatic increase. “Forget about curses,” Aniston declared. “In the here and now Stormtrooper 1026 is hot!” ***** It proceeded like that for a while. Girls came on stage and did their thing, and most of them somehow ended up in a swimsuit at the end. It seemed to be the winning formula, and the audience certainly seemed to enjoy it. “I lost my needle,” Aku said cheerfully when she got on stage. “So if anyone finds it, let me know.” A flash of cloth, and Aku’s medtech uniform was gone, replaced by the most scandalous swimsuit yet. “Wow!” Aniston declared as the vote count for Aku went up. “Aku can nursemaid me anytime!” He composed himself. “So who do you favor as the winner?” “Hey, I’m easy,” Talon replied. “Who’s up next?” “The Deathwookiee girls,” Aniston said. “They do everything together, but that might make judging them a bit difficult.” “It would be a shame to break up such a nicely matched set,” Talon agreed. ***** Of course, the Nergal was a combat warship in a potential combat zone, so obviously some of the crew had to be on duty, and those on duty personnel, namely two pilots, a computer officer, an all knowing bartender, and a writer in a black hat, paid rapt attention to their assigned duties on the bridge. Okay, so they were mostly paying attention to their duties. The writer was typing and the bartender was hanging around waiting for someone to request an explanation. It’s not like those two actually have any duties anyway. But the three actual crew members on duty were keeping their mind on their job… or rather the large holoprojection displaying the talent competition that hovered in the middle of the bridge. That’s sorta like their job, right? “Geez, Dai” Generec En Pee See One said. “You’re practically drooling.” Daishi didn’t look away from the Deathwookiee Girl’s performance. “Well, they’re so…talented. I’ve never seen KMFDM performed in quite this way…” “Whatever,” One said. She for one didn’t think the music fit too well with girls bouncing around on stage in skimpy outfits, but then, she just didn’t understand that girls bouncing around on stage in skimpy outfits went with EVERYTHING. I mean, what wouldn’t be better if it were done with girls bouncing around on a stage in skimpy outfits? Daishi, in the meanwhile, was starting to feel philosophical. He found that KMFDM tended to make him think deep thoughts. “Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be like those invaders?” he asked One. “I mean training your whole life to kill and not knowing anything else?” One shrugged. “I never had a problem with it,” she said, then got up from her seat. “I gotta go do a patrol now. At least I don’t have to watch any more of this meat market.” ***** In a silent coup, Narm quickly deposed Tycho as the announcer. Actually, he just grabbed the microphone before Tycho could announce the next contestant. After all, if anyone was going to announce this next girl, it would be Narm! “And here she is, ladies and gentlemen!” he said. “Entry number 1578!” “We don’t have that many entries!” Aniston protested, but Narm ignored him. “Such a vision of beauty has never before been seen!” he continued. “Here she is, the goddess of Gauss, the queen of space! Our beloved captain, Tina Fury!” Looking good enough to eat {ahem!} Tina took the stage and began to sing. “Zutto sagashiteta konna emotion, kimi ga fui ni mune no tobira akete kureta kara…” ***** “Where exactly did our captain learn Japanese?” Ruri asked nobody in particular. This was something of a cop out in her opinion. The writer began grumbling something about how hard it is to find bubbly pop songs for ditzy girls to sing. ***** “Donna houseki mo iro aseru hodo, pyua nakimochi nemutteita no ne.” “yume o oikaketara egao to namida no kazu dandan fuete yuku koto shitteiru kedo.” The song had something of a catchy tune to it, and even though there were only two people on the ship who had any real idea what was being sung (and one of them only vaguely, three years of Japanese in school and I can barely order a blasted coffee) everyone seemed to be enjoying it. “Doki ni ha motto watashi rashiku kaze o kanji tai, hoshizora mo kurayami mo massugu mitsumeru kara, ashita ha motto watashi rashiku aruki hajime tai, tatta ima no kirameki o itsumo daiji ni shite.” Narm was doing his best to keep on his feet and cheering, but the effect of Tina singing seemed to be sending him dangerously close to cardiac arrest. Poor fellow. Fortunately, a brief instrumental section ensued, sparing the young officer. ***** Generec