Ichigo556 ComNet n00b  [VE-ARMY] Private Post Number: 2 Total Posts: 5 Joined: Aug 2008 Status: Offline | Pvt.Ichigo556 Bio | August 7, 2008 8:53:53 PM | | Species: Bothan
Native Language: Republican Basic
Hair Color: Brown
Eye Color: blue
Skin Color: peach
Height: 7ft. 5in.
Weight: 128 pounds
Age: 15
Character's Full Name: Ichigo #556
Physical Build: Very Strong
Homeworld: Bothan Sector,Kothlis
  [This message has been edited by Ichigo556 (edited August 7, 2008 9:09:19 PM)] [This message has been edited by Ichigo556 (edited August 7, 2008 9:11:48 PM)] | Ichigo556 ComNet n00b  [VE-ARMY] Private Post Number: 3 Total Posts: 5 Joined: Aug 2008 Status: Offline | RE: Pvt.Ichigo556 Bio | August 7, 2008 9:07:39 PM | | == Background History ==
Ichigo556 was born. He was trained fully by his father and taught how to sneak by any creature. By the age of 5 he knew everything his father could teach him. When Ichigo was 7 he left his parents and set to look for a trainer. He finally found a Bothan Trainer on the Planet of Naboo who taught him how to use weapons and timebombs. By the age of 10 he had been taught by 4 Trainers and decided to go back and say hi to his Mother and Father. When he got to his planet it was under attack,His Mother was killed and his Father was a leader of the attack force to send the attackers back. His Father died along with 213 Bothans by a Bombing. With No home or family he left and joined the Empire to AVENGE his parents. By the age of 15 he was a fully wielded Imperial machine, with every trick and Knowledge he could never know alone.
== Character's Personality ==
Strong,Willing,Vengeful,Loyal,Expert Demo's,Expert Stealth
Strengths: Stealth,Demo's,Crowded places
Weakness: Snipers, snowy area's [This message has been edited by Ichigo556 (edited August 7, 2008 9:17:37 PM)] | Cosmic ComNet Marshal  [VE-ARMY] High General [VE-DJO] Krath Oracle [VE-VEEC] Chairman Post Number: 6924 Total Posts: 7237 Joined: Sep 2000 Status: Online | RE: Pvt.Ichigo556 Bio | August 7, 2008 9:42:35 PM | | It's a good start. I do have a couple points however: 1) I don't know if you'd be able to sneak past "any" creature. There's a lot of creatures out there - that'd be an infinite number of creatures, which would be impossible to train "sneaking" against. 2) Expand on the biography a bit more. Make it more like a character development story rather than an outline/summary composed of one paragraph. If you can, shoot for three paragraphs. Get into detail about your life and who your character is. Also, use the following format: http://comnet.imperialnetwork.com/topic/10263/Post your biography here when you're done, and feel free to ask if you have any questions. Stormtrooper Corps Commander of Training, High General CoT/HG Cosmic/HCA-3/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CoR][CDS][IH][GS][BC][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC] ----------------------- Dark Jedi Order Dark Lord of the Krath, Krath Oracle DLK-SL/KO Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK] ----------------------- Engineering Corps Chief Operating Officer, Chairman COO/CHM Cosmic/Lotaith/VET/VE ----------------------- ----------------------- Stormtrooper Corps Academy Staff Commander of Training - High General Cosmic Assistant Commander of Training - First Sergeant Darr-Rann Drill Instructor - Brigadier General Merrick Training Advisor - First Sergeant Aeos Training Advisor - Sergeant Decembrist | Ichigo556 ComNet n00b  [VE-ARMY] Private Post Number: 4 Total Posts: 5 Joined: Aug 2008 Status: Offline | RE: Pvt.Ichigo556 Bio | August 8, 2008 12:38:14 AM | | ok
Species: Bothan
Native Language: Republican Basic
Hair Color: Brown
Eye Color: blue
Skin Color: peach
Height: 7ft. 5in.
Weight: 128 pounds
Age: 15
Character's Full Name: Ichigo #556
Physical Build: Very Strong
Homeworld: Bothan Sector,Kothlis
== Background History ==
I was 12 when it happened 300 flag ships and Star Destroyers set above the planet. Tie Bombers destroying our city of Kothlis as the Drop ships landed on the destroyed pavement of the streets. Storm Troopers rushing out and busting down doors,I watch from my windows. My father taught me a thing or to before he was drafted into the attack force. My mom was in her room wanting for the attack to finish as my dad kept fighting and fighting waves of Storm Troopers heading towards them. A group of Storm Troopers busted down the house door as i cower in a corner. 2 Storm Troopers go up stairs and i hear guns shots then a thud. I cover my head in my arms waiting for them to leave as there Commander walks in and grabs my arm. I struggle trying to get free as i see the Attack Force get raided and overwhelmed. There we no survivors, I punch the Commander in the head breaking his helmet and grabbing his gun. I point at the Trooper with anger in my eyes as they go in a circle. As the commander gets up i shoot him till he doesn't move. I stopped firing as a Storm Trooper hits my in the neck and i drop the gun. 2 of them grap my arms and put me in the Transport Ship. 3 years after i had full training to sneak and i was taught how to fire a D-14 Blaster. I had all the training i needed but still remembering what happened that day. The memories haunting me.
== Character's Personality ==
Aggressive,Strong,Willing,Loyal,Expert Demo's,Expert Stealth [This message has been edited by Ichigo556 (edited August 8, 2008 12:39:34 AM)] [This message has been edited by Ichigo556 (edited August 9, 2008 12:41:56 AM)] | Cosmic ComNet Marshal  [VE-ARMY] High General [VE-DJO] Krath Oracle [VE-VEEC] Chairman Post Number: 6930 Total Posts: 7237 Joined: Sep 2000 Status: Online | RE: Pvt.Ichigo556 Bio | August 9, 2008 8:28:06 PM | | Ok, it's a good start. I do have the following points to say, however:
1) It is "TIE Figther", not "Tie Fighter". TIE = Twin Ion Engine. It is an acronym, so everything needs to be set to uppercase.
