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Topic:  Public Discussion Thread: All Stories
Angel
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Angel
 
[VE-ARMY] Major
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Protector
[VE-ICS] Privateer Captain
 
Post Number:  3279
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  Public Discussion Thread: All Stories
August 17, 2010 10:09:39 AM    View the profile of Angel 
I'll volunteer myself first.

Ancient Secrets

Enjoy.

Edit: Yes, I realize I posted this story on the Army Main already, but it's still a decent start for those who have not read it yet.
Major Angel - Retired
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Dark Jedi Protector Angel - Headmaster
HM/DJG Phoenix/DC-03/Lopen/Dark Jedi Order/Vast Empire[VP:1]

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Privateer Captain Angel - mCRV Divinity
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[This message has been edited by Angel (edited August 17, 2010 11:50:06 AM)]
Raziel
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Raziel
 
[VE-ARMY] Lieutenant Colonel
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Knight
[VE-ICS] Privateer
 
Post Number:  1907
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  RE: Public Discussion Thread: All Stories
May 16, 2011 9:49:45 AM    View the profile of Raziel 
I am more than willing to discuss the two pieces of my work that are public on this board. They are seperated by about 7 years, so they should be quiete different in style.
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ARC Commander: Alpha, Beta Squads

"God does not play dice with the universe" - Albert Einstein
"Who are you to tell God what to do with his dice?" - Bohr
"God does not play dice with the universe. He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time." - Terry Pratchett
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Raziel
ComNet Marshal
 
Raziel
 
[VE-ARMY] Lieutenant Colonel
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Knight
[VE-ICS] Privateer
 
Post Number:  1908
Total Posts:  2873
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  RE: Public Discussion Thread: All Stories
May 16, 2011 9:53:02 AM    View the profile of Raziel 
Kami's DJK story from a long while ago is also now public. It's a bumper week for public releases, I hope you enjoy the reading!
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ARC Commander: Alpha, Beta Squads

"God does not play dice with the universe" - Albert Einstein
"Who are you to tell God what to do with his dice?" - Bohr
"God does not play dice with the universe. He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time." - Terry Pratchett
CM/DJK Raziel/lion 1-5/Krath/VEDJ/VE (WoS1) (VP1) (VP2)[/align]
Jegora
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Jegora
 
[VE-ARMY] Captain
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Knight
[VE-ICS] Pirate Lord
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Post Number:  1787
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  RE: Public Discussion Thread: All Stories
May 16, 2011 2:51:39 PM    View the profile of Jegora 
If you don't read Raz's or Kami's writing, you're a moron. These stories may be some of the best writing the Vast Empire has ever seen.
Not all who wander are lost.
Raziel
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Raziel
 
[VE-ARMY] Colonel
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Post Number:  2282
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  RE: Public Discussion Thread: All Stories
October 5, 2012 1:52:54 PM    View the profile of Raziel 
What the hell, releasing a few more public stories in the run up to opening the doors for one more applicant and our next runon.
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Raziel
ComNet Marshal
 
Raziel
 
[VE-ARMY] Colonel
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Champion
[VE-ICS] Privateer
 
Post Number:  2328
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  RE: Public Discussion Thread: All Stories
November 25, 2012 5:23:32 PM    View the profile of Raziel 
Comments/questions always welcome.

Just dont be rude.
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Raziel
ComNet Sultan
 
Raziel
 
[VE-ARMY] Colonel
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Exarch
[VE-ICS] Privateer
 
Post Number:  2624
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  RE: Public Discussion Thread: All Stories
May 20, 2013 8:33:20 AM    View the profile of Raziel 
Due to a clerical error only members of the DJO were able to post on this board.

This thread will now remain open for comments by other members.
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Trykon
ComNet Disciple
 
Trykon
 
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Templar
[VE-NAVY] Vice Commodore
 
Post Number:  2944
Total Posts:  3754
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  RE: Public Discussion Thread: All Stories
May 20, 2013 5:34:29 PM    View the profile of Trykon 
I'm honored - and only slightly nervous - to be able to share my story Mate: A Dark Jedi Knight's Journey with the VE's general membership.  Your comments and critiques are more than welcome, they're needed!  The only way to improve as a writer is to do three things: read critically, write a lot, and learn from both.  Help me learn as much as I can from writing Mate, by sharing your thoughts about the story here in this thread.  Thanks for reading, and enjoy! 
CNW/VCOM Wyl "Trick" Trykon/ISD Adjudicator/TF:A/2Flt/FC/VEN/VE

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(=*AE*=)(=*SAE*=)(=*TG*=)(=*SCFE*=)(=*FOCE*=)

CM/DJT Trykon/DJO/VEDJ
Raziel
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Raziel
 
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  RE: Public Discussion Thread: All Stories
May 20, 2013 5:55:21 PM    View the profile of Raziel 
Mate: that was an awesome story.