En Pee See One’s hatav flew its lazy patrol loops. The only breakup of the monotony for One was the audio from the talent competition being transmitted to her from the Nergal. Watching that stuff tended to make her nauseous, but the background music was a good counter for the monotony of a patrol in which absolutely nothing is happening. Besides, she never thought the captain could sing quite this well. Suddenly the glint of light off an object far in the distance caught her attention. “What the… Bridge!” ***** “Doki ni ha motto watashi rashiku kaze o kanji tai, taiyou mo sukooru mo minna uku tomeru kara, ashita ha motto watashi rashiku aruki hajime tai, dare demo nai watashi no mirai o mitsuketakute.” Through some undisclosed means, Tina’s costume had been replaced in proper talent show fashion with a bathing suit as she came to the end of her song. “Dare demo nai watashi no mirai o mitsuketakute!” The crowd applauded, hollered, whistled, and cheered. ***** “You aren’t really going to make me go through with this,” Ruri asked after she watched the captain leave the stage. “Are you?” “It’s in your contract,” the writer replied. Ruri frowned. Someday, someone has got to let her sign her own contracts. “I am not happy with my contract,” she said. “There were certain guarantees…” “Well…” the writer stammered, “Word limits and budget concerns and all that… we couldn’t fit everything we wanted in… Nevertheless, your scene is essential.” Ruri found herself in a corner, so she tried her last card. “I’ll sing badly,” she threatened. The writer smiled a smile of victory. “No you won’t,” he said. “You have artistic integrity.” Ruri slumped her shoulders in defeat. “Damn you.” The young computer officer turned to her computer consol and mentally prepared herself. Best to just get it over with. “Hey, Bridge! Wake up damnit!” One’s voice over the comm system nearly startled Ruri. “Of course!” she said to herself, seeing a way out. She immediately opened a communications channel to the lone hatav. “This is the bridge, Pilot One,” she said. ***** “’Bout time!” One said as she used her hatav’s lightsaber to bisect another invader war machine. “They’re coming in from all over, I could really use some help here!” ***** “Damnit!” Daishi said as his hatav launched, the talent show forgotten in the face of this new crisis. “How could they have gotten so close without us detecting them!” Unmanned invader attack units were closing in on the Nergal from practically every direction, and Daishi could have sworn they were multiplying. Of course, there was little time to think about that, as he soon found himself in bitter combat. ***** “We have to get clear of these attackers!” Argon said as the Nergal shuddered from another attack by the invaders. “Our compression field cannot hold up against this pounding forever.” Tina remained silent. Aside from giving the orders for evasion and activation of the point defense system, she hadn’t said much since the battle began. “Concussion missile magazines at seventy-five percent, captain,” Ruri reported. “I am reading no appreciable reduction in the numbers of the enemy. Additional units are appearing at the edge of the battlezone as quickly as they are being shot down.” “How can that be?” Merrick demanded. “Our sensors aren’t detecting their approach. How can they just be appearing this?” Tina turned to Geist. “Do you have an explanation?” she asked. Geist nodded. “I think I will let my loyal sexy undergrad minion field this one,” he said. A holoimage of said loyal sexy undergrad minion appeared on the bridge. “It is apparent that the invaders are utilizing their ability for bosan jumping in a new way. In this case they are jumping their unmanned weapons in close enough to the Nergal to allow them to strike with almost no warning.” She smiled. “This system leaves us as exposed as I am now.” The holoimage zoomed out to show the minion’s full body, which was clad in… well… I’m sure you’ve picked up on the gimmick by now. Aniston’s holoimage popped up, with a holographic and steadily increasing vote count for the Loyal Sexy Undergrad Minion next to it. “There’s nothing more exhilarating than detailed technical descriptions from a lady in a swimsuit!” he declared. “No detail left covered,” Talon added. “Trust this girl to reveal it all.” Merrick pointed an accusing finger at Talon. “Aren’t you supposed to be out there with the other pilots?” “Oh… umm…” Ruri, in the meanwhile, was noticing something. “Captain, this is odd, but…” “We