2) "Expert Demo's,Expert Stealth" have nothing to do with a character's personality. That would fit under something more like "Character Skills" or something.
3) Your story is very choppy. For example, it feels like you're doing this: The dog sat down. I fed the dog. The dog ate the biscuit. He swallowed it. He wanted more.
It's not very smooth, so be sure to keep that in mind when you rewrite this.
Also, I mentioned that I wanted to see at least two paragraphs. I only see one. I'd like to see enough detail in your story to allow for more than one paragraph.
Give it another go, and I'll look it over again. Stormtrooper Corps Commander of Training, High General CoT/HG Cosmic/HCA-3/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CoR][CDS][IH][GS][BC][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC] ----------------------- Dark Jedi Order Dark Lord of the Krath, Krath Oracle DLK-SL/KO Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK] ----------------------- Engineering Corps Chief Operating Officer, Chairman COO/CHM Cosmic/Lotaith/VET/VE ----------------------- ----------------------- Stormtrooper Corps Academy Staff Commander of Training - High General Cosmic Assistant Commander of Training - First Sergeant Darr-Rann Drill Instructor - Brigadier General Merrick Training Advisor - First Sergeant Aeos Training Advisor - Sergeant Decembrist | Ichigo556 ComNet n00b  [VE-ARMY] Private Post Number: 5 Total Posts: 5 Joined: Aug 2008 Status: Offline | RE: Pvt.Ichigo556 Bio | August 10, 2008 3:13:02 AM | | ok
"damn it" I curse as 5 Imperial Star Destroyers{ISD} float above our planet. I was only 13 when it happened but it feels like yesterday. The ISD's launch Trans Port Ships{TPS} and TIE bombers. The TIE bombers clear the streets as i watch in my house, The TPS lands and 30 Strom Troopers come out. They break down doors and kills anyone that tries to stop them. They take the kids of the home and some of there fathers. My little sister come down stairs crying "Whats going to happen?" she says as i turn around "Alexis get back up stairs" I command.
The Storm Troopers break down our house door as she runs up stairs "what do you want we paid the fee to stay allies" I say looking for anything as a weapon. The commander of them walks in and points the gun at my face "yes but The Emperor raised it to 50 000 Credits" he says as i find a D-18 Blaster Pistol. I shoot his hand and point at the rest. 3 of the 8 go up stairs as she screams i hear gun shots. The 5 surround me and the commander gets up, They all aim at my head as the commander gives the signal to fire. I duck then use my invisibility power to sneak up stairs and kill the 3 up there.
i hide as the 5 go up and find the dead bodies lying there, i go down the stairs and find the commander leaving as he went out that door i picked up his D-14 Blaster and shot him dead. The TIE bombers make another pass destroying my house as i leave it. I shoot down the bombers as i head for the TPS, as i do i get hit in the leg by a Imperial Officer. I fall to the ground as 2 medics put me abroad the ship. I was trained as a Storm Trooper as i got better more and more memories come back trying to say TuRn BaCk. 2 years after my traineing and i was a full Storm Trooper, but the memories still haunt me but i have no soul. I am part of the Empire.
Characters Skills: Expert Demolitions,Expert Stealth [This message has been edited by Ichigo556 (edited August 10, 2008 3:14:30 AM)] [This message has been edited by Ichigo556 (edited August 10, 2008 1:42:24 PM)] | Cosmic ComNet Marshal  [VE-ARMY] High General [VE-DJO] Krath Oracle [VE-VEEC] Chairman Post Number: 6939 Total Posts: 7237 Joined: Sep 2000 Status: Online | RE: Pvt.Ichigo556 Bio | August 15, 2008 8:01:59 PM | | Ok, well, it's different than the previous one. :P There are still numerous grammatical errors throughout the post - which is something you'll have to correct and figure out in time because I've played the English teacher before, and I don't really feel like doing it again.  What I will say is for you to take a look at this biography: http://comnet.imperialnetwork.com/topic/9055/page/11/I want you to pay attention to the paragraph separation, the way the dialogue is written, how actions are performed, and especially the grammar and syntax of the work. All of these things must be within a certain standard in order to have full-efficiency when posting in an active-duty squad. Look it over, look over your own work, make the corrections, and then try another draft (hopefully a final draft). I can't emphasize enough, though, of the importance of the grammar. It's one of my pet peeves, so I pay special attention to it.  If you have any questions about anything specific (or in general) before you post your next version, feel free to ask it here. Stormtrooper Corps Commander of Training, High General CoT/HG Cosmic/HCA-3/Tadath/VEA/VE [OPE][OTH][OPA][EW1][CoR][CDS][IH][GS][BC][LM][SoS][CRoM][CoH][PoC][MSM][SCP][SoA][IOC] ----------------------- Dark Jedi Order Dark Lord of the Krath, Krath Oracle DLK-SL/KO Cosmic/Lion 1-1/Lopen/VEDJ/VE [VP][WoS2][KC1][SoY][EoP][OAK] ----------------------- Engineering Corps Chief Operating Officer, Chairman COO/CHM Cosmic/Lotaith/VET/VE ----------------------- ----------------------- Stormtrooper Corps Academy Staff Commander of Training - High General Cosmic Assistant Commander of Training - First Sergeant Darr-Rann Drill Instructor - Brigadier General Merrick Training Advisor - First Sergeant Aeos Training Advisor - Sergeant Decembrist | |