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Topic:  Roworth Hunters — Rhysati Lightrott
Bacredi
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[VE-NAVY] Ensign
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  Roworth Hunters — Rhysati Lightrott
April 26, 2009 11:25:19 PM    View the profile of Bacredi 
Zhar Bacredi—an Ensign in the Vast Empire Navy—boarded the Red Liaison. The Red Liaison was a Firespray-Class Patrol Ship that Bacredi used from time to time. Bacredi was wearing black pants, a tucked in white shirt, blue tie, and a black belt. His shoulder holster was unusually absent, and his pistol, a modified IvP-18 Tropov, was on the Liaison. Bacredi boarded the ship that was in Tadath Hangar Bay 879-1B, and he immediately sat in the pilot seat. Bacredi wouldn’t be piloting, however, as R5-D3 would while Bacredi looked up where Rhysati Lightrott—Bacredi’s target—was staying. He had the planet located, that was Lianna. He had found the city, that was Fort Lauders, but he had not found the safe house.

“R5, you know the coordinates, Lianna, I’ll find a hangar bay that we can land on in Fort Lauders.” Bacredi did that as R5 took off, the Firespray immediately changed views as it corrected itself. The four engines immediately sped up and headed into space, as the ship broke into clear space a burst of the engines was felt throughout the ships. The ship moved to the nearest hyperspace point and sped into hyperspace—the distance time was 10 hours, and it would give Bacredi enough time to work out how he was going to do this. He began by looking over some of the data feeds from the city—which was merely home to 4,500. Luckily, the city had a customs center that recorded every person that came through the city, and you couldn’t miss it. And besides, there was only one hotel in Fort Lauders.

Fort Lauders


Bacredi un-buckled himself from the pilot’s chair and thanked R5, he then proceeded by grabbing his briefcase from a small storage center inside the ship. The briefcase had a modified StA-55—with a silencer—that had it’s stock folded down and some of the attachable parts missing. Bacredi’s Q33 was also in there, with a silencer and two extra clips. Bacredi was well prepared for this though, and he clipped on his hip holster that had a modified IvP-18 Tropov inside it. Bacredi had found the target—he was staying at the Jameson Hotel… the only hotel in the city. Bacredi flew through customs and immediately proceeded to catch a cab. He told the cab driver where and then gave him a small credit chip. The driver sped away, the speeder rumbling as it did. As the driver stopped, Bacredi thanked him and got out. He entered the small hotel lobby, there was only about twenty rooms by the look of it.

“I sent a message before hand; could you by chance give me the room number of this man?” Bacredi showed the clerk his target’s picture. The man nodded and then proceeded to get out of the lobby desk. “Actually, I could just go to his room myself. It’s going to be quick.” The clerk didn’t seem to care and pointed Bacredi to a room across the lobby, Bacredi set down a twenty credit chip. “Thank you.” Bacredi then proceeded to exit the lobby and went around back, he had counted the rooms when he entered the hotel. He moved to the tenth window—this was it. He quickly looked inside, one man was sleeping on the bed, or so it seemed. He proceeded by dropping his briefcase and held out his StA-55, at the same time putting his Mynock Q33 in a reachable area. The Zabrak horns were visible as the man rustled in his sleep. Bacredi pushed the window—it was un-locked, like most hotel windows. He hopped into the window, having minimal trouble, even though he was a little on the heavy side.

Bacredi moved over to the Zabrak, the Zabrak’s eyes suddenly opened and he drew a small, hold-out blaster pistol. Bacredi flinched and instinctively dove. The Zabrak had already thought of that, as he moved back, but Bacredi was able to topple the gun out of his hands. The Zabrak cursed as Bacredi got back up, but the Zabrak was able to grab his hold-out blaster at the same time. They both shot—Bacredi’s pistol, a modified IvP-18 Tropov let out two shots. The hold-out blaster shot twice, one grazed Bacredi’s shoulder. Bacredi cursed that his shots had missed and that the other’s had hit. The Zabrak came closer and Bacredi put his leg out and kicked into the Zabrak’s chest. The man clang to his chest as Zhar exerted more force. Bacredi then proceeded to jump onto the Zabrak—who then head bashed Bacredi, a horn probably leaving a bruise.

Bacredi was able to push his knee into the other’s ribs, and then grabbed his Tropov off of the ground. He turned it towards the Zabrak who just looked angry, and the Zabrak broke free, grabbed the pistol, and fired. Bacredi—who was wearing a vest—was hit, it stung like a mother. Bacredi hit the ground, not making any noise, but at the same time he saw in front of him his StA-55. Bacredi turned around and kicked at the Zabrak’s legs, at the same time putting his arms over his head for his StA-55. He grabbed it quickly and aimed. The recoil that the gun produced as he put two rounds into the Zabrak was immense and almost put Bacredi into an unconscious stage. Bacredi stood up now, his gun—which was silenced—aimed at the Zabrak again. Bacredi put two more shots into him for good nature. He then reached into his pockets and pulled out his datapad, and at the same time he did a snapshot of the body. The image would be sent to the Roworth Bounty Agency with a message attached saying: “Struggled. No other choice given.”
Ensign Zhar Bacredi, Vast Empire Navy
Special Agent, Vast Empire Intelligence
Naval Training Officer, Vast Empire Navy
------------------------------------------
NTO/ESN Bacredi/Sting 1-1/Platform Saratoga/Raegent System/VENA/VEN/VE [MC:1] [EER] [SoV] [SRC] [LoM] [NSM] [MC:1] [NS:1] [VST:1] [KST:1] *[NST:1]* (=A=) (=SA=) (=*ME*=) (=*MA*=) (=*FOCE*=) {GWC} {SRC}
AGT/ESN Bacredi/Chaos/Reaper/ISD Nemesis/Sigma Group/VEI/VE
[This message has been edited by Bacredi (edited April 26, 2009 11:29:17 PM)]
Aeos
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Aeos
 
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  RE: Roworth Hunters — Rhysati Lightrott
May 3, 2009 9:34:54 PM    View the profile of Aeos 
Blue, I will be honest here.
No spelling mistakes, good information. All in all, after I read your work, I knew what you intended me to know. But the writing all seemed so robotic. It didn't really interest me to read except for the fact that I have to read it. For all I know, Blue is a robot. You also repeated information. I'll wire the payments, but  I'd like to see some involvement from the character next time. I understand that you might be trying that the character is detached from the situation, but in the process you are also causing the reader to be detached from the character.

payments: 200 000
fines: /
Retired
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CPO_Aeos/(=*A*=)][MC1](=*SA*=)[/align]
Jegora
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Jegora
 
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  RE: Roworth Hunters — Rhysati Lightrott
May 3, 2009 9:50:53 PM    View the profile of Jegora 
Tenses. Try and write in the same tense, preferably the past tense.
Jegora Fal
Assistant Squad Leader, Jester Squad
Initiate of the Dark Jedi Order

ASL/SFC Jegora/Jester/Phoenix/Dragon/Osiris/Stormtrooper Corps/Vast Empire Army/Vast Empire
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Osk Company Employee
An Officer of the Roworth Bounty Agency
Assistant to the Prefect
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