are being herded,” Tina said as if it were no real problem. “Huh?” most everyone else on the bridge uttered in surprise. Ruri decided to elaborate on her captain’s statement. “The enemy is attacking from almost every direction, but they always leave one path open to us, and because it provides the most room to maneuver, it is the path we have invariably taken. As the captain has said, we are being herded. More precisely, we are being herded into an ever tightening spiral. If this pattern holds true, we will be completely surrounded and boxed in in about eight minutes.” “Then we have to get out,” Merrick declared. Tina shook her head. “No, maintain evasion.” She looked down at Stormie-chan. “Stick to the spiral Stormie,” she told her helmswoman. “Now wait just a minute, captain!” Merrick protested. “This is obviously a trap! Once we reach the end of the spiral they will have us surrounded!” “They can have us surrounded any time they want,” Tina replied. “The invader attack units are much more maneuverable than the Nergal. The unmanned weapons aren’t here to destroy us, they are here to pin us in place when the time is right and wear us down until then. Then the enemy will strike with their real weapon.” “If that is so, then why are we playing into their hands?” Tina flashed one of her best ditzy smiles. “Who said we were?” She opened a comlink to the four pilots currently engaged in combat outside. “Hyee,” she said. “Could I get you to do me one teeny tiny favor in about six or seven minutes?” ***** “I sure hope you know what you’re doing,” Daishi said after Tina explained her plan. “Don’t worry, Robert dear,” Tina replied. “I know we’re fighting other humans now, and I know how humans think. This is so much easier than when I thought we were fighting aliens.” “Okay, Tina, but it’s going to be real ugly if you’re wrong.” ***** The minutes ticked by. Six minutes passed. “New contact, captain,” Ruri reported. “I am reading a massive energy buildup comparable to the one measured three months ago shortly before the destruction of the Marduk.” Tina nodded. “Very well,” she said. “And here is their trap.” “Captain, we have to get out of this spiral!” Merrick demanded. “If the invaders are preparing to fire a blast like the one they used at Vol, there is no way our compression field will stop it!” “We still have two minutes before they will fire, Merrick,” Tina said. “How can you be so sure?” Merrick wanted to know. “The spiral,” Argon said, having caught on to his captain’s train of thought. “Since they are trying to maneuver us into one specific point, we have to assume that this weapon cannot be aimed effectively against a freely moving target.” Tina nodded. “And the very precaution of the spiral suggests that the weapon takes some time to charge before it can fire,” she said, “and when it is charged it must be fired as soon as possible. That means any target must be at a very specific place at a very specific time. What will give us the advantage, however, are the power requirements.” “What are you talking about?” Merrick demanded. Tina just smiled. ***** Another minute passed, and it was time for Tina’s plan to be implemented. “All hatav units,” One ordered. “Execute power dump! Full speed! We have one minute to take that bastard out before it can fire!” It was a tactic almost as old as space combat. All imperial spacecraft had a power distribution system that could be altered on the fly, allowing for power to be transferred away from weaponry and defensive systems to the engines. This system could make even a ponderous craft suddenly a whole lot faster. Fast enough to cover an enormous distance in a very short time. All five of the hatavs were now hurtling through space, towards the ever increasing power buildup, at speeds comparable to a TIE Defender on crack. Of course their shields were slowly draining away to nothing and their laser cannons would soon become useless. They would reach the source of the power buildup in about forty seconds, and would have twenty more to destroy it before the ship could fire and vaporize the Nergal. Not that it would have a chance to shoot at the Nergal… ***** “Left seventy degrees, up twenty,” Tina ordered. The Nergal gracefully swung out of its shallow descending spiral, turning away from the path of least resistance it had been following up until now and into a solid wall of enemies. “Go to continuous fire on the munchion cannon, Ruri,” she said. “Blast us a way out of this spiral.” “Aye sir,” Ruri acknowledged. “Now