But you'll have to wait a few days for people to read through that beast!
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Skarr
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Imperial Supporter

 
Skarr
 
[VE-ARMY] 1st Lieutenant
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  RE: Public Discussion Thread: All Stories
May 20, 2013 6:15:17 PM    View the profile of Skarr 
Or if you have no life like myself, a few hours.
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"A leader leads by example not by force." Sun Tzu, The Art of War
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Khalldryn
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Khalldryn
 
[VE-ARMY] Private First Class
 
Post Number:  55
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  RE: Public Discussion Thread: All Stories
May 22, 2013 11:29:51 AM    View the profile of Khalldryn 
Loved it!
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Serpent
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Serpent
 
[VE-NAVY] Lieutenant Commander
 
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  RE: Public Discussion Thread: All Stories
May 24, 2013 2:54:22 AM    View the profile of Serpent 
Took me a while, Trick, but I read through it.  Absolutely brilliant, my friend, as ever!

High points were definitely the use of Zaq as a POV character for the first half, before switching to your character's point of view.  That worked really well.  And though at first I was a little unsure of some of the Kuati characters, I got a feel for them after a while and really empathised with how hopeless Zaq's life was becoming as they tried to keep him down.

It also seems that you really ramped up your descriptions for this one, and I found myself wincing at some of the terms you used in the sewer scene.  I've also never seen you swear or allude so blatantly to themes like sex in a story, so that was a nice surprise!

One last positive was the fight scenes.  They moved quickly and above all emotionally, and I really liked that.  I personally hate fight scenes that laboriously detail strike, counter, riposte, on and on ad naseum.  You don't do that, focusing more on the over all feel of the engagement, and I much prefer that.

A couple of criticisms if I may, though.  First, I didn't like how the prologue fit into the rest of the story.  When I first read it I was like "ooh, holocron, cool!" and instantly intrigued.  However, the story then went to Kuat and a far more grounded set of events before the Force was re-introduced.  This left the prologue a little... out of place.  As good a read as it was, perhaps the story would have been fine without it?

And secondly, I was a little thrown by the description of your character!  The term 'old' was used a lot, and you even went so far as to say 'codger'.  Not sure how I feel about that in relation to a 30-year old!  Yes, I grant he is older than Zaq, but 30 is not even old by the standards of the real world.  In Star Wars, where improved medicine can lead to substantially longer lifespans, I'd never use the word 'old' for a 30-something.  Unless the inference is that expose to the Dark Side has wasted at Trick so much as to give the impression of age?

Anyway, aside from those two little hiccups, I loved this story.  You're damn talented, my friend, and a great reflection on the DJO!
SCAP/LCDR Pherik “Serpent” Zail / VSD Brilliant /TF:Aurek/2Flt/FC/VEN/VE
[SoA][LoM][NAR][E][SoV][MiD][1NS][GWC][MC1][VC:E][CAR][AOx3][CoB.][NC][CC:3][CNQST](=*Eng*=)(=*BO*=)


"It isn't the killing, you know.  It's the beauty of battles that I love - the choreography and the challenge of executing everything
just right - and the challenge of matching your wits against a capable opponent." - Gilad Pellaeon
Trykon
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Trykon
 
[VE-DJO] Dark Jedi Warrior
[VE-NAVY] Vice Commodore
 
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  RE: Public Discussion Thread: All Stories
May 24, 2013 3:34:33 AM    View the profile of Trykon 
Glad you enjoyed it, Khalldryn, and thank you so much for the feedback, Serpent!

Regarding your second point, about Trick's age, I just want to clarify briefly.  30 is certainly NOT old, neither irl or in Star Wars!    What I was trying to go for with the various "old man" references was:
1. I wanted to convey the sense that Trykon was really good at disguise and manipulation.  Lekin was supposed to seem like an older man to the other characters, of maybe 50 or even 60 years.  Since Trick is obviously only half that age, the implication was that there was some very good acting going on, and maybe even low-grade steady-pressure mind trick stuff.
2. Then when Zaq starts calling Trick "old man" after they get together, it's just teasing.  Term-of-endearment kind of thing.
Now, obviously I was less successful in getting across those points than I'd hoped.  So I'm sorry for the confusion! 

One thing for Navy writers to keep in mind, though: Trick does look older than 30.  Thanks for bringing that up, Serpent.  While he's nowhere near as decrepit as, say, Palpatine, DJO "training" has certainly taken its toll, and the use of his very unusual "Lucid Body Technique" to use the Force has definitely had adverse effects on his health, both mental and physical.  Not that Navy folks are going to have cause to talk about Trick's age a lot, but if any of them were to hear he's only 30 years old, it would come as a surprise, I think.

Again, thanks for readin' and commentin'! 
CNW/VCOM Wyl "Trick" Trykon/ISD Adjudicator/TF:A/2Flt/FC/VEN/VE

[SoA][SoV][BWC][NSM][E][NAR][HNS][DSM][SWC][1NS][VC:B][LoM][VC:S][NC][GWC][VC:G][CoB][CC:4][2NS][LSM][VC:E][MSM][CNQST][IGC]
(=*AE*=)(=*SAE*=)(=*TG*=)(=*SCFE*=)(=*FOCE*=)

CM/DJT Trykon/DJO/VEDJ
Raziel
ComNet Sultan
 
Raziel
 
[VE-ARMY] High Colonel
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  RE: Public Discussion Thread: All Stories
June 1, 2013 7:12:52 AM    View the profile of Raziel 
I've added the first half of another runon to shadownet.
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