you decide to break out of the spiral?” Merrick asked. “What about your plan?” “The hatavs can take it from here,” Tina replied cheerfully. “By now the power build up for their weapon should be high enough to force the Invader warship to shut down its defensive systems, if our data collected from Vol and other battlefields is accurate. The purpose of following the spiral until now was to compel the enemy to cross that point of no return.” “And what if you’re wrong?” Merrick asked. “What if that ship still has its defenses, what if it can target a moving ship?” “But I’m not, Merrick,” Tina said innocently. “The first principle of strategy is to know yourself and know your adversary. If they can fire at a moving target, they would not waste time with a strategy that serves no other purpose but to put the Nergal at a certain place and a certain time.” She smiled. “And even if they still have enough power for their defensive systems, it really doesn’t matter. Even if they do have time to fire, the Nergal won’t be where it was supposed to be.” ***** “What do you mean they’re breaking out of the spiral?” Star Captain Ken Uraki demanded angrily. The invader sensor officer cringed under his commander’s displeasure. “The imperial warship has turned and crashed through one side of our box, sir,” he reported. “The unmanned weapons can’t keep them pinned down!” “Damnit! That means they won’t be in place when the Infinity Cannon is fully charged!” “Captain!” the sensor officer broke in again. “Five imperial humanoid fighters are closing in on us at a very high rate of speed! They will be on us in ten seconds!” Ken slammed his fist against the command console. “Not now, damnit!” The infinity cannon was using up so much power that there was none left for shields. For this brief span of no more than thirty seconds, his ship was completely defenseless. For the imperials to send their humanoid fighters against him now… He suddenly had the horrible feeling that the imperials had been at least two steps ahead of him from the start. “Impossible!” he cried. “Those barbarians can’t have outsmarted us so…” The first hatav launched concussion missiles began slamming into his ship’s unprotected hull. Then again… “The infinity cannon has completed its charging cycle,” the weapons officer reported. Damnit “Stand by,” Ken ordered. “Sir?” One of the many problems with the infinity cannon was that when it was fully charged, the shear amounts of energy it stored caused a rapid degradation of its containment system. If it wasn’t fired within a few minutes of being charged, the infinity cannon would explode, and take the ship it was mounted on, and most everything around it, with it. “YOU HEARD MY ORDERS!” Ken thundered, then seemed to calm down a bit (a little bit). “Restore power to the defensive shields before those barbarian insects reduce us to wreckage!” As though to emphasize the situation, the ship shuddered from another wave of concussion missile hits, combined with several new and frightening sounds. “Sir!” the sensor officer reported. “The humanoid fighters have landed on the hull and are cutting into the ship with their energy swords!” Ken said nothing. All of his careful planning had proven to be for naught. To be defeated so handily at the hands of these barbarians was the ultimate dishonor. Far better, perhaps, to just wait for the infinity cannon to take both him and his tormenters out of the fight. “Captain!” the comm officer said frantically. “We are receiving orders from Star Colonel Umitsubame! He is ordering us to discharge the infinity cannon and withdraw!” Still, Ken said nothing. “Captain!” Ken slumped his shoulders in resignation. Retreat. Truly this was the final insult. “Very well. Discharge the infinity cannon and get us out of here.” How, exactly, Ken was supposed to escape the five humanoid war machines currently dicing up his hull, he didn’t know, or care. ***** Actually, that part was rather easy. The mere sight of that blinding beam of pure energy blasting from the invader warship’s spine was more than enough to make the hatavs want to be somewhere else. “Oh my god we didn’t destroy it in time!” One uttered in horror. “Nergal, are you there?” “We are fine,” Ruri reported over the comlink. “The beam missed the Nergal by a considerable margin. Most likely they just had to discharge the weapon before they could properly retreat.” “They scared the bejeezus out of me!” Two whined. “Lets go teach them a lesson!” Three suggested. “That would be a bad idea,” Ru